Temple Grandin

Like a lot of people with Autism and other disabilities it's so easy to feel alone in the world when we are not.
We must open our eyes to a voice of who has lived in a world of Autism and Anxiety longer than many of us. The great thing about learning disability awareness and Self - Advocacy is that the older generation can give the younger generation confidence in ones life and believe in one's self. Here's a fine example. I thought I was alone until my Mother told me about this young lady whose older than me.then opened my eyes to know that I'm not alone.

Temple Grandin was on the 29th August 1947 Boston Massachuett American. Her parents names are Richard Grandin and Eustacia Cutter.

Temple was diagnosed with Autism at the age of four in 1951, which was when she started talking. Although Temple could say a few vocabulary words when she was eighteen mouths to two years old. At the time she was labelled with brain damage. Temple's Mother spoke to a doctor who suggested Speech therapy.

She was sent to a Nursley school, which Temple remembers the teachers to be very good to her.

Temple counted herself lucky to have had supportive mentors when she was in Primary school.

Temple was very unhappy in middle and high school because she was bullied and teased.

After graduating at Hampshire Country boarding school, which was for children who are gifted, she did her bachelors's degree in Psychology in 1966.

Temple always had a great interest in animal cattle such as cows and pigs, which calm her down through her Anxiety. She's involved in animal Welfare.

She did her master degree in animal science Arizona State University in 1975.

In 1989 she did a doctortal degree in animal science at University of Llinot at Urbana - Champaign.

Temple recieved a honory doctorate degree from Ontario Veterinary college, University of Guelph, Canada at the 2012 winter convocation; this where she was the keynote speaker.

16th May 2010, Temple recieved an honory Doctorate of Humane Letters from Duke University.

I like Temple Grandin because she has a great understanding of Autism and Anxiety. She has first hand experince like I do. We speak up for the rights of learning disabilitiy.

I like the way she copes with her learning disabilites. Animals help her with her Anxiety. Otherwise she'd feel threatened by the rest of the world around her, which is no different to my learning disability.

What is Dyspraxia?

Dyspraxia is a hard disability and mental problem to explain and understand. Many people have already lived  
with Dyspraxia our lives being misunderstood and being told that we are a danger to society. The world understands that the world can know everything right away. No one is blaming anyone but if Dyspraxia was understood many years, we may have had the right support and may not have been classed health hazards and useless people. This disability has caused us to be made to feel guilty for things we can't help and also caused us be hated by the world. We understand it's understandable in one way for the health and safety of others but not the fault on purpose of the people who have the disabilities. The awareness is good but all very well to raise when there's not the money in the world to support it. One thing is raising understanding of Dyspraxia so we can be at least understood for what our disability is about.

Dyspraxia is when people are unaware of the world around them. It's too easy to not look where your going, bang into things and people around you. People with Dyspraxia can find pyscial and mental skills hard. Dyspraxia  is mostly misunderstood as been a danger to society, which you are but with the right support you can get by in life.
 The reason for Dyspraxia being misunderstood is because it's a hidden disability. Yet with Dyspraxia being a lot to do with the body and brain, even though it's hidden because people can walk and talk it's more major than those disabilities who need 24 hour care in everything. Advantage is that people with Dyspraxia  have the ability though to ask for help if we need it. There's just a wide circle of skills we find hard. The cause of being misunderstood is the fact we can walk and talk so people think we can manage our lives the same as them. Dyspraxia is a Motor skills and co -ordation disability but it is also can be a reading and writing disability not much different to dyslexicia.

For eg; a baby may find it hard to roll over, take longer to stand up and balance, walking, climbing, slower to talk and be understood.

Exercise may be harder to access, some people may only manage swimming, exercise or and even horse riding. Some people may not manage to ride a real bike. Some people may find it hard to hop, jump, run fast and even skip. Some people may find it hard to throw and catch a ball. Some people may find it hard to stand for a long time.

 Children may be slower to walk up and down stairs safety without support. There are some stairs even adults and teenagers may not be able to manage without support. Some stairs can be harder for some people to manage than others. Some people find it hard to dress, tie shoe laces and etc.

 For most of us it can affect our lives with not being able to drive a car and not being able to have children because of carrying and lifting. As time goes on support get's better in some ways but not in others. On the other hands with the cuts the government is making it's hard to say what the future is.

Other examples

• Doing jigsaws
• Gripping pencils
• Playing games
• Mixing with people
• communicating 
• Reading
• Writing
• Emotional problems
• Poor short term memory
• Using a knife and fork
• Carrying hot drinks in the left hand or and you may be only able to carry one hot drink at a time.
• Personnel care for eg; cleaning teeth, washing hair, shaving, cutting toe nails and etc.
• Emptying the hoover and putting it back together again.
• Finding it hard to understand people and make friends.
• Poor vision
• Sensitive to light
• Sensitive to nose
• Sensitive to touch
• Sensitive to taste
• Lack of awareness in body positive, space and spatial relationships.
• Hard to take in information.
• Hard to keep tidy.
• Cooking for eg; carrying heavy joints out of the oven, chopping up and straining veg.
• Hard to learn sounds, movements and prove reading.
• Hard to concentrate on too many things at once.
• Slow to do a job and finish it.
• Day dream be in a world of our own.
• Find hard to listen people in groups and take in what they say.
• Finding hard to understand people and be understood by them. 
•  Change can take a while to get use to whether it's good or bad.
• Good and bad days for eg; something we managed great yesterday we are coping really bad today.
• Some skills we just never manage but others we manage for life.
• We may get frustrated and angry easy.
• We just might give up if people give up on us too easy.
• We may be stressed and anxious easy.
• We may feel low in our self esteem. 
• We may get upset easy.

Other awarenesses of the disability.
Some people with Dyspraxia have flat feet but I also have wide feet. I have really bad problems getting shoes to fit me. Some people even find it hard to type and grip the mouse on a computer. My problem can be I type so fast I don't notice my spelling mistakes and the words I have missed out of sentences. Some people find it hard to plan things. Some of us have poor relocating cannot look quickly and effectively from one object to other, looking from the television to magazine.

Although there seems be a lot of things that we find hard, there are some things that get better through our lives. I still remember as a child finding it hard for a lot years cutting meat up with a knife and fork. In some cases, if someone is on some medications the side effects can make life even more harder for them. If you have a lot of problems with hands, some medications can make than worse, which make some people shake.  Not everyone finds the same things hard and not everyone finds the same things easy. I even find with some things I just have good days and bad. Strangely in some things there are some weaknesses that can turn into confidences because with this being a life time disability you become used to what you can and can't cope. The fact that we are keen, willing people because we find so many things hard we don't give up until we achieve what we want to. Sometimes though society gives up on us. To start with it may seem hard to believe that there are positives in Dyspraxia but it's takes a long time to believe in that, your disability and most of all yourself. You can  find so many things hard yet it's to believe the bad as well as the good because you don't appear to strangers to have disabilities.

Our lives aren't all black and white there are positives about us yet some are from the things we do find hard.

• Some things that we may see different to other people can be right.
• We find it easy to get along with people if they understand us and we understand them.
• People need to give themselves time and us time to get to know one another.
• We can be carrying people who need support as much or if not more than us.
• We have powerful and creative imagination in our day dreams.
• We are very keen learners despite of finding learning hard, nothing stops us.
• We have good long term memories.
• We can create for eg; creative writing art painting and drawing. 

The causes of Dyspraxia.

As far as I know Dyspraxia is cause by lack of orgxen to the brain at birth or when a baby is born too early. I think this can be linked to epilepsy or and a stroke. I think are many other causes of Dyspraxia.


Different forms of Dyspraxia.

It sounds as if the world has a lot to learn about Dyspraxia, which is hardy surprising as it's a hard disability to understand and explain. Just because I am Dyspraxia, doesn't mean I know everything about it. In my respects the world knows more than me. What I do know is how it has affected my life. I am glad to say now it has opened up now. There may have been thousands of children in my school, I would have been aware but I doubt it. I know what it's like to to feel so alone even though you are more than likely not. Bullying never seems to stop because you look and or seem different to other children. Even by adults your so misunderstood  because quite rightly even adult expects to see a normal child, whatever normal is at the end of the day. Putting yourself in the shoes of parents, life can be a jigasaw puzzle for them when their child is slow at learning or and they know what their disabilities and health problems are.

Movements are to do with Motor skills, Co-ordation and balance. For eg; opening a tin with a can opener.
Language is speech how we sound, make ourselves understood and misunderstood mostly the cases are.
Perception is Understanding and or misunderstanding others, messages, world around us and etc.
It's more likely possible to have all of those forms of Dyspraxia as I have found all those things hard through my life. Having said that when you have a good many other disabilities it can be hard to say what causes what. For eg; I could either Aperger Syndrome or and ADHD, Dyslexia, Epiespy as well as Dyspraxia. could have one form of Dyspraxia, two or all three. I know what I read about Dyspraxia sounds like me.

Sometimes when I am speaking I find it hard to sallow when I speak therefore no understands me. I have always had problems with my tongue, teeth and lips which goes very dry as skin becomes loose. Even though I feed myself, I'm still very messy eater. As a very small child I found very hard grip a knife and fork I think food used to go everywhere other than my mouth over the floor everywhere, although I don't see how I've always loved my food too much and ate too much.

Some words I may say may not come out correct but may not be far off, otherwise I'm well misunderstood. Sometimes I may talk too quiet in case I don't sound like how I want to sound like. Yet when I am sure of myself it works opposite I can be too loud.     

Some famous people with Dyspraxia.

Daniel Radcliffle who plays Harry Potter, David Bailey who takes pictures, Florence Welch, Hannah McDonnell actor, Helen Burns character out of Jane Eyre, Samuel Taylor Coleridge poet, CK Chestern, Ern  est Hemingway, Jack Kerouac, and George Orwell writer.

Up dating a five year diary.

I stopped writing my diaries back 2007 when my Grandmother died and my last relationship broke up on the same year. The great thing was that I had a new job that kept me very busy, which was Royal Wolverhampton Mencap as a Self Advocacy worker for Our Shout and Learning Disability Awareness trainer. With my Grandmother's death and the break up of my ex boyfriend I don't know what I would have done without Mencap and Our Shout. 2007 was a strange year looking back there were good and bad things happening at once. My ex boyfriend me breaking up was a good thing in the end but I will never stop missing my Grandmother. Before May 2011, work was coming in like anything, my diary was full and meetings were clashing. Ever since May 2011, not a lot of work at all through the cut backs. It started off that I lost my small business Access All Areas Now! Mencap supported me and someone else with learning disabilities to have, which only lasted 12 mouths due to the cuts.

From last Christmas I started to to get myself on courses to try and get me back to work, which is now still going on. Before then I was just going into depression and receiving counselling. Now I am starting to look on the positive side by doing Self Advocacy and Learning Disability awareness non paid for Wolverhampton, which is for women who have faced abuse one way or the other. As a person with disabilities whose faced crime, it's not much different when abuse is one of the crimes I have faced. Crime is hard for all people, we all need emotion support but people disabilities and health problems even more so mainly when you have Anxiety and depression without anything to be upset about. Like I said in my last blog unless you face these things yourself it's hard to understand and believe.

What has happened in the last five years? Not a lot really other than trying to get some admin experience, I haven't been able to get Admin experience other than a placement that only lasted 3 mouths but that was long before 5 years ago. I need this for my Self Advocacy and Learning Disability Awareness so I can type my own training packages and plan my sessions. I haven't long passed my Entry Level ITQ computer course and I am now working on Level one.

In  the past 12 mouths or so the government has cut back on things deeper and deeper. When thing about it's always been there. I even heard as a child on the news someone saying the richer are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. It's hard to say whether yesterday was harder than today or today is harder than
yesterday. There again we should be happy with what we have got the world isn't all black and white. Nothing can be good all the while nothing be bad all the while. It would be a boring world if it was all the same.

Minds need to keep busy

 Keep the mind busy.

Never do nothing.
Boredom effects the mind.
Boredom makes you feel sad.
There's never any reason to do nothing.
Despite of the country going down money wise not everything costs in life, even though we don't enough to pay for what the country costs.
We must be thankful for what we have got.
I know some of us have less than others but that's life.
One way or another we are all in the same boat.
Money help but it's not all there is to life.
Life would be boring if it was all the same.
We would be too spoil and greedy if we all had our way.
There would be nothing left in the world then we'd be even more sad.
People who want everything all the time are boring and sad people.
People who want something for nothing need to get a life when there are people who loved to work but have good reasons not to.
Be happy for the good things accept the bad things.
Life is what you make it, only you can make bad into good.
If you wait you will get more. 26.4.2012 - 18.6.2012


 Guilt and regret.

 I just prepared myself for the worst.
 What I regret is you having to see and hear my row with him.
I didn't want to creative a row, I know it wasn't nice but I felt I had to speak my mind, I had no other way of telling him.
As weeks would have went on I would have felt even more tense been in his company, this wouldn't have been fare on you and anyone else so I thought I say what I was going to say and not come again.
As much as you and I may miss one another, I though it was far better I stopped going there rather than things getting worse because of me not liking him.
Some people I can accept, if I don't like them depending on what I don't like about them. 
He one of the very few people I can't stand sitting in the same room with, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything to him.
To me he has such a dry sense of humour but sorry may be it's just me. 
I understand that it's cause us to see even less of one another but I haven't given up on you and me.
I'm so glad that you haven't given up on you and me either.
 I will look forward to our time together whenever it will be.
 Even if I just see you around for a chat, however short or long amount of time is good enough for me.
It's not just all about me it's about how you feel too.
 Missing you may be painful but thinking about you is happiness.
 No matter what happens I'm hear to stay, no matter how life is or will be or and may be.
Even though I don't see a lot of you, loving feelings and thoughts inside me won't go away.

 Thank you for been there for me whenever you can.
 I hope you feel the same way about me too. 
 To prove how much I loved you, I will carry on accepting whatever life is.
 If I had stopped coming without telling you a reason, you may have thought I have gone off with another man.
I love you far too much to love anyone else.  16.5.2012 - 18.6.2012



 You give me happiness.

 You give me happiness.
 You give me light.
You brighten up my day and night when you turn on the light.
 Time seemed like forever until I see you again.18.5.2012 - 18.6.2012



 No greater feeling than love.

 When your happy in love you forget sadness.
 Too much love can be so happy that it can turn into sadness.
 To know I have you the sun always sun shine.
When I don't see you the sun isn't bright enough.
 It always rains without you. 18.5.2012 - 18.6.2012

  

 I thought you'd gone for good.

 I was so surprised to see you that night.
You made my light.
How wrong was I to think your feelings had changed towards me because of him.
Please forgive for worrying too much it's part of my disabilities and health problems.
I am glad to know that you still feel the same as I do.
I never thought you'd speak to me again let alone love me again.
I miss you so much but hopefully I will see you next time. 2.6.2012 - 18.6.2012


 Looking in the mirror, what do I see?

 When times are hard you seem to think they won't get easy but if you give it time some things will others won't.
 Not everything can be the same.
 You mustn't feel alone because you are not others go through not much different if not the same.
 No one can tell you other than you how you think and feel.
 They are so right you are so wrong but that's not always the case, there's a slim chance you could be right they could be wrong. 
 They know it all because they have all been there before.
 The truth is unknown, the whole world is blind.
The truth hurts when that's how you don't want to see your life but if you accept something else will turn out better than what you had in the first place.
  Feelings and thoughts are hard to control when you want something or someone.
No matter how wrong it may be you can't move until those feelings and thought have, the only way is to let go if you start see it that it isn't right, which the hardest.
It won't get better if it's not working.
 I never knew Keats was a poet.
 I had never heard of Keats before.
 I never knew his heart was broken just like mine but in a different time.
 I never knew he'd inspire me to be a poet. I was stronger than I thought. I coped with exams, stress, studying and depression.
 As a twenty - seven year old English student I walked along the college library.
 What did I see? All I I saw was Keats on a cover of a book looking how I felt at the time.
 I read his poetry of broken love, which inspired me because he faced near enough the same as me.
 I never knew he wrote about his feelings at that time.
 When I look at the picture of him it was as if I saw myself in the mirror.
 Until I read his work I had no idea that we had a poetry talent between us.
 I was totally unaware what book I was picking up and what to except inside it.
 Both of us lived in different times.
 I never knew he shared the same subject as me, romance and broken romance.
 That's when I knew I wasn't alone. He died of a broken heart,
 I didn't but I once thought I was going to. If he hadn't of inspired me,
 I believe my talent would have been unknown.
Ode To A Nightingale' is my best poem by John Keats. 21.5.2012

 It was a dark time.

 Back in October 1996 - August 1997 I drank heavy.
 Every time I drank I thought my problems would go away.
 Problems were still there the next day.
 I thought my loneliness would be there day after day for the rest of my life. I felt as if life wasn't worth living. I couldn't see the wood through the trees.
 Near enough twelve months of sadness seemed like a life time for me.
One bright side of John Keats he inspired me to write. John Keats work was the first poetry I came across in 1997 at the age of 27. 21.5.2012

Wake up.
Wake up, life would be boring there was happiest every morning.
Good and bad things can happen without a warning.
Do not dream, wish and hear things that don't happen.
You can't have your own way everyday.
The truth is how it is whether you want to hear it or not. 13.8.2012 - 17.8.2012

Dyspraxia
I could never do up my buttons.
I could never do up my laces.
I could never clean my teeth how they should be cleaned.
My moth is too small with too many teeth, food just get's everywhere it always has but I love it.
Exercise is hard to access when you have Dyspraxia.
I can't catch or throw a ball.
I couldn't even open a tin with a tin opener but then I discovered how to use the old fashioned tin openers after.
I love going to the pub, I'm useless with money then I over spend.
I have never been very good at maths.
I am more could with English and words but I even get confused there because of my Dyslexicia.
In a poem I can express my disabilities in a poem better than I can to people.
I am more skills with my writing and raising learning disability awareness than everyday living skills. 13.8.2012 - 17.8.2012

Wolverhampton City.
Either dead as a door nail or full of crime.
This city was once a  lovely town.
I still see it as town, it's too small to be a town in my eyes.
Beggars picking nub ends off the streets and begging people for money.
This shows how Britain is getting weak.
Britain is too over crowded, we are spending money we can't affront.
What has happened to Great Britain that's just Britain?
The council has wasted money on a bus station that doesn't get used because not all the buses go there.
Most of the buses are messed around around the town or should I say city?
It's hard to say what will the future of Britain will be.
Today's children don't know what's right from wrong, which causes crime, how will their children learn right from wrong?
Too many prisons full up and too many people committing crime.
Life should be the time for crime.
There are computers, internet, iPod s, mobile phones and the world is not enough or is it too much?
May be there's too much greed in the world.
There were more smiles on faces when we were just playing snakes and ladders. 13.8.2012 - 17.8.2012

Moon Under Water.
Cheapest pub in Wolverhampton for food and drink.
More people yet very dead.
May be not having any music takes away the atmosphere.
I guess we get what we pay for.
Friday and Saturday nights busiest nights of all.
Young people talking loud, screaming and knocking the shots back, may be I am showing my age.13.8.2012 - 17.8.2012

Changes.
No central heating.
Cold in classrooms wear our coats in lessons.
Play outside build a snowman and throw snow balls.
Games of Snakes and Ladders, Tidley winks and Frustration.
Get detention and lines if you were naughty.
The slap off the rulers didn't do us any harm.
Coal and gas fire.
Telephone boxes if no landlines.
Long walks in the snow to make phone calls.
Kids walking to school for miles whatever the weather.
Less traffic on the roads.
Prices were cheaper when look back compared with today. 13.8.2012 - 17.8.2012


Time to keep strong.
It's not just about my feelings, it's about your feelings too.
If enough is enough just let me know, even though I think so much of you I will leave you alone.
You don't have to give reasons why when I can work them out for myself, no one is in the wrong.

Sorry for what I have done.
I speak my mind and I speak the truth.
However you feel I need to know so if your feelings don't match with mine I can get on with my life.
If only I knew what is going through your mind.

Don't be scared to tell me it's not as if I haven't been there before.
Sorry if things didn't work out if they haven't at least we tried.
May be things didn't work out to what we hoped.
As hard as it is I had to be honest to you, I couldn't have lied to you.
All I know is that I miss you so much. 12.10.12

 Need to know the reasons.

I know I told you in the text that I sent you that I wanted to know the reasons why we have to part.
 I have tried to put the reasons out of my mind behind but I just can’t.

Sorry to say that I’m going out of my mind.
I need to know if I have done anything wrong, if so what?
I don't want to make you love me if you don't love me.

Somehow some way I need to move on.

How long have you been fed up of me?
Didn't I show you enough love?
Wasn't I there when you wanted me to be there or was I there when you didn't want me to be there?
I don’t want to force you into another you don’t want to do.
I love and care for you too much to put stress on you I love you so much I will need to let you go, which is hard to do.

Even though I have a rough idea of the reason why, I need to be sure I'm right in some cases I hope I'm wrong.
I may have done nothing wrong it may be something that's no one’s' fault.
I've always prepared myself for the worst because nothing has lasted for me in the past.
Take your time to tell me I will wait forever, I guess I only have myself to blame.
I feel as if I'm in a black hole, I feel so sad.
I know I have my conscience to fight.
All I need is a peace of mind.
I can't believe I've hurt the one I love so much.
I know I won't get anyone better than you.
The next one will be like the rest of them therefore it won't last.
I want to move forward not back.
I've blew it with it right one, which is you.  

Didn't I treat you right?
Put me right on what I did wrong so I don't make the same mistake again.
Right now I'm going out of my mind.
Whether it's in my face, letter text or phone please let me know.
My last love finished with me because I was around him too much.
Having learned from that mistake, I have tried so hard to be independent or have I become too independent?
I thought you'd like your women independent, we never saw that much of one another anyway.
Please tell me how I can keep a man happy?
I know I washed my hands of him, which caused us to see even less of one another, but at least I saw you for a little while, how should that affect us when he didn't know about us?
If I hadn't have turned up because of him, you may have thought I was cheating on you, that's what I wouldn't do. 16.10.2012

Time to move on.
Now that you have gone for good the days and nights seem longer than before we parted.
Even though we spend little time together when we were together, it's as if a big part of my life is missing, I'm missing you a lot more.
Although I will see you again some day as just friends this will take some getting used to, it won't be the same as before.
It's good to know that there was no lieing, falling out and cheating.
Don't worry it's not a lot different than it was before after all, your secret is still safe with me, just the same as it was when we were together.
I need to write poetry to keep myself stable and help myself to move on.
I need to accept what you want.
I don't regret a single minute of time we spend together.
I understand why it had to end but I wouldn't lie to say I would love to go back to where it was again. 30.10.2012

You turn on and off like a light.
I can take no more of your pain, your mind turns on and off like a light.
One minute your mind is rain then it shines.
I never know how long your mine,
If I take anymore of your change of mind, I will blew the fuse and go out of my mind.
You change like the weather winter, summer and spring.
If the water catches wires it will pull out the fire.
If I let you carry on, I will blow a storm that will rise to fire, 30.10.2012

Winter is coming.
The winter is coming; the cold is coming without you.
Dark mornings and dark nights as the cold frost bites into the morning light.
The days are shorter and the nights are longer without you.
Six mouth of winter go on forever after the clocks go back.
Time seems late than what it is because winter is so dark.
The cold is longer wihout you.  30.10.2012


Moving forward.
The door has closed but it's too cold yet for other doors to open.
It doesn't seem as if there are anymore doors to open as I have walked through them all.
If there' anymore doors to open they will open in the spring ready for the summer.
Walk into Autumn doors will close for winter.
The future is an unknown world. 30.10.2012

The stormy sea.

The boats are sinking as the tide goes in and out as people shout floating about.
Most people dream of living near the sea you see.
The sea can be a nightmare as well as a dream you sea.
It's not all it cuts out to be you see.
Furniture damage, power cuts and electrically going on and off.
As the sea stops rushing it will calm down in time.
The boats will peacefully float.
The sun set will rise as it shines surfing, slipping and sliding. 30.10.2012

Washing machine.
It seems as if the world is a big wash out.
The washing machine seemed to be going on forever.
The timer was only set for 30 minutes, as it went on longer.
It stooped just just before I went to the shops.
The door took ages to open as the water came out like a shower onto the floor.
I gabed anything I could to soak up the water quick as I could.
Strangely when I saw the news the same day, the Americans were up to their necks of Super Storm Sandy.
The stormy sea cusing damage to homes, power cuts, electrically going on and off.
Anyhting, everything and everyone in sight the storm will fright to fight. 30.10.2012

Halloween and Bonfire night.
Halloween and Bonfire night so near together as Halloween gets ready for Bonfire night.
It all happened on two very dark stormly nights not a very nice sight nothing very bright.
The creatures were stirred into the witches' pots for soup on Halloween night ready for Bonfire night.
Both nights were wet, rainy and windy not a pretty sight.
Halloween night is when the witches bite as they fly on their broom and kite.
Witches don't give up without a fright to fight.
Bonfire night is the night when the witches get burned alive on on the bonfire. 1.11.2012

I know the truth hurts.
I know  the truth hurts yet there's no one one to blame, which is a good thing.
Never the less the truth hurts to lose your love.
Through non blamed reasons the feelings are hard to go away.
Just because I'm calm with you when I see you it doesn't mean I don't hurt.
May be I'm wrong but all the same I still have a lot of trust in you.
I still want to be your friend even though I can't be your love anymore.
How are you feeling, are you happy or sad to lose me?
I may not have cried or showed any signs of heartache  but believe me it's all there.
I'm still strong but my emotions are there whether anyone can see them or not,
I'm coping alone because I've had so many heartaches before now.
All good things come to the end of our love.
To me you were the best better than all the rest and you still are.
If only I knew what was going through your mind,
I wonder how long it's been since you have gone off me. 5.11.2012


All good things come to the end.
Now it's all gone, there's no magic wand to bring us back together again.
I know nothing will be the same again.
Time to move on but the future is unknown.
Nothing has to go bitter.
Love doens't have to happen for us to get along.
There must be ways of facing one another without thinking about how we once were.
I have so many things to say to you.
So many reasons could be unknown to me.
I may be I'm thinking you could be hiding something away from me, how do I  know?
I can trust you but it's hard to know as I saw so little of you.
I may be wrong I just need to make sure.
What are your thoughts that are going through your mind?
Why did it take me to text you for me to find out it was over?
Would you ever have told me if I hadn't have texted you?
When would you have told me it was over?
How long has it been since you have wanted it to end or didn't you wanted it to end? 5.11.2012

No more.
I took on your world because I loved you.
The most hurtful thing is that I still love you.
Yes I had the chance to say no to your world but I liked you so much.
It even hurts now to lose you but I know you had your reasons to do so.
As much as I want to accept that it's over it's not easy.
Writing these poems keep me coping. 5.11.2012

I thought it was love.

I thought it was love but I guess it wasn't.
It was love that was just a dream if you know what I mean.
Whatever it was between us you were my sercert lover and dream
The dream seemed good while lasted, why did it stop?
It all felt so good at the time.
With my luck there seems to be no such word as love.
It's all just a dream love book.
Happiest is just a dream book.
Now it makes you wonder what life is all about.
If only I knew the truth of happness of falling in love because to what I have discovered it's never happned.
It was all in my mind, a dream and I was in a world of my own. 5.11.2012

Frozen.
The winter is frozen cold without your love.
Even though you saw me on my birthday, it was still not easy to see you again after the text message before my birthday.
Since then my world has been empty without you.
On the night of my birthday I didn't know what to say to you as I froze.
Although I faced you, I felt hurt inside, even though you told me the reason why.
Even now my feelings towards you are still here my dear.
I want to accept what you want, I don't want to give you a hard time.
The hardest thing for me is to get you off my mind. 5.11.2012

Now what?
How can I forget you when I know I should?
If only I knew how you felt about me.
If only I knew how you'd react to my poems.
Were both of us just a dream, if not why can't I get you out of my head?
Nothing seems to be happening now.
Was I just reading things when I read your text or was I just having a nightmare?
Something doesn't feel right inside of me.
Why do I feel so empty inside?
Nothing seems the same anymore, 5.11.2012

How can I forget?
How can I forget when we first met.
I didn't have a thought in the world.
I never took a great of notice of you been there yet I was facing another heartache.
Even when I sat next to you for the first time the thought of love wasn't on my mind.
Little did I realised that I'd even get talking to you.
Little did I realised that I'd get like you like I still do now.
Little did I realised that you would become interested in me at the time.
Soon as I felt the same as you did, I never wanted it to end.
Sudenly you don't feel the same way anymore now this is what I find hard to get used to. 5.11.2012

The way you felt about me.
The way you felt about me in the begining is different to how you feel now.
If only I didn't still love you like I do.
In time I will get through this just like I have had with others in my past life, it will just take it's own time to get used to you not being mine anymore.
Both of us have gone through this pain alone.
Not really me when I can turn to my pen, paper, computer and poetry. 6.11.2012

May be if I say nothing to you.
May be if I say nothing at all to you.
You won't know how I feel  about the break up.
May be if I don't take your thoughts and feelings into account either.
When we were to together nothing was said to anyone.
I'm here to share your thoughts and feelings if you want in hopes we are here for one another just the same as we were.
Our love was a secert to the world so is our break up. 6.11.2012

It was never to be.
I know I don't know what you are thinking.
The tears inside me I can't cry.
I know it hurts me to know that I'll never be yours again.
I thought you were the one for me but how wrong was I?
Where do I go now?
How do you think I should think and feel?
May be I shouldn't care less but the problem is that I do.
If only I could clear you out of my mind.
If only I could tell you how I think and feel with you thinking and feeling the same way. 6.11.2012

I feel so low.
I feel so low and empty without you.
How did I meet you?
How did I fall for you?
How did I get myself in this state.
Why did I build up my hopes that you were the one for me?
I remember I was going through with a heartache with someone else when I first met you.
Now feel the same now as I did then.
It never seems to end.
I don't want anyone but you.
Now I have tell myself that in time I will meet someone new just as I had to when I broke up with all the other lovers.
This is hard to believe to how I feel now, 6.11.2012


Don't think because I'm alone.
Only because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm free to love anyone for a long time.
As far your mind works, I'm not a free woman because you don't know I'm single.
I want to move forward not back in my life.
I don't need you to mess my head around anymore.
Now I'm staying away from you.
Don't think because I'm alone that I'm coming back into your life because I'm not.
I will make sure that you won't know wheather I'm single or not.
I'm keeping away from you so you don't get your chance to love me to hurt me again.
Love, you don't even know what the word love means.
May be I am lonely but it's better than being with you to hurt me all over again like you have so many times before.
How many chances do you want?
If you think I am wasting the rest of my life on you, then the news is bad for you.
I'm not giving you a anymore chances for you to love me to hurt me again.
I find it hard to forgive and forget what you did to me.
Why should I forgive you at all?
I used to find it hard to stop loving now I find it hard to love again.
Why would I try to love you again after what you put me through?
Now I just have no trust in you yet once I believed in you so much.
I should never have gone back to you, I should have known better than giving you another chance.
I may well now be single, which could be for a long time but not forever, I believe I will met someone better than you one day.
The longer I am single the more he will be worth the wait as well as the date.
I don't want to love you for you to hurt me again.
You confused my mind and messed with my head with your silly mind games not knowing whether you wanted me or not.
I want someone who knows what and who he wants.
Now you have lost your chance to love me again.
You knew I used to love you so much that you played with head.
After losing you it took a long time to get my life back together again.
Little did I realise that I was better off without you, how blind was I?
Everyday I used to hope that you'd change but you just got worse.
Just because I'm alone it doesn't mean you can touch me because I feel nothing for you.
Nothing at all.
You may laugh now because I'm alone, it may be a long time but I'm more than willing to get back on my feet again so I won't be alone forever.
You don't break me anymore.
I have got my life back together before, I  will do it again.
I feel nothing for you anymore.
You never loved me and cared for me as much as I did for you.
You didn't love me as much as I thought you did.
You didn't love me at all.
 I can't believe I loved a man for 13 and a half years on and off who didn't love me.
Our relationship was based on you lying about your feelings towards me.
I was too blind to disbelieve you.
Time to move on.
It's time for me to stop turning up on your door step. 5.11.2012 -
 18.11.2012

Percy Bysshe Shelly.
Shelly who loved the water yet he married Mary Shelly who wrote Frankinsine.
It's hard to think about Frankinsine comming out of water.
How strange to know that Shelly ended his life drowning in water yet his body was burned under ground with his ashes all over him.
May be Shelly's body may have gone to sea with his wife Mary if she didn't lay next to Frankinsine. 9.12.2012

Hiding pain with a smile.
Sometimes the world can know too much about you.
Sometimes we should be free to have our secerts and cope alone with whatever goes wrong.
Drinking may not be the answer but tears are too locked in the eyes to cry.
Keeping ones' self busy is keeping ones' self going.
Now it's too easy to fear the future.
Not wanting to be alone but not having to deal with disappointed ended love.
It's hard to know what you do and don't want let alone what's going to happen.
Try not to think about it, just get on with it with a smile.
May be it's easy to smile but hard to stop thinking about you.
No matter how I try I find my feelings for you are hard to go. 9.12.2012

Time is passing by.
When I look at the world everyone is in love but not everyone.
Now I realise I'm like a tricking clock tricking so fast years are racing by yet I try not to wait for things to happen because they take too long.
It's easy to understand why every middle age person feels alone.
It's too easy to think this is the end of you when it's not.
It's too easy to feel alone when the world is full of young love.
Your never too old, you just forget that you were young in love once but never thought about the older ones alone.
The future is hard to see but your life isn't over yet, it just taken longer to mend when broken like it used to. 9.12.2012

When everyone knows.
When everyone knows nothing and no one is your own.
They think you only care about yourself, which is not true.
This can make you so misunderstood.
When everyone knows everything of yours nothing and no one is your own, it's there for everyone and everything.
We should all have rights to have something or someone our own. 9. 12.2012

A brave face.

Stept into the world to show them your there.
Show them no fear even though you may have fear.
You are more than a stranger to them what they think.
You may worry more than you should.
The world may seem worser than what it is.
Once you have taken one stept you can take another one.
Nothing lost noithing gained.
Many things happen for the right reasons even they seem wrong. 9.12.2012

It's hard but I will get by.
Not that you don't feel to same about me as you used to.
I feel more lonely than I did before.
Don't worry, don't feel bad.
Who am I, I know I am no one special at all?
Of course you are going to love again one day so will I.
He's out there somewhere but I don't know where.
I guess I won't met him for a long time to come.
I believe he'll be just as nice as you but it's not fare to say better.
May be I live in fear of been alone but in fear of losing disappointed love again.
I guess I just except too much without meaning to.
May be I should except to be loved or live in fear of love.
This could be why every realationship has failed.
I should stop feeling sorry for myself, I know I'm not alone.
May be loneliness isn't my problem, may be it's the thought of getting old.
Then old age isn't a problem I hope I get wiser.
No rush to love again, I will take my time and won't be easy to get next time round.
Why should I go back to a bad boy after losing a good boy, may be I will get a better boy next time. 9.12.2012

Too scared to talk.
Too scared of saying the wrong thing even though one may mean it.
It may not be nice but it may be the truth.
One can be scared of the truth in a good way as well as a bad but then the truth isn't always what we want heard then we do, it's no good living in a lie.
Not wanting to hurt the feelings of others.
Not wanting to fall out with others because they can't agree with you and you can't agree with them.
Everyone has rights to their own views.
Not everyone gets along : not everyone doesn't get along.
Right or wrong you can't make feelings go away until feelings want to.
We all make mistakes : not all are mistakes.
It's what we say and do what matters, thinking is just thoughts not words. 9. 12. 2012


Understanding people.
The only people who understand we is we.
Freedom is important we without knowing it we control one another.
We are looked at as strange from strangers as if we have masks to cover as faces.
We are looked at as if we are wrong all the while.
We are looked as if we are not human.
We looked at if we are nuts and out of our minds all the time.
There's a fear if we are watched all the time.
As if what we do and say is wrong all the time.
A fear of been bitten, shouted at and hit because others don't see life like we do. 9.12.2012

Hard to trust.
To be able to trust is to know that there's faith that no one will judge you for what you do and say.
To be able to look at the world with ones' head up high without fear of strange looks.
It should be easy to believe on ones' self and others. 9.12.2012

Loving too much.
If you love someone let them be themself.
Don't try to make them love you because you love them.
One day your feelings will match with someone.
Be careful because many pretend to love you when they don't.
Don't pretend to love someone when you don't because then that's lieing in love.
Be yourself, others will respect you.
The secert is to not let them know you love them, let them work it out for themselves, even better unless you know for sure they love you.
They will hate you if you force their feelings to be the same as yours.
They willl play with your feelings if they don't match theirs.
Be brave enough to take the pain there are plenty more that love you.
The best love takes a long time to find out about.
Don't rush feelings to go away.
Feeling will go away when they are going to. 9.12.12

Failed love.

You may have given me pain but I gave you all the love I could.
The pain you gave me made me a stronger person in the end.
Never judge what you don't know.
You may have known me a long time but you don't know everything about me.
See what you see of me when the door is open but when it's closed the only person who knows me is me. 9.12.12

When I was awake I was asleep.
The voices I heard were shouting at me to wake me up as I was in my own world.
I think I was been asked questions that I didn't know the answers to.
The teachers wrote so much jargon on the board in school.
It seemed as if I never paid a great attension with the world around me.
This is why I learned noithing in school nothing at all.
They moved my table and chair to the end of the class.
Let kids laugh at me and bullying was hell outside on the playground.
They made me feel so thick and small that they all called me thicko.
For all the tablets I took, if I were still taking them my adulthood would have been distoried as well as my childhood.
Now kids and teachers I'm not the person I was, I've learned more since I left school.
In school I learned nothing at at all. 9.12.12

Why did you?
Why did you play with my mind?
Why did you make me cry?
You knew I told you I loved you that's why.
Now things have turned the other way round.
The only difference is that I mean what I say.
I don't feel the same towards you like I used to.
Your loss you never loved me when I did love you.
You only pretend to love me to keep me happy.
I can't believe I lived 13 and a half years with a lie.
Why should I care how you feel anymore because you never cared about my feelings when I had feelings for you. 9.12.12


Feelings.
I meant everything I said to you.
I only wish I said nothing at all.
I wish I kept my thoughts to myself even though nothing has been said ever since.
Sorry I said it at the wrong time.
I must move on to think that you don't feel the same as I do.
I know I got up set before hand but I have a lot on my mind.
I bet you wonder why I feel this way all of a sudden.
I have shocked myself to think it's sudden for me to feel this way about someone at this point. 12.12.12 - 23.12.12

Out of all poems.
I bet you'd be shocked to read what I have to say to you in this poem.
I bet you wonder why I have written this poem all of a sudden.
Out of all poems I have written this has not been an easy poem to write.
I have had to write a few poems to get to my point to accept the things I want and can't have in life.
Saying how I feel isn't easy otherwise I wouldn't have written this poem.
I have written this poem because I don't want to show you up in font of people in the pub. 12.12.12 - 23.12.12


It may not be as bad as I think.

Sorry there's no easy way for me to tell you.
I never thought I'd feel this way about someone so quickly.
I feel so silly because I don't know you very well.
I can't bring myself to tell you because you may not speak to me again if I do.

In a way I want to tell you but in another way I don't.

I don't want to make life hard for you but I would be lieing to myself and you if I said I don't feel this way.
I may be worrying about nothing.
I don't want to risk losing your friendship
I've tried so hard to block you out my mind but it's no good.
 I hope I don't find myself telling you one day.
I must learn to accept friendship again.
I don't want to spoil things in case you have someone special in your life.
Despite of the way I feel about you, I must cope with it because I have so much respect for you. 12.12.12 - 23.12.12

Finding it hard to trust you.

I shouldn't have trusted you from the start.
I'm so gald I didn't marry you.
Even now I'm not sure whether or not you were cheating on me.
Even now it's hard to say wheather or not you were unfaithful.
What makes me think this is that you were texting alot infront of me and getting texts back.
You made me feel very stressed and very uncomfortable that's why I won't have you back.
I kept on thinking this was a bad dream.
I may be wrong in what I did thought but the texts you sent and the texts you had back went on far too long because I loved you so much. 13.12.12

Just because I haven't cried.

Just because I haven't cried it's going to be a wet Christmas without you.
Eatting less affects my emotions.
The nasty things the others have put through the pain made me cry more.
The pain from you hurts more because there was no pain but it hurts more than things now won't be the same again.
To me your so special I try to tell myself next time I will do even better.
May the best of love for me has gone.
I can't believe that there may well never be another you.
May be I shouldn't have written this poem, If I hadn't I still would have been your love. 23.12.12

Scared of getting old and alone.

May be I shouldn't be scared of being old and alone.
May be I should be strong enough to take the not to love again.
May be the pain from others have made me stronger.
I must be weak to be scared to be old old and alone.
Yet I'm ashamed to be weak. 23.12.12

I'm a lot more down than I show.

Although tear don't cry the pain is deep down inside.
No emotions cried out.
A smile might be on my face but the pain and feelings are deep down inside.
Losing weight has now been my way of showing my emotions even I need to lose weight.
Eating less seems to be the way instead of crying.
If only I spend the time with you when you offtered me to.
Even though our feelings are still there for one another it wouldn't be right knowing that things won't be the same again.
Whatever I would have done I would have felt so ashamed.
It was a no win situation.
I didn't know what to do for the best. 23.12.12

When I first met you.

When I first met you to me you were just a friend.
I never thought I'd love you more than a friend.
Now that I have lost you I see no other lover.
Everything that was said between us we told no one else but ourselves.
May be I will love again but a long time to come or never at all.
It's hard to see the wood between the trees.
Take no notice of me I'm just so silly you see.
I'm just a middle aged lady feeling sorry for ones' self. 23.12.12

The future is unknown. 

It's hard to believe that someone special has gone out my life.
I didn't mean to make myself misunderstood.
How long will it take for me to get use to you not being mine anymore?
The future is so unknown.
After having been with someone as nice as you, it's hard to believe who could be nicer?
I may love again or never again.
May be 'm stronger and braver than I think to be alone.
The loneliness of getting old. 23.12.12

No going back.

No going  back where we were.
Our love was always a secret so is our break up.
I wonder who will be in my life next if anyone.
I wonder who will take on your world next.
Getting along with others without saying a word to the world.
How long will she take on your world for?
For me the situation wasn't a problem.
It was harder for me to know your feelings knowing I saw so little of you.
Yet longer time apart more to look forward to when we were together.
It was wrong to break when we had something going so special between us.
May be you you think I'm better off with someone who can spend more time with me.
Yet why would I put up with someone all the while when I have done it before? 23.12.12

Not the same.

Feelings far too strong but empty.
Thinking about you non stop.
Trying to keep my mind busy to accept the fact what I want back I can't have back.
Not the same without your love.
Can't eat as much as normal. 24.12.12

Hard to believe.

Hard to believe that your not mine anymore.
Hard to believe that I'm not yours anymore.
Yet our love is still there for one another.
Words I said I made myself misunderstood.
I just wanted to know if you still felt the same way about me as I do about you.
Why did you end our love knowing that we still love one another?
How much time together and apart didn't matter to me I loved you all the same as I still do.
May be it's you that can't cope with your own situation.24.12.12

If only I could stop myself from having feelings.

If only my heart would stop beating for you.
The more my heart beats the more it breaks for you.
I have to tell myself that we aren't together anymore.
Every time I full in love it always fails.
Love is a feeling hard to control.
Feelings are something that you can't rush to go away.
Feelings take their own time to go away or stay with you for life.
At this point is unknown how long my feelings will last for you. 24.12.12

Some things are better not said.

It's unknown when he will come along.
He will never know about you.
Now our love has gone there's nothing to tell.
Yet in thoughts our love is still there.
Thinking is different to speaking.
I will never cheat but I will never forget the love we had.
Our secert still stands as I said some things are better off not being said.
As wicked as the secert is it's kept a secert for safety reason.
A private reason to protect ourselves and people. 24.12.12

Mail and communication. 

Times are changing all the while.
It's hard to know whether communication is getting better or not.
From telegrammes to letters from letters to texts from texts to emails not forgetting faxes.
Whatever next to come.
Keep the clock ticking.
Keep the phones landlines and moblies without a sound.
Turn the volum of peoples' when voices down when walking down the street.
When you heard strangers shout it seems like they are talking to you.
Keep the texts coming in without a sound but keep the emails coming free.
Bring back the call boxes but no heavy snow.
Bring back walking miles to the call boxes so that it cuts down the traffic on the roads.
Traffic costs too much to run is to why the country's money is running out. 24.12.12

On heat hanging on the ceiling.

I sat under the light hanging on the ceiling.
The lamp shaid was shaking.
The heat was rising.
I was hanging.
The room span round and round as if I had a good many drinks.
I saw stars on the ceiling spining around with me.
I had a very bad hair day after I washed my hair.
It went from wet and curly to dry to fizzy as my hair felt the heat.
I tried everything I could to make it dry and curly but it was no good.
This was just me chasing dreams of freedom.  28.12.12

Bunny rabbit.

I'm a bunny rabbit.
I have stickie out teeth.
I live in a hutch.
I eat carrots.
I can see in the dark.
I get so bored inside my hutch that I run wild when I am out of it. 28.12.12

Treatment.

Living on medication isn't fun.
Feeling dizzy and in another world.
You can miss what's going on around you.
It's hard to keep up with the rest of the world around you.
Many medications don't treat you like they should you.
Some medications that right you right bright something else on.
If life is like this then what are we here, what is life all about? 28.12.12

Freedom of speech.

You are born alone.
You die alone.
The world is nice to you when you are born.
You have a lot to learn.
You have a lot of good and bad to face.
Not all rights are your own.
Self is belief.
To what you think isn't always what others think.
To what you say isn't what others agree with.
No one likes the same.
You don't always have the freedom of speech. 28.12.12

How humans can change.

Childhood is unknown to you but known to the rest of the world.
Everything is so new.
Welcome to the adult world.
There's so much to learn.
You know even less when you spend years in school not learning at all.
Society has told you you'd never get anywhere in life.
You believe others around because you are a child.
You are misunderstood so you feel very bad inside.
Your past haunts you so bad that you have to find your own way to express yourself to be understood.
Only then then society realises there's something about you after all, that is talent.
No matter who we are all good at something just most of us take longer to get there. 28.12.12

Unknown world.

Everyone is around you is speaking but your not hearing a thing.
No sound to be heard but people are making movements around you.
Not everyone understands everything about you.
You don't understand everything about them. 28.12.12

Dark world.

Nothing is seen in the world around you.
Sounds are heard everywhere you go.
You don't know when if you are going to feel anything and what you are going to feel.
You don't know what's going on when it's going to begin and end.
You don't how it's going to begin and end. 28.12.12

What is to come?

What is to come?
The future is hard to tell wait until tomorrow comes.
May be I will travel again when I am old.
I haven't worked hard enough yet.
May be I will be old when I see the sun.
For now my career comes first.
My career has been slow to come.
Now I am over 40 life is too short to waste.
You have spend your life fighting for your career.
It was never a career you thought of yet it's a career for you.
It took so long that you thought you'd be good for nothing and no one. 29.12.12


What next?

I have tears I need to cry that haven't yet.
One day I will cry over you but I don't know when.
New year is not long to come so is that sparking champaign.
Spring should be on it's way but they tell us we have a long cold winter to come.
The sunshine seems a long time to come if ever at all 29.12.12

See what tomorrow brings.

No one can say for sure what tomorrow is going to bring.
The future is hard to tell until tomorrow is here.
Sometimes we are right and other times we are wrong about life.
Like the weather people are not always right or wrong.
Look out the window to see what the weather is like when you get up tomorrow.
They say the world is going to end caused by the weather therefore we will either freeze or burn to death by sun or ice.
Worry and Stress is the wrost killer of all.
We think we have the whole world on our sholders when we are young.
As we get old we worry less.
I can still hear much older people say when I was young.
" Worrying get's you in your grave."
At the time I never understood that saying.
Now I see the truth in that saying because I just live my life day by day. 29.12.12

Poetry, Aniexty and depression.

It's poetry that helps me accept life as it is.
As long as I keep my mind busy.
As long as I live my life busy.
Like us all as long as I have something to look forward to I can cope with life.
I am down if I have nothing at all.
I can't fight Aniexty and depression without poetry.
I can't cope in life with nothing.
I get sad and angry if I sit all the time bored.
Helping others helps me along.
Poetry helps me let out my thoughts. 29.12.12

Without poetry.

Without poetry life would be more painful than what it is.
Without poetry I would look and feel silly for being down for no reason.
Poetry makes life as less as bad as what it is.
Poetry makes me see life different to what I'd be without poetry.
Without poetry I would never feel good about myself, I would be angerly about myself.
When see the good in yourself you see the good in others.
Life is what you make it in one way but not in another.
Each and everyone of us I believe have something inside us.
We just cope with good and bad in life in different ways.
Most of us think thoughts too much, this where poetry comes in.
I'm a person who has a lot of thoughts which have for many years put into poetry.
Without poetry I would have held too much back. 29.12.12


When I feel anger.

When I feel anger I don't want to live.
When I feel anger I feel stress and tense.
There are too many thoughts going through my head to a point I want to write poetry.
I need to stop myself from getting angry and depression mainly when it's for no reason but sometimes there are reasons.
I need to stop myself from doing and say things I regret. 29.12.12

The Mind.

This is unknown to think what we are going to think.
Unknown to why we think what we think when we think.
Most thoughts seem odd to others yet unknown why to the person who thinks those those thoughts.
Yet many thoughts seem odd to the person whose thought them in time to come.
Thoughts can be unknown like feelings can be unknown.
Some thoughts and feelings may last for life others may only last for a certein amount of time which either be short or long.
The thoughts we think can't please everyone.
What a boring world it would be if we were right and good all the time.
Not everyone is bad all the time even though a lot of us think we are. 29.12.12

Learning.

Learning is a good thing about life.
Without knowing it we learn something new everyday.
Some of us learn quicker than others.
Some of us learn slower than others.
As life is ending we haven't learned enough but better going through life learning nothing at all. 29.12.12

Too much to cope with in life.

The head spins round and round.
Everyone makes out no one knows nothing at all about anything at all.
Too many people say different things to one thing.
There can't be millions of answers to one question can there?
Too many things happen at once or nothing at all.
They want you in too many places at once.
Too many people talk to you at once.
At times life is just too much at once. 29.12.12

I am what I am as well as who I am.

I am what I am as well as who I am.
What I was born to be is what I was to be as well as who I was born to be.
Who I was born to be is me.
I learned to be strong minded with not a great deal of chioce in life due to my abillities.
Yet the change in me I don't think anyone or myself would be.
The person as a child and the person as an adult are two different mes.
It was hard for me to believe in me because others found it hard to see the good in me.
Now I have learned a lot in adulthood even though there's a limit of what I can do. 29.12.12

I think now the end has come.

It's too easy to think your life is over when being over 40.
A lot of break ups of marrages and relationships have late 30s to early 40s.
You stand and look in mirror to see what has changed in you not only the person you are in looks.
Too easy to think love has gone forever when your middle aged.
You tend to think this is the end but it's not in everyone.
That doesn't mean I am right because the truth is unknown to everyone.
It's hard to think of yourself growing old alone. 29.12.12

I try not to think about it.

I try not to think about being lonely.
I try not think about who walks into my life next if anyone at all.
Men have come and gone out of my life, I guess they will carry as they always have done.
Thinking more of moving on.
Thinking more of getting strong.
Thinking more of accepting as it is and however it's going to be.
Time is so unknown anything could happen at time at all. 29.12.12


As it comes.

Some things in life are just dreams that many of us try not to chase.
Other things in life are real life.
It can be hard to say which wrong and which is right.
The truth of the weather is unknown until you look through the window every day.
Really in this life nothing is sure or unsure until the time comes.
Life is like a ticking clock as it ticks to the hour through the day and night.
Life is like the weather rain, snow and shine is unknown until it comes.
This can work the same as tears, sadness and happiness.
We are born to live then die whatever reason why is yet again unknown. 30.1.2012

Complete year wash out to bring the New year.

2012 has been a long wet year even through the summer.
It's been a complete wash out with floods here, there and everywhere.
It's unknown what 2013 will bring us.
It's been a wet blow out in stroms and winds.
They tell us January 2013 will bring us the wrost winter for a 100 years let's just see it when or if it comes.
30.12.12

I know.

I know you still love me like I love you.
Love is not an easy feeling to let go.
How I made myself misunderstood in the text.
I was only trying to ask you how you felt about me.
You told me before Christmas that it was pointless us carrying on.
For who me, you or both of us?
I can wait forever long.
Is what I am saying right or is this your way of saying you don't feel the same way about me anymore?
Why not tell the truth to tell me you don't want me in your life anymore.
If that's the case it may hurt me but at least it may be the truth.
If you feel this way why was I in your life in the first place.
I wouldn't have known a thing if I wouldn't have known how you felt about me at the time.
Don't be scared to tell me the truth even though it may hurt me.
I'd rather know the truth even if you don't like me.
Please be honest with me too many men have played games with my mind when they knew I had loved them. 30.12.12

Don't play games with my feelings?

You know I love you so much so don't play with my feelings!
Ok we didn't spent time together last time but that wouldn't have been wise because of us not been together anymore.
It was hard to say no when I so much wanted to spent time with you knowing that I still love you.
It's hard to know whether or not you feel the same way I guess you did we'd still be together now. 30.12.12

New year 2012 - 2013.

Christmas has been and gone.
What's Christmas and New year all about?
To end one year and begin another.
Too much money is spent paying spenting all year round paying off the Christmas debts.
Christmas is a special day for children.
No fun for adults other than to eat too much and get drunk.
Soon be time to diet when the New year is over.
May be the world isn't all black and white.
Like a holiday so nice to have but nice to go home.
Nice to have a break but nice to go back to work. 31. 12.12

Start a fresh.

Make a fresh start.
What has happened has happened.
What's to happen is yet to come.
Keep memeories in your thoughts. 31.12.12

Let the old year out.

Let the old year out.
Let go of the past.
Keep the old diary and buy a new.
Shred old documents of 2012 unless they are very important.
Soon these dull bare winter trees will have a very few spring green leaves. 31.12.12

Last night of the year.

Drinking so many hours before the start of New year's day.
Wondering thoughts of what's happened all year through.
The old year has gone the New year is to come.
Here comes the Scottish bag pipes.
The coal fire is keeping us warm.
12am bring out the Champagne and Chandeliers. 31.12.12

Time.

It seems a long way off from one year ending to another year to end again.
Twelve mouth seems like forever but it's gone a bink of an eye.
New year's eve and day make the most of it and eat away.
Time to save ourselves for another Christmas and New year to come.
Every year flys by, it makes you wonder life passes by.
We are born to live then to die, it makes you wonder why. 31.12.12

Learning Disability Hate Crime Awareness.

On Monday 20th February 2012, at 8.20pm, I faced Learning Disability Hate Crime by home area in Bradmore. I was just going into town for a drink to meet friends.

As I was going out to lock my door at 8.15pm, I saw an Indian guy with pale blue sweater with a hood, he had black curly hair, mid brown skin and he was roughly about just over 5 foot 5 in height.
He was on the opposite side of the road to me, he headed off faster than me. I didn't think anything of him because I don't know him.

I walked along the road, stood waiting for my bus.
The same guy came behind me as he gabbed my bag out my hand, ran across the road, go into a blue car while it was driving.
Whoever was driving was driving so fast he or she would have been done for speeding if the police would have seen them.
At speed it was going I couldn't catch the reg number.
I am not very good with numbers anyway.

For 5 minutes I walked around in shock and Sheree panic.
I knew my phone and keys were in my bag so I ran across the pub, the staff were very good as they rang the police and I had a free pint.
The police came down, took my details and then drove me to my sister's home.
Lucky my sister had a spare set of my keys.
My sister and her boyfriend were very good, they drove me to my home to get my computer and laptop to take to their home.
My sister stopped my calls on my phone, rang centro to sort me out a new Disabled bus pass and stop my bank because my card was taken out of my bus pass, which was also in my bag.

The next morning the police came to my sister's house to take a statement off me.
I hadn't slept very well there that night, everything was all going round and round inside my head.
By the time I did a statement with police I had a bad job remembering anything other than this Indian guy with blue sweater and the blue car he jumped into.

From there my sister and her boyfriend drove me up to my home to change my locks and put my computer and laptop back where it was before the crime.

On the Thursday of that week the police came down to my home lucky for me bring back my bag.
My bank card was taken out of my Disabled bus pass, but my Disabled bus pass card was taken out it's wallet.
My bank card had gone.
The police did finger prints on an Iceland shopping card, my library card and my Disabled bus pass card but nothing was found.

Not long after the police left that day Victim support rang me to ask how I was feeling. I told them I was in shock but the police, my sister and her boyfriend have been great support.
In a couple days Victim support sent me an attack alarm.
At the end of last week someone from Victim rang me up to make an appointment for me to have some counselling on Tuesday this week at 1.00pm

Someone had handed my bag into the police station.
I think he took what he wanted and left the bag just anywhere, which is good for me but he's made himself found out without him knowing about it.
Then isn't good, he shouldn't have took my bag at all.


Last Thursday me and my sister went down to the Police station so I could look at some picture but none of them looked like him.
Saying that I drew a picture of him, which I gave the police.

Lucky for me even though I couldn't ring anyone or get into my home the night of the crime because my keys and phone were in my bag.

I am lucky I live near a local pub, I would have panic more.
It can be very hard to trust anyone today.
I would be scared of knocking on peoples's doors mainly if I don't know them because I could be anyone to them, even though I am not that kind of person but they don't know that. I guess I may have found help but it would have took longer than it did if I hadn't have lived near the pub.
I only panic for about 5 minutes wondering what to do because I was in complete shock.
There are some people with disabilities and health problems worse than me.
They may have been wondering around all night having families, carers and etc worrying about them.
Lucky for me my communication skills aren't that bad so I was a bit understood by the police compared to how I was years ago, this is why nothing has been done about the crimes I have faced in the past.
This can make a lot of crimes disbelieved because a lot of people with disabilities and health problems find it hard to make ourselves understood.
Like I said in one of my reports last year, there are not cct cameras everywhere.

All disabilities and health problems are different some get better as people get older but others don't.

People who commit crimes always pick a quite moment where no one is about to be seen.
Normally outside my local pub, mostly there's people smoking outside but for some strange reason it was very quite that night of the crime.
When I walked into the pub after the crime there was only two members of bar staff and one customer who was gone in no time.

Sara Revealed: 2012 up date to learning disability and mental health.

Sara Revealed: 2012 up date to learning disability and mental health.
Here is the website address to Mencap.

WWW.mencap.org.uk

Meet Chaz: Aspergers Symptoms in Infants, Toddlers, and Older Children

Meet Chaz: Aspergers Symptoms in Infants, Toddlers, and Older Children

I was a very hyperactive child due to very heavy medication I was taking for the fits I had from birth. At the age 13 I was taken off the tablets and after about year or two I calmed down a lot. It's possible I may have had ADHD as a child. 40 yrs on it's hard to get my disabilities dianosed but children can disanosed. If I can help or and you can help me please email me on sarajgorman@googlemail.com

I have always had problems with my co-ordation and Motor skills, which is known now as Dyspraxia. Just over 42 years there was very little education on illnesses and disabilities getting dieanosed was very rare.

2012 up date to learning disability and mental health.

The reason I haven't done a lot on my website lately is because I haven't had any work since May 2011. Mencap had been through a lot of cuts and changes. Many Mencap staff have moved from one office to the other. There hasn't been enough jobs or funding but slowly things could be starting to move on again. There are a lot staff from other Mencap offices now working for Royal Wolverhampton Mencap. There are only roughly two members of staff who have been there as long as me if not long.

There won't be a lot for learning disability week this year I think because we will be doing the same as last year, which was Hate Crime. Hopefully this will give Royal Wolverhampton a chance to catch up with work we didn't get round to doing last year. The cuts and changes may have affected funding and the work that needed doing.

After been off work since May I am hoping to set up a Hate Crime and Anti Bullying project, which I started supporting someone to do last year. Many people have said how serious Hate Crime is mainly when people with disabilities and health problems face Hate Crime. For this reason Mencap put on last year a three year campaign counting from year on to Learning Disability Hate Crime.

I guess like most people and places these days very little work has been coming in,From May to January was hell for me. The start of last year was a bad start with two of my friends died, another friend had a break down and we had to put a stop to Access All Areas now because we couldn't get any services to help us fund it. I was so down in myself I was having counselling from Healthy Minds. On top of that I dropped out of Our Shout in May and a lot of the staff I knew were leaving. I spend from May to January there was nothing, I was so board. Even so I still kept on trying to find ways I could move my career upper a ladder.

Just before this Christmas just gone I started the Mencap Job club,I was referred from Healthy Minds had referred me to a few places, Wolverhampton college to go a Mentoring course, Remploy which is a Learning Disability job club and another course which is just advise interviews cvs and etc and I am doing my ITQ Entry Level in computers.

Although I am not back to work yet I am starting to feel a lot better in myself than I was. I will be having a meeting at Albert road on Wednesday with Our Shout but the interview will be sometime around may be the end of March. I say it's a interview, it may be just a chat because they know I have been there before.

I have spent this weekend reading the Mencap website on this shocking report, I have thought about nothing else. I started Mencap in October 2007 about six mouths after my Nan died.
I was faced with a Death Indifference report about six people with learning disabilities who lived in difference parts of Britain died under the care of the NHS.

I raised Learning Disability awareness with Our Shout the Self - Advocacy group I was working with. By doing that we did loads of drama plays and presentants on the way we have been treated in hospital. Our idea of doing this job is to see that people with disabilities and health problems can be treated the same as other people in hospital.

On Friday 17th February 2012 Mencap had sent me one of their monthly news letters, which has always happened in the five years I have been working there including the time I have been out of work from last May to near enough now.
I was shocked to hear that the six deaths have now risen 74 Just because Health professions know very little or nothing at all about learning disability and mental health.

I can't wait to get back to work so I can raise stronger awareness with the people I work with who also have learning disabilities and mental health problems.

Last poems of 2011 to new poems new year of 2012.

Learning disability.

World blind.

You say black.
I say white.
No one is wrong or right.
There's just a misunderstanding of one an other's minds.
That misunderstanding can cause sadness that can take away ones' choice.
Ones' choice of been left out of the rest of the world.
You can do what you want safely without answering to anyone.
You don't feel useless.
You don't feel like hard work to other people.
Despite of the world been blind to me, I'm learning something new everyday.
May be I need more help to learn but I'm not blind in everything.
I still learn the same but different to you. 31.12.2011

Misunderstanding.

Hello, are you there?
Am I speaking to a person?
Can you speak?
No reply, why?
This is never a human?
I can take a while to speak, it may take a while for me take in what you have just said.
Ok, you think I am rather strange.
You must be strange not to give me time to speak.
What are we on about, we have known one another all our lives?
We still can't communicate.
I know I'm your family member, we known one another since we were born.
We still don't know or understand one another. 31.12.2011

You have walked on me.

I am the path.
I am the sand.
I am the sea.
You walk on me or swim inside me.
I am your water to cool you down.
I'm in the middle, you are all round me.
Lying on me.
Standing on me.
You all make the world a bigger place than it seems to be.
You are all over crowding me.
I can't breath.
It's like I can't join or fit in.
You will make fun of me because I can't join in with you all. 31. 12 . 2011


I will be on my own.

I will be on my own.
My company isn't good enough for you.
I am hard work for you.
I need more help than other people.
When no one is there your wondering why I'm alone.
When people are there your wondering why they bother with me in case I am hard work for them.
With the limits of what I can do in my life it's as if I shouldn't have been born.
As if I shouldn't be on this earth.
As if life isn't worth living.
That's where your wrong when I have my creative talents.
What am I doing now?
I am putting my feelings in poetry and words. 31 . 12 . 2011

Someone, something behind me.

Someone, something behind me.
Your moving faster than me.
I'm trying to move as fast as I can to your speed.
Something, someone that seems nasty getting closer and closer to me.
Ok, sorry I am taking up your space.
I have no warnings or reasons why.
Here I am made to feel guilty of putting traps on your lives. 31.12.2011

Change.

Now it's a new year.
I guess changes need to be made.
Changes are big when they are new, even if they are right and happy when they happen.
The old for so long is hard to let go.
Nice to see the new, which can be sometimes hard to get use to.
Some things seem like the end of the world whether they are good or bad changes.
Other things seem like a good idea at the time but bad in the end.
Nothing is known unless it's tried.
Everything seems scarily but may be fun when change is happening.
Some changes don't seem as bad when they have changed.
Tomorrow is unknown.
Wait until tomorrow is here!
The more aware you are the more you think yet shock is too sudden for you.
Surprise is happy for you. 31. 12. 2011

Keeping safe.

Everyone is looking at me strangely.

The red man hasn't changed to the green man.
I'm still standing there in case I'm not quick enough to cross.
People look at me anyway they want.
Not everyone goes by the law.
Some people like taking very risky risks.
No one knows everyone.
Trust is a hard thing in people you don't know. 31 . 12 .2011


Anxiety.

Everything seems worse than what it might be.
Something on the mind until it's all over one way or the other.
Some things never are over.
It seems like forever, it all builds up inside like an animal trying to get out of a cage.
You can't sleep at night.
What seems easy for you to deal with isn't for me.
Yes I know that I am not alone, my thoughts are for others like me and worse off than me.
It may not be a worry in the end but the build up is just too much.
No matter how hard you try to control your Anxiety, it's just not easy.
Stress is a killer on it's own but even more of a killer for people who have stress within them without it.
People with disabilities and health problems find stress to cope with because our health problems and disabilities is a stress for us as it is.
Without writing and art, I would have got myself misunderstood even more, I may have done harm to myself or other people without meaning.
Anger is hard to control due Anxiety. 31. 12. 2011

I'm just me.

I'm not a clever person.
Words just come into my mind.
I just write about what I think about.
I'm just me, there's only one of me.
Like you are you, there only just one of you.
I'm a human being with a career and a life.
I'm nothing and no one special.
I cope alone but I also have the world watching over me. 31 . 12 .2011

Your so wrong.

You think I don't care about your feelings but I do.
I just find feelings hard to show.
The world has too many people and places are hard for me to cope with.
Coping with myself is hard enough.
I never meant to shut you off.
I don't appear what I show.
I appear to hate everyone but I love everyone.
We all need to learn to understand one another a bit more. 31 . 12 .2011


Fears.

People fear how other people are going to be towards them.
It's so easy say and do things that come out wrong.
It's so easy to be unaware of what we say and do.
People don't like the way we seem and sound.
Our words come wrong so unplanned to our thoughts.
People aren't our friends because we seem what we are not.
We always feel bad if or and when we have realised we have or may have upset someone.
Not everything is down to our disabilities we are also our own people just like you are but most our disabilities make us the people we don't want to be. 31. 12 .
2011

Lack of
Communication

Hard to speak ones' mind.
Society controls the mind.
Your month speaks quicker than your mind.
Your pen writes quicker than your mind.
Been unheard and misunderstood is wrong.
You haven't achieved what you were hoping to.
What you said wasn't understood.
Everyone makes fun of what you said and how it appears to them.
You know what you mean they don't. 31 .12 . 2011

Zombie

I'm like a Zombie.
I'm in a dream.
I'm in a world of my own.
I can see a world of people over crowding me.
I feel like a puppet on a string.
Everyone seems to be having a good time.
No worries, I will find my way of having a good time on my own.
I'm just in a dream world.
Where are the people I know?
Left, right or straight on, which way shall I turn?
There are far too many people I don't know.
Too much nose, too many people talking at once.
The world is buzzing around but your in the middle of crowded people as it is in a crowded place. 31 . 12 . 2011

No where to run no where to hide.

There's no where to run and there's no where to hide.
Someone or something is always out to get me.
They don't mean to hurt me, they just want to move faster than me.
It feels like pain even though it's not meant to be.
They are too unaware of my life and too involved in their own.
They move so fast that they are unaware that I'm around. 31 .12 . 2011

Mirror mind.

Mirror mind.
Mirror writing.
When I look in the mirror I see the world, words and letters upside down.
Times are hard money wise.
Most Dyslexia people if not all see everything upside down like the painter who painted Mona Lisa.

No jobs and no money.
Broad out of ones' mind.
Nothing to keep the mind busy.
That's why there's so much anger and crime.
Walking around town window shopping.
We can look but we can't touch.
Looking through shop windows is like looking at ourselves through mirrors.
If the government doesn't wake up to life, we will be all be mentally ill, we'll be all going out of our minds. 31 .12 . 2011

Happy New Year 2012.

20th century is my 21st century are my centuries.
Like all people, I'm not getting younger.
Time should stay forward but age should go backwards so we keep on getting younger.
Never mind many of us stay forever young.
One glass of Champagne is like a bottle of Champagne.
The hangover takes so long to go but New Year is unforgotten. 1. 1. 2012


Look at me!

Look at me!
What do you see?
Mirror writing, painting, drawing, short stories and poetry.
The future is hard to see.
We are looking through darkness all the time.
We can only think how thing will be if they carry on like this.
No money in the world.
Where's the next generation going to be?
It's bad enough now. 2 . 1 . 2012

Everyone is looking at me.

I can only guess what you are all think.
I seem but not look very different to you.
Most of may think I have gone mad.
Others may see me as their best friend.
Others just think I'm ok.
I don't mean to be the person I appear to be.
I mean to sound rude or not interested in what's going on around me.
What I do and say may be hard to understand for you even though I don't mean to be the person you see.
Sorry if I seem nuts, which may not seem very human to you.
I seem stub, dumb and thick to a lot of people but I'm not.
If you don't know me it's hard to understand me.
It can take a long time to get to know me.
Sometimes I can shy away in case I'm misunderstood as a human being.
I'm having to learn not to care what people think and say, which isn't always easy.
I even get things wrong too, I may misunderstand what you think about me.
I may not speak because I'm scared of saying and doing the wrong things to your mind, it won't mean that I mean to be rude towards you.
The world is too big for me and too many people, this is where I find it hard to communicate in anyway at all towards them.
My problem is finding it hard cope with too many things at once. 3 . 1 . 2012


Turned away.

Turned away from school, I felt like running away from school.
It was all a waste of time I wasn't learning a thing.
Turned away from college, no I learned in no time at all.
Turned away from work, yes I was too slow I couldn't do the jobs right.
Turned away from people, yes and no some where ok some weren't.
It was hard to know what was going through their minds because I seemed so different to them but not to look at.
My slowness made them think I wasn't right in the head when really I'm righter in the head then they would ever be.
I proof nothing to them I I proof to myself, I'm creative in putting my thoughts, feelings and etc down on paper. 3 . 1 . 2012

VALENTINE POEMS 2012.

It's hard to cope not to hope.
Most of the time what you love and want isn't good for you.
Hope can give you pain.
Chasing and wishing to have something or and someone you can't have is just dreams.
Just be yourself.
Just get to know yourself all over again.
Learn to like yourself.
Learn to love yourself.
Never give up on the on what you want or and who you love.
Never hope too much, let whatever or and whoever come to you.
Have your space.
Surprises may come if if you don't think and hope.
Discover the world around you.
Be faithful, loyal and true.
Even if your hard work has failed never give up on moving on.
Never work too hard to please someone!
Still be the same person as you are.
Never chase anything or anyone.
No matter how much you love and want, still never hope.
It's better to miss someone than lose someone or and something who and or want is special to you. 12.2.2012

So near so far.

Time is so near yet so far.
Time together is so short.
Time apart is so long that it seems like forever.
No matter how long or short, I love you too much to give up.
Time apart may well be too long but I enjoy every moment I spent with you when I see you.
It doesn't matter how long or short it takes to see you again. 12.2.2012

Forever friends.

Forever friends with love.
Never hope for too much.
I'm here as long as you want me.
I will cope without seeing as long as I have to.
I will be faithful, loyal and true to you. 12.2.2012

Love teaches you as many things as life does.

The mistakes I have made having got far too close to you all those years.
The person I loved so much who I thought loved me so much.
I used to find it to be without you now I can't stand to be in the same room as you.

Now I have learned to be myself again.
I don't give up on my life to please you or anyone any more.
I spend so many years living your life instead of my own.
Little did I realise how blind I was.
I know no one asks you to live some one's life but love can be so hard to control when the feelings are there for someone
Now we have gone from love to like to hate.
I will try my best to not make the same mistake again. 12.2.2012

Time without you.

Even when the sun shines life still seems dull until I see you.
When you shine, you shine brighter than any lights.
I just wait until you brighten turn on the light brighten up my night again .
In the mean time my thoughts about you are inside my mind non stop. 12.2.2010

Love is

Love is like a plant.
Love is like a flower.
Love is like a tree.
Love lasts as long as it's going to unless it's to be.
Until it drys, dies and needs watering again.
Never give up hope just because love has never lasted before.
Never trust hope because nothing is promised.
Never fear love otherwise you will fear everything.
If you fear everything you will never have a life. 12.2.2012

Time.

Time seems like a life time without you.
However long time is that's how long it's meant to be for you and me.
I hope any amount of time is good for you like it is for me.
When time comes we will enjoy our love even more.
When I think about you time can't come slow or quick enough.
When I am about to see you the night is very unknown.
My thoughts are mixed but I never give up because private time together is just a matter of any time.
My feelings don't change no matter what the situations are. 12.2.2012

Now I can see through you.

You may not of loved me as much as I loved you.
How blind was I to love you?
You may not have loved me at all.
You may have stringed me along all these years.
We were both very young.
I may have been too blind to see that your love towards me may have been a lie.
You know I had friends who could see I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
These friends knew how much I really loved you.
This relationship may have been to please them and keep them quite not to please me.
My friends warned me so many times that you were the wrong man for me.
I was far too blind to see.
I was too much in love with you to know what I was letting myself in for.
In the end you hurt me badly.
As years went on I learned to stopped loving you, I even tried to be your friend but then the friendship turned hate. 12.2.2012

So many things so unknown.

Not everything is certain.
There could be so many unknown things you have kept from me all these years.
Yet again I have been far too blind to see.
Rest your case, I may be wrong but I still could be blind.
The door may be closed on the two of us, which I am glad now.
It has took me so long to realise what a bad man you really are.
What's even worse is that you may have kept so much from me that I should have known a long time ago.
I may still don't know and may never know.
Private calls you made in front of my face, I heard every word but never said a word to you.
Texts you send and got back while you had your arm round me.
Only trying to love me when you where drunk.
Building my hopes up that you loved me again when you didn't.
Telling me the next day that you did not mean a word you said to me the night before.
In the end I heard the word sorry too many times to carry on loving you.
I knew if I carried on any longer you weren't going to change, you would just carry hurting me then saying.
" Sorry sorry sorry."
This relationship was based on a drunk lie.

I can't believe I was so mad to love someone whose love was based on lies.
I guess I won't be the first and I won't be the last to put myself in that trap.
Now I am out of that trap moving on with my life. 12.2.2012

Unknown

I look at you knowing how I feel about you and how you feel about me.
Not be able to say a word in front of anyone.
Only you and me know.
The end of the night is unknown to whether we spend private time together.
Now time isn't there, I miss you twice as much.
When time is there I enjoy however long or short it lasts. 12.2.2012

In between lovers and friends.

It may well be a strange friendship.
It may well be a strange relationship.
It gives us time to get to know ourselves as well as each other all over again.
Time apart seems like forever.
Time together seems like freedom but not long enough.
Time together is worth waiting for however long or short it takes. 12.2.2012


You kept on changing your mind.

Your mind games stopped me from loving you after I loved you for so long.
One minute you wanted me next minute you did not, I took that for far too many years.
As the years went on you only seemed to have wanted me when you were drunk.
The next night you were telling me that you didn't mean what you said the night before.
I was sick of you building my hopes up.
I loved you so much but you hurt me too much to love you any more.
If I still loved you now you would have played with my mind like you did before, you wouldn't have loved me at tall.
You just love me because you know I don't love you any more.
You have treated me as your victim not your lover all the years you were with me, I was too blind to see.
All these years your feelings have changed far quick, when I think you never have loved me, you just played games with my mind.
You don't hurt me like you used to because I don't love you no more.
It hurt me too bad too know that the man I loved so much hurt me so much because you didn't love me as much as I thought in fact I don't think you ever loved me at all.
No way do I fall for your games any more because I don't love any more.
It's far too late for you to change your mind now.
You said that you love me and the drink isn't talking, I don't fall for that any more.
I don't go along with your change of feelings any more.
My feelings for you stayed the same for years, then they change three years ago so they will stay the same forever.
I have now moved on with my life in my own time, I don't need you any more.
Why did I ever love you, I should have known I didn't need you? 3.3.2012

Chocolate and love.

Any food is a passion if you love it.
Chocolate is my love.
If can help it I never I have too much chocolate even though I love it.
Too much chocolate sends me dizzy with too much love.
I become greedy then I want more and more.
I'd rather wait until I get to eat chocolate, which tastes better if I don't eat with often. 10.3.2012

Nothing I love loves me.

Nothing I love loves me.
Chocolate
Curry
Men
Beer
When I eat too much curry I'm off to the loo every five minutes.
When I eat too much chocolate the taste is lovely but I go dizzy with a headache and it's bad for my teeth.
When I drink too much beer I get drunk it's fun, it's hang over in the morning that hurts.
Men break my heart if I see them too much. 10.3.2012

Most things you love aren't good for you.

Sugar and sweets bad for the your teeth.
Spice can give you the wind, which can smell everything and everybody away from you.
Time to go to the loo.
I hate going to the dentist as they poke around in your teeth and month.
I love a fried breakfast on a Saturday morning after a skin fall of drinks on a Friday night.
Too much of what you love does you no good.
11.3.2012

Badracue

I see Bardacue bangers on sticks, taste and smell so good.
I feel the hot sun tanning my back.
Now I feel the burning my back I need some cream to cool it down. 11.3.2012

Winter and hot meals.

When the cold days and nights are upon us.
There's nothing more warm and tastly than faggots, mushy peas and a pint of beer.
It's so hard finding the best meal deals.11.3.2012

Month watering.

What am I in a mood to eat today?
I wish the weather was sunny and hot.
I wish I could go to a badacue with bangers on sticks and month watering bardacue sause.11.3.2012