It was all in my mind.

I was the only child for 13 years.

Even though I could read and write I could never take anything in but then my head was full of thoughts or no thoughts at all. Having been the only child for 13 years as well having disabilities and health problems I didn’t feel equal to the rest of the world.

Every new term or every holiday after the weekend, teachers always asked us to write in our rough books what we did during our breaks from school I could never always remember, only things I enjoyed the most.

You know that English has always been the worse and my favorite subject to me because I either have too much to say for myself or nothing at all.

As a child due to heavy medication I was in a world of my own, my learning abilities were affected and I had no danger awareness.

One Monday morning came to school a holiday or weekend break. I was asked as normal to write about what I didn't’t over the break but my mind was compliantly blank but I wasn't allowed to write nothing at all but then I really wanted to write something. It got me into trouble but then I would have been in worse trouble if I said nothing at all.

The story goes like this, my Grandmother Letty was my Mother, my Mother and my Aunty was my big sisters, I had a made up big brother Ben, made up little brother Tony and made up little sister Susan. All these strange thoughts came into my head.

Letty my Grandmother as my Mother had her real name. Aunty Vicci as my big sister had her her real name, my Mother as my big sister had her nick name Sam. Made up Sister Susan her hair was black but she wore pigtails in her hair and a little red plain dress. Made up Brother Tony wore brown shorts, cream tee shirt and he had short straight brown hair.

I forgot the story I wrote, it was over thirty years ago but I can still see my teacher in my head today, her name was Miss Coal. She may not have been as old as she looked. Miss coal was old to me. Sorry that morning I didn't  tell the truth in my story because I didn’t know what to write. Like I said I would have been in worse trouble I would have wrote nothing but as it was I was in enough trouble.

Even today I can still see Miss Coal’s curly hair, her cracked, wriggled face. She was most likely in her fifties at the time but she looks as old as ninety to me. She wore what I can still see is and was a brown and cream dog tooth coat, which I find it hard to take off my mind, which a lot of years ago give me nightmares plenty of times.

Lucky I had this idea for this story because I had a dream the night before I wrote it if you know what I mean, which I will go into very soon. Due to been a child with possible very mild Autism I was very much misunderstood but then this story is fiction and nonfiction.

“Sara Gorman, why can’t you tell the truth?” said Miss Coal raising her voice so loudly.

“Sorry Miss, I didn’t know what to write.”

She asked me how could forget what I did over the break but then I couldn't answer but then she couldn’t understand how I could forget.

“Sara, I don’t believe you.”

I thought to myself if I didn’t write anything at all you wouldn't like it either so I wouldn't be able to win either way. May be it’s not true or partly true but I had to think about this one very hard. OK I admit it was story based on a dream, I wrote in my rough book but it’s based on some truth facts. I also admit that I had very strange thoughts running through my head.

We lived in a random 200 year old Farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, five to seven archers of ground with a duck poud of random drake ducks. For the size of our family it was a handy family home.

I remember my big sister Sammy driving me to school and back home in this random red mini but our home car park was really large, big and round. It was five to seven miles from the home to the nearest shops. If there were any bus routes they were miles apart by a guess.

The hot boiler water tank and heater was non- stop heat and water through the winter. It must have cost my parents a lot of money. They also had the coal fire roaring with heat, which heated the entire house.

I never forget the grey three pence leather sweet in the living room, pale blue carbert, walls and ceiling.  The television was a black portable television; there weren’t any DVDs and video players and computers which at that time unknown.

I remember me, Susan and Tony playing frustration, operation, snakes and ladders. We were happy children. Computers would have been far too much choice for us because we never knew about any such thing.

Time to go up the wooden hills, the years our bedrooms were damage. It had been years since we may have remembered what our childhood bedrooms looked like.  We only remember going to bed every night at 10.00pm, which were freezing. The bedroom walls and ceilings were dull, white mattress, sheets pillows and black blankets.  In those days there were no double glazing windows. It didn’t mean anything to us because we didn’t know any other life. Centre heating was unknown to our generation.

The confusion has always been is that my Grandfather as my Father Ramsey had made us from rich to poor. He spent his money wild on betting and drinking but strangely he was such a hard worker. We’d dread hearing come drunk as he beat our Mother, as we put the black blankets over our heads. When my Mother first met him he started off as a tall, dark and handsome charming young man until she married him to find out different. Mum never had to work at first but over the years she got poorer. After the divorce after twenty years of marriage she couldn’t afford to keep that big house. This was a big disappointed to my Mother because my dad built her hopes up so high on the house.

I am hurt that I wasn’t able to see that my Mother was completely happy after what a rough life she had. Even after her divorce she had lost in men. All the same her world wasn’t completely black and white because she made a lot of nice friends in work and things.

The truth is that my Grandmother was a lovely lady but she had such a rough life.

If anyone deserved happiness she did. My Nan loved my Granddad dearly to start off with. Like I said in the story he was tall, dark handsome and charming but after marriage my Nan found out his true colours, which were very nasty and selfish. I myself only wish I could have made her life happy because I don’t believe that she was ever truly happy, even though she made nice friends and she had us as her family.

 I know she thought the world of me; she always looked out for me and her other Grandchildren as well as children.

This story is based on a lovely lady who deserved a better life than what she got.

I myself was never completely happy until my little Holly was born. Now nearly thirty –one years on Holly is having a baby boy so I am going to become an Aunty, which is great news.

  

Update on Anxiety, Depression,Stress,panic,Attacks ADHD, Epilepsy.

All these mental health problems can get confused because there's not  much different to one another. I guess I could have either one to all of those as I have suffered from either one to all for forty-four years now, which is from birth.

Through the side affects of my medication Phenobarbital I was put on as a baby and child, which caused me to be moody and hyperactive. The moods could come on any time due to the fact I found it hard to sleep at night I was over tired. Yet strangely the day time I was dreamy, in a world of my own and unaware of the world around me. For example even at the age of twelve I was a danger hazard to cross the road.

I couldn't pay attention in my school work. I was always classed as thick, lazy and told I’d never get along in life.  I think at that point of my life I was suffering from ADHD.  I left school believing I wouldn't get anywhere in life. I left school believing at first that I would not get anywhere in life but then I was more glad to leave school. Near enough every school I went to I faced bullying, rape and sexual abuse from a lot of children in the schools.  From after I left school twenty – seven years ago I have proved myself wrong by achieving the things I have said I have achieved like the exams I have passed  in college, the awareness of learning disability and mental health, Advocacy, short stories and poetry which is all on my website sararevealed.blogspot.com/ email sarajgorman@gmail.com.

Never the less these health problems are not much different to one another. Anxiety is a feeling of anger, panic and fear whether a person has a reason to feel that way or not. Depression is a feeling of sadness whether a person has a reason to feel sad or not. Epilepsy and panic attacks are not that much different to one another either. Worry is connected to stress which is anxiety when a person gets upset easily.  Can all those health problems be linked or and even be misunderstood?  

How can these health problems be not much different to one another?

A fit and a panic attack are both to do with the nevus system, which people can very easily confuse one with the other. This can also be confusing for the person who is facing the fit, panic attack or even both. For example what I have faced.

·       Headaches

·       Dizziness

·       Choking or even a sense of choking, it’s a feeling as if someone has got their hands round my neck.

·       Electric shocks, pins and needles through my spine arms and legs.

·       Shaking

·       Going hot and cold

·       Fully aware of what’s going on.

This is an example of how all these things can get confused with one another.

Anxiety.  A sense of panic, fear and or anger whether there’s a reason or not. Like all health problems it can depend on how we manage the health problems. Those of us like me who have had these health problems manage them in a different way than what we did to start off with.

As it’s possible I may have had ADHD as a child it could be possible it could be a major form of Anxiety. Most children pull a screaming and kicking temper paddies in town for example at times but it can depend on how often. If this happens to your child a lot and I mean a lot then they may need to get checked and diagnosed. Something may be happening your child may not be able to explain also they may be in fear that you may not understand. May be they don’t know themselves, which can be very furstraighting this can also be fearful and scary whether there’s a reason to be or not. ADHD can be some form of Autism as well.

A mild form Anxiety can be the same as major fearing things are worse than what they are but can be in different ways.  For example different people you different thing on one thing a person may want to know so that person may get easily get confused.

Most people may get upset easily upset caused by negative situations such as a death of people they know or they may a relationship break up which we all have to face but we all get affected in different ways. Some people come to terms with these things quicker than others but people with health problems and disabilities mostly tend to be more sensitive and tend to be slower to come to term with these kinds of issues.

Some people can be also nervous of exams and even taking their driving test for example. This can depend on how often a person is nervous and may be depending what situations they are nervous of. People can get nervous over negative and positive things which can be a sense a fear, excitement, whether something is going to be good or bad news like exams for eg;

Some people have fears of forgetting things mainly when it comes to important things. Even if you have got things ready before hand you want to make. You fear just in case you forget something important. In fact people who suffer from Anxiety are likely to forget less time than people who don’t have Anxiety cause we are always worrying about forgetting. In fact what we have to remember is always on our minds until whatever event is over. You are saying to yourself, have I remembered it when you get there where you are going and whatever you need whatever for.

Anger is part of Anxiety. Anger is a feeling you get whether there’s a reason or not. It can be a feeling of anger, worry, stress and tension yet all of those things can just happen. This is because those things are linked to Anxiety. This is where we need exercises to loosen our muscles up but this may not work for all of us. It’s possible that all these words like anger, worry, stress and tension get confused easy because there’s not much difference between the meanings of the words. When we face these feelings it tends to feel the same feeling. These feelings don’t need a reason to happen.

Depression.  It’s the same with depression a feeling of sadness that comes on whether there’s a reason to be sad or not.

 It’s hard to know whether these health problems are illnesses or conditions, I don’t anyone knows for such.

One always says that’s it best to keep the mind and body busy but that works for some people not for others. Many people tell people who suffer from Anxiety and depression that it’s all in the mind.

In my case I can go from losing interest in what I am normally interested in to climbing the walls when I have nothing going on in my life. I can feel angrily, sad, down, stressed, depressed, worried and etc for a reason and no reason at all.

I have so many thoughts in my head I very rarely talk about or I don’t talk about them at all such as feeling as if life isn't worth life. I try very hard to fight those thought, which isn't easy. It could be for the silliest reasons or yet again no reason at all. Professions advice this that and the other but these things are there to try. What works for one person doesn't for the other. That could mean exercises, diet and many things that may keep the mind and body busy.

Like for example for me and for those of you who have read my website will know my poetry helps my Anxiety and Depression in the sense of anger and sadness, when comes to relationship break ups for example or someone who I know who has died.