Sara Revealed: up date of secert love affair.

Se cert love affair.

The story line is that Jacky and Mark meet on a speed dating event at Lighthouse. Wolverhampton on the 16^th May 1994. Jacky had only been out her last relationship with Michael six months, he was violence. After what Jacky had been through with Michael, she was very nervous when she met Mark.

Mark fancied a pint after a long working week, it was windily and pouring down with rain. It was much unknown in Mark's mind that he was going to date anyone even though his marriage was very rocky on and off. Even very little thought was through his mind that was going to date someone with learning disabilities, little did he realised that he was going to one day in love with someone with disabilities but did end that he was lieing to Jacky and himself in the end. Was it a panic, when he found out he'd gone someone with disabilities pregnant or had he led Jacky on all the time they were seeing one another?
Jacky walked into the Lighthouse wearing a short denim mini skirt, black tights, black boots, and black and white top.
There were only three women Susan and Tracey besides Jacky. Two men Mark and Paul. Members of staff were Tony and Amy.

Jacky never told Mark how she really felt about him because she didn't know how Mark felt about her until he told her.
Unknown to Jacky it was a secret love affair.
Once Jacky got to know Mark she didn't want this affair to end. Jacky was more than happy to wait for Mark to see her unknown to the reasons why he couldn't see her lot.
It was unknown to the smallest amount time they spent together yet Jacky never questioned it.
In the end Jacky felt as if he didn't want her, then she wondered why he fell for her in the first place.
This affair may not have lasted forever but she wouldn't have know any different if Mark hadn't have shown his feelings at the time in the first place. 17.3.2013

Can't blame Mark for trying.

Jacky was in too much pain after a long ended relationship.
Jacky was far too hurt to think about love.
There was no regret in Jacky's mind to the short times her and Mark spent together.
May be it wasn't what Jacky and Mark thought, what she thought or what he thought.
The hardest thing for Mark was keeping this affair secret unknown to reasons why.
She was happy to wait for him forever even though he never told her why she had to keep this relationship secret.
It was so unknown why that he ended the relationship to cover his own guilt.
Because Jacky was still getting over her last long term relationship she never gave it a thought to ask why this relationship was secret, she just keep it secret. 17.3.2013

Mark was Jacky's select ad miner.

It was hard for Jacky to believe that her relationship was over with Mark.
Yet she accepted it was over.
She never fell for what Mark wanted from her before Christmas because she knew he didn't have the same feelings towards her as he used to.
She never regretted what she had with Mark; even thought in the ended Jacky dated someone else. 17.3.2013

Introducing Autism and love chapter one.

We were all told we were born for a reason that we don't know about. However long or short live is for us, the reasons for us been put on this earth is unknown. May be I would say gab life with both hands while you can otherwise you may never get another chance. One thing we know for sure that we are only on the earth once. For most of us it's always possible to do everything we want to do.
Many would say life is what you make it true in some cases but not in others. Choice and control can be two very different things. Some of us find it earlier than others to take control of our own live. With having disabilities and health problems are choices are limited because we are always watched by someone but most of us are watched in a very caring way. Whether we have disabilities and health problems or not we all have to live by rules and laws so let's not feel or be alone. One would agree that it wouldn't be wise to have everything our own way but some if not most laws and rules are unfair.

What to have for breakfast is completely our chose as long as it's there to eat.
" Please cook my breakfast!"
" No cook your own."
" I can't cook my own otherwise I will burn myself."
" I will but you are having egg on toast."

It's not nice to have your choice made because your not safe cooking your own breakfast. These people live their own lives doing things for they then take it you can do the same. Sadly you just need that bit of support you weren't excepting them to do it all for you. The truth is they don't know what it's like to be you, how would they cope if they needed the help you need? They have taken away your independence and control left you with no choice.

We are told it's a free country and world in many cases that's not true. The world would be a boring place if it was all perfect. Some people have more choices and control how they live their lives than others. What about stopping to think about our lives and comparing it to others. How do these things affect or and improve relationship and friends with people?

The story I am writing is about a woman in her 20s with Autism her name is Jacky who has other disabilities too. It should have been choice how she lives her life, she should have been controlled society but she should have been given the right support. How would you like to put yourself in Jacky's shoes? You would feel alone and the odd one out of the rest of society even there are others in your shoes. How would you feel?

Growing up is hard enough. For Jacky having Autism and not having a family was even harder. After heart break of a long relationship love wasn't something what Jacky was thinking of? She felt coldness after spending her childhood in children homes, Foster homes and etc.

Life is full of barriers but when you have disabilities like Jacky barriers hold you up even more so. There are all kinds of disabilities but research between Autism and love can be a misunderstanding mainly in Jacky's case. When heart aches happen they are hard to take. How we cope compared to people with other disabilities and people without disabilities but then can be mental health that heart aches affect.

Everyone has different ways of coping with this big wide world but change is a big thing for someone like Jacky who has Autism.

I started writing this story back in 2010 but I want to add onto more to the story to give it a bit of an up date where not only that Jacky had her child taken off her. For a number of years she was having to keep her relationship with Mark secret and he wouldn't tell the reason why until she was pregnant, it turned he was a married man and his marriage had been breaking up a few year before he meet Jacky, he hadn't even filed for divorce neither did his wife Sharon and five kids, Sue never knew about Jacky though. This was when Mark kicked Jacky out his home pregnant without any support.
Mark made Jacky go ahead with the pregnancy but he didn't want to take the child on either so the child had to go into care because Jacky couldn't look after him.

Chapter Two the two of them hit it off.

Not everyone is lucky to hit it off on date the first time like Mark and Jacky did. Jacky thought she found someone her life who love her for her after a long painful ended relationship with John. Jacky took a couple of weeks until she felt that same as Mark after her break up with John. Jacky wasn't expecting to fall in love just to be friendly chat with different people. After Jacky broke with John she thought not to look for love but for love to look for her. Mark had had his fare share of heart breaks himself before he met Jacky. It started off on friendly base. Yet when her relationship ended with Mark she found it hard to accept.
It was hard to think about love when she spent so much time alone with having to have a lot of counselling after her long painful relationship ended after so many years. Mark didn't have disabilities like Jacky but he promised Jacky the world even though she was open and honest about her disabilities. Mark made out he didn't see her as hard work but in the end Jacky found out different. After Jacky and Mark broke up she realised not expect to be there for life. Jacky the realised that love can be blind.

It was 6.00pm when Mark Jones walked the rough streets of the City of Wolverhampton. It was a very cold rough and Windy wintry night. His long jet black hair blew in the wind as his leather jacket was soaked to the skin. He walked into the Lighthouse out the blue and bought himself a pint of bitter.

At 7.00pm a dark brown curly haired girl caught his eye, she had dark brown eyes.

Mark came from West Bromwich. He sat chatting to the bar maid whose hair was in a bun and jet black. Mark asked Joan the barmaid what was going on.

It was 6.00pm when Mark Jones walked the rough streets of the City of Wolverhampton. It was a very cold rough and Windy wintry night. His long jet black hair blew in the wind as his leather jacket was soaked to the skin. He walked into the Lighthouse out the blue and bought himself a pint of bitter.
At 7.00pm a dark brown curly haired girl caught his eye, she had dark brown eyes.

Mark came from West Bromwich. He sat chatting to the bar maid whose hair was in a bun and jet black. Mark asked Joan the barmaid what was going on.

“What’s Happen tonight.”?
" There's a speed dating night."
" Oh right I think I will join in."
" No you can't have to be a member."
"Ok, how much does it cost?"
" I don't know, you will have to speak to the staffs that are running it."
" Ok, I will."

Mark spoke to Tony, Tony told him it's open for anyone but mainly for people with disabilities. Mark told Tony that he hadn't got anything against people with disabilities and that people with disabilities are as human as anyone. Tony let Mark join in.

How did Jacky and Mark meet?

The Speed Dating event on Mothering Sunday.

It was Sunday 22nd March 2009 when Jacky went to the Speed dating at Lighthouse Wolverhampton at 7.00pm. The event was for people with and without disabilities. Jacky was in her early 20s.
Jacky wore a blue denim skirt, white top and black tights. Jack's hair was short curly and dark brown.
There weren't many people so Tony joined in as a member for a laugh.
Tony and Tracey served the drinks.

The woman drank wine and the men drank beer.

Jacky found herself sitting chatting to a few guys before she found the one she liked.

Mark and Susan spoke about holidays.

" It's so cold in this country Susan; I could do with a holiday."
"Oh yes Mark, I haven't had a holiday in years."
" If only I could affront it Susan, if only."
" Where would you go if you could affront it Mark?"
" That's a hard question Susan because there are so many places in the world Susan."
" I know what you mean Mark I find it hard to chose as well."
" I went to Spain some years ago Susan, I love the bench but the clubs are too noisy."
" I like Wales when the weather is hot Mark, nice and peaceful on the Welsh mountains."
" I guess it's very romantic to you Susan."

Tony sat by Susan as Tracey was shocked to see Tony sitting by Susan. Tracey didn't show her feelings towards Tony. Tony was just pretending to speed date. Susan sat and ate chirps and nuts.
Tracey poured Susan more wine as Tony spoke to Susan.

" Susan get the wine down you, it will warm your veins up."
" What do you like doing in your spare time Susan?"
" Well Tony I like writing stories, poetry, painting and drawing."
" What about you Tony, what do you like doing in your spare time."
" Oh fishing and bird watching Susan."
" I guess you’re a bit of a romantic with your bird watching Tony and I like writing romantic poetry."
Tony laughed
" Not that kind of bird watching Susan although the miner birds are rather romantic."
Susan laughed
" Do like your sense of humour Tony."
" Oh thank you Susan."
" How about social life Tony, I like going to pubs?"
" Oh I like the threaten Susan."
" Oh yes, Tony I would love to write for threate one day."
" Do you live alone Tony?"

"No I have a wife and family, Susan."
" Why are you dating then Tony?"
" I am only dating for fun Susan because there are not many people here; I'm a member staff really."

" I am a single person who lives alone Tony."
" Sorry to disappoint you about me been a married man, Susan."
" Well are you looking for a boyfriend, Susan?"
" Well what will be will be, Tony."
Susan got very disappointed as she found out Tony had a wife and family and she was getting like him more and more as she spoke to him.
After that experience Susan couldn't bring herself to wanting to chat to anyone else.

Both eyes met when Jacky and Mark sat by the same table.

Both eyes met when Jacky and Mark sat by the same table.
Mark paused

" What about you Jacky tell me a bit about yourself?"
" I love arts and crafts knitting, sewing, drawing and painting."
" I study with my friend Maria at Bilston college, we both study English and Maths."
" Maria lives in supported living with her boyfriend Paul, he works for Beacon for the Blind."

" Are you a sporty person Jacky?"
" Yes I love swimming."
" I love football Jacky."
" Sorry Mark I am not keen on football, I support the Wolves."

Chapter three Phone date.

It was Mark's day off work; he had a very long week the week before. The car factory was very short staffed. Many were off work ill. Mark woke from lye in; it was 11.00am as he was eating a bacon and egg butty while he was reading the newspaper.
His phone was ringing like mad in his brown leather jacket. He couldn't believe Jacky's name coming up. This was a big surprise for him.

“Hi Jacky I didn't think you'd phone me, this is so sudden on a Saturday late morning."
" I thought I'd scared you off Jacky."
" No you didn't scar me off at all."
Thank goodness for that Jacky."
" Sorry if I scared you off with my learning disabilities, Mark."
" That doesn't bother me at all Jacky, your still human at the end of the day."

That made Jacky starts to feel good about her.
Jacky believed in her own mind that Mark was the man for her even though she had disabilities and he didn't.

" How does your learning disability affect you Jacky?"

" My disabilities affect me in a lot of ways Mark, like not be able to have a normal life and have children."
" Would you like children, Jacky?"
" Yes I would but I accept I can't because I can't look after them."
" Is this because of your disability?"
" Yes Mark."

Mark found it hard to know what to say to Jacky but he liked her very much so he made out. He didn't want her to feel bad about herself at the time. He also felt as if he was going too quickly for her so he paused for a bit.

" Sorry Jacky if I am going too quickly for you just say."
" That alright Mark, you’re not going too quickly for me at all."
" Would you like to see me again Jacky?"
"Yes I would Mark."
" This could be costing you a lot of money Jacky so shall I save your number and ring you back?"
" Oh thank you, good idea Mark."

Mark phones Jacky.

Mark didn't think Jacky would think much of him because of him been a bit of a rocker.

" I am thinking about having my hair cut, Jacky, it's too long and greasily."
" No Mark it doesn't seem to bother me."
" I was thinking about booking a holiday to Greece Jacky, would you like to come, I will pay for everything."
" I can't do that Mark, sounds good though."
" No worries Jacky of course you can."
" Do you like motor bikes, Jacky.”?
" A bit noisy Mark but ok."
" Just think about growing your hair and letting blow in the wind, Jacky."
" I can't grow my hair that quirky, Mark."
" That ok, I was only joking about growing hair that quirky but serious about the holiday."
" I last went to Greece in 2002, have you ever been on holiday Jacky."
" Never Mark."

Chapter four next date.

A few days had passed; Mark had a few busy days at work. Finely he had some spare time to see Jacky. It was an early afternoon; he had just woken up from long lye in. He drank a strong cup of coffee and ate another greasily Fri up.

He gave Jacky a call.

" Good afternoon Jacky, what do you fancy doing tonight?"
" Good afternoon Mark, I don't mind Mark as long as I am with you."
" What about meeting at the Moon under Water, Jacky?"
" That sounds fine, Mark, what time?"
" That's great Mark."
On the way to town they forgot the Wolves football team was playing, which slowed the traffic down. Normally the 559 bus comes very quickly but it was so busy with all the traffic baring in mind it was a Saturday night. It was also a very windy wet night yet again, litter was blowing everywhere over Wednesfield. Jacky's bus was delayed by half an hour as she texted Mark to tell that she was going to be late. She was freezing cold. Mark texted Jacky to tell her to go home to order herself a taxi to the Moon under Water that Mark paid for.

" Text me to let me know Jacky when your taxi pulls up on outside the Moon, I am already there drinking with a few mates."

“Thanks Mark."

Jacky texted Mark back.

Jacky took a brisk walk back home, the wind was getting wilder. On the way she met an old school mate she hadn't seen in years, who she remembered, she found it hard to walk away because Susan was very chatty.

" Hi Susan, it's great to see you sorry I can't stop to chat as I am going meet a friend but we can take one another's numbers."
" That's ok Jacky."

They gave one another's numbers.

“Sorry Susan I will text you soon, I am in a hurry.”

It was very dusty everywhere as the wind blew up Jacky's Norse.

It turned out that Mark was outside the Moon smoking a cigarette as Jacky was just about to text. Jacky got the taxi Mark gave her a cigarette then he paid for the taxi. They both stood chatting as Jacky was smoking there were beggars begging Jacky for cigarettes and money. Jacky just told them that it was her last cigarette. Most of the beggars got very nasty but Mark stood up to them, lucky enough there was a bouncer on the door.

The Moon under Water was packed out with a lot of people and Mark's mates had gone. It was only 8.30pm.

" I don't know where we are going to sit, Jacky."
" This is what happens on Saturday night, I'm afraid Mark."
" If I realised this Jacky we could have got a couple of cans down mine or yours."
" My fault Mark I should have remembers this was going to happen."
" We will get this all round the town on a Saturday night Mark."

" That's true, Jacky."
The bar was so packed out it felt like half an hour until they got a sit but it took about 20 minutes to get served. Jacky had Bankness Mild and Mark had Bankness Bitter. It was hard for them to sit and talk. It was hard to hear each other and them selves. There was no where private to sit and chat because the atmosphere was so busy.

" I know this is a bit quick but what about getting a few cans, Jacky, your place or mine."
" I don't mind Mark."

" We will go back to mine Jacky, I will sleep on the settee and you can have my bed."
" I will have to check bus time tables for the buses to mine because I don't use them very often because of driving."
" That's good idea Mark because taxi money soon adds up."
" Mind you I don't mind paying as you paid for me to get here."
" No, I don't like a lady paying Jacky."
" Oh Mark I feel guilty now."

Jacky went into the relationship with Mark 6 months too soon after a violence relationship with Michael. What Mark didn’t realise that Jacky after her last relationship had lost trust in men yet Jacky did think the world of Mark so it was very hard. During that time Mark went back to his wife that Jacky knew at that point nothing about. Mark told Jacky that he was going on business in Southampton. This caused Jacky to break down yet again.

Mark and Jacky’s ups and downs.

At the time it seemed like the end of the world for Jacky when Mark left her for Ginger. What Mark saw in Ginger no one knew. Looks aren't everything but Ginger was totally different than Jacky when it came to looks, height, weight and everything else. In the end though Ginger put Mark under the thumb which he had enough of in the end.

Jacky took the break up so hard to accept because Jacky's love was so strong for Mark. For about twelve mouths Jacky hit the bottle, Jacky was drinking very heavy every day and night. Jacky even had thoughts and Jacky tried to take her own life. Through the drink Jacky would end up sleeping in strange places or she'd end up in A&E. No one know whether it was true or not even Jacky herself is confused on that one. Some guys told Jacky one morning that she was found hanging on the telephone, climbling the telephone box.

It was rather amazing how Jacky still got on with the other things in her life despite her going the rails, she was still able to atend work places and go off to college and passed exams. Going to college snapped her out off this hard time Jacky was having at that because college was were Jacky had councelling and where she discovered writing her poetry.

Everyone knows that taking ones' life is a mad and serious things but that's an easy thing for people to say when it can take most people to go through things like that to feel that unhappy in their lives. Jacky was even out with old friends in a cafe, they found themselves having to stop Jacky from taking her own life with a fork.

During in that time Jacky kept on asking herself questions to why and what she had done wrong. She felt angry with herself. At the time she thought she had thrown away a good man, which wasn’t true.

In time Mark came back after five week but he still didn’t make complete sense to Jacky at the time why he broke up with her.

This lasted up to just over a year before Mark went off with another woman so he didn’t go back to his wife this time. Mark blamed Jacky for been too bossy in his life yet the next woman Ginger was twice bossy. Mark got engaged to Ginger in December of 1996, which time Jacky was having a break down and drinking very heavy. Jacky tried to be happy for Mark but that wasn’t very easy for her.

Just under a year later Jacky moved on to another relationship with Richard, they were engaged a year after, which broke up in year two cause Richard kept on drinking too much drink on top over his medication for his fits. He then ended up after seven affairs behind Jacky’s back but Jacky couldn’t cope anymore.

Even after Richard Jacky fell for John back in the 2000, which had started as friendships but he was full of lies and she her thoughts at the back of her mind to wonder whether he was going off with other women or not. Even years after the break up John was forever ringing her and putting the phone done until she met her one partner Tom years later that paid for her to have her mobile number changed.

This time it was a very long break for a four years even though it only lasted 9 months with Ginger then Mark went back to his wife and children. His wife still thought Mark was on business in Wolverhampton.
After the two and half year break up between Jacky and Mark. For 12 months Jacky found it hard to feel for another man. She used to feel gulity feeling the way that she did inside even though it was a wrong choice to go back to Mark she never got over him because she stil loved him, she went back with Mark four years later.

It was a hard thing Jacky to accept Mark been with Ginger, then Jacky found hard to bealieve that Mark would want her again.

Even though Mark wasn't worth going back Jacky's feelings were far too strong her to say no. He was the wrong man for Jacky but he wasn't the only man in the world that Jacky could have chose. For Jacky love so blind to find. Jacky couldn't see the wood inbetween the trees.

Jacky kept thinking that she wouldn't what to say if Mark did ask her back because she didn't know how long she going to feel the way that she did do. Four years latter it was one happy shock for Jacky when Mark did want her back. Jacky was still confused to think whether or not she was doing the wrong thing or not when she found out seven years later that she made a big mistake going back to him after all, that's how blind love can be.

Jacky believed in the first break up that the break up wasn't either her or his fault, she believed it happened nature but then yet again she turned out to be wrong.
Even during the break up, Mark still let Jacky called him so he hadn't pushed her out his life altogether, which made her a bit happy but then looking back he wasn't completely honest with Jacky or with Ginger. May be if he did blank out altogether her feelings for Mark may have gone sooner and she may not have gone back to him the second time.

Jacky then thought about stopping ringing Mark but writing to his Mother who she got along with very well. It was great she got on with his Mum in one way but not another. Years later after the second break she thought herself because of Mark living under his Mum's roof made too easy for them to get back together. Even though he lived with Jacky he also spend a good nights at his Mums so did Jacky they were together. As much as Jacky was gratful for Mark's Mum's friendship she thought after the second break up if she hadn't have got on with Mark's Mum she may not have got back with him.

Jacky thought before she had Mark back by pretending not to be intered in Mark that she would have more of a chance but that didn't really work for a long time, which Jacky didn't find it very easy anyway.

When we were lovers.

What a kind sweet gentleman he used to be.

Whatever has happened to us?

He was full of love, happiness and joy to be.

He used to be a lovely gentleman and boy.

He still has lovely brown eyes.

People think he has lost his mind.

People think he's gone blind.

Now that I have lost him, I am very weary who I find.

What if they don't replace the love I lost?

Where's the man's voice that made me laugh?

Where's his handsome face that made me smile?

Where's the touch of his arms?

Where's the touch of his charm?

Where's the man who walked me home in the dark and the rain.

Where's the man I'd dreamt about in my sleep without a doubt.

Where's the man who beauty me every time he looked at me. written 1997

My lover has gone forever.

My lover has gone forever, my history fellow.

I feel lonely without Tony Romany.

Is everything going very slowly?

Sadly enough I won't be able to love Tony Romany ever again.

Isn't he a dear fellow, feeling under the weather? written 1997.

I love the sea.

The beach and the sea is a romantic place to be.

I love the sun shining and rising over the deep blue sea with a lovely yellow sun set.

I think it's the place to be.

I love the yellow sand; it's lovely to lovely

love the yellow sand; it's lovely to lovely make sand castles with children by the sea.

I love the sun shining and rising over the deep blue sea with a lovely yellow sun set.

I think it's the place to be.

I love the yellow sand; it's lovely to lovely make sand castles with children by the sea. 1997 - 2000

I try to be romantic.

I try to be romantic, that's the way I want to be.

If it's not right for women to be romantic I won't be, I will only show my feelings out in poetry.

My feelings towards someone who means a lot to me yet I don't mean a lot to him anymore, he loves another woman.

He hurt me very badly.

I can't help the way I am I was born to be soft and romantic yet I can't help who I fall for either.

He may well rip my heart into a thousand pieces yet I love him like there's no other man on this earth.

Now I find it hard to stop writing poetry as my feelings are uncontrolled.

Believe me that man was not as special as I made him out to be in this poem, I only thought he was. How blind was he not to understand how much I loved him but how blind was I to not understand that he did not really love me?

Then we may have just loved one another as much as we could. We were both blind in our ways in our minds. written 1997.

If only I knew if you are right or wrong for me.

From the day I first met you I thought you were the right person for me.

You left me sad, lonely and blue.

You know it's true that even now I still love you but you don't feel the same way anymore.

I don't understand why I still love someone who has not got the time a day for me.

Sometimes I feel like locking myself away in my bedroom and never coming out but other times I feel lonely.

Live in the bedroom with a kettle, food, toilet but I need to cut down on my heavy drinking.

Not seeing the world again to get away from pain is how I feel.

I don't feel very strong at all, there doe not see to be an end to all this but there must be an end to pain somewhere and somehow.

Surly I can't keep on feeling depressed like this, there's got to be light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.

All I do is write romantic poetry about you; it shows how mad and crazy I am about you which make me mad and crazy when you don't feel the same about me.

How strange is that?

I feel ashamed to love someone who does not love me but my feelings have so much control over me.

There must be someone better out who loves me for me but I find it hard to believe that I will love him because foolishly my feelings are still with you.

Not seeing the world again to get away from pain is how I feel.

I must love the wrong man, what is it about love it just blinds you?

Now you have gone, I must move on I must carry on without you.

It's hard to do because I miss you so true.

Everywhere I stand I see lovers kissing and hugging everyday.

They must think I have lost my way. Written 1997.

I wrote this poem to say I love you.

I wrote this poem to say I love you whatever you have put you have put me through.

I must be mad to have you back but I still love you, don't you dare hurt me again because you won't get another chance.

I thought I stopped loving at one point but that's too hard to do.

One day we looked into one another eyes but we have known one another too long to say no.

There's only so much I can take, if hurt me again I will break.

If you hurt me again you will be full of regrets because I can't keep giving chances when it suits you to love me again.

Think this through carefully because one day I could be with someone who sticks to his word, who does not mess around like you do.

If I meet this person it will be too late for you to change your mind.

I'd be sure about your feelings if I were you and stick to my word. written 2001

Tell me why you left me?

Tell me why you made me cry?

Tell me why you left me?

Did you just make one silly mistake?

I must be mad to take you back.

You must have known you hurt me really bad.

It will take me a while to get my trust back you again but my love is still there for you.

I wish I did not love you then I would worry in case you hurt me again but my love for you is far too strong to let go of you. written 2001

I love you but you hurt me so.

Every day for four years, it all seemed dull and dark.
I found it so hard to move on.
I cried my eyes out when you left me.
I remember the day you met me.
I hope you won't leave me anyone, if you do I am out the door.
I won't ever come back anymore.
So don't give me a call.
I'll miss you again but I will have to stop myself from getting hurt.
I hope one day I will meet someone who loves me for me and doesn't hurt me. 2001 onwards.

Heat.

Please remain that old flame.
Please don't give me the main blame.
Now the cards have been laid on the table, our love has failed.2000

It is time to make up your mind so know whether to move on in my life or not.

It's time to make up my mind.
It's time to live my life to make up my time.
It's time to empty my mind.

I am yours and you are mine.
Now let's have a great time.
Time to go away; I will be back in a few days. 1997 - 2000

You will always find.

I think about you all the time.
You are always on my mind.
Every single time.

This a long song
bong bong.

Our love is with us here forever my dear. 1997 -2000 onwards.

You were there; you'd gone; now you have come back.

We were far too young; we fell in love far too young.
We looked at each other and we knew it was love.
Two and years were long for me to feel as if I belonged to you.
Four years of sadness and falling love with someone who I did not even love.
We need to act like adults instead of children.
The door was closed for so long; we never thought the door would open again.
We never thought we'd let one another in again.
We suddenly knew that we had loved one another too long to let go of one another. 26.5.2002

I never felt the same without you.

Walking around the town alone I’m so bored out my head.
I used to think to go to pubs getting drunk out my head, I could not even stand on my own two feet I was that drunk, and you broke my heart so much.

I told your Mum that I would have stop coming down, it was hard facing you in the same room knowing that you did not love me anymore and that you were with her.
Your Mum told me to take no notice of you even though you were biting my head off. I could not stand anymore but.
If it had not been for your Mum telling me not to stop coming you won't have seen me again let a lone get back together.
As much as I like your Mum, has her advice made me a stronger person or not?
I know she likes me but I know we are always going be on and off until things go bang!

When you saw me, you had no interest in me what so ever.

When I walked out of your Mum's door I felt so small.
Now you love me again, I hope the pain has gone forever and for good.
Keep hold of me, there may come a day I may not love you anymore, I may not feel the same towards you as I do now, and it’s only love that has bought me back to you!
What goes around comes around; I treat you like you treat me. 26.5.2002

Stronger love.

I can trust that you won't hurt me again.
Our love is stronger whatever goes on.
I don't enjoy having epilepsy, it makes it hard for me to lead my life but I will manage somehow.
I don't let my condition put a hold on my life.
My condition may have bought us close together but then I hope it does not slit us apart.
I don't want to lose you again.
At the end of the day we always get on great.
You’re my best friend as well as my lover.
My darling let's work hard at this after we have both been through already.
We will get through the good and bad together.26.5.2002

I thought you had gone for good.

I thought about you all the time as tears came down my eyes.
I missed the man who made me laugh with his brown eyes and cheeky face.
You have got such lovely ways.
The pain you gave me cut me into like a knife going through me when you were not with me.
In time I had to get on with my life, I would have stopped alone not excepting you to come back.
I was not going to come back or wait for you otherwise I could have been waiting forever or never.
When I looked at you again, I knew I knew you too well.
I looked at that cheeky face.
I could not help but love you.
No matter how much you hurt me, I found it hard to hate you.
It seemed so long I thought you would come back.
I was more than surprised that you did. 26.5.2002

True love.

After all these years my love for you is far too strong to let go.
It's too hard getting use to being apart from you.
Now I have to get use to living without your love. 25.4.2002

To my lover and my best friend.

To love each other for one another.
We need to take things slowly.
To look at each other and know it's right. 25.4.2002

Love verse.

If only we could be happy together.
You keep blowing hot and cold on me.
To know that love is not a bed of roses.
If only we could find it easy to talk one another these days, we always used to. What has gone wrong?

To keep things private bet ween one another.
Talk about it if or and when you are ready to.
We always used to have very special bond together but we don't anymore.
Not to care what people say?
No one can take it away from you other than yourselves.
Not to let people's points of views get in your way. 25.4.2002

Losing you.

When I lost you, it was hard to accept.
It took so long to get over you.
In time I accepted that there was not anymore me and you.
It took time to forget what happened.
To dwell and be alone thinking that you'd be the last man I'd have in my life.
In time you were history so I did move on.
I just took you how I saw and heard you.
Now you have become mine all over again, happy for how long? 25.4.2002

I loved you for far too long.

Our love is far long and too strong to let go of one another.
I have got to know you far too well.
When you broke my heart the pain hurt too hard to talk about.
I treasured the happy memories of having spent happy times together.
Now you are making me happier than you did before.
I used to put on a brave face to show the world I was strong enough to be without you.26.4.2002

Life without you.

After so long together it's been so hard been apart.
I missed you so much and I have known you far too long to carry on being apart from you.
When I look at you very close, I know that I had been hiding my love for you so long. 26.4.2002

Close friends.

Although our love is ended can we please be very close friends?
Even thought we have caused one another so much pain, why can't we be close friends.
The tears I have cried are very hard to explain but it's time to move on to be with the people we really love and be happy.
One must bare the pain the best way because things will never be the same again.
Why make ourselves unhappy by bringing things back how were because we won't win?
We have tried so hard to love one another as lovers it just has not worked the way we wanted it to.
My ring will be on my finger until the day I die.
Heaven will be the place I love again.
Close friends is how you and I will stay forever more. Written September 1997.

How I remember you.

You used to have a heart.
I had your heart.
Now you don't have a heart anymore.
Now you don't love me anymore.
I don't think you ever will love me now. Written September 1997.

Can you and I be good friends?

No matter what we have put each other through when we were lovers, why can't we be best of friends?
I still love you but as a best male friend.
I can never forget the pain we put one another through.
Life is too short to full out and carry on feeling sad, I am willing to look you in the eye and forget the past.
No matter what happened I find it hard to hate you.
Even if we broke each others' hearts, there’s no hard feeling on my part.
All I want us to be is best of friends, is that far too much to ask?
Through all the time I've known you I have always loved you in anyway you wanted me to.
I was once your lover now we know that it did not work, may be we will be better off as best of friends. 27.2.1999

Time without you.

During the time we have parted my feelings for you kept changing all the while.
My emotions have been all over the place for a while now.
I have been so mixed up with what I wanted and not wanted. I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know what to say, all I can say is that I want your friendship.
I have missed you just the same as I did when we were lovers.
I started to write romantic poetry about you to come to terms with us having parted to try and clear all the emotions out of my head.
I wrote about anger.
I wrote about me pain.
In my romantic for you I also felt love.

I have written this poem to say I love you whether you want to be friends or lovers.
Whatever we both say will go our way, I will be happy to say.
Whatever happens I will be happy as long as you are too.
If you need a friend I will promise you I will be there.
You must trust the fact that I accept that we will never be lovers again.
I missed the days that we were lovers but all good things come to an end.
No matter how hard I try my love for you never seem to go away but I want to see you with a life that makes you happy, even though your life will be never anymore with me.
If you want more than what you say you want please let me know, I am willing to accept whichever way it is.
If I am honest without the love my life has not been the same but I can live with what you want. 27.2.1999

I needed real friends.

The mistakes I have made are real through my break down when I was 27.
For nearly twelve mouths I was a very heavy drinker.
I drank like a fish seven days and nights a week, shame on me.
I mixed with the wrong people who got me into bother with my drinking but I cut it down when I was ready to.
I caused rows with my family, drank heavy behind and got into rows with other people round me.
I spend all the time worrying about everything.
As soon as I started writing poetry that when I cut down drink I feel more anger about us been apart.15.9.99

Friendship.

We would be willing to keep private information quiet.
To us you protect us.
To the people who you knew you always protect them and even now you have the strong power of god in you.
To us you took your own life and gave us ours.
We all love you for the person we know of you so far.
We do and always will miss your friendship and love.
You can see us but we can't see you.
You can hear us but we can't hear you.
To think you were going to be twenty - one the second mouth of the first year of the 21st century. 10.2.2000

Men and love.

What has been missing out of my life?
May be I don't need it, may be I can do without love of a man.
Not just in a partner but in my own Father.
Where were you when I needed you?
That was a silly question, was it?
All my life, I have felt anger asking myself why I did not see you as child.
My entire Mother's family managed very well with me.
I don't feel like your daughter at all.
For whatever reason you could not see me for you could have seen me for a little while.
You are my Father it seems wrong that you were not around when I was a child. Written 5.7.2000

Please make my day.

Please make my day by coming back to me.
You have pleased me in a lot of ways before.
I hope I have pleased you before: whether you have or not I am pleased to be your girl.
You pleased for the kind of gentleman you were but what's happened to you now?
You will please me even more if you give me a surprise knocking at door.
I wish you will love me forever more.
Please write me a letter!
Please give me a call?
Please at least ask how I am?
This is too much for a woman to ask a man.
Why have you destroyed my heart and leave me so sad and blue?
You played into me because you knew I loved you and you know I still do.
It's so hard to believe what life would be without you, mainly when I am alone and you are with her.

If you don't want me, why can't you see sense and see someone better than her, it does not have to be me.

Why don't you try again my boy, your not good at picking women are you?

What have done wrong, other than finding it hard to fight the problems from my last lover before you?

Why do old relationships spoil it for new relationships?

Pain just takes ages to go.

OK I had one affair, you know he got me drank and got me where he wanted me.

Sorry that was a big mistake now you are making a bigger one.

Why do we keep on hurting one another more than loving one another?

Sorry I did not mean hurt I understand why you are getting your own back on me.

I did not mean to make you so sad and blue. Written 1997.

I never want to love again.

I never want to love again.

I just know if I love again I will get hurt again; it will make me worse again.

Who knows what I will do next, I don't know myself.

I don't want to live on this planet with loneliness; I have had enough of this life I do not want to live anymore.

This is the end of love and life; I have had too much pain to bear.

If I get hurt it will get worse I will go round the bend.

It's no good me living for someone I love who does not love me.

I don't know how to love more.

May be I should know I did not know how to love, I thought I knew how to love.

May be I will never ever know how to love, without falling in love too easy.

My heart does not feel and fear love, my heart feels and fears pain.

When I was a younger girl, my heart used to feel love, because I never knew or understood that love can end.

I am just frightened of feeling pain myself, I do not want to hurt another man and I don't want to get hurt myself. Written winter 1996 - 1997.

I treasure only one history love I had.

He is just a poor confused man who does not know what he wants in life.
He is a gentle, loving and caring gentleman.
He gave and took the best he could.
I am more grateful with what he had done for me in two and a half years.

He used to be a romantic wild red rose so now that's the best he goes.
Flowers on every birthday card he send me he chose.
He used to make me feel like the lady of his life.
I loved his smile that made my love for him worth while.
He used to be a very wise man.
He gave me so much love that I can't believe that anyone else could replace.
The love I had for him I treasure by my lonely heart.
I know life is life but I wish we were sharing love together in our hearts.

Now those days are over, my heart has to cope with happiness, laughter, joy sadness and tears.
Happy history is not forgotten to me, it's worth being alone until I can move on to love someone better, new and get rid of all the pain I am going through. Written 1997.

I think I am having a breakdown.

I think I am having a nervous break down.
I feel like cracking up, I don't know what to do or where to turn.
I can't see what a head of me is.
Something or someone is pushing me over the edge.
What or and who could it be? 1997 – 2000

At times I feel a breaking down point.

Never take too much on that you can't cope with.
Never have anything to do so your life won't be full filled.

There's no such word as psychology when the human brain is hard to understand.
There are no real answers to why we think like we do.
Its worse when the mind is confused and when the person does not know what to do.

If there are no heads, there are no brains.
Brain is not a word: it's just inside the mind of one's head.
It just gives one a message to tell them what to say.
As human beings, we are not clever; we just say what our brains tell us to say which normally a load of rubbish anyway. 12.6.2005

On my own.

I am in my flat.
The clock is clicking slowly.
I can't wait to walk out the door.

I will soon be with my boyfriend or and my best friend.

Come home at night, I am back looking at the four walls.
I stop up listening to my music and I put my computer on then time for bed.
The same stars again tomorrow. December 2006

Love.

What is love all about?
Look for it you can't find it.
Don't look for it, its right there.
Once you feel love for someone and they do for you, it's hard to control.
It can go wrong and end in tears but still hard to control.
It can take long time to move on and love someone else.
You have to dust yourself up and start all over again.
It can become a risk loving, it can be very much being about trust.
You just take chances if it does not work keep moving on what will be will be.

Whatever good chance you get take it, those good chances don't have often. December 2006

Life doesn't seem worth living.

Forget the rain and the clouds.
Forget the frost, fog, sleet and snow.
What about the green grass covered in daffodils?
What about a few green leaves on the trees?
What about being warm instead of cold?
What about the bright yellow sun in the deep blue sky?
If that was the case, may are we will be less depressed.
When Christmas is here life is a mess and come January, many people are in debt.
That's when life is not at its best. December 2006

Say goodbye to life.

I say good bye to the bad things in life.
Take the easy way out, go to heaven.
I say hello to the good things in life, leave earth.
What here for us all?
Nothing but bad news.
Too much crime and the list go on.
Too many companies closing down, there's nothing for young people anymore.
I find it hard to see the good life.
Other than my boyfriend's friends, family and education that's my life.
Society is depressing but may be there is a way forward one day. December 2006

I don't think I have anything to get upset about.

Some how I feel low but I wish I knew the reason why.
I also feel very upset and angry.
I feel as if I don't want to live anymore.
I might be just depressed.
Whatever it is I will find a way to get over it but I am not sure how to other than writing poetry.
I feel as if I want to disappear into another world.
I just want to die and never come back.
I don't want help.
I just want to cope on my own.
I wish I could be happy again.
It's hard to see what will happen next. December 2006

How do we explain?

People say it's all in our minds.
We should snap out of it.
We would if we were not being feeling like we do.
Yes I have a reason to give, the world, government and society.
There have many times I felt low for no reason, that's the same for other people too.
I have cried not knowing I have been crying for.
In the end I have felt foolish and guilty but then when tears catch your eye that’s what you can't control. December 2006

Why do I feel?

Why do I feel I don't want to eat a lot?
Why do I feel as if I don't want to go to bed?
Why do I wake up just any time when I do sleep?
I have no job and not much money and no where to go other to see the man I love.
If I can just about get some kind of work and a little pay, I'd be ok.
I am still on earth; I don't think I will be happy until the day I die.
I want die young and in peace. December 2006

What's the matter with me?

I feel ashamed that I feel sad.
I think I have got more in life than I know about.
I have a boyfriend, family and friends.
I have a good education; I am not bullied like I was in school.
I know life does not live around me but most teenagers and people in their twenties don't have respect these days.
Manners have gone through the window.
People are getting off buses pushing into people.
No one seems to be polite anymore.
The government has given us far too many rules to cope with.
The only thing with my life is being disabled and wanting a job. December 2006

I wish there was a way to disappear.

When I am walking outside I wish there were some magic powers to make me disappear up in heaven if there is any such name and place.
Please take me away from this depressing earth?
I would have wings on my arms and flippers on my feet, then up and away I would go.
What will be there for me? Who knows?
I want to run away and hide from the world
I want to say goodbye to earth.
I want to run away from the same old things everyday.
Find a place to hide and die.
If I carry on living in this world I won't be happy because it is depressing towards everyone. December 2006.

It drives me mad.

I look at the tall block of flats; I picture myself flying in the air.
If I am inside a high rise flat, the ground seems a long way down.
If I am waiting up stairs on the bus as the bus moves, I keep think I am going to fall down.
I don't know why I think I am falling down as I am going up.
The end of my life seems so far away, how much longer do I have to stay, I can't stand the pain as longer?
When I am going down, I know if I fall, I won't fall up, I will fall down. December 2006

When I feel down.

When I feel down, I can't be bothered with anything at all.
I can feel down whether I have a reason to or not but not all the time.
I just want to get away from the four walls.
The end of my life seems so far away, how much longer do I have to stay?
I want to live to be old but only when I feel happy again. December 2006

Winter time.

Look at the cold, dull and gray sky that depresses us more!
In the winter the day turns to night far too early. Light turns to dark.
When I go out it's a long way to walk through those block of flats to the bus stop.
Those flats seem a long way when it's dark when I come back home at night.
There are very few street lights as you walk through the dark alleys where you turn right. December 2006

It feels as if it's there for life.

Everyone has good and bad days.
We all can feel down in the dumps at anytime.
We can feel happy anytime but at the moment I am feeling up and down through the day like most people with depression.
A lot of people would say it's all in people's head but you only have to have kind of tragedy and we are out of our minds.
I don't think people are surprised by that because stress kills more than thousands in the world. December 2006

Where do I go next?

The shy is blue and the sun is yellow.
Sand is yellow and the sea is blue too.
I will feel the air coming down to feet as the tide pushes me in the sea.
I will see angels under my feet as I fly like a bird.
I will haunt earth as an angel, I will keep earth safe. December 2006.

It won't be: it will be.

It won't be fires.
It won't be knives.
It will be tablets, pills and water.
When I get up there, I will be a fairy with lots of frills. December 2006.

I would love.

You just don't show love towards me anymore.
Never mind I get paid tomorrow as you seem to want to rid of me.
I may have enough money to buy myself a beer tomorrow night.
I hope to get a job next year and may be a bit of cash one day. December 2006.

If I end my time.

I don't like heights.
I don't like knives.
I like water but not tablets or pill but less painful way to die.
I don't mind what happens to my body as long as I am in peace not pain. December 2006.

It's so easy to take it out on other people.

Something without ever knowing, you snap and hurt someone's feelings.
You know afterward you feel bad about what you have said and done.
You just want to break down and cry.
You don't want to live you want to die.
The guilt cuts you up like a knife.
I am just going out of my mind. December 2006

it’s too much.

There is nowhere to run and hide from my feelings of love.
Life is hard work for us all at times.
Don't ask me why that is because I don't know.
Sometimes I feel down for silly reasons.
There was a time people thought you were mad if you were down for no reason, I have lived in those times.
Even on happy days I can hide the sadness yet on sad days I can't.
You want to put things behind yourself but in most of us it's hard to do.
I mainly get depressed when I worry about thing which could be silly things.
I know what a lot of people would say is worrying gives you an early grave, may be that's what is happening to me because I can't help the way I am.
When that happens I act as if it's the end of the world, I have always been like its part of my disability I was told. December 2006

I want to leave earth before I am 40.

I hate the thought of having curly gray hair, walking stick and frame.
I don't want to line up for my pension money; I want to be gone long before I get to that age.
I don't want to end up in an old people's home I sooner be gone well before then.
I want to leave the world as young as possible.
The thought of going through the change scars me. December 2006

Why?

Why, if life can't be that bad why does it feel that way?
When you feel down, it does not always happen with a reason.
I want to close myself up so I don't depress people even though I am but I find it hard to control.
Writing poetry is the only thing that's keeping me going so doesn’t take what I say too much to heart, take it like a pinch of salt.
I can understand that I not get or any of you reading this work but I need to get these things off my chest which is hard to do without putting on people.
I am sorry; I will just say nothing one day so people don't know.
I don't feel the same person as I was before. December 2006.

Crying and tears.

What has causes a lot of us to cry for no reason?
Who know why?
I don't know myself so no one has to know the answer to that question.
Why do a lot of us get down for no reason?
That's no one's guess.
Why do we feel it's the end of the world?
Why cry over silly things?
What is life really about?
Goodness knows.
How can some people just sail through life yet others just crack up?
I think if you believe you’re a strong person then you take life as it comes.
I think I am stronger than I think but I think I am strong enough to think I am strong.
Yet for some reason I am one of the worse worriers.
Whether something is on my mind or not, if I feel tears it comes out.
I just feel silly.
Should I feel silly or not?
That's another question hard to answer. December 2006

I want to get out of here.

May be no one knows how I feel.
I feel like walking away from Wolverhampton before my life ends.
I feel moody and depressed.
I feel I can't wait to get out of here.
I don't want to travel the world; I want to get out of it.
I don't know how to feel good anymore; I don't think I ever did.
I don't want help, I just want to leave the earth, I will never be happy until I do.
I don't know the first thing to do to change my mind about how I feel.
I only wish I did not feel this way.
I just feel so confused as if the world is too much for me. December 2006

One day everything will come to an end.

We all hate sadness but we all like the truth.
There are times that sad things are the truth and it hurts.
Humans and animals live and die.
Flowers and plants die.
Nothing lasts forever so why are we here in the first place?
We all go through happiness as well as sadness.
How confusing the reasons are for us being on earth in the first place.
It can't be anymore confusing than it already is but how boring it would be if it just worked one way.
You just can't have it well all the time.
You just can't have it bad all the time.
It all ends in the end.
All good things come to an end. December 2006

Drinking.

Drink can cause people to break down relationships.
Drink can cause family break downs.
Death can drive people to drink.
Drunk drivers are danger to themselves and other people.
Drink can drive people to death whether they drink heavy or not.

My world was empty without you so I wanted to leave the world without you.
I couldn't stand anymore; I tried to leave the world before.
I did not feel strong enough to cope with the pain so here I go again.
I almost drank myself to death.
I ate less and less and I became light headed.

I still forgive you but I don't forget what happened, that's only because I love you.
I understand the past is the past but I can't but talk about every now and then because you hurt me very badly.
I am willing to put behind now but you will have no more chances if you hurt me again. December 2006

What is life like now?

I am sitting in my living room looking through my window; the sky is half blue and half white.
It's an early Monday afternoon but it is a Bank holiday that does not feel like a Bank holiday.
There's hardy anyone about outside.
How strange is that?
You may say why don't you get out?
I will tonight.
I have hardy any money to spend.
I am not asking for the world but it would be nice to have a little bit more money in my pocket.
Jobs are not easy to find these days.
There are far too many people unemployed, which cause people to go through depression.
No spaces, not enough exams, too many exams, not enough training, too much training, age, disability, place closing down and many more reasons. December 2006

I can't see.

I can't see any further than my nose.
I think it's a big long road.
I can't take that big long road; it's far too far for me to walk to see what is there.
I am just scared what will happen when I get there.
I want to get of here before I get there, I can't see myself getting to the end of the road.

So high, when I look up I feel as if I want to fly.
Yet I would be too scared to fly going up high.
I don't know if I would feel strong enough to come back down again.
I don't like the thought of going up high unless I am in a plane.
I don't like seeing thought.

I don't know what I will see when I get there.
Will I go left, right or straight on?
I don't know where to turn.
I am too scared to try so I want to cruel into a hole to die

The sky seems high rise flats by where I live.
I keep thinking that someone is going to fall out of them.
I keep thinking that they are all going to fall down. December 2006

I don't want to leave you.

You are not the problem, it's me.
I only feel better when I am with you.
You might be the only one keeping me going but I don't feel I can.
The world seems big and larger than life to me, it all seems so far away.
I still have so long to live it scars me.
I don't like it this way, the fear of having walking sticks and frames. December 2006

There are good times and bad.

Today I don't feel too bad.
Tomorrow I may feel down.
Sorry, I must say I will never know.
The good thing is that I am eating a meal; I can smell cottage pie and veg.
When I am low, I don't eat that much.
It makes a big difference when I see people.
I saw my best friend today that's good.
I just wish I would not take my stress out on my lover; he is also my best friend.

May be when I get work one day, I can save up for getting my work published and new clothes.
I will still enjoy my social life all the same.
I can't have everything.
We want difference things but can't have everything as we haven't got it. December 2006

Every girls dream and nightmare.

It's every girl's dream and nightmare to become a bride.
Not every girl is lucky to meet a man of her kind.
Not every girl meets her prince charming the love of her life.
When becoming a man's wife it can be a story of a woman's life.
The amount of years good girls have to wait to be a gentleman's wife.
Having been a gentleman's wife it is not what we think might.
Some days can be a rather unhappy site to be a man's wife.
A wife might end up blowing into her kite.
Girls would you agree that a lot of men can be such mites. Written 1997 - 2000

I love you Antonio my longest lasted laddie.

I love you Antonio my longest lasted laddie.
Why did you go off with another lassie?
You know I love you so madly and sadly.
Now I will never ever have another laddie.
You broken my heart you mean Romano.
I fell in love with you so madly, gladly and sadly Antonio.
You are such a baddie but I love you.
I must be blind not to know that you'd treat me unkind.
Don't you have any love, care understanding on your mind?
I so very much wanted to be your bride so I must get that out of my mind. Written 1996 to 1997.

When you are frightened to love but frightened of being lonely without.

You are frightened of being alone but frightened to love the days and nights seem dull.
The future never seems to come because it's hard to believe that things will get better.
You are worried about getting hurt all over again which brings sadness and pain more and more.
You can feel shame, anger, guilt and happiness can be the only word that you aren't feeling at that moment.
You know that you’re not getting any younger and the future seems dull because the present is.
Trying to think about when you were happy is hard.
I can see myself just being an old maid because I can't seem to have trust in men.
Lynn you have taken all my happiness away I hope you will be happier with Antonio than I was.
Antonio you never told me your reason for going off with Lynn, I guess I was never good enough for you.

I just need to learn how to get you out of my head and get on with my life; I should not have hung around where I was not wanted.
When a relationship has ended after such a long time it becomes a big shock.
Finding the best happiness is hard to find, it could take never or a long time.
Could you be wondering
what could become in the end. Written 1997.

Thank you my loving caring friends.

Thank you for having trust in me.
Thank you for been trusting friends to me.
Thank you for listening to me what I have to say to you all.
Thank you for advising me and talking to me.
Thank you for giving the life that I really want.
I'd like to think I can do the same for you.
Without you I will crack up.
I hope my dream will come true to love again.
Thank you for cheering me up when I am feeling down.
Thank you been there when I need you.
Thank you for been honest with me; I will try my best to be honest with you.
Thank you for helping me through disappointments in life.
I will be more than happy to help you in every way and all the way.
Most of all thank you all for been very good friends and thank you for been you. 1997 - 2000

LOVE.

One always wonders why we are all ever born.
Our parents fall in love and bring us to the world.
Most parents break and then that cause anger, hurt and pain to us all.
We fall in love and the pain of ended love hurts even more.
Love is like a story, love is like a book; please turn over a lot more than a thousand pages your welcome to have a look.
I have got to the stage of thinking either forever love or no love at all the pain is too much to cope with.
I hope I am wrong in thinking I could be so weak, I hope I become strong.
Will I ever meet my forever love?
I have fallen in and out of love so many times every love I have had has a fairly tale dream story and nightmare in them.
Our dreams will more than likely come true but life is one big dream for you and me. 1996

The character

What do you see god when you look at me?
Why did you make me?
Would you agree there's a character in me?
Why did you bring this disabled world to me?
Thank you god for making me.

Am I the human being you wanted me to be?

What are you seeing and thinking when you look down from heaven to earth at me?
You see a human being who is not very wise.
How can you see me god with those far away eyes?

As a human being I am sitting here still.
I'm human baby, child and teenager inside an adult who used to dribble her food and make no reply.
You look down from heaven to earth in a loud voice saying I wish she'd try.
Did you ever you used to notice the things I used to do like loosing a sock and shoe?
Did you notice the things my family used to do like feeding and bathing me all the days through?
Do you still see the baby in me?

If you open your eyes god I'm a disabled person who has or should the rights to live my life the same as other people and that's the same for other disabled people too.

I will tell you as the human being sitting here all through my childhood I could not see a brother and sister with me.
It was the beginning of my teenage years when my baby sister came to me.

No sign of my Father until I was twenty - one all my family were there for me from birth.

When I was a young girl of sixteen I used to dream of wings underneath my feet dreaming of the man I'd marry, how wrong was I to think such a thing. I was just too blind to see but what will be. Never say never there's still time for me but I have also learned not to build my hopes up you see.

When I was twenty - eight I thought my life was over I thought it was too late, even though I was in love with a man who wasn't right for me.
I may go through pain in my life like everyone else but I pick myself up and move on.
I believe there's always someone for someone.
Only you god can tell me what my future is to be.
When I was a young woman of thirty I thought I'd live a normal life to be.
I though by the age of thirty I'd be rearing young of my own but now I have seen the world today it's not a safe world for children to be.
Being disabled is stopping rearing children like everyone else I just needed the support that was all.

Not everyone is lucky to have their dream home and lover to be which has taught me not to live in fairly tale land to be.
I must say it would be nice to be with a gentleman who will bond with me to love forever endlessly.

Now I am nearly forty the years are rolling fast.
I have walked out on one man who was not meant to last with me but now I have learned to see what happens when tomorrow's door opens.

Who knows where I will be when I am fifty, will there be the man for me?

My dark future will be upon me so I will now try to live my life without regret.
Loneliness and old age will give me so much to dread.
While I'm still young enough I will enjoy the life I have yet.
Old age will not make a fool out of me, if that was so what a sad character I would be.
I don't expect people to feel sorry for me, old or young I must enjoy life while I am here.

I want my peaceful body crumbled away with happiness and grace but no pain.
Now and again I will look down from heaven to earth to see the people I leave behind who I remember well.
You must accept the fact that we can't live forever.
So open your eyes god open and see, under that disabled person is an able human being and she is a real character in me.
I will still write short stories, novel, play and romantic poetry. Late 20^th century to early 21^st century.

I never felt the same without you.Walking around the town alone I’m so bored out my head.
I used to think to go to pubs getting drunk out my head, I could not even stand on my own two feet I was that drunk, and you broke my heart so much.

I told your Mum that I would have stop coming down, it was hard facing you in the same room knowing that you did not love me anymore and that you were with her.
Your Mum told me to take no notice of you even though you were biting my head off. I could not stand anymore but.
If it had not been for your Mum telling me not to stop coming you won't have seen me again let a lone get back together.
As much as I like your Mum, has her advice made me a stronger person or not?
I know she likes me but I know we are always going be on and off until things go bang!

Your Mum told me not to let you get to me, even though you were biting my head off.
At the time I was going out of my mind I could not stand to be alive.
I think I had a very bad break down, you having gone off with her hurt me so much.

I must be mad to have you back but I love you so much.
I should not go back to you really but I love you too much not to.
Slowly I knew you will hurt me and break my heart again.

I and your family tried to tell you, you going with her were a big mistake but you knew it all, you would not listen.

When you saw me, you had no interest in me what so ever.
When I walked out of your Mum's door I felt so small.
Now you love me again, I hope the pain has gone forever and for good.
Keep hold of me, there may come a day I may not love you anymore, I may not feel the same towards you as I do now, and it’s only love that has bought me back to

you!
What goes around comes around; I treat you like you treat me. 26.5.2002

Stronger love.

I can trust that you won't hurt me again.
Our love is stronger whatever goes on.
I don't enjoy having epilepsy, it makes it hard for me to lead my life but I will manage somehow.
I don't let my condition put a hold on my life.
My condition may have bought us close together but then I hope it does not slit us apart.
I don't want to lose you again.
At the end of the day we always get on great.
You’re my best friend as well as my lover.
My darling let's work hard at this after we have both been through already.
We will get through the good and bad together.26.5.2002

I thought you had gone for good.I thought about you all the time as tears came down my eyes.
I missed the man who made me laugh with his brown eyes and cheeky face.
You have got such lovely ways.
The pain you gave me cut me into like a knife going through me when you were not with me.
In time I had to get on with my life, I would have stopped alone not excepting you to come back.
I was not going to come back or wait for you otherwise I could have been waiting forever or never.
When I looked at you again, I knew I knew you too well.
I looked at that cheeky face.
I could not help but love you.
No matter how much you hurt me, I found it hard to hate you.
It seemed so long I thought you would come back.
I was more than surprised that you did. 26.5.2002

True love.After all these years my love for you is far too strong to let go.
It's too hard getting use to being apart from you.
Now I have to get use to living without your love. 25.4.2002

To my lover and my best friend.

To love each other for one another.
We need to take things slowly.
To look at each other and know it's right. 25.4.2002

Love verse.

If only we could be happy together.
You keep blowing hot and cold on me.
To know that love is not a bed of roses.
If only we could find it easy to talk one another these days, we always used to. What has gone wrong?

To keep things private bet ween one another.
Talk about it if or and when you are ready to.
We always used to have very special bond together but we don't anymore.
Not to care what people say?
No one can take it away from you other than yourselves.
Not to let people's points of views get in your way. 25.4.2002

Losing you.When I lost you, it was hard to accept.
It took so long to get over you.
In time I accepted that there was not anymore me and you.
It took time to forget what happened.
To dwell and be alone thinking that you'd be the last man I'd have in my life.
In time you were history so I did move on.
I just took you how I saw and heard you.
Now you have become mine all over again, happy for how long? 25.4.2002

I loved you for far too long.

Our love is far long and too strong to let go of one another.
I have got to know you far too well.
When you broke my heart the pain hurt too hard to talk about.
I treasured the happy memories of having spent happy times together.
Now you are making me happier than you did before.
I used to put on a brave face to show the world I was strong enough to be without you.26.4.2002

Life without you.After so long together it's been so hard been apart.
I missed you so much and I have known you far too long to carry on being apart from you.
When I look at you very close, I know that I had been hiding my love for you so long. 26.4.2002

Close friends.

How I remember you.You used to have a heart.
I had your heart.
Now you don't have a heart anymore.
Now you don't love me anymore.
I don't think you ever will love me now. Written September 1997.

Can you and I be good friends?No matter what we have put each other through when we were lovers, why can't we be best of friends?
I still love you but as a best male friend.
I can never forget the pain we put one another through.
Life is too short to full out and carry on feeling sad, I am willing to look you in the eye and forget the past.
No matter what happened I find it hard to hate you.
Even if we broke each others' hearts, there’s no hard feeling on my part.
All I want us to be is best of friends, is that far too much to ask?
Through all the time I've known you I have always loved you in anyway you wanted me to.
I was once your lover now we know that it did not work, may be we will be better off as best of friends. 27.2.1999

Time without you.During the time we have parted my feelings for you kept changing all the while.
My emotions have been all over the place for a while now.
I have been so mixed up with what I wanted and not wanted. I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know what to say, all I can say is that I want your friendship.
I have missed you just the same as I did when we were lovers.
I started to write romantic poetry about you to come to terms with us having parted to try and clear all the emotions out of my head.
I wrote about anger.
I wrote about me pain.
In my romantic for you I also felt love.
I have written this poem to say I love you whether you want to be friends or lovers.
Whatever we both say will go our way, I will be happy to say.
Whatever happens I will be happy as long as you are too.
If you need a friend I will promise you I will be there.

You must trust the fact that I accept that we will never be lovers again.
I missed the days that we were lovers but all good things come to an end.
No matter how hard I try my love for you never seem to go away but I want to see you with a life that makes you happy, even though your life will be never anymore with me.
If you want more than what you say you want please let me know, I am willing to accept whichever way it is.
If I am honest without the love my life has not been the same but I can live with what you want. 27.2.1999

I needed real friends.

Men and love.What has been missing out of my life?
May be I don't need it, may be I can do without love of a man.
Not just in a partner but in my own Father.
Where were you when I needed you?
That was a silly question, was it?
All my life, I have felt anger asking myself why I did not see you as child.
My entire Mother's family managed very well with me.
I don't feel like your daughter at all.
For whatever reason you could not see me for you could have seen me for a little while.
You are my Father it seems wrong that you were not around when I was a child. Written 5.7.2000

Summer at last.

The unhappy winter has on far too long.
Summer is here at last but goes far too fast.
The trees were well covered with green leaves that are dark, light and bright green.
The birds are singing in the leaves and the eves. 1997 – 2000

Just a poem.
How do you write a poem?
In a poem you can write the words that you love.
You write the poem on paper then type it out to put in book.
What subject can you write poetry about?
You can write about friendship.
You can write about love.
You can write about the stars up, high, down and above.
You can write about anything you want and anything that comes to your mind.
Poetry is a shorter way to show your and people's feelings about life without writing a story.
A story book is lovely to read and look. 1997 – 2000

I'm your secret valentine.Please be my secret valentine.
Wherever you are valentine please come to my mind.
I want someone to love me for me one day at the right time.
I have never met anyone who truly wants to be mine.
I am always told that there's someone out there for someone at sometime.
I don't know if you are hard to find valentine.
Who is the valentine girl for you and who is the valentine boy for me?
Just you wait and see.
Come on valentine guess that I could be? Late 1996 - early 1997

My mind is all over the place.

There must be men out there as true as Mark .
Where are these men to be?
Why can't I find a love who wants me for me?
Why can't I love who I want to be with?
Why who I want be with will he be with me?
Why can't his feelings match mine?
Still life is not all about me. Written mid summer to autumn 1997.

Chapter five moving on.

Mark found in his area of Park fields Wolverhampton, he know anyone so that suited Mark because of hidden secrets which unnecessary. This could have caused him all kinds of rows between different people, which Mark was too of a coward the dangers he was causing. This is why he moved out of West Bromwich where his parents lived even though only his parents knew about his marriage to Sharon. Sadly for his parent they never met or even knew Mark had five children that were why Sharon stopped in Southampton in Mark's. As far as Sharon knew to stay away from West Bromwich stay away because there was a big row over between her family and Mark's family on the wedding day because Mark's family didn't like Sharon and Sharon's family didn't like Mark.

Little did Jacky realise that as when time came down the line she was going into love blind. Mark may have appeared to have taken it slowly at the start but halfway through he was moving fast. Jacky went along with anything what Mark decided on. He appeared to be a very private kind of a man but underneath he wanted another wife and family.

The bad thing was he made out to Jacky that he took her learning disabilities on board but he didn't. He wanted a child but he wants the Mother to know how to look after the child so he could go off and do his own thing. He knew Jacky couldn't go through that situation but put her through anyway to a point the child was put into care just Jacky was herself as a child. Yet she accepted it more than Mark.

In the end he lied to Jacky and himself, he didn't want a woman with disabilities he just led her to believe she was the man for him. What she didn't know till the end he was married with a family already. He builds her hopes ups and she put trust into him. She felt safe with him for quite a few years, which wasn't the case in the end.

Last night Mark told Jacky that he would support her for life and give her the same life as a woman without learning disabilities. Poor Jacky thought he was the man for her.

This afternoon Jacky packed her bags moved into Marks. He phones his mate Paul who had a delivery van to bring Jacky's stuff over.
At this point in time Mark was ready to live with a woman but Lie to her by saying he had business over Southampton where his wife and family, ever so often he would stay there for a month. He told his wife he had Sharon that he had business in the West Midlands, she believed him because that's where was born and bred. His parents still lived over there that Sharon never got on with. There was no one who Sharon knew the West Midlands so she never really knew what he was up to but as far as she was concerned the marriage was going rocky on and off for other reasons. Things that had happened over Southampton so it wouldn't a surprise to Sharon if she find out what was going on in the West Midlands but it would have been a shock her.Jacky fell in love with a Mark not knowing what he was going to put her through in the end, they were together for two years.

For quite a while Mark kept on taking to Jacky about having a child but Jacky may have been slow in most ways but she knew it was too soon for her to have a child yet. although she though Mark was the right man for her she still wasn't sure whether he was the right person to have children and whether he support her 100 percent to how he promised.

She was bright enough to think about the risks of her losing her benefits but he had pushed her to move in until he had his own way. He knew she didn't have any support from Social services neither did she have a family so he made out he felt sorry for her and made out he would be with her for life. Instead he took advantage in the end because she was completely alone without any support other than Mark.

I remember when our love ended.

You couldn't make your mind what you wanted.
You drove me mad all the time.

I told you, you could have her because I know you did not want to stay with me.

I may be sad and blue but I still love you.
Good, bad, happy and sad.
For some reason I must be so mad. 2001 onwards

" No problem, John."

" Thanks Jacky."

It was 12.00pm, when Mark finely woke up.

“Morning darling." He said as if nothing happened.

" I have had your boss on the phone, Mark ringing my mobile phone."

" You shouldn't answer the phone woman."

" Get me a coffee, woman."

" Don't speak to me as if I am your slave, Mark!"

" It's a good job I did answer the phone Mark, here’s your coffee, and you lied to me about the rise, John can't affront to pay you."

Jacky gave him his coffee and tipped it all over him. He screamed.
" That serves you right for lieing to me, Mark."
" Now make yourself a cup of coffee!"
Mark's face dropped as he got up to make himself a cup of coffee.

" My carpet is soaked, Jacky."
" So what you’re treating me like dirt, why should I care, Mark."

" I should know Mark because you haven't supported me to buy anything for the baby like you promised."
" The money is in the bank Jacky, I will give you pin number and you can get it out if you want."

" Ok, Mark if I find there's no money in there I will go mad at you."
" Oh there is Jacky; otherwise I wouldn't give you my pin number."

Jacky's phone rang again while she was in the bedroom, it was John again.

Hi Jacky is Mark up."
" Yes he does only just wake up, John."
"Sorry to take so long, I had to wait for him to wake himself otherwise he gets moody, John when he he's had a lot to drink."
"You ok Jacky, you sound really fed up."
" I am John, I have had enough."
" I don't blame you, Jacky."
" I've had enough of him as well Jacky; he used to be a great work not anymore.
" He used to be a great man, John but not anymore."
" He told me you gave him a pay rise so many months ago, your joking Jacky like I said earlier I can't affront to pay him anymore."
" I have just said that to him and he looks at me John, as if I am thick."
John laughed.

“Sorry Jacky, but he's a liar."

Mark changes the subject.

" I want a woman who can look after my child, Jacky."

" You never said that before Mark, you promised to support me."

" If this is what you wanted, then why didn't you find yourself a non disabled then that would have been honesty, Mark?"

Mark froze knowing what Jacky had said was true he didn't what to say but he knew he had to the truth. He was shaking in his boots but he thought what if she found out the truth from someone somehow. Even though there was know Jacky who knew the truth.

" Why did you go with me, Mark?"

When I am with you.

When I am with you, it all seems so true.
When I am without you I feel blue.
If only you knew how much I love you, I have told you enough times.

Please tell me why you lied?
I would sooner die.
When I look into your eyes, you give me so much pride.
Hay, please don't make me cry with all your lies.2000

I love you but you hurt me so.

Every day for four years, it all seemed dull and dark.
I found it so hard to move on.
I cried my eyes out when you left me.
I remember the day you met me.
I hope you won't leave me anyone, if you do I am out the door.
I won't ever come back anymore.
So don't give me a call.
I'll miss you again but I will have to stop myself from getting hurt.
I hope one day I will meet someone who loves me for me and doesn't hurt me. 2001 onwards.

It is time to make up your mind so know whether to move on in my life or not.

It's time to make up my mind.
It's time to live my life to make up my time.
It's time to empty my mind.

I am yours and you are mine.
Now let's have a great time.
Time to go away; I will be back in a few days. 2000 onwards

You will always find.

I think about you all the time.
You are always on my mind.
Every single time.

This a long song
bong bong.

Our love is with us here forever my dear.2000 onwards.

Mark plays mind games.

" I don't think that's a good idea, Jacky because of your disability."
" How dare you say, Mark that my disability makes me different to anyone who hasn't got disabilities."

" Pack your things and get out my flat, Jacky!"
“Go Jacky, be happy, you deserve better than me, just remember the good times we had together not the bad.”

“ You are a lovely lady, Jacky.”

" For what you have out me through, Mark I will be glad to get out your flat, I am now growing to hate you."
" I am sorry Jacky."
You are getting what you want, why tell me to get out if you don't want me to, make up your mind, Mark."
" I have made up mine Mark, whether you like it or not, I am going."

" Because on and off my marriage has been going rocky, Sharon thinks I have business."
" Oh you have been leading us both on Mark, I feel sorry for Sharon because I doubt you will tell her about me."

" I have something to tell you, Jacky."
" What's that Mark?"
" There has been a reason why this relationship has been a secret and why I have told you to keep it a secret, where I have wrong is not telling you the reason why."
" Come on now Mark, slit out, I never thought about that, how blind was I?"
" Well how wrong was I to lead you blind, Jacky.”?
" I will get to the point of saying that I am a married man, I lied to you."
" I haven't got business over Southampton; I have a wife and five kids."

Jacky broke down in tears she didn't know where to put herself. She felt so angrily with Mark, she didn't how to. Mark thought it was great to do something as nasty across someone like Jacky knowing well she found it hard to stand up for herself. Mark knew Jacky would take any kind of stress he put her through but no she couldn't take anymore.

" Why did you go with me, Mark?"

Heat.

Please remain that old flame.
Please don't give me the main blame.
Now the cards have been laid on the table, our love has failed. 2000

Mark start cheeping after Jacky as soon as he tells her he's been married all through the realtionship.

I'd rather be with no one but you.
"I know we didn't know each other well to start off with."
"I knew we had so much to learn from one another."
" I thought I was the only woman your life."
" I never thought I`d be sharing you with someone else."
I feel so sorry for Sharon does she know about?"
" No she doesn't, we were having a rocky patch and we didn't want to end the marrage, Jacky."
" So rather than break up I thought I'd work away."
" In the mean time Mark you have been building a life with me behind Sharon's back so therefore you can't live without a woman.
You had to have woman in Wolverhampton and a wife in Southampton for how long Mark?"
" All through our realtionship, Jacky."
" That's 13 and a half year Mark, that's really bad Mark."
"I will divorse my wife and do everything it takes to make up to you Jacky and we will raise our baby together as I promised you."
" I don't even bother Mark, how can I spend the rest right of my life with you Mark knowing what you have done to me."
"No I'd rather have no one but you Jacky."
"Too late you should have though about when you first met me, Mark."
"I understand it's not all about how I feel, it's also about you because you have feelings too, Jacky."
" I have no feelings for you now Mark because you've hurt me so much."
Mark's face bend down with gulit. 24.12.2009

" Because of an on and off my marriage has been going rocky, Sharon thinks I have business in Wolverhampton."
" Oh you have been leading us both on Mark, I feel sorry for Sharon because I doubt you will tell her about me."

“I want to forget you altogether Mark.”

“I don’t blame you for what I've put you through.”
" If you think of me think of the good times we had together, Jacky."
" Start a career, Jacky.""
"Hope you’re please with yourself because I am four months pregnant."
" Well go to Social services then, Jacky!"
" You’re not my problems, Jacky."
" Your all talk Mark, you make promises and you break them."

Jacky just packed her things and went as Mark gabbed her suit case opened it and tipped everything over the garden. He walked into the flat to leave Jacky to pick everything up. She just walked off with having no where to go and wishing she hadn't given up her flat for Mark. She had no family or a few friends but she didn't want to put on then so she ended up sleeping the streets.

Jack's poems to Mark after the break up.

I know it's all over.

There's no such thing as the last kiss.
You did not seem to care whether I went or not.
You did not seem to care whether you never saw me again or not.
If only I did not care or loved you either.
You never let me know whether you were happy or sad to see me again.
Are you human, are you real or have I been having a strange dream all these years?
I just don't know why I am bothering coming back as there is nothing there for me.

I did not want to go or stay.
You don't love me so why am I here?
It does not feel that way.
Why am I hanging around where I am not wanted?

You are just a hard habit to break.
The worse thing is that you are unsure how you feel.
That does not help my feelings at all.
You have not done yourself any favours.
You have lied to yourself and to me.
Why do you have to leave to me to find out what's going through your mind?
How can I help I am not a mind reader?

Without yourself knowing it, you have hurt the one you love yet again.
Oh I forgot you don't know whether you love me or not.
It's hard to say what you want because you either won't tell me or you give me difference answers.
It does not make it very easy for me to know whether I should stay or go.
My mind tells me that leaving you is the right thing to do but my heart is saying no.

If you feel the same as I do, please send me a letter, text or a call.
Please ask people we know in pubs if they have seen me.
Don't know why I bothered saying that, I have had enough of been messed round.
I am leaving you one day when I feel strong enough to.
Don't rush into thinking about it too hard Mark it may take forever.

There are plenty more fish in the sea, I just hope the next one knows what he wants in life.
I will get away from this confused man one day; I hope will find someone someday who knows his own mind.
Ant if you don't know what you want after nearly fourteen years, you never will.
Who knows I may never bother with men again but I know I will. Jan08 - Feb 09

I must be mad.

Fifteen years now I have loved you for, despite the pain we have been through together.
In time we have become just friends and lovers on and off.
In that time I have written pages and pages of poetry about you, I have even written about you in my diaries.
No matter what happens I will always love you.
No matter what happens despite the way you feel about me, even though it's not the answer I want to hear. 14.2.2009

Sorry.

"There's no way I want to cause stress on to you, I like you a lot, Jacky".
"I've already told you, there's no going back, Mark."
"I have to be honest I miss you so much, Jack."
" You are lying Mark". 15.12,2009

I have been such a fool.

Whatever kind person you are I have loved you for 13 and a half years.
I still feel the same to this day but I very soon hope that those feelings will go away.
I can accept friendship but the more I see you the more I love you, you hurt me more because I know you don't feel the same way.
Sometimes you pretend to love me to keep me happy then you tell me you don't to make me sad.

May be you do know what you want but you play me around to hurt me.
As for you, you don't know how you feel towards me so how am I to know?
This is two possible guesses, if only I was a mind reader.
We have been through so many ups and downs together over the years but somehow I am still here for you even though we are just friends.

I have wasted so much time crying, days thinking about you and losing sleep over you.
The headaches and heartaches are just too much, I can't say I know when but I think I will go one day, I have had enough.

I don't know why I hang around anymore; it feels as if you don't feel the same way anymore.
May be you did not feel the way I thought you did.
I must be a complete fool; I am so in love with you it hurts.
I have tried so hard to love others but it did not work.
Many people have thought I had been a fool to put up with you all these years, may be they are right.

I don't know what else to do if I am not wanted in your life anymore.
May be one day I will be strong enough walk away from you like you walked away from me. Jan 08 - Feb 09

Jacky at this point wasn't showing what was really feeling so she fould herself making out she had no feelings for Mark hoping it would stop him playing with her feelings.

First serious love.

It feels as if no one will ever replace you but I don't want someone to replace you.
I want someone who loves me for me, which is more than I can say for you.
I want someone who knows what he wants in life.
You have known me fifteen yrs on and off but you don't know whether you love me or not.
It sounds as if you don't know what love is, I thought I may be have shown you that by now.
Yet you have had girlfriends before me, what a strange man you are.

You should know how I feel about you by now.
Even after all these years, you do not really understand how much you really mean to me.
You never now tell me whether you feel the same way towards me or not.
Did you ever love me?
You either loved me as much as you could or not at all.
I think I have wasted fifteen yrs loving a man who never loved me.
Your feelings turn on and off like a light.
I don't know why I still feel the same as I did when I first met you.
Come on Mark, that was a long time ago, if you don't know I am serious about you now, you never will.

I am so sorry that I can't stop loving you but I also understand how you feel too but then you don't know how you feel or what you want.
I wish I could help but I can't someone who does not know what they want themselves.

I wish you did not change your feelings every five minutes, now stop playing with my feelings!
You know very well how I feel about you so you mess me around more.
The way things are I know one day I won't feel the same as I do today.
I will get away from you to make sure that I don't feel the same as I do today anymore.
It's no good changing how you feel then because it could be too late for you.
The more I love you and see you, the more you hurt me.
May be I am wrong but it feels as if you don't have the same feelings as me anymore.
I only wish I did not feel for you this way. 14.2.09

Love can be dangerous.

What kind of person am I?
Do you like the person I?
Is it fair to say I love the two of you?
Oh love can be so dangerous I don't know what to do.
I don't want to be dangerous I just want to love one of you.

I find it hard to win because I don't want to hurt any of you.
Whatever I do I feel as if I am hurting someone.
What does it matter chose one or no one at all.
Be friends with the other.
My feelings are hard to control and I am knocking my head on brick walls.
Oh love can be dangerous games to play.

I am not the woman I used to be or the woman I would like to be.
I intend to be faithful that's why I can't cope when I have strong feelings for two

people.
I never thought my feelings would make life so hard.
I hate putting myself in the wrong, when life puts on the hard spot.
Love can be a dangerous game to play.

I either have too much choice or no choice at all.
It's a good job I only have the choice of two of you but that's hard enough to make that choose. 1.6.2004

I don't feel myself.

"The weather is so cold".
" I won't miss you now, Mark"
"I just feel so low; I have had enough now"
" Mark have blown it now."
"Too many of my relationships have failed." 15.12.2009

Chapter Six Break up.

Jacky had been sleeping on the street all through her pregnancy. She hadn't seen Mark since he kicked her out. She had been up to Social services. Her benefits had been cut. Despite of the pregnancy she was looking for a part time short to support her unborn child. Social services had sorted out adopted parents. She didn't want to get rid of the baby because Jacky believed every human deserves a life and there are people out who can look after children but can't have them for whatever reason. These people will look after my child a lot better than what I can Jacky thought. Through this period of Jacky's life her Anxiety and depression started to get worse even though accepted that she couldn't keep the baby.

The birth had come and gone very quickly. It was unknown to Jacky whether she had a boy or a girl. The child was taken off her so quickly. Unknown to Jacky while she was in New Cross hospital Mark managed to turn up without been seen, he took the baby before the adopted parents did. The hospital called the police and the adopted parents were naturally angrily that the child was taken. Even Jacky didn't think Mark was taking the child because he gave her the idea in the end that he didn't want anything to do with the child. It's was puzzling. Jacky thought about how little Mark's other children saw Mark. It turned out to be that Mark was putting the child in and out of child. The adopted parents were fighting court cases to find out who took the child, which came to light for a good many years.

When Jacky came out of hospital she started drinking heavy, then she was starting to wonder whether Mark took the child or not. Jacky had thought about reporting Mark to the police but then she thought it could have been anyone who had taken the child. Jacky couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel; she was on the verge of a nervous break down.

Jacky had met up with some old school friends Karen and Hanna; they took Jacky out shopping and treated her. The three girls shopped until they dropped until 5.00pm. Jacky didn't really want to put on them but they could see she was going through too much one way or the other, even though she hadn't told them what was happening in her life for so many years. Jacky had a laugh and chat with Karen and Hanna for the day. Suddenly Jacky went all dizzy, she went hot, and her face was flushed and red. She started to feel suicidal as she hung her over Bettle's car park. Her long blonde hair hung down as she screamed and loads of people stood and stared at Jacky. Karen and Jacky tried to stop her as Jacky bent over she said.

“I don't care, nobody cares, I'm going now." as she carried on screaming

“Don’t go Jacky." cried Karen and Hanna.

Someone called the police before Karen and Hanna did,

“Are you alright, Madam, what's going on?"

“This is necessary Sir, I have it all under control." said Hanna

Jacky was still kicking, screaming and shouting as the policeman said.

“Calm down, Madam!"

Jacky only calmed down when she wanted to.

For quite a few years Jacky's depression got worse, she had her good and bad days. She ended up having to have counselling.

Hanna took no notice at this point while Jacky was kicking, screaming and shouting on Beattle's car park, she knew that she wasn't finding it very easy to save her friend's life.

Despite of Jacky been hard work Hanna managed to get her into the police car some how. In the mean time Karen had a chat to Jacky.

“What’s wrong with you Jacky, we have had a good day today?"

Jacky didn't answer.

“Calm down Jacky, you will be home soon." said Karen

The policeman asked Jacky where she lived, she told him she didn't have a home and slept on the streets. He took Jacky into the Police station to calm her down. He asked her if she'd got any friends and family.

“I have just got a few friends and that’s it”

“What about those two young ladies."

“Well that's the first time I have seen them in ten years since school, I don't know where they live."

“We can track them down."

“I don’t want to put on anyone I'm quite happy sleeping on the streets."

“I have had my benefits cut; I can't money off other people."

“I can't just leave you Jacky."

“I can sit here chatting to you all night Jacky but I am not leaving you alone until we have found you somewhere to sleep."

“Well I will stay here, Sir."

“No Madam because you haven't done anything wrong."

“I will chase Karen and Hanna is they names."

"Yes Sir but no Sir, I don't want to be bother to anyone, I'd sooner die."

“I can do this job as a policeman, Jacky."

“Ok, whatever you say, Sir."

“You will stay with your friends, Jacky."

“Well if that keeps you happy Sir, so be it."

Jacky's poems after the break up

I can't sleep.
"I can't sleep I have so much on my mind."
"It's twenty to three in the morning."
"I just have so much stress that I don't want to out on anyone".
"I am just not thinking straight at the moment."
"The weather is even more cold and dark without anything to look forward to." 15.12.2009

Valentines Day without love.

You feel alone in the world when you see couples walking down the street and holding hands.
You feel alone the world when you see people with presents and cards.
Why am I bothered?
Valentines Day is waste of time and money mostly when the one you love does not love you anymore.
I write him poetry, a waste of pen and ink but I still write them.

Sara just gets on with life but it's even worse when Valentine’s Day just hits you in the face. 14.2.2009

In the end the policeman chased up Karen and Hanna, whom Jacky should have gone with in the first place she didn't to put on them but then the policeman gave her no choice. From there she stopped with Karen. Karen help her get her benefits sorted out but then no Jacky did better than that by finding herself a cleaning job then in time a new flat a new man ten times better than Mark.

New start.

It's hard to change completely but I must change most things.
Some things can change but others can't.
Some things we to change, others we don't.
There are other things we have no choice about, you may have to change or don't change or can't change at all.
Some things are easy to change others are not.
It would be a boring life if we were all the same.
There are so many things I should change but I find it hard to let go, like I need to let go of Mark. Jan 08 - Feb 09

Sara Revealed

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

up date of secert love affair.

You are our loving friends.

You are our loving friends.

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Tuesday, 6 August 2013

up date of secert love affair.

You are our loving friends. You are our loving friends.

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You are our loving friends.

You are our loving friends.