Dear Poets and writers.

Dear Keats                                                                                                           24.12.2013
       The world may well think I have gone mad writing to you but who cares what anyone thinks. If I am mad I am mad.
Since the age of twenty - seven John, you have inspired me since I was twenty - seven years of age, now I am forty - four years of age.
What I thought about to say while I was having a smoke, my thoughts have gone.
I must take life as it comes  however long or short I live for.
As much as the government is making life hard today I bet it was no different in your time.
They will never stop people taking drugs, drinking and smoke because these things are there.
Fair to the one who don't touch either of these things.
It becomes a hard habit to break but then it's luck of the draw whether I live or died.
I guess not much different to what happened to you, I guess I will never get published in my life time but may be never at all.
I enjoy writing and words but I don't except a lot or anything for my work but the fact that I may not be published doesn't stop me doing what I enjoy.
One may see it as wasting my time but as I enjoy it why not carry on, otherwise why was I born?
                                                                 Love From
                                                                  Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Keats                                                                                                      24.12.2013

Many people find poetry boring may be that's because in some peoples' cases not other, that we poets tell the truth in our words which hurts and bors a lot of readers. This may well explain why we poets find it hard to get published but we can't help the talent we have got.
 We can't help the thoughts we think and the feelings we have got. It's hard to work out why and how we think what we think really. How life makes us happy, sad, angry and even mad. Yet life is so short who knows what are ones thoughts?
Who am I to say otherwise? Without you I may not have had the talent I have got. May be it's not poetry or talent may be it's just words that I have got but to me you have talent.
May be I am not what I thought I was but I will carry on writing to be just myself till the day I died. I am who and what I am, I can't be anything or anyone else.
I need to write all the same not build my hopes up or and chase fame.
                                            Love from
                                            Sara Jane Gorman
Dear Keats                                                                                                         24.12.2013
      People may think I am mad writing to you because you have long left the world. I guess this is because I will never know what your views would have been to what I have said to you in these letters. At the end of the day you were a poet and in the mind of your fans such as I you still are. Not only I like your work but you were the first poet to inspire me to write poetry.
Yes I would be honest to say that I wonder what you would have said but then one can't have their own way on everything. I am yet to think about who I will write to next properly Shelly.
I think it's wise to be ones self but who knows if I am right or wrong?
I could never be talented in the eyes of society I just write words but all the same I will carry on whatever happens. Without you been aware of it you started me off with poetry back 1997, now I have started I won't stop.
Christmas eve is upon us today with the wind and the storm. When I drafted this letter to you last night I'd just come back from my local pub the Gunmakers Arms a little bit on the tipsy side as i drank a can of Fosters when  I got home, that's nothing new from most of us poets is it? I accept you can't answer that or anything.  I drank and smoked but enjoyed it too much but I wasn't too drunk, I know it does me no good. It's unhealthy  to have a enjoyable : life without these pleasures would be boring.  The fact these projects are there makes hard not to buy: if everyone stopped buying them what would happen then? The government excepts you to stop drinking, smoking etc but then what would they do if you stopped buying them? Britain is full of greed wanting things both ways, which isn't possible.
Not that I have any interest in the government but it's there in front of your face the country is in a  state of mess. May be Charles Dickens a writer I will to next because the country was in a mess his time and it's slowly going back to that now. There's no perfect world I know it would be boring if it was: this government is hard to understand. Let them carry on being hard as nails! I guess both you and Dickens are rolling in your graves if you knew the state of this world not just this country. If they realize there mistake, they have only got themselves to blame.
                                                   From
                                                    Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Charles Dickens                                                                     28.12.2013
       I am writing to tell you that I wrote to the poet John Keats telling him what this world is coming to. There's a lot funding cut on a lot of services and charities in Britain, a lot of shops, jobs, clubs, pubs and etc, are either closing or already closed down. The government now is very greedy and we are spending money what we can't afford. This government is making the cuts on things that are needed even the banks have been in debt. My worry is now in the things go back to where there were in your time. They are taking the money off the people who need most like people who have problems with their, disabilities, babies children, old people and etc.
Also work is very limited but then they are expecting to be in work when there's handy much work about. The good news is that  they are trying to get disabled people into work but the bad news is that they are making a lot of cuts on the disabled people need which is the same with Mental health too.
People with disabilities and mental health problems are still made to be nobody when we are just as human as everybody. We shouldn't be talked about as if we weren't planned. We are people  and we are useful for something : we shouldn't be treat as if we are nothing or nobody at all.  We shouldn't be treated as if life isn't worth living. These are the things that are very often said to us.
The rest of the world seems to be a normal place. people living in a perfect world and living normal lives, which is not the case. There's no such thing as perfect and normal otherwise the world would be a boring place.
I started my life in school as a child who found learning hard and I was very slow. I found it hard to pay attention on what was going on around me. I was told I would never get anything in life but I managed to caught up in college years. I even decided I wanted to be a writer when I was twenty-three years old. I was most inspired with the work you did in your time with you writing about living conditions and how society was in your day.
As a child I used to find it hard to learn my times tables as Mr Edward hit me on the fingers with a ruler every time I got a sum wrong. I still see his brown brief case with the black detention book inside. He used to say to me.
" Is anyone in there"
Since then times have moved on but the children are harmful to adults now there's no balance in-between, even though I know you were trying to put a stop to children been over hit but not it's caused to be harmful towards adults. Many teachers have been stabbed by children.
                                                                  From
                                                                   Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Charles Dickens                                                                             31.12.2013
        I think the world is coming to a big depression. Many people seem to think that people with unhealthy life styles shouldn't be to be treated by the NHS. This is a hard thing to know because no one can judge anyone because no one can say who disservices to be judged and who isn't for sure. We should never judge people: we should take it that people are as they appear to be either.  We should never take it that everyone causes their health problems, which is hardy surprising healthy things are out there like drinks, drugs and etc because governments make money out of them. Unhealthy food seems to be more cheaper than healthy food.
We must face facts that we are never going to have a healthy society, people don't exercise as much as we did in your day, we are aware of too much crime and too much traffic on the road.
The world is greedy all we live for is money, which my worry is that greed has caused the cuts in the world. Despite of what's good and bad for people they will buy because it's there ; then the good get judged and misunderstood for the bad.
I believe many governments are greedy for money no matter how much is spent. Money get's taken off those who need it most.
A lot of people smoke, drink or and even take drugs because it's out there.
There are far too many fast food places to eat, the odd healthy places are far too costly for the poor.  The ways things are going people will have to pay for their health or die just like it was back in your day. This is one big worry but like you society and living conditions is my research for my writing.                                                    From
                                                                 Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Charles Dickens                                     31,12,2013         
I am curtained of the state of the world. services, clubs, pubs, shops and etc are going one by one. Such people like the elderly, disabled, mental health problems and etc are getting less and less help.
This isn't all about health but the way people are having to live day by day.
If only you knew what really is going on you would be rolling in your grave. This isn't only happening to Britain but other counties in the world because Britain having to let a lot of foreigners live here but really we haven't the money or the room but nothing against the people themselves.     
This writing may be boring; it's the truth of what's going on in the world. We are spending more money than we can manage. the banks are in debt and all sorts.
There's also very little employment.
To be honest I find it hard to see a positive future.
On the bright side I only wish I could make a difference to the world trying bring times forwards rather than backwards but what seems to be happening in the world, which worries me very much just like many of you.
                                                          From
                                                        Sara Jane Gorman                                              

2000 and 2002

Thursday 3rd January 2002 it was a painful day for my Nan with her Auritus. She was getting fed up with the weather, which was too dangerous for her to go out.
Monday 14th January 2002 I wondered if me not putting on weight was a good thing cause it wasn't when now I am middle aged find it hard to get it off.
I became happy with the way my English and my Creative writing was improving.
Wednesday 16th January I couldn't believe my little sister Hollywood was 19 on the 11th January. Now the last twelve have flown since I was that diary. Holly is nearly thirty - one having a child of her own. She had a scan, it's a baby boy so great news I am going to be an Aunty for the first time at the age of forty - four, which is big difference to when my Aunty was to me Aunty Vicci was only nine when I was born.
It got the point my Mother did a lot of travelling back 2002 and years to come. Both me and Holly were busy with our careers and that at the time. My Grandmother was getting more and more unwell. From there we can had to think very carefully indeed. What was going to happen to Eddie dog? Eddie was really more of a farm and country dog he wasn't a street dog. Once you put the lead on he took you for a walk. I fell over with him quite a few times. He lived with this lady who lived on a farm in the country or somewhere like that I think with other animals. Mum still came to visit him ever so often until he died of skin cancer some years ago sadly. He was such a lovely dog like a soft teddy bear. ( Eddie bear.)

Friday 18th February 2002. I had just come back from the Flying Dutchman pub with a friend of mine Ron Eagle. A group of young lads stood outside the flat I had at the time shouting off their mouths and that. The one went to the toilet up the wall. Me and my friend Ron rang the police but then the police couldn't find them. Ron thought they were on drugs or something.

Many bits of my work through January 2002 was about how my disabilities and health problems affect my life. I still suffer from Anxiety and depression. Back then i had a lot of fits or and Anxiety attacks very little now if any at all.


On 9th January 2002 I was reading Anne Flank's diary, when there were hole in the ground toilets and no washing machines. They were very short of food in World war 2.
At the time I was writing this diary my Gran's Autirignus was getting worse.
It had been two year since my friend John died on the 8th January 2002.  Many had said he took an over dose before he hung himself. During the time me and my friends I knew at the time who knew never noticed him as that type of person. John's Aunty Susan thought it was a cry for help. He seemed to have had a lot of private personal  problems.  Bad people were picking on him at the bus station. This was upsetting his friends and family.

Sunday 23rd January 2002. Was the day I wrote the poem ' The big Tiger'.
The big who only bits when he needs to bit.
Watch out of you wake up in the middle of the night.
The big tiger has an evil look in his eyes.
He has orange and black stripes that are very bright.
13 years on after I wrote that poem I met my new boyfriend Tim Hodge online who I nick name Tiger Tim, Tim Tiger.

Saturday 28th January 2000. Like every year starts off cold. The year 2000 was the year we started to get a lot of ranly storms and floods, which has been on and off over the years ever since. Don't we just hate the dark mornings and dark nights. Dirty grey skies through the days. Every morning, night
and day it is too much for six mouths, even now the summer is all mixed up.
Sunday 29th January 2000. The wet and stormy weather like ghosts coming out the sky.
The ghosts talk to us the wind blows.
Tuesday 25th January 2000. I was reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Her novels are not much different to Charles Dickens writing Oliver Twist. The family who lived with Jane were very cure to her as I made notes in my 2000 Journal.
Monday 14th February 2000. It was a ok day, when I ex boyfriend Ian, when I was seeing him at the time lost £10.00 of mine.  Yet he brought me a box of  Milk Tray Chocolates. Ian walked out my flat because he had forgotten his tablets for his fits. What a very strange man he was. He only had enough money for his bus fare home. I got home to find there was a Valentine card with a picture of a teddy bear and heart with a poem inside. It really cheered me up but the person who it was wasn't my type but still the thought is what counts but at that point I didn't know who it was off. Ian got very jealous when he found out about the card. Me and my friends at the time spend days trying to find out who the card was off.

Saturday 19th February  2000 I was getting fed up of Ian messing me around and getting up to no good. Just because someone send me an Valentine card does not me I am interested, it can mean friendship it does not have to mean love. It was Desmond coxs who looked like Trevor Mcdonald  who told the News At Ten 10.00pm not my type at all. That has nothing to do with him at all being coloured.

Me and Ian had a big fall out anyway, he could speak for himself when he told me he has seven affairs.
Wednesday 23rd February 2000. My ex boyfriend Anthony got to find out Ian had hurt me but he wasn't very pleased. Anthony can speak for himself, men are such strange human beings but I guess us women are too.
Friday 25th February 2000. Was John's birthday but I thought it was Burns Night, no it past on the 25th January. It was a very sad day for me, Annabel and Paul Flinn on John's birthday. If only John was alive on his 21st birthday and many to come. Me and Ian were on the verge of splitting up. A bad day but for me to get rid of Ian it was for the best, which even knew when the realtionship was ending.

Saturday 4th March 2000. It's time to move on.
It's time to be brave and strong enough to love again.
When you have been hurt so bad it's so hard to love again.
You don't feel any love in your heart other than to the love you have lost.
One day you will be brave and strong to love again.
If you think without fears the love will come along that's right for you.

Sunday 5th March 2000. I thought it was love.
I thought I'd never lose your love.
I thought I'd never be brave enough to love again after the last love before you.
Love has it's ups and downs, it's a part of life.
It's not worth carrying on if there's more bad than good.

Monday 6th March 2000.
Love can be wonderful, romantic, good and sweet but also sad and bad.
When I get old and grey is when every day passes my way.
Ne energy of love brings their young  and happy days back again.

Tuesdat 7th March 2000.
When I get old and grey is when life passes me day by day.
I will think of the many loves I have loved before who were the ones to blame making me old and grey every day.

Thursday 9th March 2000.
When I get old and grey.
I will read  books and write my own books everyday.
Study English, Psychology, biochology, short stories and romantic poetry.
I will sit in my rocking chair knitting watching the clocks tick by.

Friday 10th March 2000 - Saturday 11th March 2000.

Valentine please be mine right up to the end of my time.
Whoever you may be, please be mine right up to the end of my time.
I love you so, please don't let me go.
Please don't tell me our love is blind because you are always on my mind all the time.
I still feel your love on my body and mind.
It makes me feel so alive all the time.
I hope one day to become your bridge until the end of my time.
As long as you are my sweet Valentine.

Sunday 12th March 2000.
I burrow my head under my bed, having lovely thoughts going through my head.
When I think about you whoever you are, I dream I am lying close to you in my sleep.

Monday 13th March 2000. Verse two.
My darling I wish I knew what the future for you and I will bring.
I miss your tender love and kiss on your sweet tender lips.
Whoever you are, you are in my dreams.
You are a dream waiting to come true.

Tuesday 14th March 2000. I was studying a passage in a magazine on Coronation street. I had been answering on it when I was studying for my exams at the time.
The Pratt family had been having a lot of problems at the time. It started off with Gail's son Nick who broke up with his teenage wife and moved to Canada.  Gail's marriage was failing with Matan,  he had an affair with Rebecca Hopkins. It was thought that Sarah Louise had eating disorders but then she was pregnant.

My Journals and diaries new and old.

20.12.2013 Even Charlies Dickens inspired me for the kind of work he did. Now 20 years of writing I have seen the world move backwards in time. Slowly in danger of going back to Charlies Dickens time if the British government carries on the way it is. I guess the same for many other governments really if not all. I never thought I'd see  Britain going through hard times very slowly back to where it was. This isn't much at the moment because I guess there's worse to come.
I understand I may seem like a serious person I am when I need to be, when I am certained about peoples' lives in danger. Once it starts it's hard to see the future.
I don't have a problem with the foreigners been but we haven't got the money to over crowd Britain. Over the last few years this country has been in debt for many reasons not just one. I know the foreigners are good workers and a lot of our people don't want to work but not all of us don't want to.
 Mainly the banks and I think it's wrong creating loan shop when they know 9 out 10 people all or more won't have the money to pay them back.
I think we are softer now than what we were in Charles Dickens time. Don't get me wrong I am not into the government but these days they don't seem to be doing a lot positive. We are spending money we can't affrond and cutting back on the wrong things. In the end it's the vulnerable people who are suffering through a lot of their services cutting back so are other people.
In Wolverhampton example there's handy anything left of our City town centre, infact it's died since it's been a city, it was so much full of life when it was a town. For the last few years there's seemed to be a lot of shops and that closing down. Even the pubs and clubs are dead. In fact there's handy any clubs now.
It's very slowly getting toward Charlies Dickens time, as you walking the streets of Wolverhampton people are asking you for spare change. Now it's getting to a point you are very lucky if you have a roof over your head. On the other hand these people ask for spare change no one knows what their stories are to why they are on the streets in the first place so one can't say whether they are there through no fault of their own or not. Never the less those of us who have homes we have just about enough money to get by so it's hard for us to help others when we are finding it hard to help ourselves. Not all people I know but most beg money for drugs but many may have their reason behind that. Ok there's services to help these people but a lot of these services are finding hard to cope money plus it's hard to know how many people are trying to help themselves and how many are not.
I don't just plan to write about the state of society but subject as well. without been cure Britain is over crowded.
I was very inspired by old films as a teenager on the way people smartly dressed such as Clark Gable Rhett Butcher ' Gone With The Wind.' A lot of ideas for stories came from old films  I used to watch with my Grandmother when I was a child. My nan's favorite actor John Wayne as well as Clark Gable and many more.
I guess my work was very boring when I started twenty years ago but hopefully as I am getting more educated as I was then I hopefully it will get more interesting. It has always took me a long time to say what I want in a way others understand. Something that could be short comes out too long. Like an essay, you know what you want to say but it's getting it down on paper.
I have just been study my diary I wrote back in 2002, I wrote down my plans of the new year, which was my introduction of my diary. My new plans were to job hunt. I have always want to go into full time work and off benefits but with my disability the support has always been hard. I know writing isn't an easy career to get into.
2002 was a time I thought I was happily in love but instead I made a very big mistake in 2001 going back to Anthony.
I was looking out for my Grandmother she was becoming more and more unwell as years were leading up to her death the 30th June 2007.
 I stopped calling  ex boyfriend James back in 2002, which was running my phone bill up.
At that time I was using the Windows 95 software at college.
Playing cds and still watching videos.
Looking out for Eddie Dog and Stevie Bea.
My fits or and Anxiety attacks at that point were pretty bad.
I needed to give Anthony his space but couldn't because of my fits.
I was reading trying to get ideas for stories.
It's all come back to me that the snow was pretty bad back in 2002.
The sun was shining but it was very cold.
In those days I was going in the Flying Dutchman pub Warstones Wolverhampton.
The lounge wasn't too bad but the bar was pretty rough.
I drank there for two to three years.
Many people who drank in there died.
Two young men were murdered in so much time after one another as they were walking home I think.
So many years after the pub closed down it became a restaurant.
I tried to read 'Harry Potter'. from J.K Rowling but never really understood back 2002.
I was reading about the 4 th January 2002 When I planned my day. I was on work experience at the library cleaning and labeling the books. There was baby club on. I was also a student then like I am now.
I had a writer's block on the 9th January 2002, I wanted to write a fiction story but my mind was blank.
It was the day I was glad to see the snow go well on the 10th January was that.
I was writing about a character I had in mind her name was Alison Brown. Alison was around in the early 20th century. Her parents died of drinking problems.  Alison was an orphan as a child. As young woman she met her husband Fred Brown.They had ten children together. Fred was a miner who died down the pits. Alison earn her money sweeping the streets.

More about diaries

It was Friday 14th January 1994, when I wrote about moving back to Wolverhampton from Wales and Shropshire.  Not a lot had changed over the years since my childhood but I had been up and down to Wolverhampton over the years. Apart from going back to my roots, I came back to have a social because Wales and Shropshire has always been out in the sticks and it will always will be. Saying that now Wolverhampton is like a ghost town nothing to it anymore. I also looking forward to a better career. It was a start but not quite, even now twenty years later I am still working on it. I started college just before Christmas 1993, I was studying English because I knew I wanted to be a writer, which yet again I am still working on twenty years later but I had been on many places through schemes, which many didn't have anything to do with what I wanted to do.
Life was full of the unknown shocks and surprises. My weak spots were always romance. Every man I ever had I thought was better than the rest, when really they were all as bad as one another in different way but they had their good points too at least some anyway. I was still rather damaged after my realtionship break up with Steven Preen but I was very slowly getting over that. My mistake was I met and fell in with Anthony Shone six mouths later, which was far too quick, which never worked out but we had been fooling ourselves for 13 yrs on and off trying to make it work, which we shouldn't forced something that wasn't meant to be.
I live with my Aunty Vicci for a while my Mother was sorting me a house, then I lived with my Grandmother for a short while.
In the year 2000 Journal that my Mother bought me Christmas 1999. I hadn't written a diary or journal since 1993 I don't think. I made another mistake fulling in love with another young man named Ian Hutchinson about just 12 mouths after Anthony finished with me for another woman the first time,  I wrote a poem called ' I miss you forever more'. In thinking  as I did with many that he was the right person for me but he wasn't.
In this daily Journal I was saying that life is too short to waste. There's 100 years in a century : we will not be here in the next 100 years. I was saying I was hoping that this will be a Journal for the next generation : possibly our generation as well at least most of us anyway. The Journal diary was written about my life in the year 2000.  I said sooner or not later I will type it out, which is what I am starting to do. I am willing to make my work more interesting as time goes on.  This diary will be looked at as old in years to come but unknown whether it's easy to read or not like many old Journals generations before us. It's now the 22nd  December 2013 it will be soon 2014 so more diaries and Journals to come.
I don't know what I was thinking saying I don't want people to read my Journal util I have left the planet. I think I saw it as private information I was writing at the time, which a lot of that part of my life has gone now so it doesn't really matter to me anymore.
Who I thought as my first serious boyfriend Anthony went off with another woman about nearly 17 years ago when I was twenty - seven years of age. I became thirty October 24th 1999, although I had been starting to move on in my life, which I found hard getting over Anthony then but I feel nothing for him now.
'Handsome young man.'  was another poem of mine in this Journal, which showed I never really got over Anthony at that point even though I was with Ian. Little did I realize that Ian was just as bad.
My Daily Journal Millenium 2000. Saturday 1st January 2000. I said about the fireworks going off at 12,00am but then it has happened every year since : not before.
Saturday 8th January 2000, when a friend of my John Paul Howell died at the Good Shepherd Wolverhampton. He was found hanging in a wardrobe holding a coat hanger with a belt round his neck at 6.30pm. On 25th February 2000 was his 21st birthday. Sadly I was unknown to the reasons why he took his own life but this was much information and my friends were told at the time.    
  

.Diaries through varies years.

It was Saturday 25th December 1993, my Mother brought me a private diary with a key. I just wrote about the things that were going through my at the time. Nothing seemed to make sense as my pen found it hard to go in time to the things I was thinking in my mind. At the time of writing this diary, my Mother brought my sister Holly a dog named Eddie. He was a very different kind of bred meaning new rare bred at the time, He a small Polish Lowland sheep dog. He was like a white teddy bear. He would grab everything insight, run away and play with it, whatever it was.  Clothes off the clothes horse and teddy bears ripped to pieces,he was mad but lovely.
I took a look back at the 1993 diary, which was my first diary. It brought all back to me having that mini sewing machine another Christmas present off my Mother. I couldn't manage it very well due to the Dyspraxia in my hands which was unknown at the time.
I will be honest to say that I wasn't as educated then as I am now even though I thought I was. I was only twenty - three years of age I thought I knew it all but I knew nothing. The world was new, too big and wide to me although I didn't see it at the time. You realize you know nothing when you mistakes and full back on   your face, that's when you do learn the hard way but then you still know nothing at all.
I came out of school knowing nothing because of been a slow learning, it made think that there was nothing for me in life but then I have proved myself wrong but then no one knows everything what a boring world if we all did!
Even back Christmas 1993, I said people spend and make a lot of fuss and money for one day Christmas day. In my first diary I was trying to the fuss of Christmas cakes, mice pies Christmas dinner and etc that make me and many others like me fat.
I told you on the 26th December 1993, that I did some typing but I can't remember what I writing about, if I have still got that writing I would know it was or whether I dated it or not. I have written so much in 20 years but nothing really has been published about from a poem each published in eleven but then Poetry Now! the publishers ripped me off.
I learned how to knit at the age of 16, my hands couldn't grip the needles due to my unknown Dyspraxia still to this day I don't know whether I have got or not. I am not knitting as much now because my interest has become bigger in my writing, it surprising how much of my time is taking up with my writing, Advocacy, learning disability and mental health awareness training. I think at the time of writing this diary I was knitting a white jumper which I don't think ever got finished.
I polished the table and fire place. At about that time people stopped using coal fire, which they only used as fire places. Just by looking at them as a writer I thought about coal fires roaring as they are lit, which I tried very hard to think about ideas for stories which never came out successful. I have missed those warm Christmas feelings as a child when it came to coal fires. I started to realize 20 years ago I became an adult, things were changing for me, what was there about ten years before had gone.
I had been writing about facts and feelings. In all honestly back in those days I fell hopelessly in love with Steven Preen from Worcestershire, he seemed full of charm and he could  charm the water off a ducks back but there was also the evil side of him too, which I knew I had to get away from whether I loved him or not. At the time I was totally blind. He was always after other woman and he made himself to be the big I am but he wasn't. He said he'd got this and that but he hadn't. Yet when that relationship ended at the time felt like the end of the world. Six mouths later I realized it was for the best.
I started my autobiography back in February 1993 but didn't start this diary tell December of that year. Twenty years on I find it hard to work out whether I have finished or not. When I started it I was only twenty - three years old, I had people telling me I hadn't lived long enough to write. I looking back now at the age of forty - four I know they were right, which could explain why it's taking so long. There again what I could do is link the diaries I have write to my autobiography, if look out for those pieces of work on here. For someone as young as I was when I starting writing I had a lot on my mind at time yet there were times I had writer's blocks, used to drive me mad when I was in a mood to write. Now I have grown to accept because I have been through that many times over the years. Even after twenty years nothing has been published because with my disability the support is just hard to find, which is no different to other writers. I may even have except that I may not make not everyone does. Saying that some people are luckier than others. When I wrote which was then chapter ten in my autobiography, ' Living with Adults.' I forgot to write about the time my Mother and Aunty Vicci were watching the film ' Love Story' . I was eight years old at the time. I never understood why tears were running down their eyes as they were watching the film but they were laughing. I brought the toilet roll in, put it on the coffee table.

" Dry your eyes you silly pair!" They just laughed at me more than the film I think in the end. Even now I don't understand silly pair ha ha. I never took that much interest in the film to be truthful, which handy surprising I didn't understand my Mother and Aunty laughing and crying at the same time but then I was only eight years of age. In those days I was on tablets for fits.
I can't remember what number chapter it was. I have changed the number of chapter and titles a lot of the years in that autobiography. I wrote a chapter My Adult Life. Like I said about people telling me I was too young to write an autobiography because I hadn't hardy lived. What I wrote about was what I had done so far from when I left school at 16 until I was 23, you may well think when read it a fair bit but I added more over the years as I made those moves in my life.
On 30th December 1993, My old school friend Molly came down to my Aunties with her sons. Twenty years later she's on her death bed with month cancer, which is complicity heart breaking.
We spend a lot of time together as children. Sadly we did't see each other a lot over the  years during adult hood. I could be wrong but I think she mixed with a lot of people who got into drugs and that. When it comes to situations like this it can be very hard. It's so sad we can't turn back the clock. A lot of things we don't realize until it's too late. Back in Charlies Dickens time there was a lot of homeless people becoming hungry and ill during the 19th century. These people never know what was wrong with them and doctors never really knew what the right treatment was, which hasn't changed much today. With the cuts of the NHS and that I feel the world is slowly going back to where it was in the 19th century. Like Charlies Dickens I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. When I started writing back in February 1993 I watched the news at ten about the Council Care homes closing down, which strangely inspired me to write. I was recovering from cancer of the throat at my Grandmothers.
It was the 31st December 1994. New year and better started I thought I was in love with another young man Anthony Shone who I met on the 16th May 1994. To me he was my first serious love. The relationship was on and off for 13 and a half years. I guess I took on Anthony what I had been through with Steven but we we both to blame the damage of our relationship, which is a very long story.
I remember been inspired by Charles Dickens stories about the hard times people had in those times.  People who are worse off than myself yet it turned I was working for Mencap back  in 2007, which is a learning disability charity.  I was Group Advocacy worker and Learning Disability Awareness trainer for an Advocacy group called Our Shout. Due to the government cutting funding it folded in 2011, which was a heart breaking job to lose. Fro May 2011 to December 2011 I had nothing going for me other than my writing, I just went into deep depression during those mouths.
     

It was all in my mind.

I was the only child for 13 years.

Even though I could read and write I could never take anything in but then my head was full of thoughts or no thoughts at all. Having been the only child for 13 years as well having disabilities and health problems I didn’t feel equal to the rest of the world.

Every new term or every holiday after the weekend, teachers always asked us to write in our rough books what we did during our breaks from school I could never always remember, only things I enjoyed the most.

You know that English has always been the worse and my favorite subject to me because I either have too much to say for myself or nothing at all.

As a child due to heavy medication I was in a world of my own, my learning abilities were affected and I had no danger awareness.

One Monday morning came to school a holiday or weekend break. I was asked as normal to write about what I didn't’t over the break but my mind was compliantly blank but I wasn't allowed to write nothing at all but then I really wanted to write something. It got me into trouble but then I would have been in worse trouble if I said nothing at all.

The story goes like this, my Grandmother Letty was my Mother, my Mother and my Aunty was my big sisters, I had a made up big brother Ben, made up little brother Tony and made up little sister Susan. All these strange thoughts came into my head.

Letty my Grandmother as my Mother had her real name. Aunty Vicci as my big sister had her her real name, my Mother as my big sister had her nick name Sam. Made up Sister Susan her hair was black but she wore pigtails in her hair and a little red plain dress. Made up Brother Tony wore brown shorts, cream tee shirt and he had short straight brown hair.

I forgot the story I wrote, it was over thirty years ago but I can still see my teacher in my head today, her name was Miss Coal. She may not have been as old as she looked. Miss coal was old to me. Sorry that morning I didn't  tell the truth in my story because I didn’t know what to write. Like I said I would have been in worse trouble I would have wrote nothing but as it was I was in enough trouble.

Even today I can still see Miss Coal’s curly hair, her cracked, wriggled face. She was most likely in her fifties at the time but she looks as old as ninety to me. She wore what I can still see is and was a brown and cream dog tooth coat, which I find it hard to take off my mind, which a lot of years ago give me nightmares plenty of times.

Lucky I had this idea for this story because I had a dream the night before I wrote it if you know what I mean, which I will go into very soon. Due to been a child with possible very mild Autism I was very much misunderstood but then this story is fiction and nonfiction.

“Sara Gorman, why can’t you tell the truth?” said Miss Coal raising her voice so loudly.

“Sorry Miss, I didn’t know what to write.”

She asked me how could forget what I did over the break but then I couldn't answer but then she couldn’t understand how I could forget.

“Sara, I don’t believe you.”

I thought to myself if I didn’t write anything at all you wouldn't like it either so I wouldn't be able to win either way. May be it’s not true or partly true but I had to think about this one very hard. OK I admit it was story based on a dream, I wrote in my rough book but it’s based on some truth facts. I also admit that I had very strange thoughts running through my head.

We lived in a random 200 year old Farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, five to seven archers of ground with a duck poud of random drake ducks. For the size of our family it was a handy family home.

I remember my big sister Sammy driving me to school and back home in this random red mini but our home car park was really large, big and round. It was five to seven miles from the home to the nearest shops. If there were any bus routes they were miles apart by a guess.

The hot boiler water tank and heater was non- stop heat and water through the winter. It must have cost my parents a lot of money. They also had the coal fire roaring with heat, which heated the entire house.

I never forget the grey three pence leather sweet in the living room, pale blue carbert, walls and ceiling.  The television was a black portable television; there weren’t any DVDs and video players and computers which at that time unknown.

I remember me, Susan and Tony playing frustration, operation, snakes and ladders. We were happy children. Computers would have been far too much choice for us because we never knew about any such thing.

Time to go up the wooden hills, the years our bedrooms were damage. It had been years since we may have remembered what our childhood bedrooms looked like.  We only remember going to bed every night at 10.00pm, which were freezing. The bedroom walls and ceilings were dull, white mattress, sheets pillows and black blankets.  In those days there were no double glazing windows. It didn’t mean anything to us because we didn’t know any other life. Centre heating was unknown to our generation.

The confusion has always been is that my Grandfather as my Father Ramsey had made us from rich to poor. He spent his money wild on betting and drinking but strangely he was such a hard worker. We’d dread hearing come drunk as he beat our Mother, as we put the black blankets over our heads. When my Mother first met him he started off as a tall, dark and handsome charming young man until she married him to find out different. Mum never had to work at first but over the years she got poorer. After the divorce after twenty years of marriage she couldn’t afford to keep that big house. This was a big disappointed to my Mother because my dad built her hopes up so high on the house.

I am hurt that I wasn’t able to see that my Mother was completely happy after what a rough life she had. Even after her divorce she had lost in men. All the same her world wasn’t completely black and white because she made a lot of nice friends in work and things.

The truth is that my Grandmother was a lovely lady but she had such a rough life.

If anyone deserved happiness she did. My Nan loved my Granddad dearly to start off with. Like I said in the story he was tall, dark handsome and charming but after marriage my Nan found out his true colours, which were very nasty and selfish. I myself only wish I could have made her life happy because I don’t believe that she was ever truly happy, even though she made nice friends and she had us as her family.

 I know she thought the world of me; she always looked out for me and her other Grandchildren as well as children.

This story is based on a lovely lady who deserved a better life than what she got.

I myself was never completely happy until my little Holly was born. Now nearly thirty –one years on Holly is having a baby boy so I am going to become an Aunty, which is great news.

  

Update on Anxiety, Depression,Stress,panic,Attacks ADHD, Epilepsy.

All these mental health problems can get confused because there's not  much different to one another. I guess I could have either one to all of those as I have suffered from either one to all for forty-four years now, which is from birth.

Through the side affects of my medication Phenobarbital I was put on as a baby and child, which caused me to be moody and hyperactive. The moods could come on any time due to the fact I found it hard to sleep at night I was over tired. Yet strangely the day time I was dreamy, in a world of my own and unaware of the world around me. For example even at the age of twelve I was a danger hazard to cross the road.

I couldn't pay attention in my school work. I was always classed as thick, lazy and told I’d never get along in life.  I think at that point of my life I was suffering from ADHD.  I left school believing I wouldn't get anywhere in life. I left school believing at first that I would not get anywhere in life but then I was more glad to leave school. Near enough every school I went to I faced bullying, rape and sexual abuse from a lot of children in the schools.  From after I left school twenty – seven years ago I have proved myself wrong by achieving the things I have said I have achieved like the exams I have passed  in college, the awareness of learning disability and mental health, Advocacy, short stories and poetry which is all on my website sararevealed.blogspot.com/ email sarajgorman@gmail.com.

Never the less these health problems are not much different to one another. Anxiety is a feeling of anger, panic and fear whether a person has a reason to feel that way or not. Depression is a feeling of sadness whether a person has a reason to feel sad or not. Epilepsy and panic attacks are not that much different to one another either. Worry is connected to stress which is anxiety when a person gets upset easily.  Can all those health problems be linked or and even be misunderstood?  

How can these health problems be not much different to one another?

A fit and a panic attack are both to do with the nevus system, which people can very easily confuse one with the other. This can also be confusing for the person who is facing the fit, panic attack or even both. For example what I have faced.

·       Headaches

·       Dizziness

·       Choking or even a sense of choking, it’s a feeling as if someone has got their hands round my neck.

·       Electric shocks, pins and needles through my spine arms and legs.

·       Shaking

·       Going hot and cold

·       Fully aware of what’s going on.

This is an example of how all these things can get confused with one another.

Anxiety.  A sense of panic, fear and or anger whether there’s a reason or not. Like all health problems it can depend on how we manage the health problems. Those of us like me who have had these health problems manage them in a different way than what we did to start off with.

As it’s possible I may have had ADHD as a child it could be possible it could be a major form of Anxiety. Most children pull a screaming and kicking temper paddies in town for example at times but it can depend on how often. If this happens to your child a lot and I mean a lot then they may need to get checked and diagnosed. Something may be happening your child may not be able to explain also they may be in fear that you may not understand. May be they don’t know themselves, which can be very furstraighting this can also be fearful and scary whether there’s a reason to be or not. ADHD can be some form of Autism as well.

A mild form Anxiety can be the same as major fearing things are worse than what they are but can be in different ways.  For example different people you different thing on one thing a person may want to know so that person may get easily get confused.

Most people may get upset easily upset caused by negative situations such as a death of people they know or they may a relationship break up which we all have to face but we all get affected in different ways. Some people come to terms with these things quicker than others but people with health problems and disabilities mostly tend to be more sensitive and tend to be slower to come to term with these kinds of issues.

Some people can be also nervous of exams and even taking their driving test for example. This can depend on how often a person is nervous and may be depending what situations they are nervous of. People can get nervous over negative and positive things which can be a sense a fear, excitement, whether something is going to be good or bad news like exams for eg;

Some people have fears of forgetting things mainly when it comes to important things. Even if you have got things ready before hand you want to make. You fear just in case you forget something important. In fact people who suffer from Anxiety are likely to forget less time than people who don’t have Anxiety cause we are always worrying about forgetting. In fact what we have to remember is always on our minds until whatever event is over. You are saying to yourself, have I remembered it when you get there where you are going and whatever you need whatever for.

Anger is part of Anxiety. Anger is a feeling you get whether there’s a reason or not. It can be a feeling of anger, worry, stress and tension yet all of those things can just happen. This is because those things are linked to Anxiety. This is where we need exercises to loosen our muscles up but this may not work for all of us. It’s possible that all these words like anger, worry, stress and tension get confused easy because there’s not much difference between the meanings of the words. When we face these feelings it tends to feel the same feeling. These feelings don’t need a reason to happen.

Depression.  It’s the same with depression a feeling of sadness that comes on whether there’s a reason to be sad or not.

 It’s hard to know whether these health problems are illnesses or conditions, I don’t anyone knows for such.

One always says that’s it best to keep the mind and body busy but that works for some people not for others. Many people tell people who suffer from Anxiety and depression that it’s all in the mind.

In my case I can go from losing interest in what I am normally interested in to climbing the walls when I have nothing going on in my life. I can feel angrily, sad, down, stressed, depressed, worried and etc for a reason and no reason at all.

I have so many thoughts in my head I very rarely talk about or I don’t talk about them at all such as feeling as if life isn't worth life. I try very hard to fight those thought, which isn't easy. It could be for the silliest reasons or yet again no reason at all. Professions advice this that and the other but these things are there to try. What works for one person doesn't for the other. That could mean exercises, diet and many things that may keep the mind and body busy.

Like for example for me and for those of you who have read my website will know my poetry helps my Anxiety and Depression in the sense of anger and sadness, when comes to relationship break ups for example or someone who I know who has died.

UNDERSTANDING ANXENTY AND DEPRESSION.

Anxiety and depression can be linked to learning disabilities.

Most of us feel frightened our muscles can tense up whether we have a reason to do so or not.

Most of us can think we fail in everything but we don’t. We can feel nervous for example when are about to take an exam or even have an interview for a job.

Most of us find it hard to believe in ourselves and many of us find it hard to we will get the support we need in whatever we need it for.

Some of us find it hard to believe that employers will take us on many of us believe that employers will sack us.

Anxiety and depression has its good days and bad.

When things get really bad many of us feel as if life is not worth living therefore it can cause us to have thoughts of taking our own lives.

Depression is a feeling of sadness whether there’s a reason to be or not like Anxiety is a feeling of anger whether there’s a reason to be or not.  When you have those feelings you have a fear of society thinking you have gone so mad, that they think you need to be locked up. Anxiety and depression is also a fear of everything being your fault. Yes I know it may not be as bad as it seems but if you haven’t got these health problems you don’t understand.

There’s no need to see the world as black and white. We are not completely sad and angrily people. We have our good and bad days just like you do. Some of us can manage our own health problems, others need help to do so and others can be bothered.

 Others live in fear of what society thinks because Mental Health can be so misunderstood. Some people find it hard to have trust in the system. Mainly when it comes to the cutbacks British is having, you may be shocked to find how many people may be suffering on their own. A lot of people with Mental Health problems get frightened and they fear things. Making people aware help is out there but not forcing help.

This may not make sense to people who don’t have Mental Health problems but we shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed and guilty, mainly those of us who try to help ourselves.  Many of us may appear alright to you if you see smiles on our faces but what we feel inside can be very different. This can be because we don’t want to be hard work to anyone and that we want to help ourselves. Hiding the sadness and anger can be the easiest way we can manage our health problems. Yes I know that there are some that can’t be bothered to help themselves.

There are different forms of Anxiety and depression which affects different people in different ways from minor to major. Some people mainly when they have got other health problems and disabilities a lot of medications can make them worse than what they are mainly when they are on too many. A lot side affects can get confused with the health problems themselves.

Another way some people with Mental Health problems manage their illnesses or and conditions is by expressing talents that many can have like poetry, short stories, drawings and paintings for example. By managing their lives like that is better than committing crimes but not everyone manages that way. They either find other ways or nothing at all. For most people, they may become a victim of crime, commit crimes or even both. Some people are danger to themselves, to others or both.

 If that happens either they are in fear of what people think of them or they just can’t be bothered to mange their health problem and get help. Some people are even aware they have these problems but other people notice they are there.

Most of us don’t like crowds and queues, which give us a sheer of panic then we have to find a clear space to calm ourselves down.

Most of us will avoid packed places.

Some of us have fear of forgetting even if we getting everything together, then we are checking our bags halfway down the road for example.

It’s hard to know how we get through day after day.

Many of us get upset very easily over negative situations whether it’s for example a death of a people we know relationship break ups, failed an exam or turned down by a job. We understand that these things happen but it takes us longer to come to terms with than other people we never do. Many people find it hard to put certain things that have happened in their past behind them. Some it may take a long time to put behind them and others never get over whatever it is. Some people even can have nightmares, flashback or both for years or even for life.

  

All my life I have tried to mange my Anxiety and depression the best way I can without realising I have those health problems to start with.

My Anxiety and Depression work both ways to a point I can’t manage my life without having something going onto a point I have lost interest in things that I am normally interested in.

I love writing short stories and poetry. I even knit and read ever so often.

 Some people have anxiety, depression and epilepsy, which can link together.

If people get stressed very easily suffer Panic attacks it can bring epilepsy but it doesn't affect everyone the same.

I am an Advocacy work, Learning Disability and Mental Health Awareness trainer.

Change can be a big thing for a lot of people with Autism.
People can have these conditions whether they have disabilities or not. Health problems can link to disabilities or be without disabilities.

Anxiety and depression is bad for enough anyone.
New things which are changes whether it's good or bad can make people nervous. When some people get nervous they can have Panic attacks but Panic attacks can be brought by other things like for example; stress other reasons or no reason at all like depression.  

 Change can be a big thing for of people whether they are nervous about something or someone.
Whatever is going on in peoples' lives and minds some people can ‘t sleep for thinking all the while others sleep all the while to avoid the situations whether it's a good bad change in their lives.
Some people can find it hard to contrite on other things they only cope with one thing at a time.
Some people may worry more than they should, which is part of their condition what seems a mole hill to you feels like a mountain to them. You just need to be patient until the person realises that things may not be as bad to what it seems to them.

Everyone suffers from Anxiety and depression one way or another.

Sadly there's not enough said about stress I think we need to raise Stress awareness for everyone, that includes people with LD and Health problems.

Some people don't know that some people suffer LD and Health problems together, that's what I have otherwise I wouldn't have known that.

Anxiety and depression are forms of stress in every ones' lives.

Many things can get on top of people, paying bills, not enough work, too much work, marriage, relationships, children and even loneliness. 

It's very hard to make a balance to keep healthily and happy.

This can be why a lot of people can turn to smoking, drugs and etc.

When you have learning disabilities there can be a lack of support off society because we are slow and find it harder to cope with our lives than other people yet we are easier ill than other people.

Stress, Depression and Anxiety can last short term or for life. 

If you think about it we can all suffer stress one way or another?

It's so easy to worry about things that you didn't need to but with some things you were right doing so.

If you would like to have more understanding with what’s on the Mind.

A lot of people say Mental health is just in the mind.
You may learn what's, whys and how the Mind is is or can be affected.

Tap Mind in the Google engine or whatever you have got. 

WWW.mind.org.uk

Save it in your favourites or Bookmarks. 

Whatever Health problems and disabilities are we have enough stress with that on its own.

We understand for eg; that we have to pay our bills like everyone else but with the problems we have already, we have double stress.
You feel tense.

You panic and worry about things that aren't as bad as they seem.

For eg; when I leave home to go anywhere I check my bag and my front door to make sure I have locked the door, remember my keys, bus passed and etc.

Touch wood I only forgot my money and phone once and had to travel from town back home to get, lucky I wasn't working at the time.

It seems like the end of the world when someone in your life dies or when your relationship breaks down.

You feel as if the world is controlling you.

I panic when I walk into services, load of people give me different answers to one question.

For eg; is this benefit right for me?

I can't cope with too much jargon and too much information.

To be truthful the answer is either yes or no not both.

Managers need to inform all staff on what the rules are otherwise it confuses people.

Sometimes crowds can panic me where there are too many people around me.

I am a bit better than I used to be.

It can depend where I am and how many people there are.


When I really worry about things, it causes me to have Petie Mal fits.

I am easy misunderstood mainly when I am accessing services, when information doesn't seem straight forward to me.

I always have to have things going on in my life; otherwise I get very angry, depressed and bored.
My Gran died in 2007 and my last relationship broke down for the last time.

If it hadn't of been for Employment Pathways getting me on to Mencap, I don't know how I would have coped with my life now.

The first longest my relationship broke up at the end of 1996, which was two and a half years.

Now when I think about it wasn't that long yet after been apart 4 years, I gave him a second chance that lasted seven years.

Now there's no going back.

I couldn't stand sitting in the house alone but I wasn't in the mood to talk to peopleither.

I just used watch the world go by.

At that point I used to drink very heavy, which lasted six to twelve mouths.

I then worked it that couldn't go on like this forever yet I was still having a break down and even feeling as if I wanted to end my life.

Never the less I cut the drinking down and I started writing poetry  to get things off my chest.