Poetry update.

You are never happy.

You spent so long trying to get me out of your life, that's what it felt like to me.
Now that I have gone you miss me, you don't what you have lost until you have lost it.
At the time you really hurt me but I really loved you.
Now that I am out of your life, I don't love you anymore.
I know you want me back in your life.
I have know you long enough to know whatever happens your never happy with.
You have lost my love, you only have yourself to blame. 26.9.2010

Things on your mind.

There can be things on your mind all the time.
Most of the time you think of things that happened a long time ago.
No matter how hard you try to blank these thoughts out you never forget.
These are very often things that are hard to talk about and explain yet never understood.
We can feel frightened to say anything at all.
For me it happened at school.
A lot of people told me it was all in my mind but it's always there never forgotten no matter how hard I try to forget.
Why has it been there all my life, yet I have tried so hard to blank it out?
I have learning disabilities, I don't have the same understanding as other people yet I'm not alone in the world anymore, I never was, I only thought I was alone. 30.9.2010

Unheard voice.

When you have learning disabilities, you are always children in the eyes of society.
Nothing has seemed to have changed, I guess it never will but it still seems as if not a lot has changed in the last 30 years or more, that's not been understood or listened to.
After not been listened to, understand or believed by adults when I was a child.
It carried on far too long into my young adult years.
I guess I never got heard because of my learning disabilities.
It's as if people knew that I wasn't suppose to know anything but I knew I had been hurt in some way, explaining it was hard.
I knew nothing but a long true nightmare that I still can't get out my head from the age of seven upwards, now I am 41.
This happened to me more than once and more than one person.
It's just so hard to explain, which not a lot has changed when it first began.
It happened so long ago.
I shouldn't try to tell because I don't know what happened yet I don't forget.
It doesn't make any sense but strange as it sounds it's true that strange unexpected things even now still come out of the blue. 30.9.2010

Time to go to bed.

It was time to go to bed, us girls chatted for a while.
The Housemother told us off to get to sleep ready for school the next morning.
My mind was full of unexplained stress that I wasn't suppose to know yet it happened to me.
It was no good telling the kids, they weren't suppose to know either.
We were little children little babies who were learning about life yet there was very little to learn at that time.
Everyone fell a sleep all but not me, I wasn't the best of sleepers anyway but all what I didn't understand was playing on my mind I was far too young to know but I should have known what happened, it was too hard understand and tell anyone.
I wasn't just a child, I was a child with learning disabilities.
I held my ginger German teddy bear named Hands, I felt so alone.
Every time I tried to sleep I could hear and see the big evil moister attacking me.
I lay there thinking how I was going to tell grown ups but I didn't have a clue.


It's hard to talk.

I just cried all night.
Every time I faced a child, I felt so alone in the world.
I kept hoping it wasn't happening to any other child but then it made it even harder to explain myself if it wasn't.
It was no good telling them because they weren't suppose to know or understand either.

Not able to understand what happened to you is a very strange nasty feeling, just these unforgotten unexplained things going inside your mind.
It can never be a lie if it's never forgotten, I only wish it was because It wouldn't be there to haunt you for life.
It happened every school I went to, I was unaware of whether it was happening to other children or not until we were adults.
Before I knew it was happening to other children as well me, I thought I was having nightmares, hearing and or seeing things in my mind.
We were just far too young to know and understand what was going on.
I have met many people who I went to school with during adult they have been through the same things in the same schools.
I wasn't alone after all I just didn't know that a lot of the children went through it too.
It's haunted us all our lives, even today, it's hard to explain.
If you know what I'm taking about and it's happened to you, I'm willing to help you if you want someone to talk to on sarajgorman@googlemail.com 30.9.2010

Time to listen to children.

Time to listen to children, you never know what you are going to hear.
You can't be there with children twenty - four hours a day so you can't say what they tell is or isn't true.
If a child goes on about the same thing a lot, then it's true, something needs to be done.
Children need to be listened to, this is the same for people with disabilities and Health problems all ages.
It's time to listen carefully and take more time with people who take to be understood and heard otherwise could be disbelieving something that really happened.
Take more time to understand all human beings.
They could be telling you something that has happened but will damage the rest of their lives if nothing has been done about it.
This could damage their minds like it has damaged mine, don't let that happen to them.
We all know that most kids can tell lies but if somethings can be tried to be said once too often enough and is serious, that's the time to listen and take action that will help to be happy again. sarajgorman@googlemail.com 30.9.2010


You only live once.

Do anything you want this could be your only or last chance in life.
Help someone who wants to give things a go, it could be there only and last chance too.
Help someone who needs more help than you.
Remember it could have been you if not them.
Don't let theirs and your chances slip.

There's nothing worse than been left out, how would like to give something a go but no one is there to help you if you need help?
Everyone looks at you at if you are squib and thick, that's not the case you just need a bit more help than most people.
Your left out because it seems as if the rest of the world can have a normal life, you can't. ( What's normal at the end of the day?)
What are we missing out on?

Crashing cars and screaming kids is something we can do without but what's missing is looking in the mirror everyday seeing another you.
See how different and better life can be for your child than it was for you, not to say that life was all bad and all good for you.

There seems to be full of lovers, you feel like your boyfriend's child when you need more help than others rather than his girlfriend. (You feel useless when your relationship breaks up.)

There are too many benefit traps around jobs but the world is a very lonely place without a career, study and work.

You feel left out when know you help from them but what they realise is what is like to need more help unless learning disabilities and Mental Health problems happen to them.

Things that happened a long time ago are always in your head.
The memories are always there but words never really come out to be understood or even said.
So you see faces and hear voices inside your head.
No one understands unless it happens to them.
The world looks at you really strange, whatever you have said and or listened to doesn't make sense.
They think your nuts because you don't make sense to them.
No, they are nuts because it doesn't make sense to you.

You try to grab life with both hands but people are in your faces all the time when don't need but no one is really there to give you a helping hand when you do need it.
You want to give it a go because you are only on the earth once so why were we born at all?
At least you have tried if you haven't succeed.

My real Father isn't my Father, I haven't know him long enough he's my friend.
He doesn't know a great deal about my life so he's the only one in the family doesn't know me. 2th October 2010


Get by.

Times are rather hard, money is tight, even though you don't get a lot of chance to hold me tight, still we're happy enough.
It's not just money problems it's other things in my life too but no worries it's not you.
I've been through good and bad before, I will get by just like I've always have done.
Not sleeping well but over tried with things on my mind.
Somehow I'll manage my work.
I'm worried about losing my work and business.
I will either run the business with support or not all.
My work means a lot to me so do you, even though I don't have enough private time with you.
Strangely I miss you even though I see you.
There's so much to tell you but very litte time to say it. 2nd October 2010

Rape, rape.

Rape rape has damaged my mind.
Rape has riped me up for 33yrs but not all my life has been black and white.
Memories are still there but thankfully now flashbacks and nightmares are very little compared to what they used to be.
From the age of a 7 year old child it happened until I was a 33 year old woman.
I have tried so hard to blank it out but it hasn't been easy.
It has been hard to explain, which is why I never got understood or believed.
It shouldn't surprise me that none would understand.

Our eyes are our doors.

Our eyes are our doors, we close and open.
We never know what nights and days are until our eyes that are doors are open.
Sometimes we can't close our eyes that are doors at all when too much is on our minds about things we may and should and shouldn't know.
Sometimes we are only told half the story, we may have to wait until tomorrow comes, forever or not at all.
Some days and nights are different.
Other days and nights are all the same.
Some things have to start and finish but others don't happen at all.
Other things stay as they are, whether it's Good bad life is life sometimes for a good reason other times for a bad.
Sometimes tomorrow is known other times it's unknown, sometimes it's better off unknown but most of the time it needs to be known.
At times life can be cure thins happen that shouldn't.
Life is what you make but not everything happens by our choice, which doesn't leave us completely free.
When it comes to the government no one is free but no one is completely naughty.
We all need some control but not over controlled.
To be fare the world needs a balance so nothing is too fare or too unfair, which never seems to happen. 4.10.10

Open our doors open our eyes.

Good morning time, there's very little freedom for us all.

Open our doors open our eyes.
The world is a mess in so much debt, we have been too greedy.
Now the world is losing money so one day it will all come to an end.
The future is unknown.
As one door closes another one opens.
Hello, to the good, goodbye to the bad.
Hello, to the bad, goodbye to the good.
That's the way life always is and that all it ever can be. 4.10.10

Close our doors close our eyes.

We need to clear out of our minds before we can close our doors and eyes on the old thoughts to bring new thoughts.
We mustn't worry about a thing, otherwise we could be bringing something bad into something good.
How can you feel good at the same time as feeling bad but somehow we do?
Sooner or later you need to be getting out of the bad to get into the good, we shouldn't mix good and bad but it seems to happen.
Nothing is good all the while, things may be either a little rough or crash for life.
The world used to be beautiful, we had very little war and very little crime was notice at time.
It good to know that we notice more crime but bad to know it happens, ever badder to know that it happen and wasn't notice.
Some many things in life weren't notice a long time ago but more and more is notice now.
A never ending story and a never ending poem.
Making plans for the future without even knowing what the future is going be or not even realizing that there may not be any future.
Never make plans let the future be.
No safety in the world.
No surprise to anyone when there's too much crime by people who don't do their time, too much and greed with money that's going going gone.
We need help to understand life, what is it about?
Why were we born, why do we die?
Why are we here in the first place?
Let the rain be sunshine, Sunshine be rain.
Not too cold not too hot.
Let there be safety not danger. 4.10.10


You mean the world.

When I first met you, I didn't know who you were.
I was going through far too much pain from my last relationship to be aware of the rest of the world around me.
I was too numb with pain to love and to know I was loved, love was the last thing I thought would happen again.

When I started talking to you I felt good but I had no idea that you felt more for me than just a friend.

I was far too hurt to know what the future was going to bring to any part of life.
It was a big surprise to find out that you were interested in me, that's one of the reasons I didn't go for it right away, it's also the fact I didn't know you and as I say the pain I was going through with the last heart break.
I didn't expect someone to pain interest in me so sudden that's why I was unsure.

Since then my feelings have just got stronger but I'm now scared in case my feelings are too strong for you, it's not just about my feelings, it's about yours too.
If you wouldn't have never paid interest in me, I would have kept how I felt to myself in fear that you may have not been interested or and you could have been with someone already.
I wouldn't have wanted to spoil your happiness if you were taken for already just because my happiness came to an end.

Now that I'm with you, I will be truthful to say that I don't want to lose you.
That's why I keep trying not to build my hopes up but that's not an easy thing to do with a lovely guy like you, you can never be sure that anything is for life but never say never.
I don't want to make you feel as if you are force to be with me.
I must be brave and strong, I'm a middle aged woman now, I have been through enough heart aches and disappointment but I can't take anymore.
When I first met you I had been going through a heart break for two years.
Sorry I didn't say yes right away, my head was just all over the place.

Sorry if I have misunderstood your feelings towards me, I will move on If I have misunderstood you.
I don't want to step in your way, tread on on your toes, be around when I'm not wanted and so on.
I don't want to make you want me if you don't want me.
I understand that it's not all about me, your feelings count too but I would be lier if I said I don't love you.
If you don't feel for me the same way as I do about you, I have to live with it and be strong. 10.10.10


Love and pain.

You can't walk away from love until you don't love.
Falling in love is easy but walking away from pain is hard.
It's very hard to put peoples' feelings a side when they don't feel the same as they do.
Different people walk into your life, make out they love you, leave you and break your heart.
Love and pain seems like a never ending thing when it's long but knocks you to sick when it breaks. 10.10.10

Why do I love you?

Why do I love you?
If only I knew why, only how handsome, kind, a understanding gentleman
you are.
Why do I put myself through so much pain?
Here I am again!
I took so long to get over the last person who broke my heart.
If I love someone I can't walk away altogether but I can't force someone to love me if they don't love me. 10.10.10

What's going on?

Is there still you and me?
Many thoughts go round my head because we don't get a lot of private time together.
I will put my feelings to side and think of yours instead, I understand it's not all about me, it's about you as well, that's how I want it to be.
Whatever makes you happy makes me happy but sad deep down.
Stay where you are if that's what you want, I'm here as long as you want me.
You will never lose my friendship, our future is unknown.
May be I worry too much, I don't want to jump the gun but then I don't want to put a trap on your life.
I don't want to hope too much and I don't want to make you think that you have to feel the same about me as I do about you.
I am not going to lie, my feelings are very strong towards you.
I am preparing myself just in case I lose your love.
No matter how many heart breaks I have, I will keep on loving but not when I am still in love.
May be I won't anymore feel the warmth of your arms close to mine.
May be I won't feel the way you used to hold me so close anymore.
May be it's a long time coming, we may get there in the end.
We may not get there at all but I'm there for you as long as you want me to be.
If you do feel the same way about me as I do about you, then you are worth as long as the wait takes even if it's forever more.
10.10.10

Here you go again!

You loved me twice.
You dumped me twice.
Now you want me back again.
How many chances do you want?
You've hurt me a lot more than once.
I thought I would never stop loving you but finely I walked away.
You will never stop me from moving on how I want to despite the pain you have put me through.
It's not my fault that you didn't love me when I loved you.
You've been playing nasty games with my mind.
Now it's too late, you only have yourself to blame.
I always thought you loved me but I believe now that I was wrong.
You don't love me, you only love yourself.
You are only saying you love me because I'm not in your life anymore. 10.10.10


Good friends.

You are a good friend, I only wish you could be more.
You have been great support.
You were there for me not long after he broke my heart.
You helped me to strong enough to carry, I thank you.
Without your support I would have let him put a hold on my life.
There's still a lot of damage inside me to clear but slowly I'm getting there.
It will still take me a long time before I start feeling really good about myself again but you make me feel even better. 10.10.10

The loser.

Once I thought you were the man for me but now I'm glad it didn't turn out to be.
People told me that you weren't the man for me but I didn't listen to a word they said to me.

I thought I knew it all.
Now I realize that I'm better off without you.
I don't even want to see you, you hurt me that much.
I wish I never met and loved you.
I wish I never gave you a second chance after you left me the first time.
Now that I don't love you anymore, I can't believe that I ever did loved you at all.
The more I loved you the more you hurt me.


Now that I don't love you anymore, you don't hurt me anymore.
Nothing ever matched between us, it was wrong for us to fall in love.
You knew I loved you so much but it too me years to realize that you didn't love me.
Now I don't love you anymore, you make out you love me because you have no one hurt anymore.

I was too blind to realize that your love for me was a lie and even still is and always will be.
I had put up with your trickily mind games too many years far too long.
If you treat anyone else like you treated me, you will spend the rest of your life alone.
One day someone will hurt you like you hurt me, then it will hit you hard.

You always played tricks with my mind.
One minute you loved me the next you didn't.
I can't believe I ever was a your victim of hate and love for so long.
You used to give me wonderful dreams and nasty nightmares but not always at the same time.

Butterflies flow and swam through my stomach when you made me feel good.
Panic attacks would go through all over my body when you made me feel bad.
My stomach would turn over as if I was on a very fast fairground ride.
You may have broken my heart but whatever my future is to be, I'm glad to say that I don't want to be with you anymore you see.
Despite of the damage you have put me through, you will never stop me from doing what I want to do,which has nothing to do with you. 31.10.10

Changes.

Time to let there is to be.
Time for peace.
Not to hope expect anyyhing at all.
Never say it will ever end.
Let the damaged past mend.
Getting to know one's self all over again.
Believe in one's self.
It will take one's own time to feel one's self again.
Too soon for heavy love.
There's no harm in friendly love.
Companionship from one whose been through the same as one.
One becomes two of us me and you.
We're not the first who have been hurt, we won't be the last.
It's tremendous to be independent but to be faithful.
We all make mistakes how many of us learn from them?
My mistakes have been loving men who have hurt me but I guess we have both been as bad as one another.
I just got too close to them and I hoped for too much.
Now it's time to take it easy, one isn't getting any younger but I admit my feelings for you are getting stronger. 4.11.10

My secert lover.

May be I don't show my feelings towards you, may be you do know how I feel towards you.
There are too many people around us and I am scared in case I frightened you away.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I know you like me but I like you more and more.
I know I didn't say right away, I didn't expect you to pay interest in me.
I was still getting over the last love who is no love.
Facing you is hard when I know how I feel but I get by.
We just need to carry taking our time just like we have been doing and keeping it quite.
Even our time to together when if we get it together.
It comes to those who wait as long as it takes. 4.11.10


Sorry John, I didn't mean to hurt you.

It was his 17th birthday some time in June 2001, It was a very hot evening.
The windows of the Flying Dutchman pub, Warstones, Wolverhampton was streaming or I may have been dreaming.
When me and my ex partner were a couple, One that very night we were outside in the beer garden walking around smoking a cigarette.

Even though the pub has been closed down quite a few years this memory still stands in my mind.
I gave Antonio his second chance to love me again he hurt after he hurt me before, I thought I knew it all.
I thought he loved me better the second time better than the first time, I was wrong.
Now that I don't have feelings for him anymore, he now makes out he loves me again but I'm no foal to to him no more.


I was blind to see that he didn't give a dam about this 17 year old boy who winked his eye at me as if to say hi.
I wouldn't have wanted a problem between Antonio and John.
Little did I realized that Antonio didn't love me for me.


I felt so ashamed not feeling the same as what he did.
He was such a nice young man, I guess still is.
Having been an older woman I would still felt feelings of shame whatever would have happened.


I don't think he knew nothing about love.
I didn't know enought about love but I should have done.
I should have known better.

I could see him trying not to stare as sweat was pumped out of him everywhere, poor lad.
He started to worry me as he made me nervus when he was looking at me.
As my heart begain to race and I almost in a panic attack.
sweat started to pump out of me too.
I was hoping he'd walk away from where I was.
He walked up closely to me.
He looked at me as if he wanted to speak but he didn't know what to say.
His face went bright red with shyness.


I felt so ashame that I didn't feel the same way but I still would have felt ashamed if I did.
I had too much respeat for him to lie or and lead him.
I just only hope he has met a nice girl a lot younger than me.
He was lovely all the same.
Even thought we didn't get together.
I still feel as if I should have known better.


Now those ten years have gone by.
I still feel full of guilt and regret.
If things would have been the opposite I would have still felt the same.

I hope the fact that we didn't get together saved us a lot of heart ache towards one another.
Some things we don't like happen for the best.
May be it wasn't to be.
May be I did or didn't do the right thing after all.
He may have now lost interest in me in the end.
He may hate me for not giving him the experince he may have wanted.
He might repected me for been honest with him.
I hope have I made myself understood.

The only way I feel pain is wishing I was his age.
What scars me is the fact that he may have more sense than me.

I knew who he was, his name was John.
I knew his Mum and Dad.
I felt so ashamed for not feeling the same as him.
He was such a nice young man.
Whatever I would have became of me and John I would have felt as if I wasn't doing the right thing.

I am not been nasty I would like to be someone's lover not Mother or Daughter.
I used to be friends with his Mother but we ended falling out.
She wasn't that many years older me.
If only I was the same age as him knowing what I knew at the time or even better what I know today at the age of 41.
I felt so luckey to have been loved by someone so young.
Knowing that he felt this way towards me he made me feel like his age at that time all over again.

This may not make sense but I forgot what it felt like to be 17.
If only I knew at 17 what I knew 31.
If only I knew at 31 what I know now at 41.
I was so old he was so young.

I felt so luckey to have been loved by someone so young, it bought back my youth again.
At the same time it made me feel ashamed however I felt.
I knew I had to control how I felt, I didn't feel it was right older woman having feelings for a teenage boy.
I still wouldn't have felt as if I had done right.


What did he want with an old fool like me?
I was 31 old enought to be his Mum.
In the end she hated me.
She blamed me for fansying her son when it was the other way round.
I don't think she believed me, she should have done when she knew I had a partner already. 21.11.2010