2017 TO 2018 POETRY.

Can't bring me to say.
Can't bring me to say, can't seem to fight the way I feel about you away.
I shouldn't feel the way I do about you even though there's no shame doing so only that I don't really know you.
Only that I'm a number of years old than you.
No way it can be possible we live so far away.
I wouldn't force you to feel the same about me as I do about you.
Take no notice of me, my problem to live with not yours.
You don't have to be so easy going about this if you don't want.
If I write as I do I may learn to live with the way I feel and hopefully for both our sakes it will pass.
Can't risk such a great friendship we have yet I can't bring myself to tell you how I really feel either.
How silly am I, I haven't even met you.

It thought I failed your love but you failed mine. 

Why didn't I walk about from you a lot sooner than I did?
I loved you so much so I thought, now I hate you so much I wouldn't be able to stand to be in the same room as you.
I used to think you would change for the better but you never did.
Only thought that I loved you.
Don't know what got over me, I must have been so mad and so out of my mind.
Back 2003 I had feelings for someone else as well as you but it didn't last, nothing happened and before long it soon passed.
No way was I getting myself down to your level of being a cheat and lier.

I never saw the light for a long time. 

No one seemed to agree with my thought at the time so I kept them to myself, thinking now who can blame them?
Twelve months of going mad and putting my head in the sand all because of one man that was you.
Now I ask myself why I broke down so low with my head between my legs and knees.
All I saw was dark for such a long time with no light at all, like a train going through a dark tunnel where there's no end of the line at all.
This is how I thought was always going to be to a point I couldn't stand to be alive anymore.
Now I look at me I'm glad I saw it through and I'm glad I never let you beat me, I'm still here to tell what happened and how I was feeling so I can close the subject, get you out my mind together and get on with my life.
Found it hard to make the right choices for me and love and trust was hard to feel for anyone else but trust me now, it's getting there slowly even now after the amount years without you in my life.
Although I didn't realize it at the time I see the light now.
I spent time worrying I would fall in love with the wrong person again like I have fallen for so many wrong people but also hated the loneliness as well.
Now I'm just trying to learn to live whatever happens in my life to a point I have lived with it too long to notice.
If anything I moved to someone else far too soon because people were going on how silly I was so wrapped up in my thoughts about you but then he was as bad as you and he failed my love too.
My love was just as strong for him as it was for you to a point I got hurt yet again, how mad I was to listen to others but then it's hard to tell if they are right or wrong.

I'm there for you.

I have been there myself so I will be there for you, friend, lover whatever and whoever you want me to be but I'm just myself like you are yourself.
I would never judge your situation, I will be there for you if you want me too.
 If you ask my opinion I will tell you what I think but I will never tell you what to do.
I'm looking out for you however you may feel for me.

I want to try and get it right this time. 
How can I love without being blind?
To me, it's happened all my life but I'm not alone.
I went through fear and lost trust for such a long time.
For years now I have just let people carry on taking, they can carry taking forever all I care now.
I used to think I may as well live my life in sin because I was in fear I'd get hurt again.
Surely one day I will get it right if I love again, surely I can't fail all my life.

Late night snow.

Late night snow but there we go.
Only time will tell how long it takes to go.
We can only think twice as the cold starts to freeze into the morning light.
Dark, dull, grey winter not a bright of light in the sky.
Turn on the light without a fight as the cold air and the frost bites and not a shade of sunlight.

It seems so far away or not at all.

Never judge what it's like for people because nothing is the same for everyone.
I felt darkness that I thought that would last forever more.
I was amazed as time moved forward, after all, then I saw the light coming my way, there I was out of the dark into the light.

You don't beat me.

Stick and stones don't break my bones, your words will never hurt me no more.
Anything you do or say will ever throw me.
What you put me through will never kill me like I thought it would.
Don't creep back to me because you will never thrill me or impress me no more, I only used to think you did.
I feel nothing to for you and neither of us owes one another anything.
Now you need to leave my mind alone, there's no start, no end, and no goodbye.
You were just a dream that turned into a complete nightmare.

Anxiety going through my mind.

I lay asleep to wake up to snow so deep.
The clouds and the sky was dark and grey for the day,
Trees blowing in the heavy wind as the snow blowing.
The winds were high into the moonlight, sun shore bright with shining stars as the day became night.
I blew my kite with such a fright with the wind of the night.
Thunder and lighting came with such a flight with flashes of light.
There was darkness then there was light, which was a wild sight into the night.

Me as I was, me as I am now. 
I was just a child with wild long hair that blew in the wind.
Now I'm just grey as can be.
Now tiredness is hitting me with the cold and the wind.
I once ran up the hill and sprained my ankle when I was ten, I couldn't do it now.

Winter days and nights.
The skies are winterly, silent and grey.
Everywhere comes to a standstill of the winter, wind and cold with handy any people around.
Short grey days and long dark nights as the moon and the stars don't shine brightly.

Not an easy one. 

Sorry I feel for you as I do, never mind I'm a big girl now, I will learn to live with it.
Yes I know you don't feel the same too and I know I should do but I'm trying not to.
Yes, I know so wrong but we don't know could be so right, that we will never know as we live so far away from one another.
Yes I know I shouldn't expect you to feel the same way about me as I do about you, slap my hand lol, I very naughty so sorry but I can't help what I feel inside myself.
How silly for me to feel this way.
Just take no notice of me.
I'm just a silly old fool, nothing against you just silly hoping to have who I can't.
I'm no liar, no cheat yet for what you have got through I don't expect you to believe or trust that but I'm not saying that to get you.
I'm saying what I say because it's true, I'm a victim of cheats and liers too and if I'm honest I'm still even now finding it hard to trust but yes I love someone in my life to love and trust just like you but it doesn't necessarily mean one another.
I shouldn't feel as I do cause I have someone in my life who loves me for me and the other way round.
I don't want to give in to me because it's just a feeling I have inside.
I really love him too and I will never leave him, lie or cheat on him, no matter how I feel for you.
Hope one day you will meet someone special too.
Sorry to tell you my thought it's me who needs to live with them.

Your number one.

Your number one an don't you forget that.
I feel so bad for feeling for someone else but nothing has gone on and nothing ever will.
Hopefully, soon it will pass.
He's not interested and he lives so far away.
This is no fault of yours or his just me, it's only feelings nothing has happened.
He lives too far away for anything to happen.
Even though I handy see you, you are still my world.
I have no need to throw nearly nine years of friendship, relationship, and passion away I have had with you whenever possible.
There's no one else but you and that's the truth.
I've been through it myself too much I just couldn't do it to you, I love you so much.
You have nothing to worry about no way am I seeing him and no way I want to see him in that way at all.
Sorry, I must train my foolish mind.
Yes I know I must fight this feeling I have for him but it will never be in action.
At my age, I should be more mature and should know better shame on me.

I need to leave you alone. 

I need to leave you alone please don't be mad at me, just a feeling I have for you that can't be put into action because we live so far away from one another.
Yes I know I'm just a silly old fool, you don't need to tell me but you must think I am.
I need to live with and get over the way I feel about you.
Take no notice of me.

What happened to you?

What happened to you, If only I knew?
If only you could tell me.
All the time I ask myself the same question but never get any answers.
Yes' I know we wouldn't have got back together, you don't have to tell me that, all the same, we would have been great friends.
All the same, it's never been the same without your bright smiling face and crazy sense of humor.
Who would have thought we would have lost you so soon?
It makes no sense at all.
What I think is not necessary right, I know you never got over the love of your life, which isn't me.
Words can't explain how mixed my emotions are with you.


Poetry to the end.

So it's been so long since I wrote to you, had so much going on so hard to fit in.
Another year has ended and another year has started.
Another year older but hopefully another year wiser.
My handwriting is so bad as for why I type.
I feel so stuck in the mud with these dark snowy days and nights.


I'm tired.

I tired the night ends now.
No matter what you may think I'm not waiting now.
I'm just writing poetry to see the night through.
Whatever you do or don't want I will go along with you.
Just go ahead I'm off to bed, no more waiting for the green light.
I'm yet to see what happens next tomorrow.
So what you think I'm just me.


Not poetry just words and thoughts.
No poetry, no talent, just words, and thoughts.
I'm just me looking to the future to be.
If only I could what could come to me.
This isn't poetry just words in my head coming out my month on paper.


Just wanting to talk.
 Don't worry not trying to get with you, just wanting to talk to you.
Not trying to force you into anything you don't want.
Just want to be your friend.
If you don't want to talk I understand.
If you think I don't understand then I accept that even though I know how I feel but your feelings count too.
I know what it feels likes to feel lonely but then frightened to love again, trust is hard to have again.
Don't be afraid to talk to me only if you want to otherwise I will understand.
Sorry If I made you feel uncomfortable before, just concerned that's all.
It's not a problem if you don't reply unless you want to.
Been there myself and I know it's not easy.
It's not a nice feeling to not want to be alone then want to be alone.
Not sure about you but I felt there was never any winning what I did and didn't do.


Too late now.

You have never said before, no I have walked out that door and there's no going back.
Sure by now you know that but I'm trying more so to get you out of my mind.
I can only say that you played games with my mind whether you love me or not and no way I'm I putting on anyone what you did to me.
Now I have discovered a better life without you.
I wasted so many years loving you when little I realized you didn't love me at all or is it that you didn't know how to love me at all.
Therefore for you poisoned my mind and my brain saying you loved me when you didn't, how could you lie to me how you did?
Didn't know which way to turn only to learn to stop loving you, which I now have learned.
You don't and don't even want to understand how I felt but I had to learn to understand why you didn't feel the same yet when it came to the other way round different story.
You may have given me a lot of pain but then a lot of talent.

Too scared of saying the wrong thing. 

I couldn't but see that you felt used, cheated on and lied to by past lovers, I'm just concerned about you and I know I have been through the same.
Not trying to force you into anything you don't want because that's not me, I'm not that kind of person.
Guess this is hard to believe cause it's silly and we don't know one another in person.
No matter how I feel I'm asking no more than other to be your friend.
I'm not saying it for the sake it just that I know that I'm true to my word as I can be.
Sorry for been norsely but no way do you deserve to be hated and hurt.
Feel free to talk to me if you so wish.

How long is this feeling going to take to fight?

It feels so wrong yet so right and no way do I expect to feel the same about me as I do about you.
Sorry if I'm living in a dream, which doesn't seem right at my age.
It doesn't seem the right thing to do but yet it could be so hard to know.
I have no rights to make you feel the same yet I don't want to make you feel the same because I respect however you feel.
I must control those feelings shame on me.
For what I see you are a very nice guy.
I need to deal with the feelings I have for you.
How dare I feel the way I do.
I just can't expect you to feel this way too.
Hate myself for feeling like I do but nothing whatsoever against you.
Only wish how I feel would go away but all the same, I would never hate you.
I think writing like this is the only way to deal with accepting I can't have who I want in my life. which feels like should be you but should be you as strange as it may sound.
I'm torn between the feelings I have which are totally embarrassing on my part.
I know for sure I'm no liar, I'm no cheat I just feel the way I feel but there's no action and nothing to hide, torn between you and someone else in my life, which is why I wish I could fight this feeling inside of me.
How silly of me don't want to be greedy and don't want to hurt anyone.
How cowardly of me, shame on me.

20 years of published poetry to poetry of 2017.

THE HOMELESS YOUNGEST MINDS.

Nobody in my family loves me.
I know I could have been very naughty, but there is no need for my family to kick me out on the streets.
I am very frightened to go back home, but I know my family doesn't want me.
I know I made a big mistake in thinking I could cope to find my own home, I just wanted to be an adult far too quickly.
I realize now I was wrong thinking I could cope.
I can't find any food to eat, but bits and a piece of bread.
I am sleeping on the hard street floors, but some nights I sleep in cardboard boxes.

THERE ARE SO MANY LONELY PEOPLE.

In this world, we do not realize that there are so many lonely people.
These lonely get out of bed every single morning.
Living a life that seems so dull and boring.
These lonely people do not have family or friends to talk to and see.
When you see the lonely people, they seem happier than lucky us.
They have such lovely smiles on their faces.
Where these lonely people come from?
What on earth can anyone or "The Happy Society" do for them?

"The Happy Society" used be a social club for people learning disabilities. Roy Holdcoft
used to take us out to pubs, Day trips and holidays but it got too cost too much for him to keep running and us too. We used to raise money. I used to write newsletters, my ex-boyfriend Anthony used to sell them for 20p. We also had a Jumble sale, which was organized by me but we didn't get a lot out of it.

THIS IS THE REAL WORLD, NOT A DREAM WORLD.

In fairytale stories, they say you have to kiss a good many ugly frogs to find your handsome Prince.
In my case, I believe I have kissed handsome princes who have turned into ugly frogs.
Believe me, believe me not, I think my days of kissing handsome princes have gone.
Because I fear every handsome prince I kiss will turn into an ugly frog.

All the lovely things I used to dream, I thought would come true.
Now I am unhappy that everything I ever wanted hasn't happened to me and no chance will it be.
I blame myself, I fell in love far too young.
Little did I know everything was going to turn out wrong.
Now I can't love at all because I am frightened of getting hurt again.
A male and female friendship forever more.
I must keep away from those ugly frogs.

GOOD FRIENDSHIP.

This may be only friendly love, but to me, it is good enough.
I don't think you need a boyfriend and girlfriend to love.
Male and female can still share a friendship to love.
My friend will be here with you for however long you want me to be close to you.
I will never go away from you unless you want me to.
I know we have been through the same thing, I know what you are going through.
Trying to move on from the people you love or love is very hard to do, but somehow we must get on with our lives and get through.
We must try and see a future for ourselves the best way we can, but believe me, I do understand that is very hard to do but all the same, we must get through.

GUILTY AND HIDING FROM THE TRUTH.

Going quietly on people when they talk.
Never caring about people's feelings.
Lying to hide away from the truth, because the truth hurts one.
One is shamed, one is in the wrong.
For one to tell one, but to get someone else to tell one.

I LOVE YOU, DO YOU LOVE ME TOO?

Your hair is blonde, so soft and thick.
Many times I have reached out for your love to tell you.
" Darling I love you so true."
The problem is that you are not with me a lot to say.
" I love you so true too.
Now I have to wait until I see you again.

I love you so true.
I hope and pray to god that you love me too so true too, but I think or know you do.
Three little words saying I love you can make you feel so special.
So can those three little letters.
Poetry is not where I can spell those three little or big words.

LOST LOVE.

There's nothing you can do when you lose the person you love.
All you can do is learn to move on and meet a new love.
When long love is lost it's hard to move on.
No matter how hard it is you must move on.
When short love can come before you look.
It is so important to be loved.
Love can't be made unless you make it.
When love goes down the drain, it can't always be saved.
For goodness sake, you must be brave enough to love again.
Love can cause you so much anger, hurt and pain.
Sometimes it's hard to love again.
Sometimes it's hard to live without love and be lonely.
Without love in many ways, life isn't the same.

I LOVE MY MAN AND HE LOVES ME.

I love my man he loves me.
I care such a lot about him and he cares such a lot about me.
Ups and downs are to come that is part of life to be.
If it's to be it will be, if it's not to be it won't be.
I hope and pray it will be.

Upsets are sure to happen, but I hope between us we will do our very best to put whatever problem we have right.
He isn't just my lover, he is also my best friend out of all males.
I'm sure and hope that he feels the same way as I do about him.
I hope and pray that we, what future we have to be, brings us love, relationship, and friendship.

Too scared of saying and doing the wrong thing.

I know how it feels when no one can say or do anything to please.

Being hurt makes you lose faith and trust in everyone.

No one can tell you when to move on or whether you do or not but I also know how feels like to be concerned for someone as well and want to be able to do and say the right thing to them.

Sorry for been nosely, I couldn't help but see your poster saying what you had been through to find I have been through the same too, which I know too well isn't a nice place to be.

I put a message on your profile then deleted it because I was worried I may up you.

Not trying to force you into anything you don't want to, I'm not that kind of person, righty or wrongly I feel I'm getting to like you but I'm asking no than to be your friend.

I guess it's hard to believe neither of us knows one another in person. 1. 1.2018