Happy New year 2013.
Happy New year to you all for 2013 and many more happy new years to come.
The sun is shining on the New year's day 2013 but it's very cold.
The sunshine should bring hope to us all.
I hope things turn out better for you this year than last with many years to come. 1.1.13
New Start.
A new start that could be unknown to most of us.
Whatever you didn't achieve last year I hope you achieve this.
This could be a new year and new beginning for you.
Number 13 is lucky for some but unlucky for others.
Let's hope 2013 is the year for you with many of your dreams to come true. 1.1.2013
Bring in 2013.
Here I am finding it hard to know what to write.
Recovering from a hang over on New year's day from New year's eve.
The hang over is slowing me down to think and write.
With what's gone last year new will be to come this year.
The future is unknown to us all.
We've laughted, worried and cried.
We've just got on with life.
Life is full of good and bad, it would be boring if it was all the same. 1.1.2013
Too easy to hurt the one you love.
It's too easy to hurt the one you love.
At same time you hurt yourself knowing it's wrong thing for you do for them and you.
It's so hard to understand why when it hurts so deep inside.
Why did I send you that text knowing full well how strong my feelings are for you?
Why did I get myself so misunderstood.
Yet I know what you'd say it's my own silly fault.
You are so right and I'm so wrong.
Oh what a silly mistake to make knowing it's too late.
Why didn't I leave things alone, I would did I let you go?
Loneliness is going to be there for me a long time to come or it's loneliness for good.
It will take a long time for me to feel the same for someone else as I do for you.
To me it will take someone more than special to fill your space after my silly mistake.
Even though loneliness is hard to take.
Why did I let you slip through my fingers like a foal?
Now I have nothing to look forward to, my own fault I shouldn't have let you go. 2.1.2013
If only you knew.
If you knew how different I am to what you think I am.
With very little time we had together when we were together, it gave us very little time to get to know one another.
Little do you know that I enjoyed our time apart as well as our time together.
It didn't matter to me as long as you were mine and I was yours at the end of the day.
That's what I miss most of all knowing that in time we had time along.
Now our time a lone is gone I feel emptry and lost without you.
If only you knew how much I loved you, which has now given me an even harder time getting over you now it's over.
It breaks my heart to know that your not mine anymore. 3.1.2013
Coping without you.
No bed is empty without you.
Why did you come back that Saturday night, you knew I didn't feel the same way as I do.
You must have known I wouldn't let you sleep with me.
You thought you had the chance with me because you came back that Saturday night.
You think I still feel hurt by you but that's where your wrong.
You think one night I am going to come knocking you door again so you can shut the door in my face.
Why would I waste my time on someone I don't even love.
I spent a lot years wasting a lot of time, tears and sleep over you.
Now I'm not the person you knew, you only thought I'd stay weak forever, that's where your wrong.
I was sick and tired of you dumping me every time you got bored with me.
I was stick and tired of hoping you would change when there was no chance of that.
I was stick and tired of coming back in your life when you got bored with and without me.
You were never happy whether I was in or out of your life so now I am gone for good.
In the end the only time you wanted me was when you were very drunk. 3.1.2013
One day I know it will happen.
I know the next person you will meet will be better than me.
Strangely enough a while before I started seeing you I thought you were married with kids.
I thought that there's something very nice about you.
I felt the same as you but I tried to stopped myself in case you all ready had someone in your life at the time.
I hope one day I will meet someone as nice as you again.
It hurt me so much to have lost you.
The time we had together felt so good.
I know it could be a long time until I get love like yours again if ever.
You were the best thing to happen to me ever yet.
I am gald to say there was no lieing, cheating and or beating but having lost someone so special has hurt me more than ever. 3.1.2013
How much can I take?
I feel tears in my eyes that I can't cry because you didn't hurt me.
The only thing that hurt me was that I lost you.
What on my mind is too private to say as I still respect you all the same as before even thought we're not together anymore.
I always knew that one day the change will come to me if it's not to be.
I tried not to build my hopes but I never said never, it wasn't easy to say despite of my feelings towards you.
You still touch my heart, it's so hard to see you as just a friend even though I saw very little of you when I was seeing you.
It will be hard to know to cope if I ever will love anyone else.
Since I have hit my 40s I have loved spending a lot of time on my own but having something special to look forward to.
Now I feel empty now that it's gone, knowing that love will be a very time to come again, which breaks my heart.
How many men will trust me to be faithful to them if I don't see them very often?
How many men will be faithful to me if I don't see them very often?
How many men will cope without a woman like I can without a man as long as possible? 3.1.2013
How do we manage?
How do we manage with all these cutbacks?
How we manage with all these debts?
Even the banks are debts?
How can the banks give out loans when they are in debt knowing a lot of people can't manage to pay them back?
How are we all still alive with so little money?
How have we become so greedy in a small country like Britain spending money we haven't got?
Kids having kids so they can leave home and don't have to go to work, this is taking a lot money.
Many people who sign on still manage to drink all day and night in the pubs, this is encourged by pubs been open 24 hours a day.
Too many people in this country who wasn't born in this country.
We are spending money we haven't got so the list goes on. 4.1.2013
The wind is blowing so lond.
The wind is blowing so loud I can't hear a thing.
I know there's a lot of sounds are going on around me.
Now the wind is so strong it's making me fly up into the air.
Now the wind is strong it's bringing me down to the ground.
Now I'm blowing in the air as my hair is sticking up on end.
I have no control with the wind as I'm blowing up and down like a Jack in the box. 4.1.2013
Next one to be.
Next one to be is to be as special as you.
I know I won't get you back again, even though I didn't want to lose your love.
I know it will take a long time for me to date or never at all. 4.1.2013
I know your mind.
What is there to talk about?
I know if I go along with what you want, I will get hurt again.
I'm not going along with your mind games again.
I'm not going to be there for you to dump me when you get bored.
I'm not going to be there for you to love when you feel alone.
I feel alone but I don't need you at all.
I have a feeling now I'm single you won't want me no more until I meet someone else.
Why should I travel all the way down to yours to have the door shut in my face knowing that I haven't been down to yours for so long.
I have coped without you long enough why should I need you now?
What's the point when you aren't going to achieve hurting my feelings anymore?
I would be lieing to go down and see you when I know there's no need when I don't love you anymore.
You can't hurt me anymore.
Why should I have the door shut in my face by a man I don't love anymore?
I don't cry over you anymore, I cried enough when I did love you and you hurt me a lot more. 5.1.2013
I don't need your help.
I don't need your help.
Why should I cry to you over another man?
I can cope alone.
I don't need you to make things any worse for me than you have done.
No pain is as bad as what you put me through.
It was all a long time ago I don't need you at all.
Don't think because I am alone that I am yours!
That's where you think wrong. 5.1.2013
I still love you.
I still love you but it hurts so bad I only wish my feelings weren't as strong as what they are.
If only I could make things easy for you because I know friendship is all you want.
If only I could let go but to me your so special.
Every time I look my phone I keep excepting you to phone or text, I have to tell myself not to expect it anymore.
I walk round with a smile on my face in front of others for them not to know how I'm feeling inside and reasons why.
As our relationship was so private so is our break up.
Not having anyone to talk to with about the way my emotions are is hard.
I bet you feel hurt the same too.
It's like no day goes by. 5.1.2013
Feelings are strong.
I keep hoping I will feel alright tomorrow then when tomorrow comes I feel worse.
I feel empty, lost and alone than ever, even though I didn't see a lot of you when I was seeing you.
When we were seeing one another I wondered how you were feeling about me because I was missing you so much, this was what I was trying to ask you in the text the night our love ended.It wasn't pointless for me because I knew I had your love to look forward to but how was it for you?
I keep hoping you'd love me again I know it's not possible.
I thought it wouldn't make difference as I didn't see a lot of you but it makes a lot of difference to me what about you?
The strong feelings are still there hard to control.
I keep thinking it will get' easier but no it gets harder.
I know I need to give it it's own time to heel and carry living without your love.
I understand reasons why you ended it, even so it really hurts more that there was no pain between us to end it even though I can gladly say we didn't hurt one another during the time we were seeing one another.
I just keep thinking about you all the time. 5.1.2013
Parted in silence.
Loved in silence.
Parted in silence.
The pain of losing you is hard to accept.
secert break up is not talked about.
A secert is why nothing is said.
There were no falling outs.
Very little we saw one another when we did see one another.
Reasons for breaking weren't no fault of ours or anyones.
It didn't turn out to be.
Reasons why known to ourselves really.
Who knows what's to be.
Wait and see! 6.1.2013
January blues.
January skies are dull not blue but all feel a bit sad and blue in January.
I felt low before, during and after Christmas.
Everyone feels low this time of year.
Winter time is a time of break ups, which makes you feel the January blues more.
I've cried so many times over the years over break ups, I have no tears to cry anymore.
Now I show my emotions by eating less and less instead.
People are slowly going back to work.
In time I know I need to get myself together to face the busy world yet again. 6.1.2013
Slow down Tiger Tim.
Thank you for my card dear heart.
They don't know about ( about being disabled)
They shouldn't look at us as if we are mad.
They shouldn't look at us as if we are sad.
They seem to think more of the bad in us than good.
They should think good in us than bad.
They look at us to say we are useless to think we are useless and helpless.
They shouldn't judge us for what they see and hear of us.
It doesn't mean there are no disabilities just because they don't see them but it doesn't mean we don't have good in us either.
Whichever way they shouldn't judge to get us misunderstood.
They don't know about ( being disabled) that's why they misunderstand us. 3rd - 4th March 2013
Poetry i wrote so long ago.
When i think what i wrote was a load of rubbish because i felt rubbish.
Somehow my rubbish words linked into poetry.
My poetry because with rubbish because i was so down from a man who broke my heart so badly.
I loved him so much but he didn't thinks as much of me as I did of him now i can't stand him.
Now what he had put me through had all come back on him and he feels for me how i used to feel for him.
How unhappy was I to write such rubbish.
How could I have loved a man who only pretended to love me yet i though so different at the time.
The way he hurt me it took me a long time to click he didn't think as much of me as what i thought.
How painful it was to face the world, i just didn't want to be here anymore but somehow i was too strong for that but at the time I never thought I was.
I drank heavy and those rubbish words came out on paper.
What rubbish words I wrote because I was so drunk.
Yet more and more words came out that turned into poetry.
The words were just unhappy thoughts that were going through my mind at the time.
I couldn't find any other way of controlling my mind and getting on with my life.
The only thing i could do was write.
When he saw what I wrote, his face just froze, then said good poetry.
My poetry meant nothing to him but the truth did and the truth what i wrote was in my poetry.
I didn't write a load of rubbish after all, what i was trying to say was the man who I was in love with he was rubbish.
Many years later i thought about the very few words he said.
He wasn't awarding me for my poetry, he froze because he knew what i said was the truth of what i felt about him at the time.
He couldn't see that at that time it's as if he was so blind.
The time came when his feelings had changed so had mine, he felt how I used to feel, I felt how he used to feel.
When that day came it hit him harder than it hit me, it's now all too late for him.
He may have changed his mind but I never will, i will never make the same mistake twice even once was enough. 6.3.2013
Chatting 2 u.
When I first spoke 2 u on the dating site friendship was all I know after been on my own 4 5 and a half years.
Through chatting 2 u on Facebook my feelings are getting stronger towards u.
I hope it will be worth it in the end and that we will still feel the same way as we do now about one another.
Let's hope it will be worth the date.
We will get 2 know one another more however long it takes.
I never live my life in hopes someone will feel the same as i do because I have been hurt before, trust something i need 2 get over more.
The more and more I am getting 2 know u online my feelings are growing stronger and stronger. 16.3.2013
Unknown 2 both of us.
It all seems like a long wait until we met but every day is getting closer.
It's not as long as it seems for the final moment.
To see how we feel about one another after we have met is going to be an interesting one.
It's surprising how chatting to one another online can be part of our lives, which already make our feelings strong everyday but very unknown how we feel about one another when we meet. 16.3.2013
Too soon to know.
Too soon to know.
Feelings uncontrolled.
Just chatting online doesn't say a lot.
The more we chat though it's surprising what we learn off one another.
Computers, art and music we may love but unknown to whether they make us love one another. 16.3.2013
You can't touch me now.
You can't touch me now, your far too late.
You never loved me as much as I thought.
You only pretended to love and led me to think that you did.
You treated me like dirt.
First you wanted me then you got bored with me, then you excepted me to be there when you got bored with someone else.
At the time I was a foal to give into your silly mind games, then I realised you played games with my mind because you couldn't make up your mind.
Not anymore, never again am I knocking your door, you won't see me anymore.
I have someone now who knows who he wants, he doesn't play mind games like you did.
Now you only have yourself to blame.
When I was there you didn't want me, when you did it was only pretend.
You should have known who you wanted when I was there and stuck to what you said and stopped beating round the brush.
That's it I've gone I'm coming back no more. 2.4.2013
I need to forget about you and move on.
I need to forget about you and move on, you treated me bad and made me very sad.
You only pretended to love me, you didn't love me at all when I love you loser.
Sadly for you my love died for you and you want my love back when it was all gone, now it's far too late for you.
You are no more on my mind, you knew I used to love you so much so you played games with my mind.
You kept on changing your mind whether you loved me or not.
Now once it's gone with me it's gone for good.
You loved me, then didn't.
You lied to me, then you lied to yourself.
You hurt me, then you hurt yourself.
You didn't love me at all, you couldn't get the rest of them to love like i used to love you.
Now I am with someone who loves me a hell of a lot more than you ever did.
I am with someone who knows who he wants and doesn't play mind games like you did. 2.4.2013
Time to look forward.
Yesterday has gone there's no looking back on then.
Live for today and hope for tomorrow.
Be patience and be strong and your time will come along if you wait as long as it takes.
Taking far too much time is far too long to waste.
Make the most of the good you have got but then accept the bad.
Life would be boring if it all went all one way everyday.
Be brave and be strong.
Show your face and don't let them bother you.
Don't be afraid.
Show the world it hasn't won. 5.4.2013
Take your time don't rush!
Take your time don't rush!
You will get there in the end if you are patience enough.
Think before you speak.
Don't decide anything until or unless you know what your doing.
Don't turn left, right or straight on until you know where to turn.
Think about things very carefully and take your time.
Don't be too quick and don't be too slow because life is too short to waist.
Think about things very carefully so take your time.
Put faith into trust before hand don't rush.
Waiting can be hard but worth it in the end.
Things will only be done right if they are done slowly.
Be sure of yourself before you do anything.
What you want will come in time. 5.4.2013
Us.
However far apart we are we are just a computer away.
Email, phone, text, Facebook whether we are friends or lovers.
Whatever happens we will never hate one another.
Learn from your past to create a better future.
Live for today yesterday has gone.
Let's hope for tomorrow.
Be patience there are plenty more days of your life to come but they are too short to waist. 7.4.2013
Nothing seems to standing still.
Nothing seems to be standing still even though we think it is going to.
It's always at the back of ones' mind wondering whether whether or not they have done the right or wrong thing.
It's better right or wrong than not trying at all.
There comes a time you have tried so many times that you accept whatever happens. 7.4.2013
New chapter in the book.
Now it's just the begining.
The future is unknown.
Everything is far too soon to say.
I have spent days writing this poem in my mind but on paper the words don't seem to come out right.
I only hope we feel the same way now when we meet.
Butterflies are flying in my stomach and my nevus are on edge yet i am so looking forward to meeting you.
I'm amazed just by taking to you online how my feelings have grown for you.
Only time will tell us if it is meant to be or not.
Let our friendship grow but we should we shouldn't force anything that's not meant to be.7.4.2013
Friendship.
Live in hope that we have friendship always no matter what happens.
It's just very lucky if we do grow to more than just friendship.
It's far too soon to know what will become of us.
Feelings are hard to control but we both need to be sure what we both want.
It's far to soon to know even though our feelings are there for one another.
Friendship can be hard to keep without it growing into more.
I like many other people have had broken relationships through falling for someone far too soon.
We can only do our best to take our time but never hate one another.
Feelings can be very mixed up with not knowing what's going to happen. 9.4.2013
Can't sleep.
Can't sleep with you on my mind unknown to how both of us or either one of us are going to feel when we meet.
Even though we have enjoyed one another's company online, we still have a lot to find out about one another.
It can still take time to know how we feel for one another face to face.
Very early days only time will tell.
I try to control my feelings and see it at this early stage as friendship.
The way feel about you now is too much to bare.
Even though we are meeting today, how will we feel tomorrow?
It's far too soon to know.
By just chatting online it's far too easy to think that our friendship has grown.
It will be interesting to know what it will be like when we meet. 9.4.2013
If only I knew.
If only I knew what your thinking now.
If only I knew what's going to happen when we meet today.
No second of this morning can come quick enough.
Nothing comes quick enough when your waiting for it to happen.
I must be patience let time come round slowly hopefully it will be worth the wait of the date. 9.4.2013
Before the date.
Thoughts are running through my mind wondering what will happen next.
Thoughts that have woken me up this morning far too soon.
Unanswered questions running through my head.
My thoughts are still unknown yet I will write away until this pen runs out of ink, which may happen before I run out of thoughts.
This could happen to us either way but which ever way we will never hate one another.
No hate between us whatever this date bring. 9.4.2013
My friend.
My friend my male friend, friendship or relationship live in hope to be there for one another til the end.
It's very early days yet.
My nevus are kicking in more and more.
Butterflies are flying around my stomach again and again. 9.4.2013
How do you feel now?
The feelings are there still from before we met.
I am just talking my time to get to know you and to be honest with you.
I wouldn't string you along, if I say anything I will be honest what I say.
More time we take over it the more worth it if more than than friend ever happens.
It will only happen if and when it's right and mean't to be.
You have as much right as anyone to live the same life as everyone.
You need honestly in someone who is making sure of herself and how she feels, which is what she's going to do.
No saying hello one day then goodbye the next.
With me I am straight down the line it's either hello or goodbye all the way. 11.4.2013
Yes I do want to see you again.
Yes I do want to see you again whatever happens.
I like and care about you as a person.
Like you as person, it's the same with me many people look at my disabilities not the person I am.
It's like no one seems to see the good in us as if they only see only weaknesses.
Only time will tell how you and I will end up.
Whatever goes on between you and me there's no need for any hate to happen between us.
Just take our time whatever happens, when anything havens, if anything happens.
In the mean time enjoy chatting 2 one another online, text, phone and email.
This will give us more time to get to know one another.
Take everyday as it comes.
It's better to have someone in some way than no one at all. 11.4.2013
What was I thinking?
I drank myself away and eat far less.
For me to have been like that I was very depressed.
To me you were my world but as years went on I learned you weren't as special as I though.
Now I don't feel the same for you anyone you hurt me so bad.
I just carried for years thinking you'd change until my feelings weren't there for you anymore.
I thought of nothing and no one else but you now I dread seeing you anywhere.
I can only think how much you hurt me.
One day I won't think about you at all.
The drink numbed the pain hoping how I was feeling was all in my mind but it wasn't.
Hoping that I didn't know you or that you still loved but you know me and didn't love me liked I loved you.
Why did I let you upset my mind?
Now it all seems like a long time ago as if it will never go away.
Yet if you think I can forgive and forget have you back as if nothing happened your so wrong, it's never going to happen.
Sorry but I don't feel the same way for you anymore.
All I needed to do was get rid of the feelings for you, which is what I have done.
Now I have moved on to a better life than I had with you. 13.4.2013
I thought I was weak now I strong.
Pain was too much to bare.
Now I know it shouldn't have hurt me as much as it did.
Now it seems as if I have had a long nightmare my sleep.
Let's just think I knew you yet I didn't know you.
It took me a long time to understand that you weren't the man for me.
Losing was the end of the world for me now I would walk away if I saw your face.
I know I needed to lose weight but not that much weight because of you.
Yesterday seemed like a long time ago for today and tomorrow. 13.4.2013
Your not happy.
Your not happy whether you have me in your life or not, that doesn't surprise me with your mind games.
Tomorrow is a new and different day for me, it's time to move and yesterday has gone.
Now I have gone out of your life for good I don't have to put up with your promises and your lies.
I am now living a happy and new life without you with what you put me through.
To have been with you in the first place is hard to know why iI put up with you all those years yet I thought it was love.
How wrong and blind was I what was going through my mind at the time?
Why did it take all those years to know that you were never at all mine? 16.4.2013
Life goes on.
For a time I was lost and I felt alone after loving someone for so long.
I bared nearly 6 years alone.
Been alone wasn't the reason for starting to chat to you, I tried not to look for love at all.
Friendship was all I excepted.
Everyone saw me carrying on as if nothing happened but undernealth I was hurt.
I must carry on to think I have to move on to a new life after so long alone.
It takes so long to use to a new way of life.
I use to feel hurt a lot but not anymore.
It's seemed so long I felt hurt it was as if nothing was going to change.
I never thought I was going to get better.
Now it's just a case of how long this date will last compaired to what I have had before.
We must take my time this time round, we are getting no younger.
I only hope that I am getting wiser.
What am I waiting for?
Inside my nevus are going half a mile to the dozen because everything been so new to me, what about you?
I'm unsure of every move I make just in case I make it too soon.
Butterflies are already flying round inside me waiting to see you again.
Whatever happen to me yesterday I put behind, now you are on my mind.
I must carry on to put behind me what has gone.
No matter how i feel inside I smile on the outside.
I can't wait to see you again. 17.4.2013
I believe I will get there in the end.
Now you have gone offline I miss you but I know we will be back there chatting time.
I believe I will get there and it will be worth it in the end.
My feelings for you are hard to control and my friendship for you is growing into more.
Yet I know it's far early days still but I find my feelings hard to show.
I am thinking about you all the time even when either one or both of us are offline.
I'm wishing I was with you but I am glad to have my space.
I don't want to rush into things because I don't want to spoil a thing between us.
It's seems so silly in one way because it's still such early days.
Yet my feelings are getting stronger and stronger for you everyday.
I missing chatting to you online but i understand that both of us have other things in our lives, even though our feelings are growing towards one another everyday.
It's only a matter of time until we see one another again we will make it worth it again.
When see one another again we will make a go of this together.
Let's hope it's sunny weather.
I know I have to wait just like you do so we will have to control one anothers' feelings till then.
Can't wait to see you again waiting is hard to do we can hang on there.
I know that neither of us can wait to meet again.
I can't wait to see you walking off the train holding my hand again. 25.4.2013
There doesn't seem and need to be a reason why I love you.
It's very explainable why I love you other than I find you very respectable towards me and to me there's something very special about.
What is special about you to me I can't put my finger on that either.
All I know is that I love you, which I couldn't control even if I wanted to.
My reasons for my feelings towards you are just so unknown to myself as well as you.
Why would I want to try and control the way I feel about you when the way we feel about one another makes one another happy?
I love you and want you no one can take that away from me whether they like it or not.
I feel this way about you whether it's right or wrong my feelings for you are very strong.
There should be no wrong or and no shame for loving a person for a person mainly the way I love you.
I love you.
I hate the way people judge people.
At the end of the day everyone has good and bad in them it doesn't matter who and what they are. 5.5.2013
I don't want to lose the happiness I have got.
I can't help but love you but I don't want to lose the happiness I have got.
I don't want to spoil a thing by rushing into things.
It's far too easy to love too soon when feelings are so strong so I need to slow down.
The good and nice feelings are hard to control but I don't want be ungratefully to happiness.
I don't want to throw away the happiness I have got.
I just need to slow down because I don't want to spoil a thing we have got.
I never thought I would love anyone like you but I do.
I admit on our first date because we only just meet I was nervus like you but I was unsure of my own feelings.
Since then my feelings have grown towards you even more.
I was feeling very sad when you had gone on the train after our first date.
It was only then that I started to know how I was really starting to feel towards you.
I found it hard to show my feelings on the date yet I couldn't wait to see you before hand.
I was very sad to see you go, it was only when you had gone my feelings was wanting to show.
I had to stop myself from starting to cry regretting not showing my feelings when you were here.
I felt so ashamed with myself when you'd gone it felt too late, then I thought no I will be dating him again. 6.5.2013
We never knew.
We never thought of love when we first spoke online, which at that time was fine.
In time our feelings grow more and more towards one another as we got chatting.
Even now it's still unknow whether one found the other or we found each other.
Time goes so fast when we are chatting yet so slow when we are not.
Time when so fast when we were dating one another twice seeing one another yet seeing one another again seems so long to come.
What I have said is true no one I have loved has loved me as much as you do. 28.5.2013.
Only you know what you missed.
You are such a time waster.
You never saw me at all as a kid.
If only you knew what you missed.
Playing on the bench, during adulthood you have so rarely contacted me.
I contacted you mostly.
Your no Father of mine, you are just thoughtless but not bad as a friend.
That's hard to accept you as a friend when underneath your my Dad.
This show your no Father at all.
Your lose and my gain, when I had a better childhood without you.
So I can carry on having better adulthood without you. 4.1.2013
I thought it would have been easy for us to be Father and Daughter.
There are many people in this world in the same boat as us if not worse.
When I first met and knew you at twenty - one I could see the future and everything seemed alright to me until many years later when you told me about the younger children.
Now I know it's hard to build a Father and Daughter relationship with you through adulthood.
So the end is unhappy how this all turned out. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
What has it
done to me?
Things could have been worse I know.
All the same it's not good enough!
There's only so much I can take, I have accepted it long enough.
Thank god things can't get that much bad or worse.
I am sorry, I wish I knew how to carry on as if nothing has happened but I afraid I am very disappointed in you Dad, I thought you may have chanced to what you were like in the past but for what you told me it does not sound like it.
Never mind me I am grown up my childhood was past, they are your young child you should think about their future, and can’t you see that?
You are the only one who has lost out whether you see that or not I don't know.
Do you know that!
What has it done to my life, more important what will it done to Henry and Louise's life? More to the point what has it done to Jay's life?
When I go into relationships I fall in love too easy, when I get hurt I find it hard to let go.
I know I dream of a far away future still the same as when I was a younger person.
Now I must tell myself to take things day by day.
Whatever the future is and how we end up does not bother me as long as he's mine and I am his. Written 4.7.2000 -2013
You have made
me feel empty.
Sometimes I have felt as if something has been missing in my life.
I have never known really what it is.
What do you know Father, it's partly caused by me and mainly caused by you because I find it hard to let go of love.
I hope this young gentleman will fill in the missing gap.
Looking back now, no other man who has been my lover has been there like you. Written 4.7.2000 - 2013
I wonder what I am doing here.
We are stronger than we think.
We feel scared of pain yet we have already been through pain.
Pain is part of life, we go through good and bad everyday some things we notice others we don't.
Each and everyone of us different how we react to pain.
Some of us talks about what causes our pain and others don't.
Everyone should have their own choice how they deal with what ever pain they have whatever has happened in their lives whether it's happened to themselves or people they know.
People must be force to deal with whatever they are going through people want them to only they want to.
Yes it's true to get things off your mind but that's up to the person whose going whatever whether they want to or not.
We must respect some people like to keep things people and only certain people they want to tell if they tell.
If anyone says anything to anyone they choose to talk to.
There are some things that people may well be open to depend what it is and if they feel better talking about it.
To some if not most situations it's not good to bottle things up but it's still people choices if they want to talk about whatever all or not, it's not about what the rest of the world thinks.
It's down to the person themselves to speak about their problem only if they want to.
This could depend on what's on the person's mind.
In some situations pain is a wake up call in fact all when we fall down and get back up again everyday of our lives without realizing we are stronger than what we think we are.
Pain is a feeling that is a part of us whether we realising or not whether we like it or not.
Good and bad is part of been an animal and a human being.
If peoples choices are to express their pain, they should have the rights and choices to stand up for themselves, others and raise awareness of what they have or are going through if they want. 21.7.2013
We believe in eachother.
I believe you have faith in yourself so I believe that you have faith in me.
I believe you know what and who you want in your life and you never change your mind.
I believe you know what you want within me.
It's great have someone in my life who believes in because no other man I have had in my life has.
Yes I beleave that you believe in me like I believe in you.
I believe you bring the positive in me yet your more clever than me.
You believing the positive in me is helping me slowly to think postive about myself. 21.7.2013.
Before I met you online.
I spoke to quite a few guys before I met you online but none of them were my type.
Summer has gone.
Winter is now on it's way.
It's seems a long way until summer is back again.
When the snow is here the ice seems to be there forever.
There's something about you I really like.
You seem like the perfect lover like there's no other. 1997 - 2013
You let me say what's on my mind.
I will never leave you like the others have left me.
No love for me has ever lasted like this one.
This love will last with me and you.
None of us are getting any younger.
Without your love I feel so down.
Every day and night I miss you more and more.
You are my best friend as well as my lover there is no other.
You have helped me through pain of Anxiety and depression.
Now I need your love to move me more forward. 1997 - 2013
Words keep us together.
You change my world and life everyday with your world of words.
You jump from my mind to the pen to the paper to the computer.
You are here for the rest of my life.
You are poetry.
Words are said from my mind to month to pen to paper to computer
We will never have broken hearts.
I love you like you love me.
We will always be true to one another.1997 - 2013
You are there.
You are there through my pain and happiness.
You have been there when my heart has been broken.
You don't answer me back.
You won't judge on what I say and do in my life.
I know we will always be true to one another.
I know you will always love me like I love you.
We will be always in each other's hearts.
We will never ever part.
Most of the time romance is one big joke.
With your kiss I will get my wish to get things off my mind with you poetry.
I love and miss you in my arms. 1997 - 2013
Take as much time you
want and need, I will always love you.
I carried on far too long I was in love far too long, which is my regret.
In one we learned the hard way but in other way we learned the easy way.
My Father has always been a very strange man.
How can you say that love isn't to say your sorry when we are human, we can't do right all the while.
You can only love so much.
You life was ending round about the age my was starting in a different generation.
Happy New year to you all for 2013 and many more happy new years to come.
The sun is shining on the New year's day 2013 but it's very cold.
The sunshine should bring hope to us all.
I hope things turn out better for you this year than last with many years to come. 1.1.13
New Start.
A new start that could be unknown to most of us.
Whatever you didn't achieve last year I hope you achieve this.
This could be a new year and new beginning for you.
Number 13 is lucky for some but unlucky for others.
Let's hope 2013 is the year for you with many of your dreams to come true. 1.1.2013
Bring in 2013.
Here I am finding it hard to know what to write.
Recovering from a hang over on New year's day from New year's eve.
The hang over is slowing me down to think and write.
With what's gone last year new will be to come this year.
The future is unknown to us all.
We've laughted, worried and cried.
We've just got on with life.
Life is full of good and bad, it would be boring if it was all the same. 1.1.2013
Too easy to hurt the one you love.
It's too easy to hurt the one you love.
At same time you hurt yourself knowing it's wrong thing for you do for them and you.
It's so hard to understand why when it hurts so deep inside.
Why did I send you that text knowing full well how strong my feelings are for you?
Why did I get myself so misunderstood.
Yet I know what you'd say it's my own silly fault.
You are so right and I'm so wrong.
Oh what a silly mistake to make knowing it's too late.
Why didn't I leave things alone, I would did I let you go?
Loneliness is going to be there for me a long time to come or it's loneliness for good.
It will take a long time for me to feel the same for someone else as I do for you.
To me it will take someone more than special to fill your space after my silly mistake.
Even though loneliness is hard to take.
Why did I let you slip through my fingers like a foal?
Now I have nothing to look forward to, my own fault I shouldn't have let you go. 2.1.2013
If only you knew.
If you knew how different I am to what you think I am.
With very little time we had together when we were together, it gave us very little time to get to know one another.
Little do you know that I enjoyed our time apart as well as our time together.
It didn't matter to me as long as you were mine and I was yours at the end of the day.
That's what I miss most of all knowing that in time we had time along.
Now our time a lone is gone I feel emptry and lost without you.
If only you knew how much I loved you, which has now given me an even harder time getting over you now it's over.
It breaks my heart to know that your not mine anymore. 3.1.2013
Coping without you.
No bed is empty without you.
Why did you come back that Saturday night, you knew I didn't feel the same way as I do.
You must have known I wouldn't let you sleep with me.
You thought you had the chance with me because you came back that Saturday night.
You think I still feel hurt by you but that's where your wrong.
You think one night I am going to come knocking you door again so you can shut the door in my face.
Why would I waste my time on someone I don't even love.
I spent a lot years wasting a lot of time, tears and sleep over you.
Now I'm not the person you knew, you only thought I'd stay weak forever, that's where your wrong.
I was sick and tired of you dumping me every time you got bored with me.
I was stick and tired of hoping you would change when there was no chance of that.
I was stick and tired of coming back in your life when you got bored with and without me.
You were never happy whether I was in or out of your life so now I am gone for good.
In the end the only time you wanted me was when you were very drunk. 3.1.2013
One day I know it will happen.
I know the next person you will meet will be better than me.
Strangely enough a while before I started seeing you I thought you were married with kids.
I thought that there's something very nice about you.
I felt the same as you but I tried to stopped myself in case you all ready had someone in your life at the time.
I hope one day I will meet someone as nice as you again.
It hurt me so much to have lost you.
The time we had together felt so good.
I know it could be a long time until I get love like yours again if ever.
You were the best thing to happen to me ever yet.
I am gald to say there was no lieing, cheating and or beating but having lost someone so special has hurt me more than ever. 3.1.2013
How much can I take?
I feel tears in my eyes that I can't cry because you didn't hurt me.
The only thing that hurt me was that I lost you.
What on my mind is too private to say as I still respect you all the same as before even thought we're not together anymore.
I always knew that one day the change will come to me if it's not to be.
I tried not to build my hopes but I never said never, it wasn't easy to say despite of my feelings towards you.
You still touch my heart, it's so hard to see you as just a friend even though I saw very little of you when I was seeing you.
It will be hard to know to cope if I ever will love anyone else.
Since I have hit my 40s I have loved spending a lot of time on my own but having something special to look forward to.
Now I feel empty now that it's gone, knowing that love will be a very time to come again, which breaks my heart.
How many men will trust me to be faithful to them if I don't see them very often?
How many men will be faithful to me if I don't see them very often?
How many men will cope without a woman like I can without a man as long as possible? 3.1.2013
How do we manage?
How do we manage with all these cutbacks?
How we manage with all these debts?
Even the banks are debts?
How can the banks give out loans when they are in debt knowing a lot of people can't manage to pay them back?
How are we all still alive with so little money?
How have we become so greedy in a small country like Britain spending money we haven't got?
Kids having kids so they can leave home and don't have to go to work, this is taking a lot money.
Many people who sign on still manage to drink all day and night in the pubs, this is encourged by pubs been open 24 hours a day.
Too many people in this country who wasn't born in this country.
We are spending money we haven't got so the list goes on. 4.1.2013
The wind is blowing so lond.
The wind is blowing so loud I can't hear a thing.
I know there's a lot of sounds are going on around me.
Now the wind is so strong it's making me fly up into the air.
Now the wind is strong it's bringing me down to the ground.
Now I'm blowing in the air as my hair is sticking up on end.
I have no control with the wind as I'm blowing up and down like a Jack in the box. 4.1.2013
Next one to be.
Next one to be is to be as special as you.
I know I won't get you back again, even though I didn't want to lose your love.
I know it will take a long time for me to date or never at all. 4.1.2013
I know your mind.
What is there to talk about?
I know if I go along with what you want, I will get hurt again.
I'm not going along with your mind games again.
I'm not going to be there for you to dump me when you get bored.
I'm not going to be there for you to love when you feel alone.
I feel alone but I don't need you at all.
I have a feeling now I'm single you won't want me no more until I meet someone else.
Why should I travel all the way down to yours to have the door shut in my face knowing that I haven't been down to yours for so long.
I have coped without you long enough why should I need you now?
What's the point when you aren't going to achieve hurting my feelings anymore?
I would be lieing to go down and see you when I know there's no need when I don't love you anymore.
You can't hurt me anymore.
Why should I have the door shut in my face by a man I don't love anymore?
I don't cry over you anymore, I cried enough when I did love you and you hurt me a lot more. 5.1.2013
I don't need your help.
I don't need your help.
Why should I cry to you over another man?
I can cope alone.
I don't need you to make things any worse for me than you have done.
No pain is as bad as what you put me through.
It was all a long time ago I don't need you at all.
Don't think because I am alone that I am yours!
That's where you think wrong. 5.1.2013
I still love you.
I still love you but it hurts so bad I only wish my feelings weren't as strong as what they are.
If only I could make things easy for you because I know friendship is all you want.
If only I could let go but to me your so special.
Every time I look my phone I keep excepting you to phone or text, I have to tell myself not to expect it anymore.
I walk round with a smile on my face in front of others for them not to know how I'm feeling inside and reasons why.
As our relationship was so private so is our break up.
Not having anyone to talk to with about the way my emotions are is hard.
I bet you feel hurt the same too.
It's like no day goes by. 5.1.2013
Feelings are strong.
I keep hoping I will feel alright tomorrow then when tomorrow comes I feel worse.
I feel empty, lost and alone than ever, even though I didn't see a lot of you when I was seeing you.
When we were seeing one another I wondered how you were feeling about me because I was missing you so much, this was what I was trying to ask you in the text the night our love ended.It wasn't pointless for me because I knew I had your love to look forward to but how was it for you?
I keep hoping you'd love me again I know it's not possible.
I thought it wouldn't make difference as I didn't see a lot of you but it makes a lot of difference to me what about you?
The strong feelings are still there hard to control.
I keep thinking it will get' easier but no it gets harder.
I know I need to give it it's own time to heel and carry living without your love.
I understand reasons why you ended it, even so it really hurts more that there was no pain between us to end it even though I can gladly say we didn't hurt one another during the time we were seeing one another.
I just keep thinking about you all the time. 5.1.2013
Parted in silence.
Loved in silence.
Parted in silence.
The pain of losing you is hard to accept.
secert break up is not talked about.
A secert is why nothing is said.
There were no falling outs.
Very little we saw one another when we did see one another.
Reasons for breaking weren't no fault of ours or anyones.
It didn't turn out to be.
Reasons why known to ourselves really.
Who knows what's to be.
Wait and see! 6.1.2013
January blues.
January skies are dull not blue but all feel a bit sad and blue in January.
Everyone feels low this time of year.
Winter time is a time of break ups, which makes you feel the January blues more.
I've cried so many times over the years over break ups, I have no tears to cry anymore.
I have eaten too much over Christmas and stuffed in January.
Now I show my emotions by eating less and less instead.
People are slowly going back to work.
In time I know I need to get myself together to face the busy world yet again. 6.1.2013
Thank you for my card dear heart.
Slow it's far too soon to get randy, have you been drinking too many brandys? ha ha
Slow down we haven't even met yet.
It's far too soon to hit the bed yet.
Slow down Tiger Tim if you wait as long as it takes you will win me in.
A romantic meal between me and you is the way i think about you.
When the time comes to cuddle up to a romantic dvd, then you will be able to see what you think about me.
I love you King Tiger Tim babe between us we can make love, poetry and new wave.
I am here when you are stress to keep you tame my King Tim Tiger Babe.
I know through these times of trouble and stress that you are very brave babe.
I love you my King Tiger Tim babe without any shame my loving brave babe.
With you will be sane and safe as I come you getting off the streaming train babe.
14.2.2013 - 3.12.2013
I love you King Tiger Tim babe between us we can make love, poetry and new wave.
I am here when you are stress to keep you tame my King Tim Tiger Babe.
I know through these times of trouble and stress that you are very brave babe.
I love you my King Tiger Tim babe without any shame my loving brave babe.
With you will be sane and safe as I come you getting off the streaming train babe.
14.2.2013 - 3.12.2013
They don't know about ( about being disabled)
They shouldn't look at us as if we are mad.
They shouldn't look at us as if we are sad.
They seem to think more of the bad in us than good.
They should think good in us than bad.
They look at us to say we are useless to think we are useless and helpless.
They shouldn't judge us for what they see and hear of us.
It doesn't mean there are no disabilities just because they don't see them but it doesn't mean we don't have good in us either.
Whichever way they shouldn't judge to get us misunderstood.
They don't know about ( being disabled) that's why they misunderstand us. 3rd - 4th March 2013
Poetry i wrote so long ago.
When i think what i wrote was a load of rubbish because i felt rubbish.
Somehow my rubbish words linked into poetry.
My poetry because with rubbish because i was so down from a man who broke my heart so badly.
I loved him so much but he didn't thinks as much of me as I did of him now i can't stand him.
Now what he had put me through had all come back on him and he feels for me how i used to feel for him.
How unhappy was I to write such rubbish.
How could I have loved a man who only pretended to love me yet i though so different at the time.
The way he hurt me it took me a long time to click he didn't think as much of me as what i thought.
How painful it was to face the world, i just didn't want to be here anymore but somehow i was too strong for that but at the time I never thought I was.
I drank heavy and those rubbish words came out on paper.
What rubbish words I wrote because I was so drunk.
Yet more and more words came out that turned into poetry.
The words were just unhappy thoughts that were going through my mind at the time.
I couldn't find any other way of controlling my mind and getting on with my life.
The only thing i could do was write.
When he saw what I wrote, his face just froze, then said good poetry.
My poetry meant nothing to him but the truth did and the truth what i wrote was in my poetry.
I didn't write a load of rubbish after all, what i was trying to say was the man who I was in love with he was rubbish.
Many years later i thought about the very few words he said.
He wasn't awarding me for my poetry, he froze because he knew what i said was the truth of what i felt about him at the time.
He couldn't see that at that time it's as if he was so blind.
The time came when his feelings had changed so had mine, he felt how I used to feel, I felt how he used to feel.
When that day came it hit him harder than it hit me, it's now all too late for him.
He may have changed his mind but I never will, i will never make the same mistake twice even once was enough. 6.3.2013
Chatting 2 u.
When I first spoke 2 u on the dating site friendship was all I know after been on my own 4 5 and a half years.
Through chatting 2 u on Facebook my feelings are getting stronger towards u.
I hope it will be worth it in the end and that we will still feel the same way as we do now about one another.
Let's hope it will be worth the date.
We will get 2 know one another more however long it takes.
I never live my life in hopes someone will feel the same as i do because I have been hurt before, trust something i need 2 get over more.
The more and more I am getting 2 know u online my feelings are growing stronger and stronger. 16.3.2013
Unknown 2 both of us.
It all seems like a long wait until we met but every day is getting closer.
It's not as long as it seems for the final moment.
To see how we feel about one another after we have met is going to be an interesting one.
It's surprising how chatting to one another online can be part of our lives, which already make our feelings strong everyday but very unknown how we feel about one another when we meet. 16.3.2013
Too soon to know.
Too soon to know.
Feelings uncontrolled.
Just chatting online doesn't say a lot.
The more we chat though it's surprising what we learn off one another.
Computers, art and music we may love but unknown to whether they make us love one another. 16.3.2013
You can't touch me now.
You can't touch me now, your far too late.
You never loved me as much as I thought.
You only pretended to love and led me to think that you did.
You treated me like dirt.
First you wanted me then you got bored with me, then you excepted me to be there when you got bored with someone else.
At the time I was a foal to give into your silly mind games, then I realised you played games with my mind because you couldn't make up your mind.
Not anymore, never again am I knocking your door, you won't see me anymore.
I have someone now who knows who he wants, he doesn't play mind games like you did.
Now you only have yourself to blame.
When I was there you didn't want me, when you did it was only pretend.
You should have known who you wanted when I was there and stuck to what you said and stopped beating round the brush.
That's it I've gone I'm coming back no more. 2.4.2013
I need to forget about you and move on.
I need to forget about you and move on, you treated me bad and made me very sad.
You only pretended to love me, you didn't love me at all when I love you loser.
Sadly for you my love died for you and you want my love back when it was all gone, now it's far too late for you.
You are no more on my mind, you knew I used to love you so much so you played games with my mind.
You kept on changing your mind whether you loved me or not.
Now once it's gone with me it's gone for good.
You loved me, then didn't.
You lied to me, then you lied to yourself.
You hurt me, then you hurt yourself.
You didn't love me at all, you couldn't get the rest of them to love like i used to love you.
Now I am with someone who loves me a hell of a lot more than you ever did.
I am with someone who knows who he wants and doesn't play mind games like you did. 2.4.2013
Time to look forward.
Yesterday has gone there's no looking back on then.
Live for today and hope for tomorrow.
Be patience and be strong and your time will come along if you wait as long as it takes.
Taking far too much time is far too long to waste.
Make the most of the good you have got but then accept the bad.
Life would be boring if it all went all one way everyday.
Be brave and be strong.
Show your face and don't let them bother you.
Don't be afraid.
Show the world it hasn't won. 5.4.2013
Take your time don't rush!
Take your time don't rush!
You will get there in the end if you are patience enough.
Think before you speak.
Don't decide anything until or unless you know what your doing.
Don't turn left, right or straight on until you know where to turn.
Think about things very carefully and take your time.
Don't be too quick and don't be too slow because life is too short to waist.
Think about things very carefully so take your time.
Put faith into trust before hand don't rush.
Waiting can be hard but worth it in the end.
Things will only be done right if they are done slowly.
Be sure of yourself before you do anything.
What you want will come in time. 5.4.2013
Us.
However far apart we are we are just a computer away.
Email, phone, text, Facebook whether we are friends or lovers.
Whatever happens we will never hate one another.
Learn from your past to create a better future.
Live for today yesterday has gone.
Let's hope for tomorrow.
Be patience there are plenty more days of your life to come but they are too short to waist. 7.4.2013
Nothing seems to standing still.
Nothing seems to be standing still even though we think it is going to.
It's always at the back of ones' mind wondering whether whether or not they have done the right or wrong thing.
It's better right or wrong than not trying at all.
There comes a time you have tried so many times that you accept whatever happens. 7.4.2013
New chapter in the book.
Now it's just the begining.
The future is unknown.
Everything is far too soon to say.
I have spent days writing this poem in my mind but on paper the words don't seem to come out right.
I only hope we feel the same way now when we meet.
Butterflies are flying in my stomach and my nevus are on edge yet i am so looking forward to meeting you.
I'm amazed just by taking to you online how my feelings have grown for you.
Only time will tell us if it is meant to be or not.
Let our friendship grow but we should we shouldn't force anything that's not meant to be.7.4.2013
Friendship.
Live in hope that we have friendship always no matter what happens.
It's just very lucky if we do grow to more than just friendship.
It's far too soon to know what will become of us.
Feelings are hard to control but we both need to be sure what we both want.
It's far to soon to know even though our feelings are there for one another.
Friendship can be hard to keep without it growing into more.
I like many other people have had broken relationships through falling for someone far too soon.
We can only do our best to take our time but never hate one another.
Feelings can be very mixed up with not knowing what's going to happen. 9.4.2013
Can't sleep.
Can't sleep with you on my mind unknown to how both of us or either one of us are going to feel when we meet.
Even though we have enjoyed one another's company online, we still have a lot to find out about one another.
It can still take time to know how we feel for one another face to face.
Very early days only time will tell.
I try to control my feelings and see it at this early stage as friendship.
The way feel about you now is too much to bare.
Even though we are meeting today, how will we feel tomorrow?
It's far too soon to know.
By just chatting online it's far too easy to think that our friendship has grown.
It will be interesting to know what it will be like when we meet. 9.4.2013
If only I knew.
If only I knew what your thinking now.
If only I knew what's going to happen when we meet today.
No second of this morning can come quick enough.
Nothing comes quick enough when your waiting for it to happen.
I must be patience let time come round slowly hopefully it will be worth the wait of the date. 9.4.2013
Before the date.
Thoughts are running through my mind wondering what will happen next.
Thoughts that have woken me up this morning far too soon.
Unanswered questions running through my head.
My thoughts are still unknown yet I will write away until this pen runs out of ink, which may happen before I run out of thoughts.
This could happen to us either way but which ever way we will never hate one another.
No hate between us whatever this date bring. 9.4.2013
My friend.
My friend my male friend, friendship or relationship live in hope to be there for one another til the end.
It's very early days yet.
My nevus are kicking in more and more.
Butterflies are flying around my stomach again and again. 9.4.2013
How do you feel now?
The feelings are there still from before we met.
I am just talking my time to get to know you and to be honest with you.
I wouldn't string you along, if I say anything I will be honest what I say.
More time we take over it the more worth it if more than than friend ever happens.
It will only happen if and when it's right and mean't to be.
You have as much right as anyone to live the same life as everyone.
You need honestly in someone who is making sure of herself and how she feels, which is what she's going to do.
No saying hello one day then goodbye the next.
With me I am straight down the line it's either hello or goodbye all the way. 11.4.2013
Yes I do want to see you again.
Yes I do want to see you again whatever happens.
I like and care about you as a person.
Like you as person, it's the same with me many people look at my disabilities not the person I am.
It's like no one seems to see the good in us as if they only see only weaknesses.
Only time will tell how you and I will end up.
Whatever goes on between you and me there's no need for any hate to happen between us.
Just take our time whatever happens, when anything havens, if anything happens.
In the mean time enjoy chatting 2 one another online, text, phone and email.
This will give us more time to get to know one another.
Take everyday as it comes.
It's better to have someone in some way than no one at all. 11.4.2013
What was I thinking?
I drank myself away and eat far less.
For me to have been like that I was very depressed.
To me you were my world but as years went on I learned you weren't as special as I though.
Now I don't feel the same for you anyone you hurt me so bad.
I just carried for years thinking you'd change until my feelings weren't there for you anymore.
I thought of nothing and no one else but you now I dread seeing you anywhere.
I can only think how much you hurt me.
One day I won't think about you at all.
The drink numbed the pain hoping how I was feeling was all in my mind but it wasn't.
Hoping that I didn't know you or that you still loved but you know me and didn't love me liked I loved you.
Why did I let you upset my mind?
Now it all seems like a long time ago as if it will never go away.
Yet if you think I can forgive and forget have you back as if nothing happened your so wrong, it's never going to happen.
Sorry but I don't feel the same way for you anymore.
All I needed to do was get rid of the feelings for you, which is what I have done.
Now I have moved on to a better life than I had with you. 13.4.2013
I thought I was weak now I strong.
Pain was too much to bare.
Now I know it shouldn't have hurt me as much as it did.
Now it seems as if I have had a long nightmare my sleep.
Let's just think I knew you yet I didn't know you.
It took me a long time to understand that you weren't the man for me.
Losing was the end of the world for me now I would walk away if I saw your face.
I know I needed to lose weight but not that much weight because of you.
Yesterday seemed like a long time ago for today and tomorrow. 13.4.2013
Your not happy.
Your not happy whether you have me in your life or not, that doesn't surprise me with your mind games.
Tomorrow is a new and different day for me, it's time to move and yesterday has gone.
Now I have gone out of your life for good I don't have to put up with your promises and your lies.
I am now living a happy and new life without you with what you put me through.
To have been with you in the first place is hard to know why iI put up with you all those years yet I thought it was love.
How wrong and blind was I what was going through my mind at the time?
Why did it take all those years to know that you were never at all mine? 16.4.2013
Life goes on.
For a time I was lost and I felt alone after loving someone for so long.
I bared nearly 6 years alone.
Been alone wasn't the reason for starting to chat to you, I tried not to look for love at all.
Friendship was all I excepted.
Everyone saw me carrying on as if nothing happened but undernealth I was hurt.
I must carry on to think I have to move on to a new life after so long alone.
It takes so long to use to a new way of life.
I use to feel hurt a lot but not anymore.
It's seemed so long I felt hurt it was as if nothing was going to change.
I never thought I was going to get better.
Now it's just a case of how long this date will last compaired to what I have had before.
We must take my time this time round, we are getting no younger.
I only hope that I am getting wiser.
What am I waiting for?
Inside my nevus are going half a mile to the dozen because everything been so new to me, what about you?
I'm unsure of every move I make just in case I make it too soon.
Butterflies are already flying round inside me waiting to see you again.
Whatever happen to me yesterday I put behind, now you are on my mind.
I must carry on to put behind me what has gone.
No matter how i feel inside I smile on the outside.
I can't wait to see you again. 17.4.2013
I believe I will get there in the end.
Now you have gone offline I miss you but I know we will be back there chatting time.
I believe I will get there and it will be worth it in the end.
My feelings for you are hard to control and my friendship for you is growing into more.
Yet I know it's far early days still but I find my feelings hard to show.
I am thinking about you all the time even when either one or both of us are offline.
I'm wishing I was with you but I am glad to have my space.
I don't want to rush into things because I don't want to spoil a thing between us.
It's seems so silly in one way because it's still such early days.
Yet my feelings are getting stronger and stronger for you everyday.
I missing chatting to you online but i understand that both of us have other things in our lives, even though our feelings are growing towards one another everyday.
It's only a matter of time until we see one another again we will make it worth it again.
When see one another again we will make a go of this together.
Let's hope it's sunny weather.
I know I have to wait just like you do so we will have to control one anothers' feelings till then.
Can't wait to see you again waiting is hard to do we can hang on there.
I know that neither of us can wait to meet again.
I can't wait to see you walking off the train holding my hand again. 25.4.2013
There doesn't seem and need to be a reason why I love you.
It's very explainable why I love you other than I find you very respectable towards me and to me there's something very special about.
What is special about you to me I can't put my finger on that either.
All I know is that I love you, which I couldn't control even if I wanted to.
My reasons for my feelings towards you are just so unknown to myself as well as you.
Why would I want to try and control the way I feel about you when the way we feel about one another makes one another happy?
I love you and want you no one can take that away from me whether they like it or not.
I feel this way about you whether it's right or wrong my feelings for you are very strong.
There should be no wrong or and no shame for loving a person for a person mainly the way I love you.
I love you.
I hate the way people judge people.
At the end of the day everyone has good and bad in them it doesn't matter who and what they are. 5.5.2013
I don't want to lose the happiness I have got.
I can't help but love you but I don't want to lose the happiness I have got.
I don't want to spoil a thing by rushing into things.
It's far too easy to love too soon when feelings are so strong so I need to slow down.
The good and nice feelings are hard to control but I don't want be ungratefully to happiness.
I don't want to throw away the happiness I have got.
I just need to slow down because I don't want to spoil a thing we have got.
I never thought I would love anyone like you but I do.
I admit on our first date because we only just meet I was nervus like you but I was unsure of my own feelings.
Since then my feelings have grown towards you even more.
I was feeling very sad when you had gone on the train after our first date.
It was only then that I started to know how I was really starting to feel towards you.
I found it hard to show my feelings on the date yet I couldn't wait to see you before hand.
I was very sad to see you go, it was only when you had gone my feelings was wanting to show.
I had to stop myself from starting to cry regretting not showing my feelings when you were here.
I felt so ashamed with myself when you'd gone it felt too late, then I thought no I will be dating him again. 6.5.2013
We never knew.
We never thought of love when we first spoke online, which at that time was fine.
In time our feelings grow more and more towards one another as we got chatting.
Even now it's still unknow whether one found the other or we found each other.
Time goes so fast when we are chatting yet so slow when we are not.
Time when so fast when we were dating one another twice seeing one another yet seeing one another again seems so long to come.
What I have said is true no one I have loved has loved me as much as you do. 28.5.2013.
Only you know what you missed.
You are such a time waster.
You never saw me at all as a kid.
If only you knew what you missed.
Playing on the bench, during adulthood you have so rarely contacted me.
I contacted you mostly.
Your no Father of mine, you are just thoughtless but not bad as a friend.
That's hard to accept you as a friend when underneath your my Dad.
This show your no Father at all.
Your lose and my gain, when I had a better childhood without you.
So I can carry on having better adulthood without you. 4.1.2013
I thought it would have been easy for us to be Father and Daughter.
There are many people in this world in the same boat as us if not worse.
When I first met and knew you at twenty - one I could see the future and everything seemed alright to me until many years later when you told me about the younger children.
Now I know it's hard to build a Father and Daughter relationship with you through adulthood.
So the end is unhappy how this all turned out. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
what does it
feel like?
I wanted to give you a chance to be my Father; it does not seem to be like that.
The reason for that is what your family told me or should I say my Mum about you.
It's hard to forget a family past like that.
Sometimes can put it behind me other times I cannot.
Knowing that I did not see you as a child is still hard to take in.
It hurt more as a child and that you are not seeing these children now.
I will still find a way of getting on with my life without you the same as I had no choice as a child.
Don't think I am afraid that if I managed as a child I can manage now to live without seeing you.
Written 5.7.2000 -2013
I wanted to give you a chance to be my Father; it does not seem to be like that.
The reason for that is what your family told me or should I say my Mum about you.
It's hard to forget a family past like that.
Sometimes can put it behind me other times I cannot.
Knowing that I did not see you as a child is still hard to take in.
It hurt more as a child and that you are not seeing these children now.
I will still find a way of getting on with my life without you the same as I had no choice as a child.
Don't think I am afraid that if I managed as a child I can manage now to live without seeing you.
Written 5.7.2000 -2013
Men and love.
What has been missing out of my life?
May be I don't need it, may be I can do without love of a man.
Not just in a partner but in my own Father.
Where were you when I needed you?
That was a silly question, was it?
All my life, I have felt anger asking myself why I did not see you as child.
My entire Mother's family managed very well with me.
I don't feel like your daughter at all.
For whatever reason you could not see me for you could have seen me for a little while.
You are my Father it seems wrong that you were not around when I was a child. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
What has been missing out of my life?
May be I don't need it, may be I can do without love of a man.
Not just in a partner but in my own Father.
Where were you when I needed you?
That was a silly question, was it?
All my life, I have felt anger asking myself why I did not see you as child.
My entire Mother's family managed very well with me.
I don't feel like your daughter at all.
For whatever reason you could not see me for you could have seen me for a little while.
You are my Father it seems wrong that you were not around when I was a child. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
It's far too late.
My Mother told me about you when I was five.
Why did you confuse my mind?
I know I did not know any difference at the age of five but you made me feel unhappy when find out at the age five.
The reason for that was because I knew Ray as my Father then I was suddenly told that you are my real Father Max.
Now we can't turn back the clock.
Sorry I can't be a child again.
Now I am grown up, it's your lose. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
My Mother told me about you when I was five.
Why did you confuse my mind?
I know I did not know any difference at the age of five but you made me feel unhappy when find out at the age five.
The reason for that was because I knew Ray as my Father then I was suddenly told that you are my real Father Max.
Now we can't turn back the clock.
Sorry I can't be a child again.
Now I am grown up, it's your lose. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
you have had
your chance to be my Father.
My Mother and her family gave you a chance to be my Father during my childhood.
For some reason you were not there but for whatever reason it was what you can't change the facts that I am your daughter.
You have not changed now, have you?
I thought I could forgive and forget until you told me you have two other children me and may be my half brother Jay has not seen.
This must be worse for them than it was for me as they are in care, they must be wondering who their real family really are.
Now I am an adult you don't feel like my Father, I just feel like me. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
My Mother and her family gave you a chance to be my Father during my childhood.
For some reason you were not there but for whatever reason it was what you can't change the facts that I am your daughter.
You have not changed now, have you?
I thought I could forgive and forget until you told me you have two other children me and may be my half brother Jay has not seen.
This must be worse for them than it was for me as they are in care, they must be wondering who their real family really are.
Now I am an adult you don't feel like my Father, I just feel like me. Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
What does it
feel like?
I wanted to give you a chance to be my Father; it does not seem to be like that.
The reason for that is what your family told me or should I say my Mum about you.
It's hard to forget a family past like that.
Sometimes can put it behind me other times I cannot.
Knowing that I did not see you as a child is still hard to take in.
It hurt more as a child and that you are not seeing these children now.
I will still find a way of getting on with my life without you the same as I had no choice as a child.
Don't think I am afraid that if I managed as a child I can manage now to live without seeing you.
Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
I wanted to give you a chance to be my Father; it does not seem to be like that.
The reason for that is what your family told me or should I say my Mum about you.
It's hard to forget a family past like that.
Sometimes can put it behind me other times I cannot.
Knowing that I did not see you as a child is still hard to take in.
It hurt more as a child and that you are not seeing these children now.
I will still find a way of getting on with my life without you the same as I had no choice as a child.
Don't think I am afraid that if I managed as a child I can manage now to live without seeing you.
Written 5.7.2000 - 2013
Things could have been worse I know.
All the same it's not good enough!
There's only so much I can take, I have accepted it long enough.
Thank god things can't get that much bad or worse.
I am sorry, I wish I knew how to carry on as if nothing has happened but I afraid I am very disappointed in you Dad, I thought you may have chanced to what you were like in the past but for what you told me it does not sound like it.
Never mind me I am grown up my childhood was past, they are your young child you should think about their future, and can’t you see that?
You are the only one who has lost out whether you see that or not I don't know.
Do you know that!
What has it done to my life, more important what will it done to Henry and Louise's life? More to the point what has it done to Jay's life?
When I go into relationships I fall in love too easy, when I get hurt I find it hard to let go.
I know I dream of a far away future still the same as when I was a younger person.
Now I must tell myself to take things day by day.
Whatever the future is and how we end up does not bother me as long as he's mine and I am his. Written 4.7.2000 -2013
This is what
you have put me through.
When relationships end, I have always cracked into pieces.
Depression hits me really bad, it's always hurtful and upsetting and take it takes me ages to get through.
I am so glad I write poetry otherwise I'd never get through.
Even if I have people around me I feel as if the whole world is coming down on me.
I just seem to really crack up; I bet that does that to a lot of people too.
I feel so guilty and selfish because everyone has relationship break ups, not just me.
It's hard to put it into words, what I do to go to pieces like this.
You would have to see me in this state but then again I don't like anyone seeing me like this, I feel ashamed of myself.
I am very sorry if I have upset people when I have been upset like this. Written 4.7.2000 - 2013
When relationships end, I have always cracked into pieces.
Depression hits me really bad, it's always hurtful and upsetting and take it takes me ages to get through.
I am so glad I write poetry otherwise I'd never get through.
Even if I have people around me I feel as if the whole world is coming down on me.
I just seem to really crack up; I bet that does that to a lot of people too.
I feel so guilty and selfish because everyone has relationship break ups, not just me.
It's hard to put it into words, what I do to go to pieces like this.
You would have to see me in this state but then again I don't like anyone seeing me like this, I feel ashamed of myself.
I am very sorry if I have upset people when I have been upset like this. Written 4.7.2000 - 2013
Sometimes I have felt as if something has been missing in my life.
I have never known really what it is.
What do you know Father, it's partly caused by me and mainly caused by you because I find it hard to let go of love.
I hope this young gentleman will fill in the missing gap.
Looking back now, no other man who has been my lover has been there like you. Written 4.7.2000 - 2013
I think I
forgive you Dad.
I forgive Dad; sorry I got angry with you.
I can't help but feel disappointed that you missed my childhood.
I am happy to put the past behind me, well I will try the best I can.
I don't think my young half brother and sister will ever forgive me for this though knowing that they may not have seen either of us you, me or Jay.
Please don't forget I have not forgotten though, I may live with it but it will never come out my head.
I agree that it must have been a shock for you with me on the way because Mum and you were so young.
I know now that these things could have happened for the best, all good things come to an end.
In whatever way the past may have affected me I am willing to cope the best I can.
I know I call you Dad sometimes I think life is too not to talk again but other times with not seeing Henry and Louise I feel as if I am a jigsaw with two pieces missing out of me.
Forgiving me what I said but I am confused Dad.
Ray had been always the person called Dad.
Ray looked after me as a child; he was there for me when I was ill.
All Dads should do for their kids what Ray has done.
Please don't feel guilty because you can't change the past but you can be difference in the future though.
I was angry because I wanted to try to put the past behind me.
I must make a new start put the past behind and look to the future.
May be I could think of you as a friend rather than a Father but that's hard when you are my Father.
I still feel as two human beings are missing from my life mine half brother and sister, I bet Jay feels the same way too.
Whatever me and Jay say we may not say how we really feel because we have had choice but to live with the situation you have created Dad.
I don't know whether or not Jay knows about Henry and Louise.
I am sorry if I am confusing you because I am confused myself but seeing as my Dad and you are confusing too. Written 25.7.2000
I forgive Dad; sorry I got angry with you.
I can't help but feel disappointed that you missed my childhood.
I am happy to put the past behind me, well I will try the best I can.
I don't think my young half brother and sister will ever forgive me for this though knowing that they may not have seen either of us you, me or Jay.
Please don't forget I have not forgotten though, I may live with it but it will never come out my head.
I agree that it must have been a shock for you with me on the way because Mum and you were so young.
I know now that these things could have happened for the best, all good things come to an end.
In whatever way the past may have affected me I am willing to cope the best I can.
I know I call you Dad sometimes I think life is too not to talk again but other times with not seeing Henry and Louise I feel as if I am a jigsaw with two pieces missing out of me.
Forgiving me what I said but I am confused Dad.
Ray had been always the person called Dad.
Ray looked after me as a child; he was there for me when I was ill.
All Dads should do for their kids what Ray has done.
Please don't feel guilty because you can't change the past but you can be difference in the future though.
I was angry because I wanted to try to put the past behind me.
I must make a new start put the past behind and look to the future.
May be I could think of you as a friend rather than a Father but that's hard when you are my Father.
I still feel as two human beings are missing from my life mine half brother and sister, I bet Jay feels the same way too.
Whatever me and Jay say we may not say how we really feel because we have had choice but to live with the situation you have created Dad.
I don't know whether or not Jay knows about Henry and Louise.
I am sorry if I am confusing you because I am confused myself but seeing as my Dad and you are confusing too. Written 25.7.2000
My Father.
My Father can be very good to me.
On the whole we are Father and daughter who get on very well.
We talk, laugh, eat and listen to music together.
We get on very well together. 22.5.2001
My Father can be very good to me.
On the whole we are Father and daughter who get on very well.
We talk, laugh, eat and listen to music together.
We get on very well together. 22.5.2001
Time goes by
fast.
I remember playing on the beach making sand castles as a child with my bucket and spade.
My Father never saw me use my bucket and spade in the sand with my pals.
I didn't have chance to should him my bucket of shells.
When my Father looked at me after twenty - one years I was grown up, those days childhood days were gone.
Now I am a young woman of thirty - one, I wonder where time has gone.
When you’re a child you were grown up, when you are grown up you wish you were a child again.25.5.2001
now I am grown up.
It's a shame I am grown up because my youth has gone.
The good thing about getting older is that you should get wiser.
My Father and I have more in common than we would have when I was a child.
Listening to Bod Dylan instead of playing dolls.
The great thing about been grown up I can join in with what my Father does instead of been board with one another doing difference things. 29.5.2001
I remember playing on the beach making sand castles as a child with my bucket and spade.
My Father never saw me use my bucket and spade in the sand with my pals.
I didn't have chance to should him my bucket of shells.
When my Father looked at me after twenty - one years I was grown up, those days childhood days were gone.
Now I am a young woman of thirty - one, I wonder where time has gone.
When you’re a child you were grown up, when you are grown up you wish you were a child again.25.5.2001
now I am grown up.
It's a shame I am grown up because my youth has gone.
The good thing about getting older is that you should get wiser.
My Father and I have more in common than we would have when I was a child.
Listening to Bod Dylan instead of playing dolls.
The great thing about been grown up I can join in with what my Father does instead of been board with one another doing difference things. 29.5.2001
Father Ray.
When I was a baby and small child, Father Ray uses to take carry me, here there and everywhere.
He uses to hold my hand everywhere in Fathering care.
Father, Ray use to kiss and cuddle me with tender loving to be.
Father, Ray was always there to make sure I ate all my tea.
When I was fifteen years old he drove round the night clubs in Margate looking for me.
Father, Ray is such a gentleman and Dad to me better than my real Father has been.
In emergency Father, Ray is always there to care and to share.
Father, Ray is a loving Dad as much as he can be.
When it was my birthday Father, Ray was still here with me.
When my Mother told me that my Father was not Ray, I was confused not knowing what was happening to me.
I was mad, angry and I cried.
I was frightened to go to sleep that night in case I had nightmares.
When I was ill Father, Ray took care of me.
Confused parents make confused children, it does not help their relationships either still that's life. In my case I have just left a confused man over mouth ago after 15yrs. I am not confused now at least I hope not anyway. 1997 – 2000
When I was a baby and small child, Father Ray uses to take carry me, here there and everywhere.
He uses to hold my hand everywhere in Fathering care.
Father, Ray use to kiss and cuddle me with tender loving to be.
Father, Ray was always there to make sure I ate all my tea.
When I was fifteen years old he drove round the night clubs in Margate looking for me.
Father, Ray is such a gentleman and Dad to me better than my real Father has been.
In emergency Father, Ray is always there to care and to share.
Father, Ray is a loving Dad as much as he can be.
When it was my birthday Father, Ray was still here with me.
When my Mother told me that my Father was not Ray, I was confused not knowing what was happening to me.
I was mad, angry and I cried.
I was frightened to go to sleep that night in case I had nightmares.
When I was ill Father, Ray took care of me.
Confused parents make confused children, it does not help their relationships either still that's life. In my case I have just left a confused man over mouth ago after 15yrs. I am not confused now at least I hope not anyway. 1997 – 2000
What am I doing here?
Why did you put me here?
These two questions I have been asking myself all my
life.
You don’t really know me and I don’t really know you.
Yet you put me on the planet in the first place.
I can’t but wonder if you’re alright because no one is
getting any younger are they?
Am I just no one and you are in good health?
If only I knew what’s going through your mind.
My feelings are so mixed about you.
It seems as if I should put you out my mind but I don’t
know how to because you are my Father.
So much time has been wasted and life is so short.
Therefore if anything happens to you I won’t know will me?
Why is it down to me to do the contacting all the time?
I should turn off my brain but I don’t know how to.
I only wish I could be like you turn off my brain and
forget the rest of the world but then I don’t I’m so glad I am getting on with
my life and doing well without you.
It seems as if you don’t think at all even though you
might well do so how I am I suppose to know?
Yet it seems only when you see me it reminds me that I am
apart of you.
It seems as if you don’t think but you must do the fact I
don’t know is what hurts.
Not knowing asks questions in the mind and answers can’t
be given.
This is where I go out of my mind if only I could turn
myself off but I can’t because I am your daughter. 13.7.2013
We are stronger than we think.
We feel scared of pain yet we have already been through pain.
Pain is part of life, we go through good and bad everyday some things we notice others we don't.
Each and everyone of us different how we react to pain.
Some of us talks about what causes our pain and others don't.
Everyone should have their own choice how they deal with what ever pain they have whatever has happened in their lives whether it's happened to themselves or people they know.
People must be force to deal with whatever they are going through people want them to only they want to.
Yes it's true to get things off your mind but that's up to the person whose going whatever whether they want to or not.
We must respect some people like to keep things people and only certain people they want to tell if they tell.
If anyone says anything to anyone they choose to talk to.
There are some things that people may well be open to depend what it is and if they feel better talking about it.
To some if not most situations it's not good to bottle things up but it's still people choices if they want to talk about whatever all or not, it's not about what the rest of the world thinks.
It's down to the person themselves to speak about their problem only if they want to.
This could depend on what's on the person's mind.
In some situations pain is a wake up call in fact all when we fall down and get back up again everyday of our lives without realizing we are stronger than what we think we are.
Pain is a feeling that is a part of us whether we realising or not whether we like it or not.
Good and bad is part of been an animal and a human being.
If peoples choices are to express their pain, they should have the rights and choices to stand up for themselves, others and raise awareness of what they have or are going through if they want. 21.7.2013
We believe in eachother.
I believe you have faith in yourself so I believe that you have faith in me.
I believe you know what and who you want in your life and you never change your mind.
I believe you know what you want within me.
It's great have someone in my life who believes in because no other man I have had in my life has.
Yes I beleave that you believe in me like I believe in you.
I believe you bring the positive in me yet your more clever than me.
You believing the positive in me is helping me slowly to think postive about myself. 21.7.2013.
Before I met you online.
I spoke to quite a few guys before I met you online but none of them were my type.
To me going to relationship wasn't the right time at that time.
Some where pushy, others wanted more than friendship, others were boring and others wanted their cake and eat it, before you that's what it was like for me all the time.
Since I met you online you have given me a good time chatting to you every time.
When I met you I excepted to full in love with you online.
I thought I'd write some lines of what's going through my mind.
I'm thinking about you all the time.
You are very very very very very very very very very very very very very kind.
You are mine and I can't get you off my mind.
Now for me and you now is the time to start our life.
Now I wish you where by my side.
With you have felt wine and dined, which I have never felt like that for sometime.
At that point I just wanted friendship just talking about every day life.
There were a few that contacted me who excepted too much of me at that time.
Many could have wanted my money in time.
Many could have been out of their minds.
I know even with you if took me a while to decide what was going through my mind at our dating time.
4.7.2013
It's all my fault.
I should have understood what you were going through.
I wasn't thinking straight at the time.
I was saying things I don't really mean.
How selfish am I?
If only I could turn back the clock.
I only I knew the name of the person who should have been looking after you.
There must be more to explain that I can't think of.
I am full of regret of what I should and shouldn't have said.
How I do love you.
How I feel as if I let you down and myself too. 25.8.2013
Thank you so much.
Thank you for everything.
I feel as if I have let you down because I have let myself down.
I never thought it would end this way.
How dare I react as I did.
I should have known that I have been through worse than this.
I should have accepted what you wanted but give me more time to come to terms with this.
I need time to come to terms with depression.
May be may not all this is in my head.
It's like the world thinks I have gone crazy and mad.
I need to fight my depression.
I need to accept that you don't love me like I love you.
I need to stop making life hard for you. 25.8.2013
How dare you Mr Manager.
How dare you wreck our life.
How dare you take away the man I love.
May be you have broke us up but I still fight my depression.
May be my Aniexty and Depression is all in my head but either way I will write poetry however life treats me.
Now I need to hope I can sleep tonight with all what's on my mind.
A mind that thinks non stop 24 hours a day.
May be the pain that I feel is what I write into poetry.
What is it to be poetry or death?
I need to say poetry to keep myself alive.
To keep myself going along strong.
I need to fight these bad thoughts.
I guess I may or may not love again. 25.8.2013
Now I need to end the night.
Now I need to end the night not my life which not a easy thing to think when you are so down with life.
Hit the bed after the last cigarette.
Fights those thoughts about death and go to bed.
Fight the thoughts about self harm going through my head.
Since 1997 I have been writing poetry wondering how much of my life is left.
What the heck I write instead.
Wondering where to go next.
Will I sleep in my bed.
I will I take a tablet then forget what's in my head. 25.8.2013
Keep writing what's in my head.
I keep writing what's in my head.
To sleep to try to block what's in my head.
If only I didn't have any regrets.
I feel as if I have failed myself and others.
Time for a fag then bed.
Unknown whether or not that I will wake again.
To face the pain and distress tomorrow.
To know if I can carry on fighting how I feel about life.
I wish I could shut the bad thoughts out my head.
Where would I be without talent? 25.8.2013
I have sadly woken up.
I have sadly woken up to face the everyday stress.
I just don't want to be in this world anymore.
I will stay alive to keep others happy but what I want is different to them.
I will never work again I don't want to, which is so unlike me.
I don't feel well enough.
I don't feel happy enough.
I am a sick woman.
I am sick in the head.
I feel as if I am going round the bend.
Yes, I know what you mean it's all in my head.
I will bring myself down to ground.
I don't want to eat again which is not me cause I love my food.
I will sleep tonight in hopes I will feel better tomorrow. 25.8.2013
Some where pushy, others wanted more than friendship, others were boring and others wanted their cake and eat it, before you that's what it was like for me all the time.
Since I met you online you have given me a good time chatting to you every time.
When I met you I excepted to full in love with you online.
I thought I'd write some lines of what's going through my mind.
I'm thinking about you all the time.
You are very very very very very very very very very very very very very kind.
You are mine and I can't get you off my mind.
Now for me and you now is the time to start our life.
Now I wish you where by my side.
With you have felt wine and dined, which I have never felt like that for sometime.
At that point I just wanted friendship just talking about every day life.
There were a few that contacted me who excepted too much of me at that time.
Many could have wanted my money in time.
Many could have been out of their minds.
I know even with you if took me a while to decide what was going through my mind at our dating time.
4.7.2013
It's all my fault.
I should have understood what you were going through.
I wasn't thinking straight at the time.
I was saying things I don't really mean.
How selfish am I?
If only I could turn back the clock.
I only I knew the name of the person who should have been looking after you.
There must be more to explain that I can't think of.
I am full of regret of what I should and shouldn't have said.
How I do love you.
How I feel as if I let you down and myself too. 25.8.2013
Thank you so much.
Thank you for everything.
I feel as if I have let you down because I have let myself down.
I never thought it would end this way.
How dare I react as I did.
I should have known that I have been through worse than this.
I should have accepted what you wanted but give me more time to come to terms with this.
I need time to come to terms with depression.
May be may not all this is in my head.
It's like the world thinks I have gone crazy and mad.
I need to fight my depression.
I need to accept that you don't love me like I love you.
I need to stop making life hard for you. 25.8.2013
How dare you Mr Manager.
How dare you wreck our life.
How dare you take away the man I love.
May be you have broke us up but I still fight my depression.
May be my Aniexty and Depression is all in my head but either way I will write poetry however life treats me.
Now I need to hope I can sleep tonight with all what's on my mind.
A mind that thinks non stop 24 hours a day.
May be the pain that I feel is what I write into poetry.
What is it to be poetry or death?
I need to say poetry to keep myself alive.
To keep myself going along strong.
I need to fight these bad thoughts.
I guess I may or may not love again. 25.8.2013
Now I need to end the night.
Now I need to end the night not my life which not a easy thing to think when you are so down with life.
Hit the bed after the last cigarette.
Fights those thoughts about death and go to bed.
Fight the thoughts about self harm going through my head.
Since 1997 I have been writing poetry wondering how much of my life is left.
What the heck I write instead.
Wondering where to go next.
Will I sleep in my bed.
I will I take a tablet then forget what's in my head. 25.8.2013
Keep writing what's in my head.
I keep writing what's in my head.
To sleep to try to block what's in my head.
If only I didn't have any regrets.
I feel as if I have failed myself and others.
Time for a fag then bed.
Unknown whether or not that I will wake again.
To face the pain and distress tomorrow.
To know if I can carry on fighting how I feel about life.
I wish I could shut the bad thoughts out my head.
Where would I be without talent? 25.8.2013
I have sadly woken up.
I have sadly woken up to face the everyday stress.
I just don't want to be in this world anymore.
I will stay alive to keep others happy but what I want is different to them.
I will never work again I don't want to, which is so unlike me.
I don't feel well enough.
I don't feel happy enough.
I am a sick woman.
I am sick in the head.
I feel as if I am going round the bend.
Yes, I know what you mean it's all in my head.
I will bring myself down to ground.
I don't want to eat again which is not me cause I love my food.
I will sleep tonight in hopes I will feel better tomorrow. 25.8.2013
GPS think disabled people and unwell people are mad.
Not enough time to spend with us to find out what is really wrong with us.
We are judged and misunderstood because we find it hard to explain ourselves.
If we have Mental Health problems we are mad people as far as the Gps think.
We are disbelieved because we look fine to them.
They either do scan and tests they come back normal and we are still unwell, doesn't make sense.
Some GPs refuse to do anything at all because they don't understand Learning Disability and Mental Health.
Whatever you say to the GPs they respond to you as if you have gone mad.
They can even mistake us look as if we are lieing.
Ok we may well guess but neither patients or GPs don't until they do the tests.30.8.2013
Good moments and bad moments.
One minute I feel happy and another minute I feel sad.
Everyday my mood changes through the day.
This happens to me whether I have reason to be happy or sad or not.
Most of the time worry about things that don't turn out to be that bad.
Some problems seem so big to me but so small to others.
People who don't have theses problems understand why I get as stressed as I do.
There many others like me I know. 30.8.2013
Enough is enough.
If only I didn't have anyone to leave behind upset.
It sounds ungrateful and selfish I know.
I am not ungrateful and selfish though.
I am a fighter i staying alive yet I get depressed very easy.
I will be honest say it feels as if life is too painful go on living at times.
Yet for all what's going on in the world these days there's nothing to live for.
As times get harder you don't have to suffer from depression to be depression life does that it's self.
The world it's self is suffering from depression like it was in the 1930s.
Depression is stressful and painful for all.
Why not let a bomb off to blow us up to heaven. 30.8.2013
I'd love to see myself as Mary Poppins.
Give me a broom stick so I can fly so high up to the sky.
Take me up to heaven for me to look down to say goodbye to earth.
In heaven I could be happy and high.
Give me a lolly pop stick so I can jump up and down from heaven to earth like a Jack in the box.
I will fly around in the sky such a high with my kite on windy days and nights.
I will swim around the sky when it rains.
Oh yes those will be the days that will never ever end.
Am I thinking about Mary Hopkins or Mary Poppins.
There used to be happy days on earth but not anymore. 30.8.2013
What is wrong?
I felt unwell for no reason.
The headaches were too much.
I wasn't even drinking much if not at all that point but I felt as if I was.
The room was moving around as if I was on drink and drugs.
I could handy open my eyes if was as if I was blind but I wasn't going into sleep.
I was fully aware of what was going on around me.
Yet I was shaking and feeling dizzy but then I was still getting around.
Was it a sheer panic attack, fit or both.
I am unknown to whether not i have taking the right medication and dose for the past twelve years Lamotrigine 25mg and 50mg.
Now the side effects are just too much I have told my GP but she still tells me to carry on taking them. 31.8.2013
Side effects in my head.
Headaches and dizziness is due to my med.
Don''t tell me that my Anxiety and depression is all in my head caused by the med.
I have always had Anxiety and depression anyway even without the med.
Feeling sleepy and drowsy but not been able to sleep doesn't make sence in my head.
Feeling clumsy on my legs and not been able to do too many things at once which I have never been able to do anyway.
Up and down to the toilet like a jack in the box with stomach upset.
Feeling irritability and the thoughts of taking my own life gets worse.
It's only the people who love me and I love are keeping me here.
Eye movements raid and uncontrolled.
Dry mouth, over tired and not been able to sleep.
Pain in back and joints. 31.8.2013
Feeling low.
Low in mood.
Feeling sad.
Low self-estream.
No get up and go.
Feeling gulity about everything as if everything is my fault for what goes wrong in the world.
Feeling irritate and intolerant towards people or is all of this in my head?
No motivation or interest in anything I am intrested in but I am trying to fight it through.
I find it hard to make decisions.
I find it hard to enjoy life whatever I do.
I find it hard to want to carry on living.
I feel anixious and worried whether I have a reason to be or not.
I keep having suicidal thoughts which I am trying to knock it on the head.
My mind is thinking 24.7.
I even keep falling out with myself in my head.
It's like everything is my fault so I tell myself off all the while. 30.8.2013
I've lost my mind.
I once had a mind which I have lost.
What are you going to tell me that that's in my head when thinks 24.7?
It's either not thinking straight, too much or very rarely not at all.
Inside me there's a feeling as if life isn't living.
I have no energy no get up and go.
Tomorrow I have to force myself to do the job I love doing which doesn't make sense.
Even writing my poetry is hard for me to keep interest in but it's my way of managing the thoughts and feelings that going through my mind. 1.9.2013
It's probley not as bad as what it seems.
May be because I am not thinking straight nothing is as bad as what it seems.
I panic too quicky because I worry too easliy.
There times I say things I don't mean cause nothing seems to make sence to me at the time when I feel I have something to about.
With Anixety people can worry whether they have a reason to or not.
Anything is easy for others to say because Anixety isn't part of them it's part of you.
The way some how someone with depression doesn't make sence too.
People tend to think that people with depression think they have all bad life that's not the case.
Depression is an condition that is hard control when feel down whether is a reason or not.
People think you are not gratful for the good things in life sadness is a feeling like happiness is a feeling.
You can't plain how you are going to feel one minute and one day to the next.
Depression is part of you like Anixety is apart of you.
You can't say when you are going to feel sad and blue.
These things happen if and when they want to. 1.9.2013
Mountain out of a mole hill.
Fear can be what you see in your mind that makes you worry before or if anything happens.
Soemtimes it turns out to be not as bad as what you worry and even fear.
It's too easy for people to misunderstand you for being ungrateful for the good things you have got.
Even people with Anixety and depression are aware that the world isn't all black and white.
Just because the world isn't all black and white it doesn't mean we haven't got theses conditions.
Just because you see smiles on our faces doesn't mean Anixety and Depression isn't in us.
It's our condition makes us the way we are but we also control it the best we can.
Thoughts of taking our live is a feeling of sadness whether we do it or not is really unknow to us.
Some of us find it hard to cope with and some of us find it hard but we just about manage it.
This is why so many of us have thoughts of taking our lives some of us think we can't cope but we still manage it better than what we thought for others it's completely too much.
Never please judge us as if we are ungrateful people.
Anixety and Depression is a painful panic, worry, fear and sadness everyday.
Sometimes we manage to show the feeling other times we don't. 1.9.2013
Winter is on it's way.
Not enough time to spend with us to find out what is really wrong with us.
We are judged and misunderstood because we find it hard to explain ourselves.
If we have Mental Health problems we are mad people as far as the Gps think.
We are disbelieved because we look fine to them.
They either do scan and tests they come back normal and we are still unwell, doesn't make sense.
Some GPs refuse to do anything at all because they don't understand Learning Disability and Mental Health.
Whatever you say to the GPs they respond to you as if you have gone mad.
They can even mistake us look as if we are lieing.
Ok we may well guess but neither patients or GPs don't until they do the tests.30.8.2013
Good moments and bad moments.
One minute I feel happy and another minute I feel sad.
Everyday my mood changes through the day.
This happens to me whether I have reason to be happy or sad or not.
Most of the time worry about things that don't turn out to be that bad.
Some problems seem so big to me but so small to others.
People who don't have theses problems understand why I get as stressed as I do.
There many others like me I know. 30.8.2013
Enough is enough.
If only I didn't have anyone to leave behind upset.
It sounds ungrateful and selfish I know.
I am not ungrateful and selfish though.
I am a fighter i staying alive yet I get depressed very easy.
I will be honest say it feels as if life is too painful go on living at times.
Yet for all what's going on in the world these days there's nothing to live for.
As times get harder you don't have to suffer from depression to be depression life does that it's self.
The world it's self is suffering from depression like it was in the 1930s.
Depression is stressful and painful for all.
Why not let a bomb off to blow us up to heaven. 30.8.2013
I'd love to see myself as Mary Poppins.
Give me a broom stick so I can fly so high up to the sky.
Take me up to heaven for me to look down to say goodbye to earth.
In heaven I could be happy and high.
Give me a lolly pop stick so I can jump up and down from heaven to earth like a Jack in the box.
I will fly around in the sky such a high with my kite on windy days and nights.
I will swim around the sky when it rains.
Oh yes those will be the days that will never ever end.
Am I thinking about Mary Hopkins or Mary Poppins.
There used to be happy days on earth but not anymore. 30.8.2013
What is wrong?
I felt unwell for no reason.
The headaches were too much.
I wasn't even drinking much if not at all that point but I felt as if I was.
The room was moving around as if I was on drink and drugs.
I could handy open my eyes if was as if I was blind but I wasn't going into sleep.
I was fully aware of what was going on around me.
Yet I was shaking and feeling dizzy but then I was still getting around.
Was it a sheer panic attack, fit or both.
I am unknown to whether not i have taking the right medication and dose for the past twelve years Lamotrigine 25mg and 50mg.
Now the side effects are just too much I have told my GP but she still tells me to carry on taking them. 31.8.2013
Side effects in my head.
Headaches and dizziness is due to my med.
Don''t tell me that my Anxiety and depression is all in my head caused by the med.
I have always had Anxiety and depression anyway even without the med.
Feeling sleepy and drowsy but not been able to sleep doesn't make sence in my head.
Feeling clumsy on my legs and not been able to do too many things at once which I have never been able to do anyway.
Up and down to the toilet like a jack in the box with stomach upset.
Feeling irritability and the thoughts of taking my own life gets worse.
It's only the people who love me and I love are keeping me here.
Eye movements raid and uncontrolled.
Dry mouth, over tired and not been able to sleep.
Pain in back and joints. 31.8.2013
Feeling low.
Low in mood.
Feeling sad.
Low self-estream.
No get up and go.
Feeling gulity about everything as if everything is my fault for what goes wrong in the world.
Feeling irritate and intolerant towards people or is all of this in my head?
No motivation or interest in anything I am intrested in but I am trying to fight it through.
I find it hard to make decisions.
I find it hard to enjoy life whatever I do.
I find it hard to want to carry on living.
I feel anixious and worried whether I have a reason to be or not.
I keep having suicidal thoughts which I am trying to knock it on the head.
My mind is thinking 24.7.
I even keep falling out with myself in my head.
It's like everything is my fault so I tell myself off all the while. 30.8.2013
I've lost my mind.
I once had a mind which I have lost.
What are you going to tell me that that's in my head when thinks 24.7?
It's either not thinking straight, too much or very rarely not at all.
Inside me there's a feeling as if life isn't living.
I have no energy no get up and go.
Tomorrow I have to force myself to do the job I love doing which doesn't make sense.
Even writing my poetry is hard for me to keep interest in but it's my way of managing the thoughts and feelings that going through my mind. 1.9.2013
It's probley not as bad as what it seems.
May be because I am not thinking straight nothing is as bad as what it seems.
I panic too quicky because I worry too easliy.
There times I say things I don't mean cause nothing seems to make sence to me at the time when I feel I have something to about.
With Anixety people can worry whether they have a reason to or not.
Anything is easy for others to say because Anixety isn't part of them it's part of you.
The way some how someone with depression doesn't make sence too.
People tend to think that people with depression think they have all bad life that's not the case.
Depression is an condition that is hard control when feel down whether is a reason or not.
People think you are not gratful for the good things in life sadness is a feeling like happiness is a feeling.
You can't plain how you are going to feel one minute and one day to the next.
Depression is part of you like Anixety is apart of you.
You can't say when you are going to feel sad and blue.
These things happen if and when they want to. 1.9.2013
Mountain out of a mole hill.
Fear can be what you see in your mind that makes you worry before or if anything happens.
Soemtimes it turns out to be not as bad as what you worry and even fear.
It's too easy for people to misunderstand you for being ungrateful for the good things you have got.
Even people with Anixety and depression are aware that the world isn't all black and white.
Just because the world isn't all black and white it doesn't mean we haven't got theses conditions.
Just because you see smiles on our faces doesn't mean Anixety and Depression isn't in us.
It's our condition makes us the way we are but we also control it the best we can.
Thoughts of taking our live is a feeling of sadness whether we do it or not is really unknow to us.
Some of us find it hard to cope with and some of us find it hard but we just about manage it.
This is why so many of us have thoughts of taking our lives some of us think we can't cope but we still manage it better than what we thought for others it's completely too much.
Never please judge us as if we are ungrateful people.
Anixety and Depression is a painful panic, worry, fear and sadness everyday.
Sometimes we manage to show the feeling other times we don't. 1.9.2013
Winter is on it's way.
Summer has gone.
Winter is now on it's way.
It's seems a long way until summer is back again.
When the snow is here the ice seems to be there forever.
There's something about you I really like.
You seem like the perfect lover like there's no other. 1997 - 2013
You let me say what's on my mind.
I will never leave you like the others have left me.
No love for me has ever lasted like this one.
This love will last with me and you.
None of us are getting any younger.
Without your love I feel so down.
Every day and night I miss you more and more.
You are my best friend as well as my lover there is no other.
You have helped me through pain of Anxiety and depression.
Now I need your love to move me more forward. 1997 - 2013
Words keep us together.
You change my world and life everyday with your world of words.
You jump from my mind to the pen to the paper to the computer.
You are here for the rest of my life.
You are poetry.
Words are said from my mind to month to pen to paper to computer
We will never have broken hearts.
I love you like you love me.
We will always be true to one another.1997 - 2013
You are there.
You are there through my pain and happiness.
You have been there when my heart has been broken.
You don't answer me back.
You won't judge on what I say and do in my life.
I know we will always be true to one another.
I know you will always love me like I love you.
We will be always in each other's hearts.
We will never ever part.
Most of the time romance is one big joke.
With your kiss I will get my wish to get things off my mind with you poetry.
I love and miss you in my arms. 1997 - 2013
I love the sea.
I love the beach and the
sea.
The beach and the sea is
a romantic place to be.
I love the sun shining
and rising over the deep blue sea with a lovely yellow sun set.
I think it's the place
to be.
I love the yellow sand;
it's lovely to lovely make sand castles with children by the sea.
I saw the waves of
Mar-gate Sea on the beach rushing very loudly as the tide went in and out.
Even though the weather
was beautiful, sunny and the sky was blue, the waves of the sea were crashing
into the rocks and cliffs.
The seagulls were flying
very quickly as made a shrieking sound of a tone of language that we humans
don’t understand.
If only we knew what the
seagulls like all animals say to one another but then what business is it of
ours?
Is that why animals speak in a language humans
don’t understand?
So we don’t know what
they say to each other but they right away leave it to us to work out what they say
to us. 1997 – 2013
Your Choice.
My love is there for you
if you want it too.
I know how I feel about
you but it can only happen if you feel the same too.
I’m not perfect like
everyone I have my fault do you, we are all human beings.
There’s good and bad in
us all.
What I want to do to be truly
honest is bring happiness to you.
Show you a life you have
never seen before only because I love you for you.
Promises are so easy to
believe I know then many people let you down I know,
I may have my faults but
I don’t make promises I can’t keep, I have had too people do that to me and relationships
has been one of them.
I am not prepared to put
on you what I have been through before I met you.
I never want to take my
pain on you.
Trust and believe is a
hard thing I know I had that problem before I met you.
All lies and broke
promises causes you is pain.
I have believed in so
many men in my life who have let me down but now I believe in you.
Happiness is here from
me to you.
I am not going to prove
anything just to keep you but I know I have a lot of happiness to offer; only
you can decide.
I can’t force feelings
that don’t match to mine so don’t feel you have to do what you don’t to do
because I love you.
At times I may seems
tense which my faults when life gets me down, like you I get upset very easily
which can happen in different ways.
On the good side of me I
want to do what I can to make happiness a nice difference in your life because
I love you. 2.12.13
Dull moon.
I know it was a dull
start for us when we first started dating in the dull moon.
Now we must believe that
we have a bright start, underneath us must be a bright star.
Bring out the bright
stars.
Times were been hard not
chatting as much during the time you move but it will be worth the wait when
you are sorted.
I will be thinking about
and worrying about you having so much to think about.
As stressful as it is
now it will be good in the end, you are worth the wait.
New start new life for
both of us, I can’t wait but then you are worth the wait. 2.12.13
Take as much time as you want and need.
I may well miss you but
I know you need to sort yourself out for you to make a new start.
I know you are worth
waiting for. 2.12.13
What has been my life about?
Feelings have been
unknown for reasons why I have fallen for the men who I have loved who weren’t
right for me.
Now it doesn’t make
sense to make why I felt like I felt.
I thought at the time
they were right for me.
If only I knew what they
were going to put me thorough.
I made my mistakes and I
was in the wrong.
We are only human but
depends how many mistakes made and reasons behind them.
At the time the world
around you is blind, everyone else can see what you can’t.
Everyone is right, you
are wrong you don’t know it at the time.
You think you know it
all but you don’t, life is so unknown.
It’s just a matter of
any length of time before realize you were wrong and they were right.
Yet a time will come you
will love a person who is right for you, that’s what we all like to believe.
Some of us are lucky
others aren't to love the person who is right for them.
Everyone’s turn will
happen one day to love the person who is right for them.
The world around us is
so unknown.
It’s all a never ending
circle asking yourself if you will love the love right for you.
We all say there’s
someone out there for someone but is there?
May there is but not for
everyone but then there is for everyone.
Is she right for him?
Is he right for her?
2.12.13
We
love each other for each other.
Nothing can change how I
feel about you.
I love you for you.
I have so much respect
for you.
This is love between me
and you.
This love can live with
or without sex; loving one another is the main thing.
In time you’re moving
will keep you busy, I may not be chatting to you a lot but I won’t be alone
when my mind is non stop thinking about you.
All the same at the same
time I have other parts of my life, my career, work, study, computer, Kindle, I
will send texts to you and write poetry about you. 2.12.13
Take me as I come or not at all.
Nothing is straight forward in this life for anyone.
No one can do anything right all the while, there's no perfect world.
The world would be boring if it was perfect and right so would people.
Life is full off ups and downs good and bad.
For what I have been through like a lot of people I have had to stay strong .
When I have a lot of things on my mind I don't feel very strong then things can seem worse to me than what they really are.
I mainly say things what I don't mean then I regret which is my worse fault of all which takes one to admit.
This can be due to my Anxiety but the no excuse at all shamely on mean words can just slip without me thinking, mainly when I am not thinking straight.
Despite of all my faults I am honest to admit them.
I will be honest to say when I love someone and I believe they love me like me and you I do what it takes to keep us together.
So many men have given up on me because I have been too soft on them but then it's taught me that I can't force someone to stay with me if they don't want to, now that someone is you.
I don't know how and why there's a feeling deep down side of me this time love is to be for you and me.
If our love is not to be when will I ever learn, will I ever get it right?
There's a feeling deep down inside that I have finely met the person who won't give on me like the others have and I won't give up on you either but take me as I am or not at all.
The choice is yours I won't give up on you if you don't give up me. 2.12.13
Think about what I said.
I know you have got a lot on the your mind right now but your future is still there with me if you want it to be.
Nothing ever be straight forward I know, it's impossible to be human and have magic wands.
There will be times that seem tense but we both know that stress gets to us easy.
I will do everything I can to give you happiness but most of the time we have to work hard to get there which can take a lot of time,
I believe I can make a big happy diffence to your life because that's what I want to do.
I know you know there are others like yourself who won't get the chances to have an equal life as they possibly can.
For me being with you isn't out of pity but it is out of love.
I believe I can make you happy so now only you can believe it too.
Think about it and take it if you want and you believe I am right. 2.12.13
Nothing is straight forward in this life for anyone.
No one can do anything right all the while, there's no perfect world.
The world would be boring if it was perfect and right so would people.
Life is full off ups and downs good and bad.
For what I have been through like a lot of people I have had to stay strong .
When I have a lot of things on my mind I don't feel very strong then things can seem worse to me than what they really are.
I mainly say things what I don't mean then I regret which is my worse fault of all which takes one to admit.
This can be due to my Anxiety but the no excuse at all shamely on mean words can just slip without me thinking, mainly when I am not thinking straight.
Despite of all my faults I am honest to admit them.
I will be honest to say when I love someone and I believe they love me like me and you I do what it takes to keep us together.
So many men have given up on me because I have been too soft on them but then it's taught me that I can't force someone to stay with me if they don't want to, now that someone is you.
I don't know how and why there's a feeling deep down side of me this time love is to be for you and me.
If our love is not to be when will I ever learn, will I ever get it right?
There's a feeling deep down inside that I have finely met the person who won't give on me like the others have and I won't give up on you either but take me as I am or not at all.
The choice is yours I won't give up on you if you don't give up me. 2.12.13
Think about what I said.
I know you have got a lot on the your mind right now but your future is still there with me if you want it to be.
Nothing ever be straight forward I know, it's impossible to be human and have magic wands.
There will be times that seem tense but we both know that stress gets to us easy.
I will do everything I can to give you happiness but most of the time we have to work hard to get there which can take a lot of time,
I believe I can make a big happy diffence to your life because that's what I want to do.
I know you know there are others like yourself who won't get the chances to have an equal life as they possibly can.
For me being with you isn't out of pity but it is out of love.
I believe I can make you happy so now only you can believe it too.
Think about it and take it if you want and you believe I am right. 2.12.13
Where have you been all my life?
How my life has changed for the better since I have been with you.
I believe it can't get anymore better but it can't get worse.
Any change will be for the better.
Don't get me wrong I can never let you go now that I have got you.
I would never wish for a better man in my life than you.
I don't want to change a thing so you have no way of losing me unless you let me go yourself.
I believe nothing can get better than what it is between us.
Nothing can get worse I would be such a foal to let it go.
Nothing anyone in this life is perfect or straight forwards the same goes for us but we are strong.
We may have our ups and downs together but we never give up on each other.
This life is so new to me, although I have had past relationships I am not used to being treated so good like I am by you now,
All the same I am not prepared to let the life I have with you go, my love for you is far too strong to let you go.
My problem is that I am not used to be being treated so good but I am not letting you go either.
I love you far too much.
Being treated so good is a new experience for me but no way do I want to have the old life I used to have, why would I be so foolish to do that? 6.12.2013
you make my life better.
No matter what the weather is like you make my life better.
Whether other parts of of my life are good, bad , happy or sad you make it better every time.
I miss you all the time you are non stop on my mind all the time. 6.12.2013
You have turned my life around.
I am sure I have done right falling for you babe.
If only I knew the reason why but there doesn't need to be a reason why I love you.
Somehow someway the feeling I feel towards you feel right between us.
If only I knew why, what does it matter I love you so much?
Your non stop on my mind.
Time doesn't seem to stop my mind. 6.12.2013
Life couldn't be better with you.
Life couldn't be better with you babe.
Nothing seems to be the same without you.
Life is a lot better than I ever excepted with you.
Whatever happens happens but don't spoil me too much!
Being treated so good by man as loving as you takes quite a bit of getting use to.
I know I have been hurt in the past and I don't want it again but better I was excepting but this to me is better than better.
You can't make me any happier babe but I would never refuse.
What I don't get I don't ask but what and if I get I am so happy to have. 6.12.2012
How my life has changed for the better since I have been with you.
I believe it can't get anymore better but it can't get worse.
Any change will be for the better.
Don't get me wrong I can never let you go now that I have got you.
I would never wish for a better man in my life than you.
I don't want to change a thing so you have no way of losing me unless you let me go yourself.
I believe nothing can get better than what it is between us.
Nothing can get worse I would be such a foal to let it go.
Nothing anyone in this life is perfect or straight forwards the same goes for us but we are strong.
We may have our ups and downs together but we never give up on each other.
This life is so new to me, although I have had past relationships I am not used to being treated so good like I am by you now,
All the same I am not prepared to let the life I have with you go, my love for you is far too strong to let you go.
My problem is that I am not used to be being treated so good but I am not letting you go either.
I love you far too much.
Being treated so good is a new experience for me but no way do I want to have the old life I used to have, why would I be so foolish to do that? 6.12.2013
you make my life better.
No matter what the weather is like you make my life better.
Whether other parts of of my life are good, bad , happy or sad you make it better every time.
I miss you all the time you are non stop on my mind all the time. 6.12.2013
You have turned my life around.
I am sure I have done right falling for you babe.
If only I knew the reason why but there doesn't need to be a reason why I love you.
Somehow someway the feeling I feel towards you feel right between us.
If only I knew why, what does it matter I love you so much?
Your non stop on my mind.
Time doesn't seem to stop my mind. 6.12.2013
Life couldn't be better with you.
Life couldn't be better with you babe.
Nothing seems to be the same without you.
Life is a lot better than I ever excepted with you.
Whatever happens happens but don't spoil me too much!
Being treated so good by man as loving as you takes quite a bit of getting use to.
I know I have been hurt in the past and I don't want it again but better I was excepting but this to me is better than better.
You can't make me any happier babe but I would never refuse.
What I don't get I don't ask but what and if I get I am so happy to have. 6.12.2012
I don't care what people say and think.
I don't care what people think and say.
They can think and or say what they want about us.
Just let them talk.
Just let them think.
Just let them give us strange looks as we walk hand in hand.
Disabitlies, speech problems and even looks they don't understand.
I love you so much, does there need to be a reason why I feel the way I do?
As it happens I just happen to feel the way I do, there should be no shame in me loving you.
Why should we feel ruled by people, it's lives if we feel for ech other in the way we do.
People can think and say what they want.
I don't care about their thoughts because I love and care about you.
Let them talk.
Let them think.
We feel about each other the way we do, there's nothing we could do if we wanted to.
We wouldn't want to change our feelings for each other either.
There's nothing they can do to stop us from loving one another.
Neither of us can help our feelings for one another.
We couldn't block one another's feelings if we wanted to.
We don't want to block each other's feelings out, we just want to carry on loving one another. 6.12.2013
I don't care what people think and say.
They can think and or say what they want about us.
Just let them talk.
Just let them think.
Just let them give us strange looks as we walk hand in hand.
Disabitlies, speech problems and even looks they don't understand.
I love you so much, does there need to be a reason why I feel the way I do?
As it happens I just happen to feel the way I do, there should be no shame in me loving you.
Why should we feel ruled by people, it's lives if we feel for ech other in the way we do.
People can think and say what they want.
I don't care about their thoughts because I love and care about you.
Let them talk.
Let them think.
We feel about each other the way we do, there's nothing we could do if we wanted to.
We wouldn't want to change our feelings for each other either.
There's nothing they can do to stop us from loving one another.
Neither of us can help our feelings for one another.
We couldn't block one another's feelings if we wanted to.
We don't want to block each other's feelings out, we just want to carry on loving one another. 6.12.2013
What was I thinking?
Why did I let you be part of my life?
What a big mistake that was.
What was I thinking and what did I see in a man with your state of mind?
Why did I spend too much time with you?
I only thought I loved you little did I know you were going to treat me so bad.
Everyone saw what was going on but I was so in love and blind.
Even though I have moved on in my life and I feel nothing for you the pain is still there to bare.
Even now I can't get rid of the painful past we had together even though we don't see each other anymore.
I don't know why I am writing about you, you have never seemed to care about me as much as I did about you, then you made out you wanted me when I have been in love with someone else.
In the end I walked away when I released I wasn't wanted.
Everything with you is just pretend and mind games mainly when you have been drinking.
Last time you saw me I wondered what I ever saw in you.
I must have been out of my mind.
I must have been so thick to put up with you 13 and half years on and off.
I was so in love I was too blind to see so I thought.
How foolish was I to let you treat me as bad as you did as if it wasn't real, your not real. 6.12.2013
I'm real your not.
I'm real, I'm more than real than you will ever be.
I'm a living human being.
You must have no feelings to hurt mine.
If only you felt the same as me, you wouldn't have hurt me if you did.
I don't even believe I knew you I must have dream t you then you became my nightmare.
Are you out of your mind?
I must have been out of my mind to have gone with you, like I said you were just in my mind.
Why did you hurt me knowing I loved you so much?
Oh I forgot your not real, I didn't know you and I didn't meet you.
It's always been in my mind.
You treated me as if I wasn't real.
You played mind games with my head.
You never knew whether you loved me or not,
Was it because you were drunk, was it you all along?
I even now I don't know I feel so thick and blind.
You never seemed to know what you wanted in life but I know now all along you didn't want me.
You just loved to play with my mind.
What a foal I was to let you play with my mind.
I was also enough to give you so much time.
When I saw you after 12 mouths you looked in a bad state of mind.
You said hello but you never said goodbye so why did you speak to me at all?
We just happened to see each other by the same bus stop, there was no getting away until we were both off the bus.
It was through you I thought I lost my ring off the person who I love now.6.12.2013
I was never real.
Fancy see you after roughly 12 mouths.
Why decide to get help for your drinking now?
Why didn't you try to help yourself when were seeing me?
Were you so drunk and blind not to see that I loved you so therefore you treated me like dirt?
I was never real to fall for you in the first place but still I won't be the first and I won't be the last.
Isn't it strange that you dumped me yet you were the one that was drinking so heavy.
I guess you may blame me for driving you to drink, may be I did without realizing it.
How I got myself involved with you I will never know, I can only think that I fell foolishly fell in love with you.
I must have been out of my mind at that time to fall for a man with such a poor state of mind. 6.12.13 - 7.12.2013
I was never real.
Fancy see you after roughly 12 mouths.
Why decide to get help for your drinking now?
Why didn't you try to help yourself when were seeing me?
Were you so drunk and blind not to see that I loved you so therefore you treated me like dirt?
I was never real to fall for you in the first place but still I won't be the first and I won't be the last.
Isn't it strange that you dumped me yet you were the one that was drinking so heavy.
I guess you may blame me for driving you to drink, may be I did without realizing it.
How I got myself involved with you I will never know, I can only think that I fell foolishly fell in love with you.
I must have been out of my mind at that time to fall for a man with such a poor state of mind. 6.12.13 - 7.12.2013
The beach.
I saw the waves of Mar-gate sea rushing very loudly as the tide went in and out.
Even when the weather was beautiful, sunny and the sky was blue, it was blowing hot and cool breeze as the sea crashed into cliffs and rocks.
The seagulls were flying shrieking very quickly as the sun and breeze change from hot to cold.
The seagulls were making a very angrily nose as children shouting, screaming, laughing and crying as they were building sandcastles in the sands.
The rides were too fast on the dreamland fair grounds, which felt like been on a roller coaster.
Never eat candy floss before a ride as you may feel dizzy and sick.
The smell of fish and chips you couldn't miss. 7.12.2013
I carried on far too long.
I carried on far too long I was in love far too long, which is my regret.
I should have seen you on the your bike sooner than I.
Even now I don't believe how I felt about you but now it's you loss and it's my gain.
It seems as if your life has been a loss since I have been out your life and even before then.
Losing your Mum, me then your job.
To think I once loved you so much, you hurt me so much that in the end I felt myself breaking in half.
No I didn't break in half because I am still on this earth to live my life in other ways as well as love.
I when you dumped me I felt as if I was weak but then I was strong.
I thought my life was the end when I lost you but it was the beginning of meeting someone new a lot better than you. 7.6.2013
Can't alway be right.
If only I knew then what I know now.
I have finely seen the light at the end of the tunnel and the wood between the trees.
I know I have to tell myself I am only human and I am not a lone to have made mistakes.
Time to stop kicking myself up the backside for the mistakes I have made, it's so dam easy to blame yourself for mistakes other people have made to.
May be 2014 should be the year I should move from the mistakes I have made.
When you realise what you have done to others and yourself you punish yourself for life.
Some how somwe way it all seems worse than it propley is.
It's hard to accept nothing in time life is straight forward.
Many of us tell ourselves off for what we think in our minds.
It's like nothing turns out to what you hope but that's life.
Many would say it's all just a dream and it's all in the mind, what does it say for time?
Many of the hopes you have just seems to be a dream turning into a nightmare.
Many mistakes we made didn't they were dreams that feel real that just turned into nightmares.
You can create the future but not change the past.
You can't put right what did wrong but you just don't do again.
It's far easy to blame yourself something your not to or only partly to blame.
Your human you can't do everything right then you can't do everything wrong.
You wouldn't make mistakes if you weren't human but as you are human you do.
Anyone who says they don't make mistakes are liers.
Stop blaming yourself and move on even if you are to blame.
You are not alone in the world and you are not alone to be wrong.
Move on and try again, again, again, again, again until you finely get it right.
I know everyone can see what you can't see that has been like me but you will see in the end. 7.6.2013
Mirror on the wall.
This house is and had it's day the doors coming off it's hings, movements happen whether it's a windy day or not.
Everything is falling off the shelves, services and dressing tablets without any reasons or and warnings.
Someone whose not here is here there's nothing and no one to move about but moving around is going on, how odd can this be?
Everything is moving when it's not, I'm thinking this place is haunted.
I hear a smash for no reason or warning as the mirror falls off the wall.
This wouldn't bring me seven years bad luck would it as the mirror fell off the wall on it's own, as it smashes? 7.6.2013
You should never have left me.
You said you'd never leave me again but you lied.
I should never have believe your lies.
You promised me the earth I never got it but not that I excepted it but why did you have to promise and lie?
I can't believe I let you mess up my head for 13 and a half years on and off.
It was my silly fault for taking you back if only I didn't love you so much.
Thank goodness I don't feel a thing for you anymore even though you still haunt my mind.
Never mind it was a last chance that you did blew it in seven years, even though I shouldn't have took you back at the time I did tell you it was your last chance, what a loser you am. 7.12.13
Time to look forward not back.
our time together will be like fire.
Our love burns up like two pices of wood on a fire.
No stop in us once we start.
Every night I lye on my pillow wondering when I will see you next.
I wake up in the in the morning it's all become a dream that's all in my head.
In time I will put my head on your shoulder then we get closer and closer.
I know I find it hard to explain myself in a way that a lot of people understand.
My words aren't in talent and poems just any old words coming out my head, I just say the words that my head thinks. 7.12.2013
Life is too much to bare.
In one we learned the hard way but in other way we learned the easy way.
The same goes in today's world.
Life is made easy and hard with IT meaning computers, mobile phones and etc.
Life becomes a hard nightmare when you ring places up and it says on an answer press this for that and that for this.
Back in the day we did't know what a mobile was, we never thought twice to complain about walking miles to the nearest red telephone boxes, which were either broken or you waited ages in a quince.
There was always something great on telly and social lives were great too now the telly is rubbish and the pubs are dead.
There are advantages and disadvantages about today and yesterday's generation which is mostly on the internet.
There was so much hidden that we know now today but not everything that goes on that we know about today's world.
How in my life time I have seen things changed so much so have many of you who were born before and after me.
How I think I \can cope without or should I say I used to be able to cope with the way life was yet now I am lost without what I didn't have all those years ago. 16.10.2013
I can't work him out.
My Father has always been a very strange man.
He's never really been a man anyone knows.
This is because he has a very strange look out on life.
I know he loves me but I don't think he knows how to be a Father.
I know he knows what the truth is but then the truth hurts him.
The world is unknown before you come into it.
No one can chose anything before they get there and even we have no choice when we are there.
Most of all we can't chose who we are born to. 19.12.2013
How can you say?
How can you say that love isn't to say your sorry when we are human, we can't do right all the while.
We can't please the people we love all the while or and the people we think we love.
We are not made to be perfect, we can't do everything right all the while, as good as it would be how boring would it be?
No one can do right all the while: there's only so much wrong we can do.
All the same where would I be without you now with my head in the clouds?
Back in 1978 I saw my Mother and Aunty crying and laughing at the same time with tears coming down their eyes watching the film ' Love Story'.
I didn't understand why or what was going on at the age of eight as I put the toilet roll on the coffee table.
" Here you are you mad pair."
Yet I had a music jewel box with the ' Love Story' tune I played again and again.
Many years later I brought the box from the library " Love Story" by Erich Seal.
I not that I remember so I must read the book again. 23,12.2013
Time to move on to the next chapter in life.
You can only love so much.
You can only forgive so much.
Yet most relationships only last so long many last too long.
There again some of us are luckier than others.
Some happen shorter others happen longer.
Others don't love at all.
It's all luck of the draw that's all.
Just like health and the way we live is luck of the draw. 23.12.2013
I may well be 100.00 younger more or less.
At the age of twenty - seven I thought I lost a love but in the end he lost me.
This broken love hurt me more than it should have done.
In a different generation I was hurt in the same way you was.
Yet you inspired me to get by in poetry, I believe I wouldn't have got through this depression without you and many other poets who inspired me like you did.
Just by walking along the college library, I picked up your book not been aware what to except.
Despite of being a writer I have been much of a reader but you inspired me so much because what you had been through wasn't much different to what I was going through at the time.
Despite of having a nervous break down at the time over the love I thought I lost, I still managed to get through my college as a English student.
If only you could have lived to see the light at the end of the tunnel just like I did in the end.
Yet you left me such talent to full back on without even knowing it as a poet.
You taught me so much about your short life just what put in your books.
It's not a nice thing to say because it's so sad you died so young, at first I thought your broken realtionship had a lot to do with your death but I was so wrong.
You were broken hearted but sadly didn't live long enough to see away forward. 24. 12.2013
