You made me to be in this world.
The first twenty-one years of my life you weren't there.
I was no one to you, at least it felt that way anyway.
You were no one to me, it seemed as if as I wasn't anyone to you because I never saw you.
when I first met you at the age of twenty - one, I thought we put the piece of the jigsaw together but I was wrong.
Now I feel as if a piece of jizsaw is missing in me again.
I think I have lost myself again.
Perhaps part of me was always been missing and always will be.
Why do I have a feeling that two human beings are missing out of my life too?
why do I have feeling that they are asking themselves unanswered questions like I did as a child?
I want to help them because I know how it feels, it's as if you are in the dark.
It's feels as I am feeling the same way again as I did as a child knowing that my half brother and sister are going through the same as I did.
I'm their half big sister, of course I want to be there for them and help them.
You aren't going to help them are you?
Don't you realise what you have done and how it has affected our minds?
The past doesn't matter, I've been there all my life.
I never knew why this had to be but it doesn't matter now, it's not about me, it's about my younger half brother and sister.
I am the past they are the present and future.
It's the present and the future, how do you think it's going to affect their lives?
why do I feel like the useless big half sister?
no one knows no one, it's all a mystery.
Do anything you want this could be your only or last chance in life.
Help someone who wants to give things a go, it could be there only and last chance too.
Help someone who needs more help than you.
Remember it could have been you if not them.
Don't let theirs and your chances slip.
There's nothing worse than been left out, how would like to give something a go but no one is there to help you if you need help?
Everyone looks at you at if you are squib and thick, that's not the case you just need a bit more help than most people.
Your left out because it seems as if the rest of the world can have a normal life, you can't. ( What's normal at the end of the day?)
What are we missing out on?
Crashing cars and screaming kids is something we can do without but what's missing is looking in the mirror everyday seeing another you.
See how different and better life can be for your child than it was for you, not to say that life was all bad and all good for you.
There seems to be full of lovers, you feel like your boyfriend's child when you need more help than others rather than his girlfriend. (You feel useless when your relationship breaks up.)
There are too many benefit traps around jobs but the world is a very lonely place without a career, study and work.
You feel left out when know you help from them but what they realise is what is like to need more help unless learning disabilities and Mental Health problems happen to them.
Things that happened a long time ago are always in your head.
The memories are always there but words never really come out to be understood or even said.
So you see faces and hear voices inside your head.
No one understands unless it happens to them.
The world looks at you really strange, whatever you have said and or listened to doesn't make sense.
They think your nuts because you don't make sense to them.
No, they are nuts because it doesn't make sense to you.
You try to grab life with both hands but people are in your faces all the time when don't need but no one is really there to give you a helping hand when you do need it.
You want to give it a go because you are only on the earth once so why were we born at all?
At least you have tried if you haven't succeed.
My real Father isn't my Father, I haven't know him long enough he's my friend.
He doesn't know a great deal about my life so he's the only one in the family doesn't know me. 2th October 2010
Get by.
Times are rather hard, money is tight, even though you don't get a lot of chance to hold me tight, still we're happy enough.
It's not just money problems it's other things in my life too but no worries it's not you.
I've been through good and bad before, I will get by just like I've always have done.
Not sleeping well but over tried with things on my mind.
Somehow I'll manage my work.
I'm worried about losing my work and business.
I will either run the business with support or not all.
My work means a lot to me so do you, even though I don't have enough private time with you.
Strangely I miss you even though I see you.
There's so much to tell you but very litte time to say it. 2nd October 2010
Rape, rape.
Rape rape has damaged my mind.
Rape has ripped me up for 33yrs but not all my life has been black and white.
Memories are still there but thankfully now flashbacks and nightmares are very little compared to what they used to be.
From the age of a 7 year old child it happened until I was a 33 year old woman.
I have tried so hard to blank it out but it hasn't been easy.
It has been hard to explain, which is why I never got understood or believed.
It shouldn't surprise me that none would understand. 2nd October 2010
Our eyes are our doors.
Our eyes are our doors, we close and open.
We never know what nights and days are until our eyes that are doors are open.
Sometimes we can't close our eyes that are doors at all when too much is on our minds about things we may and should and shouldn't know.
Sometimes we are only told half the story, we may have to wait until tomorrow comes, forever or not at all.
Some days and nights are different.
Other days and nights are all the same.
Some things have to start and finish but others don't happen at all.
Other things stay as they are, whether it's Good bad life is life sometimes for a good reason other times for a bad.
Sometimes tomorrow is known other times it's unknown, sometimes it's better off unknown but most of the time it needs to be known.
At times life can be cure thins happen that shouldn't.
Life is what you make but not everything happens by our choice, which doesn't leave us completely free.
When it comes to the government no one is free but no one is completely naughty.
We all need some control but not over controlled.
To be fare the world needs a balance so nothing is too fare or too unfair, which never seems to happen. 4.10.10
Open our doors open our eyes.
Good morning time, there's very little freedom for us all.
Open our doors open our eyes.
The world is a mess in so much debt, we have been too greedy.
Now the world is losing money so one day it will all come to an end.
The future is unknown.
As one door closes another one opens.
Hello, to the good, goodbye to the bad.
Hello, to the bad, goodbye to the good.
That's the way life always is and that all it ever can be. 4.10.10
Close our doors close our eyes.
We need to clear out of our minds before we can close our doors and eyes on the old thoughts to bring new thoughts.
We mustn't worry about a thing, otherwise we could be bringing something bad into something good.
How can you feel good at the same time as feeling bad but somehow we do?
Sooner or later you need to be getting out of the bad to get into the good, we shouldn't mix good and bad but it seems to happen.
Nothing is good all the while, things may be either a little rough or crash for life.
The world used to be beautiful, we had very little war and very little crime was notice at time.
It good to know that we notice more crime but bad to know it happens, ever badder to know that it happen and wasn't notice.
Some many things in life weren't notice a long time ago but more and more is notice now.
A never ending story and a never ending poem.
Making plans for the future without even knowing what the future is going be or not even realizing that there may not be any future.
Never make plans let the future be.
No safety in the world.
No surprise to anyone when there's too much crime by people who don't do their time, too much and greed with money that's going going gone.
We need help to understand life, what is it about?
Why were we born, why do we die?
Why are we here in the first place?
Let the rain be sunshine, Sunshine be rain.
Not too cold not too hot.
Let there be safety not danger. 4.10.10
Here you go again!
You loved me twice.
You dumped me twice.
Now you want me back again.
How many chances do you want?
You've hurt me a lot more than once.
I thought I would never stop loving you but finely I walked away.
You will never stop me from moving on how I want to despite the pain you have put me through.
It's not my fault that you didn't love me when I loved you.
You've been playing nasty games with my mind.
Now it's too late, you only have yourself to blame.
I always thought you loved me but I believe now that I was wrong.
You don't love me, you only love yourself.
You are only saying you love me because I'm not in your life anymore. 10.10.10
The loser.
Once I thought you were the man for me but now I'm glad it didn't turn out to be.
People told me that you weren't the man for me but I didn't listen to a word they said to me.
I thought I knew it all.
Now I realize that I'm better off without you.
I don't even want to see you, you hurt me that much.
I wish I never met and loved you.
I wish I never gave you a second chance after you left me the first time.
Now that I don't love you anymore, I can't believe that I ever did loved you at all.
The more I loved you the more you hurt me.
Now that I don't love you anymore, you don't hurt me anymore.
Nothing ever matched between us, it was wrong for us to fall in love.
You knew I loved you so much but it too me years to realize that you didn't love me.
Now I don't love you anymore, you make out you love me because you have no one hurt anymore.
I was too blind to realize that your love for me was a lie and even still is and always will be.
I had put up with your trickily mind games too many years far too long.
If you treat anyone else like you treated me, you will spend the rest of your life alone.
One day someone will hurt you like you hurt me, then it will hit you hard.
You always played tricks with my mind.
One minute you loved me the next you didn't.
I can't believe I ever was a your victim of hate and love for so long.
You used to give me wonderful dreams and nasty nightmares but not always at the same time.
Butterflies flow and swam through my stomach when you made me feel good.
Panic attacks would go through all over my body when you made me feel bad.
My stomach would turn over as if I was on a very fast fairground ride.
You may have broken my heart but whatever my future is to be, I'm glad to say that I don't want to be with you anymore you see.
Despite of the damage you have put me through, you will never stop me from doing what I want to do,which has nothing to do with you. 31.10.10
Changes.
Time to let there is to be.
Time for peace.
Not to hope expect anything at all.
Never say it will ever end.
Let the damaged past mend.
Getting to know one's self all over again.
Believe in one's self.
It will take one's own time to feel one's self again.
Too soon for heavy love.
There's no harm in friendly love.
Companionship from one whose been through the same as one.
One becomes two of us me and you.
We're not the first who have been hurt, we won't be the last.
It's tremendous to be independent but to be faithful.
We all make mistakes how many of us learn from them?
My mistakes have been loving men who have hurt me but I guess we have both been as bad as one another.
I just got too close to them and I hoped for too much.
Now it's time to take it easy, one isn't getting any younger but I admit my feelings for you are getting stronger. 4.11.10
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?
I once thought you loved me, how wrong and blind was I, thinking about it, I don't think you ever loved me at all.
You cut me up into pieces like a raiser blade going through me, until you made me bleed.
You made it hard for me to love someone else but you don't stop my life anymore.
I should be used to you being unkind to me by now.
I have been there before you hurt me so bad.
I won't let you hurt me anymore.
This time Ant, I have put a brave face on.
Now it's time to get rid of that pain and anger inside me. 10.7.2009
I HOPE I WON'T GO BACK TO BEING LIKE I WAS AT THE AGE OF 27 IN 1997.
I am nearly 40 now, I should be a stronger woman now not weak like I was at the age of 27.
I am trying to stop myself from being as bad as I was 13 yrs ago.
I shouldn't have let you get to me, how mad it was me having a breakdown just over you having gone off with another woman.
I mustn't drink heavy like I did then.
We are over for good this time, there will never ever be a next time.
When I feel bad I must write things down poetry instead of breaking down.
In my body and mind I must be strong.
I mustn't feel depressed or angry because of you. 10.7.2009
No MAN IS DRIVING ME MAD.
No man is driving me to drink.
No man is driving me to cry, I have ran out of tears to cry.
No man is driving me to end my life.
I will get through pain somehow and someway.
Last time you hurt me, I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel then things got better.
Now I believe things will get better again one day I will see a bright light again. 10.7.2010
YOUR TURN WILL COME.
I am so glad to have a great friend in you through good and bad times.
The way I am feeling at the moment, I am not myself.
It would not be fair to put my pain on to you.
I miss you so much but I am glad of the space we apart with the way I am in myself right now. I Need to get myself right again, I have done before, I will do it again.
I will spend as much time as I have writing about how I feel about you. 10.7.2009
JOHN KEATS.
John Keats was the first poet I came across who made me want to write poetry in 1997 at the age of 27.
I don't think I would have got over my break down with learning from John Keats' work, he taught me so much about poetry.
I thought I was alone in the world, I never thought that Keats had been through the same as me.
I read one of his words but I came out with a thousand words, at least it felt like it.
Drinking heavy is not the answer, your problems are still there the next day.
At the time I was very young but not very strong.
I opened the poetry book of John Keats, it was as if he died for me after he had broken down relationships too.
Time is a good healer and writing poetry helps too.
Not that we except every person to be affected the same to heart ache and pain, it would be boring if we were all the same. 10.7.2009
GETTING OLDER.
Getting older is getting wiser.
We should be strong enough to cope with life's ups and downs.
We should cope different to what we did when we were young.
It's the states of our minds. 10.7.2009
YOUR BACK IN TOWN.
Your back in town, that's alright as long as you look after your Mum more as she's not well.
I don't hate you but I don't love you anymore.
I don't I miss you, we had friendship in the end.
If I am honest I am scared that I may fall back in love with you but I don't want to.
You have dropped me down and picked me back up again so many times over the years.
Enough is enough, I can't take no more.
I don't know what I'd say to you now I have not seen you for over a mouth.
Who would have thought that we had spend so much time together in fact too much time together, that our love has just died apart.
I bet you never thought I would leave you like I did, did you?
I never thought I'd walk away from you but it's the best thing I ever done.
You just didn't know or understand how much I really loved you, even though I told you a thousand and one times.
Whether you know and understand now how strong I loved you, it's now far too late, I don't that way about you anymore.
It's only your own fault, you have believed and that I loved, I spend enough time with you for you to know how I felt about you.
I am not a bouncing ball you can throw around and pick up when you feel like it, I'm a human being just like all people.11.7.2009
LOVE AND PAIN.
The feeling of love is hard to control.
It's so hard to stop pain.
You can try to make things better but it doesn't always work.
Love brings you pain : pain brings happiness.
There must be a point when love runs out when you have suffered so much pain, then love very slowly turns to hate.
I think it's time for me to move on to love someone new but but pain needs to go altogether until I can love again. 11.7.2009
IT'S NO GOOD ME THINKING YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE.
let's start again!
No more chances.
No more pain.
I won't let you hurt me again.
Let's change things this time!
No chance I have heard it all before, promises promises.
Let's put what went wrong right!
What am I talking about, I have tried so many times with you?
Let's stop hurting one another, we are like a pair of kids on the playground!
Why do we keep on hurting one another and going back to one another?
This has gone on for too many years now, this has got to stop!
I can't believe I fell for you again and again until I thought suddenly a change of thought, I don't love this man anymore. 11.7.2009
YOU USED TO BE MY MAN.
You used to be my man, you used to be the love of my life so I thought.
I don't think you thought I loved you as much.
If you have worked it out now, it's too late my love has run out for you now.
If only I worked out that you did not love me as much as I loved you, I wouldn't have wasted 15 yrs of my life on and off with you.
I know you told me you loved me but not as many times as I told you.
May be you didn't believe me but may be you didn't tell me the truth.
I must move on, you don't stop me from loving again but I will get to know a person first.
I need to get rid of this pain you have given me.
The worse thing was that you said in the end that you didn't know whether you loved me or not, that's why I had enough. 11.7.2009
MOST MEN.
Most men what is it about them?
They pretend to love you but they hurt you again and again.
They dirt on you, then they except you to love them again.
I can't promise myself I will never get hurt again,I have fallen for it a lot more than once again and again but at least it won't by the same man I have known for 15yrs.
I will have to tell myself no more pain off him.
If I hadn't of been a fool to be in love with you, then I would not have been hurt by you.
Once you feel love you can't live with or without it.
Sadly love and pain links together. 9.7.2009
VICTIM OF LOVE.
I have been a victim of love.
I have been a victim of men.
How many woman haven't been through the same as me, not very many?
Used
Abused,
you name it
I have been there.
Who has not been there?
Men have hard times with woman just like woman have hard times with men.
How much more can we go through?
I don't wish it on anyone, no one is the first or last person to go through it.
The nice part : love pain is horrible.
There again pain makes you become stronger.
We all want someone in our lives who wants and loves us for ourselves.
Nothing stops me from carrying on with life, I fall down and get back up again, I have done so many times before.
Nothing stops me from loving.
I am not the best of women but I am strong.
I do what I can to make the man I am with happy.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but I just want to carry on loving. 11.7.2009
BE IN LOVE WITH POETRY.
Be in love with poetry, that's one love that doesn't run out.
Say what you want pen, paper, writing and words don't answer back at least not on the page, it's only your own words.
Let the readers think what they want but give them enjoyment in their reading too.
Your thoughts, feelings and fears only.
Drain any painful feelings out of yourself but also write about the good in life too.
Keep getting to know yourself by writing poetry.
Keep getting to know yourself before you get to know your readers.
Write your private thoughts down but don't have them published unless your readers enjoy your work.
Poetry keeps poets going strong through the good and bad of life.
Poet's ways of dealing with life is poetry. 12.7.2009
WRITER'S HANDWRITING.
Too much going on in one's mind to think about whether the writing is neat or not.
Now that I have written, I can see the state of my hand writing, I must type so that my readers can read it.
Can I read my own writing? Only sometimes but I know write as fast as my mind is thinking, then most of the time I get carried away.
What a state of my writing.
What a state of my mind.
Who wants to read my hand writing it's too messy?
Who wants to read my mind, there's too much rubbish inside?
I feel guilty about the things I write about but anger inside me comes out on paper not on people, only people who have hurt me.
Sorry to my readers whose read on paper, it's what's going on in my mind on to poetry
. 12.7.2009
GUILTY WRITER.
My mind thinks too fast for me to write or my mind is blank.
Love and pain the only things I write about, animals,home,family education, career, love and so the list goes on of the subjects that I write.
How many readers are interested in what I write?
Who knows! Sorry
Please let me know readers on your comments in an email, thank you.
You can write what you like, then I will reply back to you.
I am a dyslexic writer, words may have the right letters but not put in the right places.
My mind can work over time or not at all. 12.7.2009
LOVE HURTS.
you can't help who you fall in love with.
It's just accepting it if the person doesn't love you.
No matter what feelings of love is hard to control.
No matter how much pain is given, you don't give up until the feeling of love has gone.
Love is there as long as it wants to be. 12.7.2009
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK?
What makes you think I am free to love you?
What makes you think I still love you?
What makes you think that I can go through that pain again that I let you put me through time and time again but no more.
If I hadn't have walked out like I did, you would have still been walking over me.
I would be still sitting back waiting for you to love me again, I have been a fool long enough.
Now it's too late for you, it does not stop me loving again but I don't love you.
How much more pain do you think I can take? 12.7.2009
MOST POET'S LIVES.
Writing, drinking and smoking.
We love the stuff that's not good for us, as I sit with a bottle of Becks in the Moon Under Water in Wolverhampton.
Writing poetry whether we feel happy,laughing, angry, sad or mad.
( Why?)
Today I have been feeling down enough to write about what's going on in my head. 12.7.2009
IT TOOK YOU SO LONG.
What took you so long to to tell me that you love me when it's too late?
I don't think it has sank in that I have told you that I don't love you anymore.
For years I had always been there for you, in fact a lot of people had told me you weren't right for me but I was right for you, may be they were right in telling me that.
You may love me now but you will stop loving me, like you have a thousands times before, which means you have never loved me at all.
I have learned what you are like, when it comes to changing your mind about your feeling towards me, it was causing me pain and hurt.
Sorry, I can't go back to get myself hurt again, my trust is gone in you.
You should have known what you wanted in the first place.
If you love me why do you keep on finishing with me and going back to me, that's only pretending to love me when you don't.
I must have been blind to think that you loved me. 12.7.2010
IT WILL HIT YOU ONE DAY.
Why do you only seem to want me when you have been drinking?
When you are not drunk, you change your mind about the way you feel about me.
You change your mind as many times as you change your soaks.
Don't you understand that I am finding it hard to come to terms, i don't love you to built my hopes up , now I don't built hopes up with anyone:I never say never ever.
you have hurt me enough as it is, you shouldn't make it harder for me by you ringing me when your drunk.
It's no good saying you want me back when your drunk because you don't feel that way when your not drunk. 26th July 2009
STOP FIBBING TO YOURSELF AND ME!
I understand you like your drink, don't a lot of us.
Now you need to cut your drinking down as you have a lot to take on at home.
Too much drink makes you do and say the wrong things.
When you drink far too much, your not yourself, your not you your someone else.
You say you want me when your drunk but you don't.
The drink is doing the talking not you.
Yes, I know when it comes to the next day, you have thought about what you said sorry about last night, the next day you have a complete change of mind from the night before.
Just be careful other wises you could be disbelieved when you are telling the truth. 26th July 2009.
