Poetry update.

You are never happy.

You spent so long trying to get me out of your life, that's what it felt like to me.
Now that I have gone you miss me, you don't what you have lost until you have lost it.
At the time you really hurt me but I really loved you.
Now that I am out of your life, I don't love you anymore.
I know you want me back in your life.
I have know you long enough to know whatever happens your never happy with.
You have lost my love, you only have yourself to blame. 26.9.2010

Things on your mind.

There can be things on your mind all the time.
Most of the time you think of things that happened a long time ago.
No matter how hard you try to blank these thoughts out you never forget.
These are very often things that are hard to talk about and explain yet never understood.
We can feel frightened to say anything at all.
For me it happened at school.
A lot of people told me it was all in my mind but it's always there never forgotten no matter how hard I try to forget.
Why has it been there all my life, yet I have tried so hard to blank it out?
I have learning disabilities, I don't have the same understanding as other people yet I'm not alone in the world anymore, I never was, I only thought I was alone. 30.9.2010

Unheard voice.

When you have learning disabilities, you are always children in the eyes of society.
Nothing has seemed to have changed, I guess it never will but it still seems as if not a lot has changed in the last 30 years or more, that's not been understood or listened to.
After not been listened to, understand or believed by adults when I was a child.
It carried on far too long into my young adult years.
I guess I never got heard because of my learning disabilities.
It's as if people knew that I wasn't suppose to know anything but I knew I had been hurt in some way, explaining it was hard.
I knew nothing but a long true nightmare that I still can't get out my head from the age of seven upwards, now I am 41.
This happened to me more than once and more than one person.
It's just so hard to explain, which not a lot has changed when it first began.
It happened so long ago.
I shouldn't try to tell because I don't know what happened yet I don't forget.
It doesn't make any sense but strange as it sounds it's true that strange unexpected things even now still come out of the blue. 30.9.2010

Time to go to bed.

It was time to go to bed, us girls chatted for a while.
The Housemother told us off to get to sleep ready for school the next morning.
My mind was full of unexplained stress that I wasn't suppose to know yet it happened to me.
It was no good telling the kids, they weren't suppose to know either.
We were little children little babies who were learning about life yet there was very little to learn at that time.
Everyone fell a sleep all but not me, I wasn't the best of sleepers anyway but all what I didn't understand was playing on my mind I was far too young to know but I should have known what happened, it was too hard understand and tell anyone.
I wasn't just a child, I was a child with learning disabilities.
I held my ginger German teddy bear named Hands, I felt so alone.
Every time I tried to sleep I could hear and see the big evil moister attacking me.
I lay there thinking how I was going to tell grown ups but I didn't have a clue.


It's hard to talk.

I just cried all night.
Every time I faced a child, I felt so alone in the world.
I kept hoping it wasn't happening to any other child but then it made it even harder to explain myself if it wasn't.
It was no good telling them because they weren't suppose to know or understand either.

Not able to understand what happened to you is a very strange nasty feeling, just these unforgotten unexplained things going inside your mind.
It can never be a lie if it's never forgotten, I only wish it was because It wouldn't be there to haunt you for life.
It happened every school I went to, I was unaware of whether it was happening to other children or not until we were adults.
Before I knew it was happening to other children as well me, I thought I was having nightmares, hearing and or seeing things in my mind.
We were just far too young to know and understand what was going on.
I have met many people who I went to school with during adult they have been through the same things in the same schools.
I wasn't alone after all I just didn't know that a lot of the children went through it too.
It's haunted us all our lives, even today, it's hard to explain.
If you know what I'm taking about and it's happened to you, I'm willing to help you if you want someone to talk to on sarajgorman@googlemail.com 30.9.2010

Time to listen to children.

Time to listen to children, you never know what you are going to hear.
You can't be there with children twenty - four hours a day so you can't say what they tell is or isn't true.
If a child goes on about the same thing a lot, then it's true, something needs to be done.
Children need to be listened to, this is the same for people with disabilities and Health problems all ages.
It's time to listen carefully and take more time with people who take to be understood and heard otherwise could be disbelieving something that really happened.
Take more time to understand all human beings.
They could be telling you something that has happened but will damage the rest of their lives if nothing has been done about it.
This could damage their minds like it has damaged mine, don't let that happen to them.
We all know that most kids can tell lies but if somethings can be tried to be said once too often enough and is serious, that's the time to listen and take action that will help to be happy again. sarajgorman@googlemail.com 30.9.2010


You only live once.

Do anything you want this could be your only or last chance in life.
Help someone who wants to give things a go, it could be there only and last chance too.
Help someone who needs more help than you.
Remember it could have been you if not them.
Don't let theirs and your chances slip.

There's nothing worse than been left out, how would like to give something a go but no one is there to help you if you need help?
Everyone looks at you at if you are squib and thick, that's not the case you just need a bit more help than most people.
Your left out because it seems as if the rest of the world can have a normal life, you can't. ( What's normal at the end of the day?)
What are we missing out on?

Crashing cars and screaming kids is something we can do without but what's missing is looking in the mirror everyday seeing another you.
See how different and better life can be for your child than it was for you, not to say that life was all bad and all good for you.

There seems to be full of lovers, you feel like your boyfriend's child when you need more help than others rather than his girlfriend. (You feel useless when your relationship breaks up.)

There are too many benefit traps around jobs but the world is a very lonely place without a career, study and work.

You feel left out when know you help from them but what they realise is what is like to need more help unless learning disabilities and Mental Health problems happen to them.

Things that happened a long time ago are always in your head.
The memories are always there but words never really come out to be understood or even said.
So you see faces and hear voices inside your head.
No one understands unless it happens to them.
The world looks at you really strange, whatever you have said and or listened to doesn't make sense.
They think your nuts because you don't make sense to them.
No, they are nuts because it doesn't make sense to you.

You try to grab life with both hands but people are in your faces all the time when don't need but no one is really there to give you a helping hand when you do need it.
You want to give it a go because you are only on the earth once so why were we born at all?
At least you have tried if you haven't succeed.

My real Father isn't my Father, I haven't know him long enough he's my friend.
He doesn't know a great deal about my life so he's the only one in the family doesn't know me. 2th October 2010


Get by.

Times are rather hard, money is tight, even though you don't get a lot of chance to hold me tight, still we're happy enough.
It's not just money problems it's other things in my life too but no worries it's not you.
I've been through good and bad before, I will get by just like I've always have done.
Not sleeping well but over tried with things on my mind.
Somehow I'll manage my work.
I'm worried about losing my work and business.
I will either run the business with support or not all.
My work means a lot to me so do you, even though I don't have enough private time with you.
Strangely I miss you even though I see you.
There's so much to tell you but very litte time to say it. 2nd October 2010

Rape, rape.

Rape rape has damaged my mind.
Rape has riped me up for 33yrs but not all my life has been black and white.
Memories are still there but thankfully now flashbacks and nightmares are very little compared to what they used to be.
From the age of a 7 year old child it happened until I was a 33 year old woman.
I have tried so hard to blank it out but it hasn't been easy.
It has been hard to explain, which is why I never got understood or believed.
It shouldn't surprise me that none would understand.

Our eyes are our doors.

Our eyes are our doors, we close and open.
We never know what nights and days are until our eyes that are doors are open.
Sometimes we can't close our eyes that are doors at all when too much is on our minds about things we may and should and shouldn't know.
Sometimes we are only told half the story, we may have to wait until tomorrow comes, forever or not at all.
Some days and nights are different.
Other days and nights are all the same.
Some things have to start and finish but others don't happen at all.
Other things stay as they are, whether it's Good bad life is life sometimes for a good reason other times for a bad.
Sometimes tomorrow is known other times it's unknown, sometimes it's better off unknown but most of the time it needs to be known.
At times life can be cure thins happen that shouldn't.
Life is what you make but not everything happens by our choice, which doesn't leave us completely free.
When it comes to the government no one is free but no one is completely naughty.
We all need some control but not over controlled.
To be fare the world needs a balance so nothing is too fare or too unfair, which never seems to happen. 4.10.10

Open our doors open our eyes.

Good morning time, there's very little freedom for us all.

Open our doors open our eyes.
The world is a mess in so much debt, we have been too greedy.
Now the world is losing money so one day it will all come to an end.
The future is unknown.
As one door closes another one opens.
Hello, to the good, goodbye to the bad.
Hello, to the bad, goodbye to the good.
That's the way life always is and that all it ever can be. 4.10.10

Close our doors close our eyes.

We need to clear out of our minds before we can close our doors and eyes on the old thoughts to bring new thoughts.
We mustn't worry about a thing, otherwise we could be bringing something bad into something good.
How can you feel good at the same time as feeling bad but somehow we do?
Sooner or later you need to be getting out of the bad to get into the good, we shouldn't mix good and bad but it seems to happen.
Nothing is good all the while, things may be either a little rough or crash for life.
The world used to be beautiful, we had very little war and very little crime was notice at time.
It good to know that we notice more crime but bad to know it happens, ever badder to know that it happen and wasn't notice.
Some many things in life weren't notice a long time ago but more and more is notice now.
A never ending story and a never ending poem.
Making plans for the future without even knowing what the future is going be or not even realizing that there may not be any future.
Never make plans let the future be.
No safety in the world.
No surprise to anyone when there's too much crime by people who don't do their time, too much and greed with money that's going going gone.
We need help to understand life, what is it about?
Why were we born, why do we die?
Why are we here in the first place?
Let the rain be sunshine, Sunshine be rain.
Not too cold not too hot.
Let there be safety not danger. 4.10.10


You mean the world.

When I first met you, I didn't know who you were.
I was going through far too much pain from my last relationship to be aware of the rest of the world around me.
I was too numb with pain to love and to know I was loved, love was the last thing I thought would happen again.

When I started talking to you I felt good but I had no idea that you felt more for me than just a friend.

I was far too hurt to know what the future was going to bring to any part of life.
It was a big surprise to find out that you were interested in me, that's one of the reasons I didn't go for it right away, it's also the fact I didn't know you and as I say the pain I was going through with the last heart break.
I didn't expect someone to pain interest in me so sudden that's why I was unsure.

Since then my feelings have just got stronger but I'm now scared in case my feelings are too strong for you, it's not just about my feelings, it's about yours too.
If you wouldn't have never paid interest in me, I would have kept how I felt to myself in fear that you may have not been interested or and you could have been with someone already.
I wouldn't have wanted to spoil your happiness if you were taken for already just because my happiness came to an end.

Now that I'm with you, I will be truthful to say that I don't want to lose you.
That's why I keep trying not to build my hopes up but that's not an easy thing to do with a lovely guy like you, you can never be sure that anything is for life but never say never.
I don't want to make you feel as if you are force to be with me.
I must be brave and strong, I'm a middle aged woman now, I have been through enough heart aches and disappointment but I can't take anymore.
When I first met you I had been going through a heart break for two years.
Sorry I didn't say yes right away, my head was just all over the place.

Sorry if I have misunderstood your feelings towards me, I will move on If I have misunderstood you.
I don't want to step in your way, tread on on your toes, be around when I'm not wanted and so on.
I don't want to make you want me if you don't want me.
I understand that it's not all about me, your feelings count too but I would be lier if I said I don't love you.
If you don't feel for me the same way as I do about you, I have to live with it and be strong. 10.10.10


Love and pain.

You can't walk away from love until you don't love.
Falling in love is easy but walking away from pain is hard.
It's very hard to put peoples' feelings a side when they don't feel the same as they do.
Different people walk into your life, make out they love you, leave you and break your heart.
Love and pain seems like a never ending thing when it's long but knocks you to sick when it breaks. 10.10.10

Why do I love you?

Why do I love you?
If only I knew why, only how handsome, kind, a understanding gentleman
you are.
Why do I put myself through so much pain?
Here I am again!
I took so long to get over the last person who broke my heart.
If I love someone I can't walk away altogether but I can't force someone to love me if they don't love me. 10.10.10

What's going on?

Is there still you and me?
Many thoughts go round my head because we don't get a lot of private time together.
I will put my feelings to side and think of yours instead, I understand it's not all about me, it's about you as well, that's how I want it to be.
Whatever makes you happy makes me happy but sad deep down.
Stay where you are if that's what you want, I'm here as long as you want me.
You will never lose my friendship, our future is unknown.
May be I worry too much, I don't want to jump the gun but then I don't want to put a trap on your life.
I don't want to hope too much and I don't want to make you think that you have to feel the same about me as I do about you.
I am not going to lie, my feelings are very strong towards you.
I am preparing myself just in case I lose your love.
No matter how many heart breaks I have, I will keep on loving but not when I am still in love.
May be I won't anymore feel the warmth of your arms close to mine.
May be I won't feel the way you used to hold me so close anymore.
May be it's a long time coming, we may get there in the end.
We may not get there at all but I'm there for you as long as you want me to be.
If you do feel the same way about me as I do about you, then you are worth as long as the wait takes even if it's forever more.
10.10.10

Here you go again!

You loved me twice.
You dumped me twice.
Now you want me back again.
How many chances do you want?
You've hurt me a lot more than once.
I thought I would never stop loving you but finely I walked away.
You will never stop me from moving on how I want to despite the pain you have put me through.
It's not my fault that you didn't love me when I loved you.
You've been playing nasty games with my mind.
Now it's too late, you only have yourself to blame.
I always thought you loved me but I believe now that I was wrong.
You don't love me, you only love yourself.
You are only saying you love me because I'm not in your life anymore. 10.10.10


Good friends.

You are a good friend, I only wish you could be more.
You have been great support.
You were there for me not long after he broke my heart.
You helped me to strong enough to carry, I thank you.
Without your support I would have let him put a hold on my life.
There's still a lot of damage inside me to clear but slowly I'm getting there.
It will still take me a long time before I start feeling really good about myself again but you make me feel even better. 10.10.10

The loser.

Once I thought you were the man for me but now I'm glad it didn't turn out to be.
People told me that you weren't the man for me but I didn't listen to a word they said to me.

I thought I knew it all.
Now I realize that I'm better off without you.
I don't even want to see you, you hurt me that much.
I wish I never met and loved you.
I wish I never gave you a second chance after you left me the first time.
Now that I don't love you anymore, I can't believe that I ever did loved you at all.
The more I loved you the more you hurt me.


Now that I don't love you anymore, you don't hurt me anymore.
Nothing ever matched between us, it was wrong for us to fall in love.
You knew I loved you so much but it too me years to realize that you didn't love me.
Now I don't love you anymore, you make out you love me because you have no one hurt anymore.

I was too blind to realize that your love for me was a lie and even still is and always will be.
I had put up with your trickily mind games too many years far too long.
If you treat anyone else like you treated me, you will spend the rest of your life alone.
One day someone will hurt you like you hurt me, then it will hit you hard.

You always played tricks with my mind.
One minute you loved me the next you didn't.
I can't believe I ever was a your victim of hate and love for so long.
You used to give me wonderful dreams and nasty nightmares but not always at the same time.

Butterflies flow and swam through my stomach when you made me feel good.
Panic attacks would go through all over my body when you made me feel bad.
My stomach would turn over as if I was on a very fast fairground ride.
You may have broken my heart but whatever my future is to be, I'm glad to say that I don't want to be with you anymore you see.
Despite of the damage you have put me through, you will never stop me from doing what I want to do,which has nothing to do with you. 31.10.10

Changes.

Time to let there is to be.
Time for peace.
Not to hope expect anyyhing at all.
Never say it will ever end.
Let the damaged past mend.
Getting to know one's self all over again.
Believe in one's self.
It will take one's own time to feel one's self again.
Too soon for heavy love.
There's no harm in friendly love.
Companionship from one whose been through the same as one.
One becomes two of us me and you.
We're not the first who have been hurt, we won't be the last.
It's tremendous to be independent but to be faithful.
We all make mistakes how many of us learn from them?
My mistakes have been loving men who have hurt me but I guess we have both been as bad as one another.
I just got too close to them and I hoped for too much.
Now it's time to take it easy, one isn't getting any younger but I admit my feelings for you are getting stronger. 4.11.10

My secert lover.

May be I don't show my feelings towards you, may be you do know how I feel towards you.
There are too many people around us and I am scared in case I frightened you away.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I know you like me but I like you more and more.
I know I didn't say right away, I didn't expect you to pay interest in me.
I was still getting over the last love who is no love.
Facing you is hard when I know how I feel but I get by.
We just need to carry taking our time just like we have been doing and keeping it quite.
Even our time to together when if we get it together.
It comes to those who wait as long as it takes. 4.11.10


Sorry John, I didn't mean to hurt you.

It was his 17th birthday some time in June 2001, It was a very hot evening.
The windows of the Flying Dutchman pub, Warstones, Wolverhampton was streaming or I may have been dreaming.
When me and my ex partner were a couple, One that very night we were outside in the beer garden walking around smoking a cigarette.

Even though the pub has been closed down quite a few years this memory still stands in my mind.
I gave Antonio his second chance to love me again he hurt after he hurt me before, I thought I knew it all.
I thought he loved me better the second time better than the first time, I was wrong.
Now that I don't have feelings for him anymore, he now makes out he loves me again but I'm no foal to to him no more.


I was blind to see that he didn't give a dam about this 17 year old boy who winked his eye at me as if to say hi.
I wouldn't have wanted a problem between Antonio and John.
Little did I realized that Antonio didn't love me for me.


I felt so ashamed not feeling the same as what he did.
He was such a nice young man, I guess still is.
Having been an older woman I would still felt feelings of shame whatever would have happened.


I don't think he knew nothing about love.
I didn't know enought about love but I should have done.
I should have known better.

I could see him trying not to stare as sweat was pumped out of him everywhere, poor lad.
He started to worry me as he made me nervus when he was looking at me.
As my heart begain to race and I almost in a panic attack.
sweat started to pump out of me too.
I was hoping he'd walk away from where I was.
He walked up closely to me.
He looked at me as if he wanted to speak but he didn't know what to say.
His face went bright red with shyness.


I felt so ashame that I didn't feel the same way but I still would have felt ashamed if I did.
I had too much respeat for him to lie or and lead him.
I just only hope he has met a nice girl a lot younger than me.
He was lovely all the same.
Even thought we didn't get together.
I still feel as if I should have known better.


Now those ten years have gone by.
I still feel full of guilt and regret.
If things would have been the opposite I would have still felt the same.

I hope the fact that we didn't get together saved us a lot of heart ache towards one another.
Some things we don't like happen for the best.
May be it wasn't to be.
May be I did or didn't do the right thing after all.
He may have now lost interest in me in the end.
He may hate me for not giving him the experince he may have wanted.
He might repected me for been honest with him.
I hope have I made myself understood.

The only way I feel pain is wishing I was his age.
What scars me is the fact that he may have more sense than me.

I knew who he was, his name was John.
I knew his Mum and Dad.
I felt so ashamed for not feeling the same as him.
He was such a nice young man.
Whatever I would have became of me and John I would have felt as if I wasn't doing the right thing.

I am not been nasty I would like to be someone's lover not Mother or Daughter.
I used to be friends with his Mother but we ended falling out.
She wasn't that many years older me.
If only I was the same age as him knowing what I knew at the time or even better what I know today at the age of 41.
I felt so luckey to have been loved by someone so young.
Knowing that he felt this way towards me he made me feel like his age at that time all over again.

This may not make sense but I forgot what it felt like to be 17.
If only I knew at 17 what I knew 31.
If only I knew at 31 what I know now at 41.
I was so old he was so young.

I felt so luckey to have been loved by someone so young, it bought back my youth again.
At the same time it made me feel ashamed however I felt.
I knew I had to control how I felt, I didn't feel it was right older woman having feelings for a teenage boy.
I still wouldn't have felt as if I had done right.


What did he want with an old fool like me?
I was 31 old enought to be his Mum.
In the end she hated me.
She blamed me for fansying her son when it was the other way round.
I don't think she believed me, she should have done when she knew I had a partner already. 21.11.2010

Chapter five, Break up

For six mouths Jacky had been stopping with different friends here, there and everywhere. She hadn't seen Mark since he kicked her out of his flat. It caused her one big mess with her benefits and everything. Mark's promises and lies also lost her child and bought her load of depression on before and after the birth because she had the child taken off.

The birth had come and gone far too quickly. It was unknown to Jacky whether she had a girl or a boy because she knew she wasn't going to see he or she. The baby was taken away from her so quickly at New Cross hospital Wolverhampton. Jacky managed to get her own room so she didn't have to see other Mothers holding their babies. Jacky broke down and cried.Even though she didn't want to give the baby up, she felt guilty for giving he or she up. There wasn't enough support to get her a home and help her to look after the baby. Her friends Karen and Hana who didn't have disabilities offered to support her but she felt as if she was putting a block on their lives, Social services didn't allow it anyway.

It was only a mouth after the child was born that Social services didn't let Jacky know what had happened to the child. Other that the fact Jacky was shocked to find out Mark was putting the child in and out of care, which she wasn't very happy about. Jacky broke down in tears, as she spoke to Jeanette with Jet black hair in a pony tail, she wore a brown and cream striped jumped.

" How could you all let this happen, I knew I was going to lose my baby but it's just as unsafe to give he or she up to a drunk Father."

" Jacky he may be drunk but he doesn't have disabilities."

" Mark's drunkenness is his own fault, my disabilities aren't."

" The baby won't be fed Jennette, Mark will drink the money away."

" Sorry Jacky that's the way it goes,I have no control what happens, you look after yourself now."

" He is the Father of the child, Jacky."

" I'm the Mother of the child, he can do something about his drinking, I can't do anything about my disabilities, how does anyone think that makes me feel?"

" Just because I can't look after my child, it doesn't mean I don't worry like any other Mother, in fact I worry more."

"People think because I have disabilities, I don't have feelings, cause I do, I'm human like everyone else you know!"

In the end Jennette just walked but at the same she felt useless, she so wanted to help Jacky but she just had to do her job. Everything Jacky had said Jennette she was right, that's what hurt the most.

It turned out that Jacky started drinking heavy herself but she wouldn't have done if she would have had support to have and keep her child. It was a long depressing road until Jacky got back to her happy self and again. She couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. She had good and bad days. It affected her that baby, she was on the verge of taking her own life.

Jacky, Karen and Hana had a long day shopping, which started off a good day for Jacky. Shop until they dropped, they called it. Walking into Beatles car park at 5.00pm. Jacky started to feel unwell and sad again. Karen and Hana couldn't believe Jacky's change of mood suddenly at the end of the day. Jacky had suffered depression for quite a few years before then.

" What's wrong with you, Jacky we've had a good laugh today?" said Karen

Jacky didn't answer as she started to feel dizzy but it didn't stop her from hanging her head over Beatles car park as her long blond hair came down. Jacky screamed as millions of people froze as they stared. Hana and Karen were trying to stop her but Jacky was having none of it.

" I don't care, I'm going down now, good bye everyone."

" Don't go, Jacky." cried Karen

Someone outside the car park called the police, as Hana tried to walk Jacky to the car but she kept kicking off and screaming.

" Are you alright, Madam?"

" This is unnecessary sir, we have it under control." said Hana

Jacky was still kicking screaming and shouting.

" Calm down, madam." said the Policeman

Jacky calmed down when she wanted to.

Hana took no notice of Jacky, she just managed somehow to put her in the car. In the mean time Karen had a word with Jacky.

" What's wrong with you today, we started to have a good day?"

Jacky didn't answer.

" Calm down Jacky, breath in and out, you will be home soon."

Suddenly there came Mark as soon as he saw Jacky, he set Beatles car park on fire with a petrol bomb, as Hana and Karen tried getting Jacky in the car. Jacky knew then she had to get the car as fast she could as Hana and Karen rang the police. Hana and Karen knew they had to get the car as fast as they could for all their safeties. Drivers froze before they got into their car as flames rised up. People were pan icing and screaming inside and out the car park. Mark was shouting at Jacky accusing her of having the baby when she hadn't. She didn't even know what sex her child was. Mark got into his car as fast as he could with his car on fire as he drove fast through the town to Wednesfield Canal right through the water, then down to the Cannock road until the police caught as he was arrested. Police, firemen and ambiances were driving everywhere. 20 people dead through the fire and thirty people injured.

" Where's my child, Jacky?"

Jacky couldn't believe to see Mark there, she couldn't believe what she heard him say. This was the last thing Jacky needed as she was only just coming to terms with losing everything she ever what would happen. The lies that Mark made out to be true.

" Get away Mark!" said Hana

" Jacky is in this state only because of you, Mark." said Karen

This was were Jacky got inside the car because she didn't have anything to say to Mark. This was were he set the petrol bomb because he didn't get his own way. Hana had never drove as fast in her driving as she did that night.

Everything was fine until they got home, as Hana got out of her car, Jacky started kicking off in front of the neighbours. It got so tense that Hana and Karen were getting very strange looks. In the end Jacky tried to calm down as soon as Karen and Hana told her they didn't want her in prison.

Chapter Three Next Date

A week had passed yet again. Saturday mid morning early afternoon, Mark finely got round to calling Jacky. Mark hadn't long got up as he ate his fri up and strong cup of coffee.

" Good afternoon, Jacky what do you Fancy doing today?"

" Good afternoon, Mark I don't mind Mark as long as I am with you."

" What about meeting in the Moon Under Water?"

" Well it is a little noise in there Mark, hard to get a seat and to hear yourself speak."

" True Jacky but we can give a go and move somewhere if that's the case."

" Everywhere is busy on a Saturday Mark."

Jacky thought it would be nice just to pick a pizza and bottle to have at her place or his. On the other hand she thought it too early days yet, she didn't know what to do for the best.

" What about 7.00pm, Jacky?"

" That sounds fine Mark."

Mark had come up with idea of texting and phoning one another because of buses not always been on time. What made it even worse on that Saturday was that the Wolves match was on, which slowed the traffic down. Despite of that 559 was rather early for a Saturday night, which left Jacky waiting quite a while for Mark.
The wild wind was blowing litter everywhere, as Jacky phoned Mark to tell him that she was on her way into town.

" Are you already on the bus, Jacky?"

" I am just about to get on, Mark."

" Don't because I could be ages yet, I'm still waiting for the bus."

" Go back home, wait a while, I'll call you when I'm in town, I'll book a taxi for you and I'll pay for it."

" Oh thank you, Mark."

Jacky took a brisk walk home. The wild wind and dust blew everywhere, as Jacky blew her Norse. Old school friends tried to stop to chat to her as it was a case of hello and good bye, she didn't know how long Mark was going to take to contract her again. Jacky promised her friends that she'd call them. It was at least half an hour to an hour when Mark text ed her to tell her that he was finely in town.

As Jacky got out of the taxi, people outside the Moon Under Water stood begging Jacky for cigarettes and money as Mark got hold of hard to walk her to side of the pub.

It was 8.30pm to 8.45pm, the pub was packed out. Jacky right about not been able to get a seat or speak. The bar was also packed, they only just about got served. Jacky drank Bankness Mild and Matter drank bitter, they stood up. They popped out for a cigarette. They both felt packed like sardines in the pub. Jacky was too polite to complaint about not liking packed pubs.

" This no good Jacky, we can't speak in there."

" Well I told you this will happen Mark, what now?"

" Your place or mine, Jacky."

" Mine because my bus is quicker than yours."

" What about picking up a pizza and a bottle of wine, Jacky?"

" Oh that sounds good, Mark because there's no where quiet on a Saturday night."

" We should have waited until tomorrow really, hay we can still out tomorrow, can't we Jacky would you like that?"

" Oh that sounds great Mark."

It was hard to have a date in such a noise atmosphere plus it wasn't private, which they should have thought about in the first place.

They only had to wait a few minutes for the bus as Jacky scanned her Disabled bus passed and Mark paid £1.70. Mark bought a bottle of wine from Jacky's local pub called the Tiger as Jacky paid for the pizza in the Fish and Chip shop down the road.

" Red or white wine, Madam!"

" White wine, please Mark."

It had been a long evening but everything happened so quickly not that they wanted to rush into things but they picked a very busy night in the pub. They had learned a lot of things from one another. Jacky thought Mark had learned a lot about her LD, was she right or wrong? They were taking their time, Mark didn't want to push Jacky into anything she wanted to do. They looked on the bright side that night, at least they saved a little more money. Mark stopped night but there was no bedroom contract at that point.

Home Date

When they got to Jacky's flat, Jacky dished out the pizza as Mark poured out the wine.

" Jacky, you are just who I am looking for and I found her, you."

" That's very nice to know, Mark." as Jacky laughed not believing what she had just heard.

" I love your long Blondie hair, blue eyes and there's something about brown leather jackets I like too."

" Your a very strange man, Mark."

" I know I am, Jacky."

The pair sat down to eat.

" Nice cheese and tomato pizza, didn't you make it yourself Jacky?"

" Very funny Mark, you know I didn't."

both of them laughed

Mark asked Jacky her age.

" How old are you, Jacky?"

" I'm 27, Mark."

" You look a lot younger than than that but 27 is younger enough."

" What's that suppose to mean, Mark?" Jacky laughed

" It's nice to be told that I look young but I don't want to be too young to go in pubs."

" Sorry Jacky, I am not very good at dates, I am just thinking about something to say."

" Your doing alright, so far Mark."

Both of them laughed.

" You are a very interesting looking guy with your shiny flicked back hair, leather jacket and those lovely brown eyes".

Mark's eyes raised broadly as he kissed Jacky.

" How old are you Mark?"

" 37, Jacky."

" I love men who are more grown up, they all silly my age."

" Believe me, I am not grown up, Jacky."

" Is there anything else I need to know about you, Mark?"

" I don't have a very interesting history, other than I am guitarist who can't sing, that's why I couldn't make fame."

" Oh never Mind, Mark, you win some you lose some."

The look on Mark's face was sad because he really wanted be famous but he just rised above it.It hurt Mark very much when he lost his music career. He was turned down just because he couldn't sing.

I used to be a fireman for a short while but then at 5.8 in height, they realized I wasn't tall enough."

" I was a bit too small to slide down the pole so that wasn't good enough for them, that was another career I was very hurt to lose."

They both took a deep breath.

" Wow, Mark it's shame it didn't last." as Jacky smile

" I wish I had my guitar on me, I would have played you a few cores."

" That's ok, may be next time Mark."

" I write poetry, Mark may be I can help you write your songs."

" No as I said I can't sing."

" No worries Mark I lost my Creative writing course through the cutback."

" May be I can look out for something you want to do with writing, Jacky."

" Oh thanks, Mark."

" I keep getting turned down for jobs because of my disabilities or they give me the boring jobs sweeping floors."

As they both laughed together.

" I wasn't good looking enough good looking enough to be a Fireman, Jacky."

" Of course you were and still are." as she laugh

" Oh thanks, Jacky." as he smiled

" What do you do now, Mark?"

" I'm just a boring old car fixer, does that put you off?"

" No of course not, Mark." as Jacky laughed

Suddenly they both started to feel a bit sleepy and drunk as they both fell asleep on the settee.

Chapter One Speed Dating without Speed Dating.

It was 6.00pm when Mark Jones was wondering around the City streets of Wolverhampton on a wet rainy evening. It was rough cold and wildly. His jet black curly hair and leather jacket was soaked to the skin. Mark had a long bad day at work when he didn't normally work on a Saturday. Never the less he still had a look around to see where he could find a good pint of beer, he just took luck.

It was 7.00pm when Mark walked into the Lighthouse. Mark was a unknown person, he came from West Brom.

Mark spoke to the barmaid who also had jet black hair but in a bun. She had told there was a Speed dating event for people with learning disabilities just about to start. Mark thought it sounded fun even though he didn't have LD himself.

" Can I watch to see what it's like."
" Well you will have to sit away from this bar but you can still see what's going on,"

" Oh great, thanks."

Mark found it very interesting, as he caught his eye on long blonde haired Jacky Mind. What he also found interesting was how the men took it turns to talk to each woman, the fact the women didn't have to move.

Mark hated to try his luck with Jacky because she was one of Speed Dating members but he found her so attractive. The thought that she may have hit a date with someone made him feel jealous but he tried his luck in the end anyway. Mark was dieing for the event to be finished so he could chase Jacky out of the door. Mark felt ashamed feeling how he felt, he thought he may have scared her, which wasn't what he wanted to do.

It was 9.00pm when the event ended, as he followed her out of the door then stopped. She looked surprised and wondered what this strange man wanted from her. Jacky was just about to get her bus home when Mark stopped her.

" Sorry to make you jump and sorry this is so sudden, would you like my mobile number?"

" It's ok, you didn't make me jump."

"May be we can meet up for a drink sometime, sorry it's so sudden, what is your name lady?"

" My name is Jacky Mind, I will take your number and think about it, what is your name?"

" My name is Mark Jones."

" You don't have to ring me if you don't want to Jacky, this was a bit unexpected for you."

" Can I take you to the bus stop, Jacky, how are getting home."
" I am getting the bus, yes I would like you to take me to the bus stop, thank you."

" That's no problem, Jacky."

They walked to the 559 bus stop, as they made it just in time. Mark manged to just kiss Jacky on the cheek, as the driver was in such a hurry to go.

Mark started to feel guilty as he felt strongly about Jacky too quicky but he would have accepted it if she didn't contract him. He thought he may have scared her away. He felt very anry with himself. He only thought about his own feelings in the end not how Jacky felt. Her long blonde hair and her blue eyes were only on his mind. He ended up building Jacky's hopes up far too much. His lies promising a world that he couldn't give to her. Yet by chasing her too quick, he thought he blew it.

ACTION SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

CHAPTER ONE INTRODUCTION

We are all told that we are all born for a reason. Life is very strange to the reasons why we are here yet it's too short then we died. We don't expect good all the time but it's nice to have the rights to make the most of this short life.
When you have learning disabilities that isn't always possible to everyone because your choices are limited to what you can do and have to wait until if someone can support you.

Nine out of ten times the rest of the world doesn't stop to think, they are wrapped up in their own lives. We should have equal rights life we hate feeling the odd ones out to the rest of society. Most people don't stop to think about how LD would affect their lives.

Most people tend to think that we think enjoy asking for help all the time, we don't just like you wouldn't.

How can life be what you make it, if you haven't got any or limited choices?
Achieves what they want to achieve but how many people with learning disabilities? I am not saying that goes for everyone in the world of people with LD but most people.

Let's not jump any guns as every LD is different some people have limit choice but others have no choices at all. We understand in some cases you can't always help 100% but you can learn to understand. An example of choice is, what to have for breakfast in the morning. I am Lucky I am not limit to that choice but some people are. There other choices in life that I am limited to. Everyone is different, you learn in the person. For eg; two people with the same LD may not find the same things hard. Just expect anything you come across.

We are told it's a free country, it's a free world. Saying that it would be a dangerous world if were able get up to no good all the time so we need a balance our choice. Changing the subject slightly it's very important to teach children right from wrong from the start otherwise they don't grow up to be nice people. These days they can do what they want because the law won't let adults put them on the right track like we used to be able to.

Most people have choices and control when it comes to their lives others don,t in circles of people with and without LD. Friendships and relationships are very hard thing anyway but when you have LD you are hard work to society and your can only be equal so much or not at all. This isn't to wave magic wands but raise awareness, that apply to all areas of our lives. When it comes to friendships and relationships lack communication and understanding can affect how we get along with people. We understand that lots of people have had failed relationships it wouldn't surprise me if people with LD than without. This is something I should have checked in my research but I will and I will let you know about % and everything. Here's an example of of lack of communication and understanding.See if you can google find out how many people with LD have had failed relationships compared to people without. Please email me on sarajgorman@googlemail.com to tell me what you have found out, thank you.

" Please cook my breakfast."
" Cook your own."
" No because everytime I try to cook, I burn myself."
" I will but your having egg on toast."
" I don't want egg on toast,I want a fri up, please help me cook it."
" No I will cook egg on toast for you."
" How am I can I learn if your doing it for me."
" I haven't got all day I have other things to do."

This is a completely different topic to friendships and relationships but it's still an example of a person with a LD trying to make themselves understood. It's not a nice a thing because you want to do things yourself but you have learned to accept that you can't for so long because you have always been controlled. That person is refusing to help than person instead he or she is doing it for them? Is it right or wrong? Is that person without LD helping that person with LD to learn how to cook or not? Try and guess how the person with LD felt after all that, let's hear your story of what may have afterwards. Make up your own story about the two characters with and without LD. Tell me how much you understand about LD. How do you think the person with LD must have behaved towards the person without he or she cooked he or she's breakfast? Did the person with LD want egg on toast? Please email me on sarajgorman@googlemail.com
thank you.

It's strange to think that Mark was writing an Advert for the Wolverhampton Express and Star. How could anyone lie about what he wants? The strange thing was, he met Jackey Mind before he put the Advert in the paper.
Long blonde hair, blue eyes, leather jacket, 5.4 in height, a female with learning disabilities. Someone who likes red, wine and pizzas.

Mark was 37 years of age, jet black hair, dark brown, 5.8 in height
and wore a black leather jacket.
Mark used to be a guitarist who used to be Self-Employed in shop work, became a Fireman and then fixing cars. A lot of these things happened before he met Jacky. Mark was hoping to make fame but he could'nt sing but he could play the guitar.

The story I am introducing and writing is about a young lady 27, with LD, her name was Jackey Mind. What do think was going through her mind? Her choices to her life were controlled by society. She felt like the odd one out to the rest of society. ( How would you feel in Jackey's shoe?

Cutbacks on LD services.

We all know there's big worry about these cutback for everyone and all services not just for people with LD. These cutbacks are more a worry for people with LD, families and carers because we need more support to live our lives. These are the things I'm aware of that the government is cutting back on, DLA, Incapacity and Housing benefit, transport, police, libraries, colleges and other public services. For eg; Social care. If these cutbacks are affecting you in anyway as a person with disabilities and Mental Health problems, Elderly, family members, parents and carers. Please contract me on sarajgorman@googlemail.com I am a learning Disability MP People's Parliament. I can report your views to the rest of the LD MPS, then write to the Houses of Parliament to make them aware of your views.