How long can I keep fighting this feeling with myself?
It feels so wrong of me because I don't expect you to feel the same way or and you don't.
Don't you feel guilty or ashamed I should accept you don't feel the same which I do even though I have feelings inside of me, which is guilt when I shouldn't?
Trying not to feel this way is such a challenge for me but that's not your problem, I need to learn to not feel this way.
I have no rights to force you into what and who you don't want, which I won't do.
How dare I?
Those feelings I must control.
I need to deal with my feelings.
I'm no spoiled child who excepts to get her own way.
Not that you're not a nice guy, I just need to accept that you don't feel same as I do.
I just can't explain why I feel this way.
I feel a lot of shame on me yet no shame at all.
I feel shame for how I feel but I haven't done anything.
All the same, I feel shame even though there's no action made, it's just the way I feel inside for you make me feel ashamed because there's no reason why you should or shouldn't feel the same for me.
I wish this feeling would go away but I have no reason to hate you either.
Just so sorry, it's so unfair on you when all you want from me are friends.
Must deal with this in my own way without saying anything to you, just write about it.
I'm torn between the two of you but there's no action yet I feel like a fool because I don't want to hurt anyone yet I'm hurting myself, feeling like this feels so wrong even though only one of you feel the same.
How silly to try and fight when I have someone in my life already, I have no intentions of lying, cheating or playing around its just feel I need to deal with to decide one way or the other, then the choice is already been made for me when one feels the same and the other doesn't.
It's been a long end of the road.
I walked out your life so long ago.
How I have had a lucky espace even though I should have walked away a lot longer before I did.
You hurt me so much to a point it cut me up like a knife.
Now you don't stop me what I don't want to do.
You don't put me off trying anything I want to try.
Now slowly I'm building trust in others.
Now your history, anything I do has no business of yours, you have no control over me no more.
your excuses were always your past so you used to say and I guess both of us were to blame for that, which is why you should stay single until your ready to not take out on others what you have been through.
You don't abuse to abuse, how dare you.
Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes but now I guess it's too late for you to learn that now!
You are who you are, just be yourself.
My mistake was I gave too many chances but no more.
I spent too much time blaming myself cause many of my ex's never admitted their faults.
So Dad, choose your drugs over your kids and just walk away, will you!
No one is born to deserve you turning your back.
You messed my mind up as a kid wondering who you really were till I saw you when I was twenty - one.
It's hard to understand why I broke down over you feeling as if you didn't want me but then don't worry I got used to you not been there.
For a long time, it ripped my mind apart but not anymore.
Here I'm fighting Mental abuse from a man who I thought loved me for 13 and a half years but then, in the end, all that was a lie.
The best thing I ever did was walk away from him.
None of you have still dragged me to the ground, I'm still alive.
I never understood why I had such a break down over you.
So much has made me change my mind and feelings about you.
I used to think that you made me feel sick with guilt inside but years went by realizing that I'm not the only one to blame it's you.
It was never your fault was it, it was always mine every single time in your eyes?
You let me down so bad and you taught me a lesson, that lesson was that your not the man for me.
The only thing I can thank you for is making me strong.
Thank you for driving me away from you.
May have taken a long time but I have done it and finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for letting me find myself again.
All I need to do now is fight the memories away I had with you.
None of your business whether I'm with anyone else or not.
I won't be sad no more from you, the only sad person is you for letting me go.
Who made out you loved me but really you never did.
You only have yourself to blame.
The only way I feel sorry for you is not in an emotional way but only that you throw away those who really loved you, I was one of them or the only one and now I hate you.
You never knew where your bread was buttered.
So you made your bed so you lye in it.
so unknown yet again.
So I believe there's no perfect life and we can't except either.
No one is happy all the time but no should be sad all the time either.
Wake up from your silly dream Sara, it's just going to happen least you don't think it is.
You can't force someone to love you who doesn't no matter how much you want them.
You need to accept what life throws at you whether you like it or not.
Patience is the word, who knows what's round the condor and who, don't chase it and don't think about it.
You know you have learned hard way no matter how hard it hurts.
We are all sensitive in our way, stop acting like a spoiled child!
You know you can't have your own way.
Keep writing the poems, like lines I mustn't have feelings for this man, he's not interested in me!
Emotions are sensitive to accept how life is but must learn.
I say no more.
I say no more, you most likely have a rough idea even though I only made you aware once.
I don't say a lot about because I know you don't feel the same way, that's okay the shame is on me not you.
I don't expect to feel the same as I do, please say if you do.
I'm a big girl now, I can take it like a woman.
Can't expect things to go my way all the while, I'm no spoiled child.
I'm no special and I understand other reasons for what you told me which I know aren't about me, I respect you too much to say why you don't feel about me in the same way.
I would never expect you to believe I understand even though I do cause I have been through the same too.
I don't except anything off you more than just friends even though I feel more, this is my own problem feeling the way I do not yours, but no way is it against you are far too special to me for that.
They say if you love someone let them go, which is true but very hard to do.
If only for your sake I didn't feel as I do, as you don't feel the same this is not fair on you to have me pestering you.
Never feel bad about not feeling the same way, it's me who should and does the other way round.
Never try to be anyone but yourself.
It's for me to deal with, you have no shame, no guilt only I do, not that you're a very nice guy cause you are which is why I feel as I do because don't have to feel the same, no reason why you should or shouldn't.
I try not to feel this way about you but I do.
Just can't put my finger on why I like you so much.
Ir seems so wrong because I don't expect you to feel the same way, which is really why I find it hard to tell you how I feel and that I don't want to force you to feel the same as I do.
Therefore this is for me to cope not you, not your problem at all but mine because you don't have to feel the same way unless you do.
Only I have to put these feelings behind me.
Somehow I have to work on that because somehow I know it's not going to happen even though I hope I'm wrong.
Just ever so often I ask myself so many unanswered questions that can't be answered, which I don't even know how to answer myself.
It's just a shame we don't live near to one another but then it may be just as well, not sure whether or not I could keep to myself if I was to see you, I wouldn't want to make you feel as if you have to be with me if you don't want to be.
Only sorry for feeling the way I do but like I said you don't have to feel the same unless you do and want to.
The feeling of guilt is just way too much for me, which I feel whether it's right or wrong.
Don't expect to believe this because you don't know me like I know me naturally, know you didn't say I was or wasn't I'm no cheat, lier etc that doesn't mean you have to want me.
I know you don't feel this way which is okay, why should the world be around me, it shouldn't be?
I can't expect everything to go my way.
Another reason why I haven't said much to you is that you're just far too special to me, I'm eight years older than you is one of the reasons why I don't expect you to be interested in me, only if you are.
How do I know?
Why didn't you travel in the same transport as me even though you weren't stopping the night with me?
So you met her when she said she was with someone else.
Would you have gone with her if she was interested in you?
Why do I feel like a rebound because she wants to be with someone else?
Here I go again letting you men walk over me, I'm getting too old for this now.
Had enough don't know how much I can take of this before I break.
I shouldn't feel sorry for myself I know, who going to love me for me for once?
Almost as if I have lost my figure and my looks yet when I had those I was used and abused by a good many of my ex's.
Heading to 50s it feels as if nothing is left.
Don't want you to feel sorry for me, just be honest with me if you love me for me.
I once thought I had the world at my feet but I was with users and abusers who never really loved me.
I want to be able to forget the past and the bad boys just bring one good man.
Go away bad boys you did me no good.
Here's to you whoever you may be.
I know you are there and I know your hiding somewhere from me, wherever you may be Mr. Right to be.
I know it's not easy to think positive of yourself when having disabilities etc because most people tend to think of us not able to cope the same way as them when it is really is and isn't true. All different ways some of us more than others just need the right support to get where we are able or and are wanting to get in life. We know it's not in everyone but people without disabilities etc need to spend more time supporting people like us to move forward rather than spending too much running us down talking about the negatives to how our disabilities etc affect our lives.