Sunday 7 June 2020

WE ARE WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE ARE.

WE ARE WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE ARE.

We are characters in different ways. 

We are who we and what we are.
We can't choose to be born or to be born.
We can't choose where we are born.
We can't choose who we are born to.
We are not perfect or all negative either, we can only be the best we can be as long we don't create wars, crime, violence, etc.
' However' one country isn't big enough for the whole world to live in and one country doesn't have enough money to keep the whole world. 
Looks at us.
Who are we?
What are we doing here and why?
We are all human.
We are all different because it would be a completely boring world if we were all the same
We are who we are and what we are?
No matter who and what we have, we all have good and bad in us, not simply good and not just bad all different ways.
Some of us are better and bad than others.
Some of us are tall, others in between, others small.
Some of us are fat, slim, in between, thin.
Some with blue eyes, brown eyes and so the list goes on.
Some of us are dark, others blonde hair, and even many more colors.
Some of us in life need more help than others.
Life is not about being nosey we are just full of wondering and full of questions.
Most of us are full of information and others are full of the unknown, or even both.
Some of us love one another.
Some of us like one another.
Some of us hate one another.
We are loved, liked, hated by someone or a lot of people.
Some reasons are unknown, and others are not, whichever we are here in this world until the time is over but all the same, we are remembered to how we were.



The Disabled character.

I am a disabled character
What do you think when you look at me?
Who made me and why?
Is there's a character in me?
Why did you bring this disabled world to me?
My disability may be hidden but believe me, I'm disabled so do not judge me or others like me?
Do not judge anyone at all

Disabled people are as human-like anyone.

Are you seeing the positive as well as the negative when you look at disabled people?
I'm not a poet or storyteller I just write words that mean everything or nothing at all.
You see a human being who is not very wise no more or less than anyone.
Everyone including disabled people and other people should be equal to society. 
No one is completely useless or perfect either.
We are what we are and who we are.

As a human being, I am sitting here still.
I'm a human baby, child, and teenager inside an adult who came into this world just like with or without a reason.
Like you I keep trying to achieve my goals.
Did you ever you used to notice the things I used to do like losing a sock and shoe?
In all of us, there's still that baby and child, dribbling, losing stockings and shoes even though adulthood however young and old we may be.
Do you still see the baby in me? Late 20th  to early 21st century


I am human like everyone.

 I am a disabled the person who has or should the right to live my life the same as other people and that is the same for other disabled people too.
Other disabled people should have the same rights too.

I will tell you as the human being sitting here all through my childhood I could not see a brother and sister with me till I was thirteen.
It was the beginning of my teenage years when my baby sister came to me.

No sign of my Father until I was twenty - one all my family was there for me from birth.

When I was a young girl of sixteen, I used to dream of wings underneath my feet dreaming of the man I'd marry, how wrong was I to think such a thing. I was just too blind to see but what will be. Never say there's still time for me but I have also learned not to build my hopes up you see.
When I was twenty - eight I thought my life was over I thought it was too late, even though I was in love with a man who wasn't right for me.
I may go through pain in my life like everyone else but I pick myself up and move on. 
Now I love the man who is for me.
Late 20TH – 21ST Century


Time.

I believe I have now met the man who for me
Who knows what the future will be.
When I was a young woman of thirty I thought I'd live a normal life to be.
I thought by the age of thirty I'd be rearing young of my own but now I have seen the world today it's not a safe world for children to be.
Being disabled is stopping rearing children like everyone else I just needed the support that was all.
Not everyone is lucky to have their dream home and lover to be which has taught me not to live in fairy-tale land to be.
I must say I have met the love of my who will bond with me to love forever endlessly.
Now I am nearly fifty the years will be rolling fast.
I have walked out on one man who was not meant to last with me but now I have learned to see what happens when tomorrow's door opens.
Who knows where I will be after fifty, will there be the man for me? Late 20th – 21 Century


What’s life all about?

My bright and dark future will be upon me, which I am and not looking forward to.
To love I am looking forward but for getting old I am not but hopefully I will get wiser.
Loneliness, no loneliness and old age will give me so much to dread and none at all.
While I'm still young enough I will enjoy the life I have yet.
Old age will not make a fool out of me if that was so what a happy and sad character I would be.
I don't expect people to feel sorry for me, old or young I must enjoy life while I am here.

I want my peaceful body crumbled away with happiness and grace but no pain.
Now and again I will look down from heaven to earth to see the people I leave behind who I remember well.
You must accept the fact that we can't live forever.
So open your eyes god open and see, under that disabled person is an able human being and she is a real character in me.
I will still write short stories, novel, play, and romantic poetry. Late 20th century to early 21st century.










We may need to face the facts.
The Coronavirus could be here to say with, but we need to protect ourselves and each other.
The lockdown seems like forever but that does not mean life stops, we just need to health and safety guard.
Keep going with online working and courses.
I just need to keep writing whatever happens.
I have not written much for years but now I need to keep writing every day even when I am able to go back to work again.
I know I am not alone in this Coronavirus lockdown, but neither are you.
That does not mean I am not aware of how serious this Virus is, we did not need this.

Charlies Bukowski you were not alone.
I know what it feels like to feel as if your life is going off the rails.
All I did was smoke, drink and write poetry, which took me alone time to cut down or even stop.
I think I only discovered your work a few years after your death the same time I was inspired with Shelly, Keats, and co as well, which was when I had my Mental breakdown in 1997.
I am yet to discover more of your work and your life, good and bad like all our lives have been.
You inspired me when I was down in myself and you inspire me even now, I have long overcome my breakdown.

Now I have closed the door on you.
I used to think I was too selfish in my own feelings because I was so in love with you but then I realized you never felt the same, you only pretended to.
In the end, I wondered why I ever bothered with you at all, even to write about you.
I was so blind to love you and to love you as long as I did, now I feel nothing for you at all.
This shows how ungrateful you were that I loved you so long.
Now it is too late I do not feel the same as I did for you so that is good, and it means you cannot hurt me no more.
I now love someone ten times more than the man you were and probably still are.

When you read my poetry.
When you read my poetry, you went mad at me because you know it was the truth about you.
You could not stand to know how I felt about you because you did not feel the same.
I don’t think I saw it at the time and if I did I couldn’t accept you never felt the same but I do more than accept it now, I don’t love you anymore either.
Sometimes I wish I never said a word not that it made any difference but now who cares? I do not now anymore.
Yet you said that my words could be songs.
How different you reacted when you say one of my published poems about you but just remember not all my work is about you, a lot is, and a lot is not.
I wish I never had bothered but then I don’t just because I don’t feel the same now doesn’t mean I’m putting my work about you to waste, I just write it the opposite way I did to start with.
The unknown must have scared you know that one day I would change from been soft as a brush to how I am now, I used to let you walk over me but no more.
You cannot play with my mind anymore now I have walked away from you.
 I never saw the light.

No one seemed to agree with my thoughts and as years went on, I saw the light that I was wrong and they were right.
For twelve months my head was just in the sand back between my hands from 1996 to 1997.
All I saw was a dark tunnel each hour, minute, second of every day.
No light never seemed to come my way.
Loneliness was just a cloud as couples walked passed, therefore I thought this wouldn't happen to me again.
That's how I thought my life was going to be.
Found for me to make one hard choice to love or loneliness but then I found it hard to get too close again.
I lost all trust in everyone but felt so bad for feeling this way.
I spent a lot of time worrying that I would meet the wrong person and get myself hurt again.
As right or wrong people may be, it's best to let people in these states of mind are themselves, in their own time some may see the light.
If you ask me what I think I will tell you but I will never tell you what and what not to do.
I will be there for you and I will never judge you, I know what this feels like, I have been there myself.
How can I love without been blind I used to ask myself?
I went through this fear for such a long time.
I had no trust in anyone at all yet I felt so bad about.
Therefore I left people to carry on talking and telling their thoughts, which I was blind to.
I used to think I may as well live my life in sin because I feared of getting hurt again.
Now I wouldn't say I'm one hundred percent me again but I'm ten times better than I was then.
Oh yes back then I wouldn't think I would be where I am today, which is why I would never say to anyone you will get there, I listen, understand, and let them make their own choices. 11.12.2017
Risking a long road without realizing it.

 I wrongly let my feelings get in my way and I should have controlled them.
Therefore I feared and took the risk for someone I loved at that time and now I hate him.
If only I was braver I would have saved myself extra pain.
I took the risk knowing he was going to break me again but then realizing he didn't in the end because I fell down and got back up again ten times stronger than what he did.
I took him back, we spent seven years together, what a big the mistake that was because my love was far too strong towards him to turn him down.
This time I knew whatever it took I had to start to walk away before he hurt me ten times as hard as he did before.
I started to walk away slowly for a month in spite of my feelings.
In a few days, I started to feel nothing for him, which I couldn't believe after 13 and a half years on and off.
 It was a great weight off my shoulders but it still took six years till I was out of his life altogether because I was great friends with his Mum.
 Only after she died I walked away from him for good
He couldn't make up him his mind whether he loved me or not so,  therefore he didn't love me at all.
As time when on he kept on saying sorry, he kept begging me to take him back, I kept on saying no. 31.12.2012
This is not a cry out for help.

This is not a cry out for help.
This is not seeking attention, we are just making you aware of our conditions.
This is a very down feeling with or without a reason.
No one wants to feel like they do.
No one wants to take how they feel about others.
No one wants to leave others in sadness.
Just when you feel like this, life feels painful to live but it doesn't mean you want to leave the world to grief.
We are not nuts, it doesn't make us suffer worse than others the way you may think we think, we just cope in a different way to you.
We would say if we really truly knew why ourselves, it may well pass but then it comes back, we are up and down which can happen to anyone but we are just more so often than, those who do not face Mental Health.
We are not asking for the world, we are asking to learn and understand about us. 30. 12.2016

Misunderstood.

So you think I am all black and white sorry to disappoint but you are wrong, we can be quite bright when we see the light.
There's more to me and others the same or not much different to me.
We are always what we sound and appear to be.
Just because you may see us laughing and smile, doesn't mean we feel the same inside.
We are not fake people and we are not attention seekers either.
Feelings of emotion can vary from time to time and or person to person, not all people manage their conditions the same.
It may depend on the people and situations around us.
Not everyone faces and reacts to life the same.
Mental Health is hidden, it's not a lie.
It's not something we decide to be ourselves, it just happens and nobody knows why.
We are not fake, we are real but sensitive people. 3012.2016

Every day I ask myself.

What happened?
Why did it happen?
When did it happen?
If only I knew because I feel that you would be at peace if I did so would I?
No reason is good enough you should be here.
Doesn't how you felt about me, I loved you and I always will.
However you felt about me, I would sooner you would be alive than where you are now.  30.12.2016

Drinking and poetry.

Through been over tried and drinking emotions tend to get taken out on the wrong people, which should wait to be written on paper.
It's not poetry, it's just words that have come out of my head, words of emotions.
I haven't been sleeping right since you left this world with all these questions I can't answer coming into my head.
I haven't taken sleeping pills, I have drunk instead only huge amounts now and then.
I sit at my computer desk with words pouring out my head that don't make any sense, then it goes blank as I wonder what to write. 30.12.2016

No point.

It seems life is not worth living when you weren't meant to be here in the first place.
Sorry to be so sad, take no notice of me it's just wrong the feeling of opinion I had.
I don't feel like anyone.
Who are you?
I may as well not be here at all.
Sorry, to feel this way I just want to end it all.
Sorry, it was just what I was feeling at the time when I wrote these lines. 30.12.2016

Words are words.

Say good or and bad words about I don't care.
They are words, they don't hurt me.
Do whatever you like me, I will leave this earth as a door mat.
I will fall down and get back up again.
I am used to people treat me how they want, I don't care how they treat me anymore.
If others think I am a laughing stock so what I'm as strong as an ox. 30.12.2016

I keep feeling the need to do it.

I keep feeling the need to do it but I haven't got the guts.
Too scared of heights and I don't think I am strong enough.
If only I knew why I feel the way I do.
Open the window and let me fly to the sky.
Life is a pain and sadness, I don't feel selfish to do it but I feel guilty and ashamed that I feel this way.
30.12.2017
Depression.
Depression isn't all sadness.
Depression isn't all black and white.
We not nuts or neither are we not completely sad or completely happy either, we just want to be heard and understood.
Depression isn't all one feeling to what it says by the sound of the word Depression.
Depression you can be feeling very up and down more so than people without Depression.
Please don't judge what you don't understand or know!
We are all positive as well as negative people.
The same the other way round, just because we may laugh, smile or and etc doesn't mean we necessarily do feel that way inside ourselves, many of us feel very sad side.
How we show ourselves can be very different from what feels inside but not always the case, it can vary so much from time to time and or even person to person.
Little is show because it's so very hidden as far as the condition itself is concerned.
You could have the greatest life in the world yet feel the unhappiest person in the world yet have the worse life in the world and be the happiest person in the world, which can vary from person to person,  from time to time or any way round.  29.12.2016

You were all in my mind.

You were all in my mind.
You were all in my head.
Writing poetry has been like writing lines in school.
I must get you out of my mind and head.
You have seen to be with me for so long even after I finally walked out of your life altogether.
You seemed as if you were going to be with me forever, I never thought I'd get rid of you and I never thought I ever wanted to get rid of you.
Now it's as if I have been sleeping these years with you in my mind and head, it's been all a dream and a nightmare.
Now I don't think about you anymore and now I don't think you are real anymore.
Now to me, it's as if you are this monster who has been eating away at meal
l these years and now you have gone away, you are just not here anymore and finally, I am free from you.  29.12.2016



Never thought it would end.

I once went off the rails because of you, I never thought the pain would end.
Every day seemed like a big effect to keep myself living and going, I never thought I was going get by but I did, with counseling and poetry I made it through in the end without you.
I never thought I'd see the light at the end of that black tunnel, which seemed so far away.
Every day seemed so scary and I never thought I'd get through.
I never thought I'd feel the same without you.
I never thought I would be pleased to be without you.
I never thought I would make it without you in the end. 29.12.2016

If only I did it sooner.

I only I left sooner and if only I didn't love you for so long.
I only I felt stronger to walk away from you sooner but then in the end, I did.
Still, although it wasn't nice at the time, the harder time you gave me, what you didn't realize was the stronger you made me.
Now I can move on without you on my mind.
It took me so long to get where I am now, now it's as if I never knew or saw you.
You thought you knocked me right down, okay you did but I got back up again.
You never thought you would be sad to lose me but you are because you begged to get me back when you realized you were wrong to let me go so what goes around comes around.
I don't like revenge but if it's necessary it doesn't do you any harm to see what it's been like to be on my side of the coin, does it?
How long did you think I was going to let you walk over me without me realizing I was?
How shocked were you when I could walk away and live without you being in my life?
You don't like to see the change in me and you don't like the truth do you?
The truth hurts you so don't beg me like a dog for another chance because you will get nowhere with me!
Sorry, I won't do it again!
Let's not go there pretending you're someone you are not.
How many chances do you want?
None with me.  29.12.2016
You go by what you see.

You go by what you see.
Also so much his hidden in the condition so don't judge what don't understand what you don't know!
Therefore you misunderstand us for someone we are not.
You stare at us as if you think we are nuts.
You react to us as if we are not there.
Hello, we are there.
We have thoughts and voices like everyone.

In my own world and in my own words.

I was like the only child to start with.
When you came into the world we were like miles apart but you brought a lot of joy into my life, that I know at times I found it hard to show.
Now you are a great Mother raising my two lovely nephews.
There have been so many changes that we never thought would happen from when You were born when I was 13 to now. 29.12.2016

I am me no matter how hard I find it to change.

I try not to be a dreamer but I seem to be.
Being romantic can be a good and a bad thing because you can easy hope too much.
Not easy to balance the good with the bad.
Not good when you want to write and you can't think what to write.
Once you start to think, your pen can't write in time to your mind, please forgive my untidy handwriting when that happens, which is why I mostly type. 29.12.2016


Just a feeling with or without a reason.
Just a feeling with or without a reason why even then no one really knows why.
For some of us, it comes and goes with no in-between.
For others, it stays where it is unknown to the reasons why most of the time.
Just accept anything, everything off anybody and everybody.
We are just human with things we can and can't control. 29.12.2016

Do not get me wrong.

Don't get me wrong, not everything is down to Mental health, we know that.
Most of it is down to being misunderstood.
Yes, I agree we all have faults. 29. 12. 2016

Managing feelings.
Art, crafts, hobbies, interests, talents or and etc is a great way of managing Mental health but it does not work for everyone, even counseling or both. 29.12.2016

Take me as I am or not at all.
I am happy one minute but not the next.
Sometimes there's no reason for it, other times there is.
It's just a feeling side me that can change from happy to sad then sad to happy.
No one is to blame either way. 29.12.2016

Will the sad feeling ever end?


Mental health isn't always a sad feeling, we go through times of feeling happy and sad just like everyone but the difference is how often we do to those you don't face Mental health.
The sad feeling can last however long or short it going to be but to us, it can feel like long even if it's short because it can be the unknown.
You can feel the way you do with or without reason and no one really knows why it's just the feeling inside the person.
Anxiety can link with Depression because you worry, panic or and even fear over things that most don't seem to be as bad as what they do seem.
In the time sadness, it's hard to have faith and positive in yourself until somehow, someway that feeling passes but then you wonder whether or not you going to get through, which is why you may be saying things you wouldn't say and even do in a happy state of mind.
It can vary from time to time and even person to person.
Never think those who suffer from Mental health is how life will end, it will either will or won't the same with disability too. 29.12.2016.


I was breaking down.

I think I am having a breakdown I can feel someone pushing me over the edge.

Oh God helps me, I thought!

It seemed as there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt as if I was cracking up and I didn’t know where to turn.

I felt weak and useless as if I didn’t want to live anymore.

I didn’t know where to go for help.

Was it all in my mind or was I really breaking down?

I couldn’t see what was ahead of me.


Is there a voice in my head telling me right or wrong?


God help me, I think I thought I was going to die!
I've been down this road before, I will fight it, I will cope again.
I did not feel up to eating and sleeping, I felt weak.

I knew I needed to pull myself together one day but when was the question, but I got there in the end.
One day I realized I was stronger than I thought.

I wasn’t getting any younger but I got through the fight on my mind.

I never thought I’d see myself where I am today, I’m a much happier girl, I never thought I’d make through even though I never thought I would at the time.  21.2.2000 – 22.6.2020




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