Old and new poetry

To be a female.

She was an unknown character with golden blonde hair, with an unknown name.

She was just a person out of nowhere.

No one bothered her.

Older, she got the less stress she got with feelings unknown.

How long had she been feeling the way she felt?

How she dies unknown.

She was in New York.

She did not find it easy to say how she felt.

The young star of New York back in the day.

The sun was extraordinarily strong as she was tanning very quickly.

She feared her body changing. 17.4.2014 to 24.6.2020

It was so long ago.

It was so long ago since she lay on the beach.

She lost interest in the world around her.

She did not like dirty dull counties she liked counties that were fresh and green.

She drank the coffee on the train on the way to Manhattan.

She walked along with New York City.

She loved New York. 17.4.2020 – 24.6.2020

Change of feelings.

I loved him so long ago.

It took me years to stop loving.

I thought it would never end with us, it lasted so long.

I have not felt anything for years and hope I never will.

I have learned that love can be blind.

I would never build my hopes on anyone now.

My feelings were too out of control. 18.4.2014 – 18.8.2015

Writing comes from the mind.

So little time to write.

So little time to type but it will be on my website.

Now easy to put things into words so readers understand.

Cannot help but fear that my readers may think I write rubbish.

Cannot help but think I do not make myself clear on what I say.

It can be strange how the mind thinks and then I get writer’s blocks.

I am no one special I just write words.

My pen cannot always write in time to my mind or cannot think of anything at all.

I do not always make sense, but I try to. 18.4.2014 – 24.6. 2020  

Life is in bits and pieces.

Nothing is straight forward.

Everything is all over the place.

Things are not always what you except.

However,’ there’s good and bad in everything and everybody.

If everything and everybody was the same what a boring world life would be.

Every day there’s an animal as well as a human in us.

We live and die, change and we are our own people.  18 4. 14 to 23. 6. 2020

Overpowered.

We are overpowered by the government.

How dare they control us and tell us what to do.

However,’ rules are needed but they can only go so far.

Life is how we make it, or should I say at times how we have to make it?

It is not always the case if others make a life for you.

It is not right to have life too easy but not too hard either.

Britain too tight and kind with money.

Money does not buy love, happiness or and it does not grow on trees. 18.4.2014 to 23.6.2020

Writing travel.

Not easy to travel writing.

Easier to write on the plane but hard to see what is out and about.

Need to keep a diary and keep track of what one has done.

With today’s IT, recognize places and study maps.

Easy to think of too much or and nothing at all to a point of a writer’s block. 18.8.2014 – 23.6.2020

Passion for writing.

It takes me a while to think about what I am going to writing.

Once thoughts get out of my mind it is like nonstop.

I have no talent I just have words to say.

Words that do and do not mean a lot but just somehow come out.

My mind goes blank before I write again.

My pen does not always work in time to my mind to a point nothing makes any sense.  2014 – 23.6.2020

On the road again.

On the road to Woodstock New York and the sun is shining.

Woodstock is the history of American 60s bands.

I view the mountains of Woodstock.

Everywhere full of forests, departments, and old trees.

Old winter trees and new spring trees

Green leaves on the trees for the summer.

The deep blue sky.

The long bumpy road. 18. 4.2014

Dyslexic writer.

It is hard to write when the car is moving as I think what to write.

I feel no poems to come or I just end up writing rubbish.

I am Dyslexic, I cannot read and write.

It is just rubbish writing unnecessary to non-Dyslexic people.  18. 4.2014

You have gone out of my mind.

Now it is time to get you off my mind.

Time to move on.

I need to move on.

I have to move on.

I want to move on away from you.

It is far too late for us to love again as you broke my heart again, you cannot keep on walking in and out my life as nothing has happened.

I now have no love for you to go back to you anymore.

I have now had enough time to put the past behind me, there is no point us being together anymore.

My mind is getting stronger and stronger every day.

Now I have realized us parting was the best thing that ever happened.

You only have yourself to blame, you did not take the chance when you had it, which was when I loved you so much now, I hate you so much.

I need to stop myself from writing about you, but I need to write lines to remind myself I do not love you anymore till I feel nothing at all for you.

I must not feel in love with you, the message has been taking years to sink in.

I need to get over the love, I now have so much anger.

I now feel nothing at all for you.

Your loss, my gain, I am going through no more for you and I mean it now. 19.4.2014 – 2019 

Today.

Today will be a good day.

Today will be a warm day.

Whatever the weather there are ways of enjoying your days.

Think about the villages, shops of Woodstock.

The year of my birth.

Jimi Hendricks in Woodstock over 50 years ago.

Brain Jones from the Rolling Stones lost his life in England swimming, what a sad time for the band even though they sacked him for his death.

1969 Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. 19.8.2014 to 23.6.2020 

Let us just say it as it is.

Let us just face the truth even though it may hurt.

No matter what the reason, I cannot keep on giving into your games.

Now is the time to put an end to this by me being out of your life.

I knew sooner or later you would want me back again but then you don’t as you just want to pretend you do to cover up your own guilt, you feel nothing for me at all., I have news for you I feel nothing at all for you either no more and I mean it.

I am well and long out your life now; sorry I have gone for good and met someone else twice the man you are.

Sorry I can’t be friends with you as you hurt me too much to be friends with you, even though I know hate is a stronger word, but I forgave you for far too long.

This may well sound two-faced of me but I would never wish you dead, otherwise, why should I care what happened next but I only hope the next woman you have in your life you treat better than you did me because I guess she won’t put up with as half as much as I did?

You will probably love her a lot more than you loved me which was not all and if you blow it with her, it will hurt you badly if or when she goes out your life like I did but sooner than I did.

What goes around comes around. 29.8.2015 – 23.6.2020

Please tell me why.

I told you that I could not promise we could be more than friends and that I was not ready for a relationship at the time at the time I was facing emotional stress at the time.

I was not still in love with my ex, I was emotionally angry with him.

Not that I did not love you, but I did not want to take out what I had been through from someone else onto you, which was why I did not

consider the relationship.

It was a mistake us trying but you would not take no for an answer and you were not accepting that I was not ready for the relationship.

Now it is too LATE; I am with someone else and I have moved on.

I promised myself I would not give anyone a second chance but again you kept on until you got your own way.

When we broke up the second time that was that for good and still is.

If you would have loved me like you said you did, you would have understood and accepted whatever happened, but you did not.

Just be grateful that I am your friend and that is the way it will always go forever.

Somethings happen for the best; it could have been worse you could have lost my friendship as well. 30.8.2015 – 23.6.2020

Mental health, emotional stress, depression, mental abuse and mental health awareness.

Sorry, there is no easy way for me to write without making myself misunderstood without making any sense to my work and one does not know if readers are finding one’s work interesting or not. Please bear with me as I am dyslexic. I will be honest to say I would like to be a writer but I try not to chase it, I just seem to write what’s going on in my mind, I don’t find it easy to know what interesting what isn’t but I will do my best to do so.

I have just seen a report on the internet about Ted Hughes and Sylver Plate the poets, their daughter Freida Hudge is not happy that her father was blamed for her Mother’s death back in 1963, which I can’t say I blame her.

 Although I faced a similar situation and me admit I thought the opposite now to what I did at the time but now I am glad it was not to be. Of course, when you love someone it’s most heartbreaking if they don’t feel the same but we can’t have things the way we want all the time even though it’s easy said than done when you want someone or and something so much, I haven’t forgotten that feeling.

 I can’t say that I don’t understand how Syler must have felt, I had my times thinking at the time I was going to give up and felt I was going to but somehow I pulled and I’m sorry that most people don’t but I never judge them to say, oh they could have tried harder because I know it’s not easy. Most people who have lived through the depression and emotional stress will say the same, it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A lot of us who pulled through did it without realizing we were going.

This is not an easy topic to talk to about because for some of us things do get better but that’s not easy for those whose lives have not improved and also there are plenty of others out there who are facing it and only just facing, even for those have faced themselves it hard for us to say to those facing because it’s unknown whether or they are going to pull through it or not, all we can do is be there for them the best we can be.

If there’s anything I have learned from my experience is, that you can’t change a person to what and who you want them to be just because you're in love with, as hard as it sounds if they are going to leave the relationship or and go off with someone else they will. I can understand anyone who going through this feeling angry with what I said just, it is hard to believe and understand and you may not believe I have faced what I faced now but yes I did, I just had to learn to accept that he didn’t love me anymore, which was hard and hard for me to believe now because I feel nothing for him now, but then to be he was my word even though I knew he was treating me like dirt but somehow I thought the world him, which is hard to understand why did now but this could be an example many things not just someone you fell in love with then he/ she has left you.

Despite the fact of the state of mind I was in, without planning to I wrote poetry as well as getting counseling which didn’t agree to that at first because I feared that people thought I was round the twist, bend, out of my mind, etc, which I wasn’t and neither is anyone else whose facing emotional stressed, you are just broken hearted over how life is treating you. As much as it’s wrong for a person to break your heart, this is hard to say yes it’s understanding how can feel like giving up and ending it all, it hurts them as hurt just not having anything done with them anymore most so than considering it as a jail sentence because it’s more so a choice someone makes compare to literacy robbing some, murdering someone etc. However’ yes I agree emotional stress can be even hard to come to terms with even when you have walked away from it can take years, saying that no one’s length of time to move on is the same and even when you have it’s still haunting you maybe not as often as it was but still is, this can vary for everyone though and no one will ever know why.

Safety tips and advice for those on our friendship group.

Just to say that some are safety rules as well as safety tips and advice because we care about our members, your safety, and also not everyone knows everyone on the internet.

1. Do not pm and or friend request, anyone, without their permission, if you have not seen, known them, or spoke to them before, unless you added as a friend or and private messaging them already. If someone contacts you, ramdon, out the blue, unexcepted, you haven't been aware and don't want it, please feel free to report it to us but please try to provide proof to us, so we remove the people or person who has done wrong not right.

2.  Free feel reports anything nasty you may face hopefully not with proof we will be able to block and remove the correct person or people responsible, whether this is on the group or private message.

3. Do give out your contact details on the group, which is the rule in case you hear from someone you don't want to hear from and we would advise you to talk to the members on the group at 6 to 12 months of chatting to them, if you them private message advice you not to plan to meet then if you choose to till at least 6 to 12 months of the private message them. If someone contacts you don't except and you have any reason or even proof to believe someone you have given your contact details to has given to them to someone else without your permission, feel free to report it to us with proof. If someone gives you their contact details do not give it to anyone without their permission, if they report you with proof we will block and remove you from the group and any other groups of ours you may be on.

4. If you meet someone on our groups for the first time, we would advise waiting 6 to 12 months from when you started to get to know them online, we also advice make sure you meet them with someone you know face to face for at least six to twelves of meeting them. We advise to give it 18 months of meeting outside each other's homes and offline. We also advise you to keep track of the news lockdown rules as months go. We would advise you to not waste time not planning meeting someone if the government for whatever reason happens to restrict the lockdown rules again, they are been relaxed at the moment but the future is unknown.

5. Just to say our friendship groups are not a dating group but we have no right to control how you guys communicate away from the group. However' if people become more than friends it is fine as long as you have respect etc for others on the groups. Telling everyone and posting pictures is fine if anyone becomes a couple etc but keep private life private etc.

6. Just remember admins are with us to work on the group if you know all or any of our Admins it is fine etc to talk them on the group but try to keep as much as possible off the group. I know it's unlikely this is the case ever will be but if you have personal contact or and you have more than friendship with any of our Admins, please keep as private as possible, same as with members.

7. Please if there's any rules or safety advice other information I haven't written down that's important for us, which could help people to keep safe please let me know, it's not easy to think of everything.

8. The safety rules and advice is very important but the idea of the groups is to enjoy it. It's a general chat group to socialize and make friends with those who want. Okay, I set it up at the start of the lockdown because I was concerned about people lacking friendships but I would like to think the group has a future whatever happens, please feel free to treat it the same as you do everyday life in terms of chatting to people but follow safety rules, feel free to post and chat about for eg; music, film, tv, hobbies, interests, career, etc. Feel free to introduce yourself add a selfie, etc. Remember it's a private group, which means no one off the group sees what you have written people on the group can so only say what you don't mind people knowing is my advice, keep it clean, safe and no nastiness, swearing porn etc.

9. Please respect otherwise leave if it bothers you so much, do not take it out on anyone on the group. Most of the knowledge I have been running disability groups for a lot of people on FB and also I have disabilities and other problems myself. I have been running FB groups ten yrs of music and disability. However' I have had a fair few disability social groups I had and closed cause many members weren't making use of them so I wasn't going to set up another one until total excepted the coronavirus lockdown kicked. I made the group for disabilities and for people without for one the lockdown limiting socializing and for two I have found with my past disability groups that not all that many people on the FB, where many were finding were coming across the same people that were on the other social groups, which is okay but by making a group for people for all walks of life may give people more chance of meeting more people as well. However' if you don't agree with how this is and it's for you and you can't accept it, then leave do not take it out on people on the group meaning everyone as a whole member and admins.

WE ARE WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE ARE.

WE ARE WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE ARE.

We are characters in different ways. 

We are who we and what we are.
We can't choose to be born or to be born.
We can't choose where we are born.
We can't choose who we are born to.
We are not perfect or all negative either, we can only be the best we can be as long we don't create wars, crime, violence, etc.
' However' one country isn't big enough for the whole world to live in and one country doesn't have enough money to keep the whole world. 

Looks at us.

Who are we?

What are we doing here and why?

We are all human.

We are all different because it would be a completely boring world if we were all the same

We are who we are and what we are?

No matter who and what we have, we all have good and bad in us, not simply good and not just bad all different ways.

Some of us are better and bad than others.

Some of us are tall, others in between, others small.

Some of us are fat, slim, in between, thin.

Some with blue eyes, brown eyes and so the list goes on.

Some of us are dark, others blonde hair, and even many more colors.

Some of us in life need more help than others.

Life is not about being nosey we are just full of wondering and full of questions.

Most of us are full of information and others are full of the unknown, or even both.

Some of us love one another.

Some of us like one another.

Some of us hate one another.

We are loved, liked, hated by someone or a lot of people.

Some reasons are unknown, and others are not, whichever we are here in this world until the time is over but all the same, we are remembered to how we were.

The Disabled character.

I am a disabled character

What do you think when you look at me?
Who made me and why?
Is there's a character in me?
Why did you bring this disabled world to me?
My disability may be hidden but believe me, I'm disabled so do not judge me or others like me?

Do not judge anyone at all

Disabled people are as human-like anyone.

Are you seeing the positive as well as the negative when you look at disabled people?

I'm not a poet or storyteller I just write words that mean everything or nothing at all.
You see a human being who is not very wise no more or less than anyone.
Everyone including disabled people and other people should be equal to society. 

No one is completely useless or perfect either.

We are what we are and who we are.

As a human being, I am sitting here still.
I'm a human baby, child, and teenager inside an adult who came into this world just like with or without a reason.
Like you I keep trying to achieve my goals.
Did you ever you used to notice the things I used to do like losing a sock and shoe?
In all of us, there's still that baby and child, dribbling, losing stockings and shoes even though adulthood however young and old we may be.
Do you still see the baby in me? Late 20^th  to early 21^st century

I am human like everyone.

 I am a disabled the person who has or should the right to live my life the same as other people and that is the same for other disabled people too.

Other disabled people should have the same rights too.

I will tell you as the human being sitting here all through my childhood I could not see a brother and sister with me till I was thirteen.
It was the beginning of my teenage years when my baby sister came to me.

No sign of my Father until I was twenty - one all my family was there for me from birth.

When I was a young girl of sixteen, I used to dream of wings underneath my feet dreaming of the man I'd marry, how wrong was I to think such a thing. I was just too blind to see but what will be. Never say there's still time for me but I have also learned not to build my hopes up you see.

When I was twenty - eight I thought my life was over I thought it was too late, even though I was in love with a man who wasn't right for me.
I may go through pain in my life like everyone else but I pick myself up and move on. 

Now I love the man who is for me.

Late 20^TH – 21^ST Century

Time.

I believe I have now met the man who for me
Who knows what the future will be.
When I was a young woman of thirty I thought I'd live a normal life to be.
I thought by the age of thirty I'd be rearing young of my own but now I have seen the world today it's not a safe world for children to be.
Being disabled is stopping rearing children like everyone else I just needed the support that was all.

Not everyone is lucky to have their dream home and lover to be which has taught me not to live in fairy-tale land to be.
I must say I have met the love of my who will bond with me to love forever endlessly.

Now I am nearly fifty the years will be rolling fast.
I have walked out on one man who was not meant to last with me but now I have learned to see what happens when tomorrow's door opens.

Who knows where I will be after fifty, will there be the man for me? Late 20^th – 21 Century

What’s life all about?

My bright and dark future will be upon me, which I am and not looking forward to.

To love I am looking forward but for getting old I am not but hopefully I will get wiser.
Loneliness, no loneliness and old age will give me so much to dread and none at all.
While I'm still young enough I will enjoy the life I have yet.
Old age will not make a fool out of me if that was so what a happy and sad character I would be.
I don't expect people to feel sorry for me, old or young I must enjoy life while I am here.

I want my peaceful body crumbled away with happiness and grace but no pain.
Now and again I will look down from heaven to earth to see the people I leave behind who I remember well.
You must accept the fact that we can't live forever.
So open your eyes god open and see, under that disabled person is an able human being and she is a real character in me.
I will still write short stories, novel, play, and romantic poetry. Late 20^th century to early 21^st century.

We may need to face the facts.

The Coronavirus could be here to say with, but we need to protect ourselves and each other.

The lockdown seems like forever but that does not mean life stops, we just need to health and safety guard.

Keep going with online working and courses.

I just need to keep writing whatever happens.

I have not written much for years but now I need to keep writing every day even when I am able to go back to work again.

I know I am not alone in this Coronavirus lockdown, but neither are you.

That does not mean I am not aware of how serious this Virus is, we did not need this.

Charlies Bukowski you were not alone.

I know what it feels like to feel as if your life is going off the rails.

All I did was smoke, drink and write poetry, which took me alone time to cut down or even stop.

I think I only discovered your work a few years after your death the same time I was inspired with Shelly, Keats, and co as well, which was when I had my Mental breakdown in 1997.

I am yet to discover more of your work and your life, good and bad like all our lives have been.

You inspired me when I was down in myself and you inspire me even now, I have long overcome my breakdown.

Now I have closed the door on you.

I used to think I was too selfish in my own feelings because I was so in love with you but then I realized you never felt the same, you only pretended to.

In the end, I wondered why I ever bothered with you at all, even to write about you.

I was so blind to love you and to love you as long as I did, now I feel nothing for you at all.

This shows how ungrateful you were that I loved you so long.

Now it is too late I do not feel the same as I did for you so that is good, and it means you cannot hurt me no more.

I now love someone ten times more than the man you were and probably still are.

When you read my poetry.

When you read my poetry, you went mad at me because you know it was the truth about you.

You could not stand to know how I felt about you because you did not feel the same.

I don’t think I saw it at the time and if I did I couldn’t accept you never felt the same but I do more than accept it now, I don’t love you anymore either.

Sometimes I wish I never said a word not that it made any difference but now who cares? I do not now anymore.

Yet you said that my words could be songs.

How different you reacted when you say one of my published poems about you but just remember not all my work is about you, a lot is, and a lot is not.

I wish I never had bothered but then I don’t just because I don’t feel the same now doesn’t mean I’m putting my work about you to waste, I just write it the opposite way I did to start with.

The unknown must have scared you know that one day I would change from been soft as a brush to how I am now, I used to let you walk over me but no more.

You cannot play with my mind anymore now I have walked away from you.

 I never saw the light.

No one seemed to agree with my thoughts and as years went on, I saw the light that I was wrong and they were right.
For twelve months my head was just in the sand back between my hands from 1996 to 1997.
All I saw was a dark tunnel each hour, minute, second of every day.
No light never seemed to come my way.
Loneliness was just a cloud as couples walked passed, therefore I thought this wouldn't happen to me again.
That's how I thought my life was going to be.
Found for me to make one hard choice to love or loneliness but then I found it hard to get too close again.
I lost all trust in everyone but felt so bad for feeling this way.
I spent a lot of time worrying that I would meet the wrong person and get myself hurt again.
As right or wrong people may be, it's best to let people in these states of mind are themselves, in their own time some may see the light.
If you ask me what I think I will tell you but I will never tell you what and what not to do.
I will be there for you and I will never judge you, I know what this feels like, I have been there myself.
How can I love without been blind I used to ask myself?
I went through this fear for such a long time.
I had no trust in anyone at all yet I felt so bad about.
Therefore I left people to carry on talking and telling their thoughts, which I was blind to.
I used to think I may as well live my life in sin because I feared of getting hurt again.
Now I wouldn't say I'm one hundred percent me again but I'm ten times better than I was then.
Oh yes back then I wouldn't think I would be where I am today, which is why I would never say to anyone you will get there, I listen, understand, and let them make their own choices. 11.12.2017

Risking a long road without realizing it.

 I wrongly let my feelings get in my way and I should have controlled them.
Therefore I feared and took the risk for someone I loved at that time and now I hate him.
If only I was braver I would have saved myself extra pain.
I took the risk knowing he was going to break me again but then realizing he didn't in the end because I fell down and got back up again ten times stronger than what he did.
I took him back, we spent seven years together, what a big the mistake that was because my love was far too strong towards him to turn him down.
This time I knew whatever it took I had to start to walk away before he hurt me ten times as hard as he did before.
I started to walk away slowly for a month in spite of my feelings.
In a few days, I started to feel nothing for him, which I couldn't believe after 13 and a half years on and off.
 It was a great weight off my shoulders but it still took six years till I was out of his life altogether because I was great friends with his Mum.
 Only after she died I walked away from him for good
He couldn't make up him his mind whether he loved me or not so,  therefore he didn't love me at all.
As time when on he kept on saying sorry, he kept begging me to take him back, I kept on saying no. 31.12.2012

This is not a cry out for help.

This is not a cry out for help.
This is not seeking attention, we are just making you aware of our conditions.
This is a very down feeling with or without a reason.
No one wants to feel like they do.
No one wants to take how they feel about others.
No one wants to leave others in sadness.
Just when you feel like this, life feels painful to live but it doesn't mean you want to leave the world to grief.
We are not nuts, it doesn't make us suffer worse than others the way you may think we think, we just cope in a different way to you.
We would say if we really truly knew why ourselves, it may well pass but then it comes back, we are up and down which can happen to anyone but we are just more so often than, those who do not face Mental Health.
We are not asking for the world, we are asking to learn and understand about us. 30. 12.2016

Misunderstood.

So you think I am all black and white sorry to disappoint but you are wrong, we can be quite bright when we see the light.
There's more to me and others the same or not much different to me.
We are always what we sound and appear to be.
Just because you may see us laughing and smile, doesn't mean we feel the same inside.
We are not fake people and we are not attention seekers either.
Feelings of emotion can vary from time to time and or person to person, not all people manage their conditions the same.
It may depend on the people and situations around us.
Not everyone faces and reacts to life the same.
Mental Health is hidden, it's not a lie.
It's not something we decide to be ourselves, it just happens and nobody knows why.
We are not fake, we are real but sensitive people. 3012.2016

Every day I ask myself.

What happened?
Why did it happen?
When did it happen?
If only I knew because I feel that you would be at peace if I did so would I?
No reason is good enough you should be here.
Doesn't how you felt about me, I loved you and I always will.
However you felt about me, I would sooner you would be alive than where you are now.  30.12.2016

Drinking and poetry.

Through been over tried and drinking emotions tend to get taken out on the wrong people, which should wait to be written on paper.
It's not poetry, it's just words that have come out of my head, words of emotions.
I haven't been sleeping right since you left this world with all these questions I can't answer coming into my head.
I haven't taken sleeping pills, I have drunk instead only huge amounts now and then.
I sit at my computer desk with words pouring out my head that don't make any sense, then it goes blank as I wonder what to write. 30.12.2016

No point.

It seems life is not worth living when you weren't meant to be here in the first place.
Sorry to be so sad, take no notice of me it's just wrong the feeling of opinion I had.
I don't feel like anyone.
Who are you?
I may as well not be here at all.
Sorry, to feel this way I just want to end it all.
Sorry, it was just what I was feeling at the time when I wrote these lines. 30.12.2016

Words are words.

Say good or and bad words about I don't care.
They are words, they don't hurt me.
Do whatever you like me, I will leave this earth as a door mat.
I will fall down and get back up again.
I am used to people treat me how they want, I don't care how they treat me anymore.
If others think I am a laughing stock so what I'm as strong as an ox. 30.12.2016

I keep feeling the need to do it.

I keep feeling the need to do it but I haven't got the guts.
Too scared of heights and I don't think I am strong enough.
If only I knew why I feel the way I do.
Open the window and let me fly to the sky.
Life is a pain and sadness, I don't feel selfish to do it but I feel guilty and ashamed that I feel this way.
30.12.2017

Depression.
Depression isn't all sadness.
Depression isn't all black and white.
We not nuts or neither are we not completely sad or completely happy either, we just want to be heard and understood.
Depression isn't all one feeling to what it says by the sound of the word Depression.
Depression you can be feeling very up and down more so than people without Depression.
Please don't judge what you don't understand or know!
We are all positive as well as negative people.
The same the other way round, just because we may laugh, smile or and etc doesn't mean we necessarily do feel that way inside ourselves, many of us feel very sad side.
How we show ourselves can be very different from what feels inside but not always the case, it can vary so much from time to time and or even person to person.
Little is show because it's so very hidden as far as the condition itself is concerned.
You could have the greatest life in the world yet feel the unhappiest person in the world yet have the worse life in the world and be the happiest person in the world, which can vary from person to person,  from time to time or any way round.  29.12.2016

You were all in my mind.

You were all in my mind.
You were all in my head.
Writing poetry has been like writing lines in school.
I must get you out of my mind and head.
You have seen to be with me for so long even after I finally walked out of your life altogether.
You seemed as if you were going to be with me forever, I never thought I'd get rid of you and I never thought I ever wanted to get rid of you.
Now it's as if I have been sleeping these years with you in my mind and head, it's been all a dream and a nightmare.
Now I don't think about you anymore and now I don't think you are real anymore.
Now to me, it's as if you are this monster who has been eating away at meal

l these years and now you have gone away, you are just not here anymore and finally, I am free from you.  29.12.2016



Never thought it would end.

I once went off the rails because of you, I never thought the pain would end.
Every day seemed like a big effect to keep myself living and going, I never thought I was going get by but I did, with counseling and poetry I made it through in the end without you.
I never thought I'd see the light at the end of that black tunnel, which seemed so far away.
Every day seemed so scary and I never thought I'd get through.
I never thought I'd feel the same without you.
I never thought I would be pleased to be without you.
I never thought I would make it without you in the end. 29.12.2016

If only I did it sooner.

I only I left sooner and if only I didn't love you for so long.
I only I felt stronger to walk away from you sooner but then in the end, I did.
Still, although it wasn't nice at the time, the harder time you gave me, what you didn't realize was the stronger you made me.
Now I can move on without you on my mind.
It took me so long to get where I am now, now it's as if I never knew or saw you.
You thought you knocked me right down, okay you did but I got back up again.
You never thought you would be sad to lose me but you are because you begged to get me back when you realized you were wrong to let me go so what goes around comes around.
I don't like revenge but if it's necessary it doesn't do you any harm to see what it's been like to be on my side of the coin, does it?
How long did you think I was going to let you walk over me without me realizing I was?
How shocked were you when I could walk away and live without you being in my life?
You don't like to see the change in me and you don't like the truth do you?
The truth hurts you so don't beg me like a dog for another chance because you will get nowhere with me!
Sorry, I won't do it again!
Let's not go there pretending you're someone you are not.
How many chances do you want?
None with me.  29.12.2016

You go by what you see.

You go by what you see.
Also so much his hidden in the condition so don't judge what don't understand what you don't know!
Therefore you misunderstand us for someone we are not.
You stare at us as if you think we are nuts.
You react to us as if we are not there.
Hello, we are there.
We have thoughts and voices like everyone.

In my own world and in my own words.

I was like the only child to start with.
When you came into the world we were like miles apart but you brought a lot of joy into my life, that I know at times I found it hard to show.
Now you are a great Mother raising my two lovely nephews.
There have been so many changes that we never thought would happen from when You were born when I was 13 to now. 29.12.2016

I am me no matter how hard I find it to change.

I try not to be a dreamer but I seem to be.
Being romantic can be a good and a bad thing because you can easy hope too much.
Not easy to balance the good with the bad.
Not good when you want to write and you can't think what to write.
Once you start to think, your pen can't write in time to your mind, please forgive my untidy handwriting when that happens, which is why I mostly type. 29.12.2016


Just a feeling with or without a reason.
Just a feeling with or without a reason why even then no one really knows why.
For some of us, it comes and goes with no in-between.
For others, it stays where it is unknown to the reasons why most of the time.
Just accept anything, everything off anybody and everybody.
We are just human with things we can and can't control. 29.12.2016

Do not get me wrong.

Don't get me wrong, not everything is down to Mental health, we know that.
Most of it is down to being misunderstood.
Yes, I agree we all have faults. 29. 12. 2016

Managing feelings.
Art, crafts, hobbies, interests, talents or and etc is a great way of managing Mental health but it does not work for everyone, even counseling or both. 29.12.2016

Take me as I am or not at all.
I am happy one minute but not the next.
Sometimes there's no reason for it, other times there is.
It's just a feeling side me that can change from happy to sad then sad to happy.
No one is to blame either way. 29.12.2016

Will the sad feeling ever end?


Mental health isn't always a sad feeling, we go through times of feeling happy and sad just like everyone but the difference is how often we do to those you don't face Mental health.
The sad feeling can last however long or short it going to be but to us, it can feel like long even if it's short because it can be the unknown.
You can feel the way you do with or without reason and no one really knows why it's just the feeling inside the person.
Anxiety can link with Depression because you worry, panic or and even fear over things that most don't seem to be as bad as what they do seem.
In the time sadness, it's hard to have faith and positive in yourself until somehow, someway that feeling passes but then you wonder whether or not you going to get through, which is why you may be saying things you wouldn't say and even do in a happy state of mind.
It can vary from time to time and even person to person.
Never think those who suffer from Mental health is how life will end, it will either will or won't the same with disability too. 29.12.2016.

I was breaking down.

I think I am having a breakdown I can feel someone pushing me over the edge.

Oh God helps me, I thought!

It seemed as there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt as if I was cracking up and I didn’t know where to turn.

I felt weak and useless as if I didn’t want to live anymore.

I didn’t know where to go for help.

Was it all in my mind or was I really breaking down?

I couldn’t see what was ahead of me.


Is there a voice in my head telling me right or wrong?

God help me, I think I thought I was going to die!
I've been down this road before, I will fight it, I will cope again.

I did not feel up to eating and sleeping, I felt weak.

I knew I needed to pull myself together one day but when was the question, but I got there in the end.

One day I realized I was stronger than I thought.

I wasn’t getting any younger but I got through the fight on my mind.

I never thought I’d see myself where I am today, I’m a much happier girl, I never thought I’d make through even though I never thought I would at the time.  21.2.2000 – 22.6.2020