Dear Poets and writers.

Dear Keats                                                                                                           24.12.2013
       The world may well think I have gone mad writing to you but who cares what anyone thinks. If I am mad I am mad.
Since the age of twenty - seven John, you have inspired me since I was twenty - seven years of age, now I am forty - four years of age.
What I thought about to say while I was having a smoke, my thoughts have gone.
I must take life as it comes  however long or short I live for.
As much as the government is making life hard today I bet it was no different in your time.
They will never stop people taking drugs, drinking and smoke because these things are there.
Fair to the one who don't touch either of these things.
It becomes a hard habit to break but then it's luck of the draw whether I live or died.
I guess not much different to what happened to you, I guess I will never get published in my life time but may be never at all.
I enjoy writing and words but I don't except a lot or anything for my work but the fact that I may not be published doesn't stop me doing what I enjoy.
One may see it as wasting my time but as I enjoy it why not carry on, otherwise why was I born?
                                                                 Love From
                                                                  Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Keats                                                                                                      24.12.2013

Many people find poetry boring may be that's because in some peoples' cases not other, that we poets tell the truth in our words which hurts and bors a lot of readers. This may well explain why we poets find it hard to get published but we can't help the talent we have got.
 We can't help the thoughts we think and the feelings we have got. It's hard to work out why and how we think what we think really. How life makes us happy, sad, angry and even mad. Yet life is so short who knows what are ones thoughts?
Who am I to say otherwise? Without you I may not have had the talent I have got. May be it's not poetry or talent may be it's just words that I have got but to me you have talent.
May be I am not what I thought I was but I will carry on writing to be just myself till the day I died. I am who and what I am, I can't be anything or anyone else.
I need to write all the same not build my hopes up or and chase fame.
                                            Love from
                                            Sara Jane Gorman
Dear Keats                                                                                                         24.12.2013
      People may think I am mad writing to you because you have long left the world. I guess this is because I will never know what your views would have been to what I have said to you in these letters. At the end of the day you were a poet and in the mind of your fans such as I you still are. Not only I like your work but you were the first poet to inspire me to write poetry.
Yes I would be honest to say that I wonder what you would have said but then one can't have their own way on everything. I am yet to think about who I will write to next properly Shelly.
I think it's wise to be ones self but who knows if I am right or wrong?
I could never be talented in the eyes of society I just write words but all the same I will carry on whatever happens. Without you been aware of it you started me off with poetry back 1997, now I have started I won't stop.
Christmas eve is upon us today with the wind and the storm. When I drafted this letter to you last night I'd just come back from my local pub the Gunmakers Arms a little bit on the tipsy side as i drank a can of Fosters when  I got home, that's nothing new from most of us poets is it? I accept you can't answer that or anything.  I drank and smoked but enjoyed it too much but I wasn't too drunk, I know it does me no good. It's unhealthy  to have a enjoyable : life without these pleasures would be boring.  The fact these projects are there makes hard not to buy: if everyone stopped buying them what would happen then? The government excepts you to stop drinking, smoking etc but then what would they do if you stopped buying them? Britain is full of greed wanting things both ways, which isn't possible.
Not that I have any interest in the government but it's there in front of your face the country is in a  state of mess. May be Charles Dickens a writer I will to next because the country was in a mess his time and it's slowly going back to that now. There's no perfect world I know it would be boring if it was: this government is hard to understand. Let them carry on being hard as nails! I guess both you and Dickens are rolling in your graves if you knew the state of this world not just this country. If they realize there mistake, they have only got themselves to blame.
                                                   From
                                                    Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Charles Dickens                                                                     28.12.2013
       I am writing to tell you that I wrote to the poet John Keats telling him what this world is coming to. There's a lot funding cut on a lot of services and charities in Britain, a lot of shops, jobs, clubs, pubs and etc, are either closing or already closed down. The government now is very greedy and we are spending money what we can't afford. This government is making the cuts on things that are needed even the banks have been in debt. My worry is now in the things go back to where there were in your time. They are taking the money off the people who need most like people who have problems with their, disabilities, babies children, old people and etc.
Also work is very limited but then they are expecting to be in work when there's handy much work about. The good news is that  they are trying to get disabled people into work but the bad news is that they are making a lot of cuts on the disabled people need which is the same with Mental health too.
People with disabilities and mental health problems are still made to be nobody when we are just as human as everybody. We shouldn't be talked about as if we weren't planned. We are people  and we are useful for something : we shouldn't be treat as if we are nothing or nobody at all.  We shouldn't be treated as if life isn't worth living. These are the things that are very often said to us.
The rest of the world seems to be a normal place. people living in a perfect world and living normal lives, which is not the case. There's no such thing as perfect and normal otherwise the world would be a boring place.
I started my life in school as a child who found learning hard and I was very slow. I found it hard to pay attention on what was going on around me. I was told I would never get anything in life but I managed to caught up in college years. I even decided I wanted to be a writer when I was twenty-three years old. I was most inspired with the work you did in your time with you writing about living conditions and how society was in your day.
As a child I used to find it hard to learn my times tables as Mr Edward hit me on the fingers with a ruler every time I got a sum wrong. I still see his brown brief case with the black detention book inside. He used to say to me.
" Is anyone in there"
Since then times have moved on but the children are harmful to adults now there's no balance in-between, even though I know you were trying to put a stop to children been over hit but not it's caused to be harmful towards adults. Many teachers have been stabbed by children.
                                                                  From
                                                                   Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Charles Dickens                                                                             31.12.2013
        I think the world is coming to a big depression. Many people seem to think that people with unhealthy life styles shouldn't be to be treated by the NHS. This is a hard thing to know because no one can judge anyone because no one can say who disservices to be judged and who isn't for sure. We should never judge people: we should take it that people are as they appear to be either.  We should never take it that everyone causes their health problems, which is hardy surprising healthy things are out there like drinks, drugs and etc because governments make money out of them. Unhealthy food seems to be more cheaper than healthy food.
We must face facts that we are never going to have a healthy society, people don't exercise as much as we did in your day, we are aware of too much crime and too much traffic on the road.
The world is greedy all we live for is money, which my worry is that greed has caused the cuts in the world. Despite of what's good and bad for people they will buy because it's there ; then the good get judged and misunderstood for the bad.
I believe many governments are greedy for money no matter how much is spent. Money get's taken off those who need it most.
A lot of people smoke, drink or and even take drugs because it's out there.
There are far too many fast food places to eat, the odd healthy places are far too costly for the poor.  The ways things are going people will have to pay for their health or die just like it was back in your day. This is one big worry but like you society and living conditions is my research for my writing.                                                    From
                                                                 Sara Jane Gorman

Dear Charles Dickens                                     31,12,2013         
I am curtained of the state of the world. services, clubs, pubs, shops and etc are going one by one. Such people like the elderly, disabled, mental health problems and etc are getting less and less help.
This isn't all about health but the way people are having to live day by day.
If only you knew what really is going on you would be rolling in your grave. This isn't only happening to Britain but other counties in the world because Britain having to let a lot of foreigners live here but really we haven't the money or the room but nothing against the people themselves.     
This writing may be boring; it's the truth of what's going on in the world. We are spending more money than we can manage. the banks are in debt and all sorts.
There's also very little employment.
To be honest I find it hard to see a positive future.
On the bright side I only wish I could make a difference to the world trying bring times forwards rather than backwards but what seems to be happening in the world, which worries me very much just like many of you.
                                                          From
                                                        Sara Jane Gorman                                              

2000 and 2002

Thursday 3rd January 2002 it was a painful day for my Nan with her Auritus. She was getting fed up with the weather, which was too dangerous for her to go out.
Monday 14th January 2002 I wondered if me not putting on weight was a good thing cause it wasn't when now I am middle aged find it hard to get it off.
I became happy with the way my English and my Creative writing was improving.
Wednesday 16th January I couldn't believe my little sister Hollywood was 19 on the 11th January. Now the last twelve have flown since I was that diary. Holly is nearly thirty - one having a child of her own. She had a scan, it's a baby boy so great news I am going to be an Aunty for the first time at the age of forty - four, which is big difference to when my Aunty was to me Aunty Vicci was only nine when I was born.
It got the point my Mother did a lot of travelling back 2002 and years to come. Both me and Holly were busy with our careers and that at the time. My Grandmother was getting more and more unwell. From there we can had to think very carefully indeed. What was going to happen to Eddie dog? Eddie was really more of a farm and country dog he wasn't a street dog. Once you put the lead on he took you for a walk. I fell over with him quite a few times. He lived with this lady who lived on a farm in the country or somewhere like that I think with other animals. Mum still came to visit him ever so often until he died of skin cancer some years ago sadly. He was such a lovely dog like a soft teddy bear. ( Eddie bear.)

Friday 18th February 2002. I had just come back from the Flying Dutchman pub with a friend of mine Ron Eagle. A group of young lads stood outside the flat I had at the time shouting off their mouths and that. The one went to the toilet up the wall. Me and my friend Ron rang the police but then the police couldn't find them. Ron thought they were on drugs or something.

Many bits of my work through January 2002 was about how my disabilities and health problems affect my life. I still suffer from Anxiety and depression. Back then i had a lot of fits or and Anxiety attacks very little now if any at all.


On 9th January 2002 I was reading Anne Flank's diary, when there were hole in the ground toilets and no washing machines. They were very short of food in World war 2.
At the time I was writing this diary my Gran's Autirignus was getting worse.
It had been two year since my friend John died on the 8th January 2002.  Many had said he took an over dose before he hung himself. During the time me and my friends I knew at the time who knew never noticed him as that type of person. John's Aunty Susan thought it was a cry for help. He seemed to have had a lot of private personal  problems.  Bad people were picking on him at the bus station. This was upsetting his friends and family.

Sunday 23rd January 2002. Was the day I wrote the poem ' The big Tiger'.
The big who only bits when he needs to bit.
Watch out of you wake up in the middle of the night.
The big tiger has an evil look in his eyes.
He has orange and black stripes that are very bright.
13 years on after I wrote that poem I met my new boyfriend Tim Hodge online who I nick name Tiger Tim, Tim Tiger.

Saturday 28th January 2000. Like every year starts off cold. The year 2000 was the year we started to get a lot of ranly storms and floods, which has been on and off over the years ever since. Don't we just hate the dark mornings and dark nights. Dirty grey skies through the days. Every morning, night
and day it is too much for six mouths, even now the summer is all mixed up.
Sunday 29th January 2000. The wet and stormy weather like ghosts coming out the sky.
The ghosts talk to us the wind blows.
Tuesday 25th January 2000. I was reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Her novels are not much different to Charles Dickens writing Oliver Twist. The family who lived with Jane were very cure to her as I made notes in my 2000 Journal.
Monday 14th February 2000. It was a ok day, when I ex boyfriend Ian, when I was seeing him at the time lost £10.00 of mine.  Yet he brought me a box of  Milk Tray Chocolates. Ian walked out my flat because he had forgotten his tablets for his fits. What a very strange man he was. He only had enough money for his bus fare home. I got home to find there was a Valentine card with a picture of a teddy bear and heart with a poem inside. It really cheered me up but the person who it was wasn't my type but still the thought is what counts but at that point I didn't know who it was off. Ian got very jealous when he found out about the card. Me and my friends at the time spend days trying to find out who the card was off.

Saturday 19th February  2000 I was getting fed up of Ian messing me around and getting up to no good. Just because someone send me an Valentine card does not me I am interested, it can mean friendship it does not have to mean love. It was Desmond coxs who looked like Trevor Mcdonald  who told the News At Ten 10.00pm not my type at all. That has nothing to do with him at all being coloured.

Me and Ian had a big fall out anyway, he could speak for himself when he told me he has seven affairs.
Wednesday 23rd February 2000. My ex boyfriend Anthony got to find out Ian had hurt me but he wasn't very pleased. Anthony can speak for himself, men are such strange human beings but I guess us women are too.
Friday 25th February 2000. Was John's birthday but I thought it was Burns Night, no it past on the 25th January. It was a very sad day for me, Annabel and Paul Flinn on John's birthday. If only John was alive on his 21st birthday and many to come. Me and Ian were on the verge of splitting up. A bad day but for me to get rid of Ian it was for the best, which even knew when the realtionship was ending.

Saturday 4th March 2000. It's time to move on.
It's time to be brave and strong enough to love again.
When you have been hurt so bad it's so hard to love again.
You don't feel any love in your heart other than to the love you have lost.
One day you will be brave and strong to love again.
If you think without fears the love will come along that's right for you.

Sunday 5th March 2000. I thought it was love.
I thought I'd never lose your love.
I thought I'd never be brave enough to love again after the last love before you.
Love has it's ups and downs, it's a part of life.
It's not worth carrying on if there's more bad than good.

Monday 6th March 2000.
Love can be wonderful, romantic, good and sweet but also sad and bad.
When I get old and grey is when every day passes my way.
Ne energy of love brings their young  and happy days back again.

Tuesdat 7th March 2000.
When I get old and grey is when life passes me day by day.
I will think of the many loves I have loved before who were the ones to blame making me old and grey every day.

Thursday 9th March 2000.
When I get old and grey.
I will read  books and write my own books everyday.
Study English, Psychology, biochology, short stories and romantic poetry.
I will sit in my rocking chair knitting watching the clocks tick by.

Friday 10th March 2000 - Saturday 11th March 2000.

Valentine please be mine right up to the end of my time.
Whoever you may be, please be mine right up to the end of my time.
I love you so, please don't let me go.
Please don't tell me our love is blind because you are always on my mind all the time.
I still feel your love on my body and mind.
It makes me feel so alive all the time.
I hope one day to become your bridge until the end of my time.
As long as you are my sweet Valentine.

Sunday 12th March 2000.
I burrow my head under my bed, having lovely thoughts going through my head.
When I think about you whoever you are, I dream I am lying close to you in my sleep.

Monday 13th March 2000. Verse two.
My darling I wish I knew what the future for you and I will bring.
I miss your tender love and kiss on your sweet tender lips.
Whoever you are, you are in my dreams.
You are a dream waiting to come true.

Tuesday 14th March 2000. I was studying a passage in a magazine on Coronation street. I had been answering on it when I was studying for my exams at the time.
The Pratt family had been having a lot of problems at the time. It started off with Gail's son Nick who broke up with his teenage wife and moved to Canada.  Gail's marriage was failing with Matan,  he had an affair with Rebecca Hopkins. It was thought that Sarah Louise had eating disorders but then she was pregnant.

My Journals and diaries new and old.

20.12.2013 Even Charlies Dickens inspired me for the kind of work he did. Now 20 years of writing I have seen the world move backwards in time. Slowly in danger of going back to Charlies Dickens time if the British government carries on the way it is. I guess the same for many other governments really if not all. I never thought I'd see  Britain going through hard times very slowly back to where it was. This isn't much at the moment because I guess there's worse to come.
I understand I may seem like a serious person I am when I need to be, when I am certained about peoples' lives in danger. Once it starts it's hard to see the future.
I don't have a problem with the foreigners been but we haven't got the money to over crowd Britain. Over the last few years this country has been in debt for many reasons not just one. I know the foreigners are good workers and a lot of our people don't want to work but not all of us don't want to.
 Mainly the banks and I think it's wrong creating loan shop when they know 9 out 10 people all or more won't have the money to pay them back.
I think we are softer now than what we were in Charles Dickens time. Don't get me wrong I am not into the government but these days they don't seem to be doing a lot positive. We are spending money we can't affrond and cutting back on the wrong things. In the end it's the vulnerable people who are suffering through a lot of their services cutting back so are other people.
In Wolverhampton example there's handy anything left of our City town centre, infact it's died since it's been a city, it was so much full of life when it was a town. For the last few years there's seemed to be a lot of shops and that closing down. Even the pubs and clubs are dead. In fact there's handy any clubs now.
It's very slowly getting toward Charlies Dickens time, as you walking the streets of Wolverhampton people are asking you for spare change. Now it's getting to a point you are very lucky if you have a roof over your head. On the other hand these people ask for spare change no one knows what their stories are to why they are on the streets in the first place so one can't say whether they are there through no fault of their own or not. Never the less those of us who have homes we have just about enough money to get by so it's hard for us to help others when we are finding it hard to help ourselves. Not all people I know but most beg money for drugs but many may have their reason behind that. Ok there's services to help these people but a lot of these services are finding hard to cope money plus it's hard to know how many people are trying to help themselves and how many are not.
I don't just plan to write about the state of society but subject as well. without been cure Britain is over crowded.
I was very inspired by old films as a teenager on the way people smartly dressed such as Clark Gable Rhett Butcher ' Gone With The Wind.' A lot of ideas for stories came from old films  I used to watch with my Grandmother when I was a child. My nan's favorite actor John Wayne as well as Clark Gable and many more.
I guess my work was very boring when I started twenty years ago but hopefully as I am getting more educated as I was then I hopefully it will get more interesting. It has always took me a long time to say what I want in a way others understand. Something that could be short comes out too long. Like an essay, you know what you want to say but it's getting it down on paper.
I have just been study my diary I wrote back in 2002, I wrote down my plans of the new year, which was my introduction of my diary. My new plans were to job hunt. I have always want to go into full time work and off benefits but with my disability the support has always been hard. I know writing isn't an easy career to get into.
2002 was a time I thought I was happily in love but instead I made a very big mistake in 2001 going back to Anthony.
I was looking out for my Grandmother she was becoming more and more unwell as years were leading up to her death the 30th June 2007.
 I stopped calling  ex boyfriend James back in 2002, which was running my phone bill up.
At that time I was using the Windows 95 software at college.
Playing cds and still watching videos.
Looking out for Eddie Dog and Stevie Bea.
My fits or and Anxiety attacks at that point were pretty bad.
I needed to give Anthony his space but couldn't because of my fits.
I was reading trying to get ideas for stories.
It's all come back to me that the snow was pretty bad back in 2002.
The sun was shining but it was very cold.
In those days I was going in the Flying Dutchman pub Warstones Wolverhampton.
The lounge wasn't too bad but the bar was pretty rough.
I drank there for two to three years.
Many people who drank in there died.
Two young men were murdered in so much time after one another as they were walking home I think.
So many years after the pub closed down it became a restaurant.
I tried to read 'Harry Potter'. from J.K Rowling but never really understood back 2002.
I was reading about the 4 th January 2002 When I planned my day. I was on work experience at the library cleaning and labeling the books. There was baby club on. I was also a student then like I am now.
I had a writer's block on the 9th January 2002, I wanted to write a fiction story but my mind was blank.
It was the day I was glad to see the snow go well on the 10th January was that.
I was writing about a character I had in mind her name was Alison Brown. Alison was around in the early 20th century. Her parents died of drinking problems.  Alison was an orphan as a child. As young woman she met her husband Fred Brown.They had ten children together. Fred was a miner who died down the pits. Alison earn her money sweeping the streets.

More about diaries

It was Friday 14th January 1994, when I wrote about moving back to Wolverhampton from Wales and Shropshire.  Not a lot had changed over the years since my childhood but I had been up and down to Wolverhampton over the years. Apart from going back to my roots, I came back to have a social because Wales and Shropshire has always been out in the sticks and it will always will be. Saying that now Wolverhampton is like a ghost town nothing to it anymore. I also looking forward to a better career. It was a start but not quite, even now twenty years later I am still working on it. I started college just before Christmas 1993, I was studying English because I knew I wanted to be a writer, which yet again I am still working on twenty years later but I had been on many places through schemes, which many didn't have anything to do with what I wanted to do.
Life was full of the unknown shocks and surprises. My weak spots were always romance. Every man I ever had I thought was better than the rest, when really they were all as bad as one another in different way but they had their good points too at least some anyway. I was still rather damaged after my realtionship break up with Steven Preen but I was very slowly getting over that. My mistake was I met and fell in with Anthony Shone six mouths later, which was far too quick, which never worked out but we had been fooling ourselves for 13 yrs on and off trying to make it work, which we shouldn't forced something that wasn't meant to be.
I live with my Aunty Vicci for a while my Mother was sorting me a house, then I lived with my Grandmother for a short while.
In the year 2000 Journal that my Mother bought me Christmas 1999. I hadn't written a diary or journal since 1993 I don't think. I made another mistake fulling in love with another young man named Ian Hutchinson about just 12 mouths after Anthony finished with me for another woman the first time,  I wrote a poem called ' I miss you forever more'. In thinking  as I did with many that he was the right person for me but he wasn't.
In this daily Journal I was saying that life is too short to waste. There's 100 years in a century : we will not be here in the next 100 years. I was saying I was hoping that this will be a Journal for the next generation : possibly our generation as well at least most of us anyway. The Journal diary was written about my life in the year 2000.  I said sooner or not later I will type it out, which is what I am starting to do. I am willing to make my work more interesting as time goes on.  This diary will be looked at as old in years to come but unknown whether it's easy to read or not like many old Journals generations before us. It's now the 22nd  December 2013 it will be soon 2014 so more diaries and Journals to come.
I don't know what I was thinking saying I don't want people to read my Journal util I have left the planet. I think I saw it as private information I was writing at the time, which a lot of that part of my life has gone now so it doesn't really matter to me anymore.
Who I thought as my first serious boyfriend Anthony went off with another woman about nearly 17 years ago when I was twenty - seven years of age. I became thirty October 24th 1999, although I had been starting to move on in my life, which I found hard getting over Anthony then but I feel nothing for him now.
'Handsome young man.'  was another poem of mine in this Journal, which showed I never really got over Anthony at that point even though I was with Ian. Little did I realize that Ian was just as bad.
My Daily Journal Millenium 2000. Saturday 1st January 2000. I said about the fireworks going off at 12,00am but then it has happened every year since : not before.
Saturday 8th January 2000, when a friend of my John Paul Howell died at the Good Shepherd Wolverhampton. He was found hanging in a wardrobe holding a coat hanger with a belt round his neck at 6.30pm. On 25th February 2000 was his 21st birthday. Sadly I was unknown to the reasons why he took his own life but this was much information and my friends were told at the time.    
  

.Diaries through varies years.

It was Saturday 25th December 1993, my Mother brought me a private diary with a key. I just wrote about the things that were going through my at the time. Nothing seemed to make sense as my pen found it hard to go in time to the things I was thinking in my mind. At the time of writing this diary, my Mother brought my sister Holly a dog named Eddie. He was a very different kind of bred meaning new rare bred at the time, He a small Polish Lowland sheep dog. He was like a white teddy bear. He would grab everything insight, run away and play with it, whatever it was.  Clothes off the clothes horse and teddy bears ripped to pieces,he was mad but lovely.
I took a look back at the 1993 diary, which was my first diary. It brought all back to me having that mini sewing machine another Christmas present off my Mother. I couldn't manage it very well due to the Dyspraxia in my hands which was unknown at the time.
I will be honest to say that I wasn't as educated then as I am now even though I thought I was. I was only twenty - three years of age I thought I knew it all but I knew nothing. The world was new, too big and wide to me although I didn't see it at the time. You realize you know nothing when you mistakes and full back on   your face, that's when you do learn the hard way but then you still know nothing at all.
I came out of school knowing nothing because of been a slow learning, it made think that there was nothing for me in life but then I have proved myself wrong but then no one knows everything what a boring world if we all did!
Even back Christmas 1993, I said people spend and make a lot of fuss and money for one day Christmas day. In my first diary I was trying to the fuss of Christmas cakes, mice pies Christmas dinner and etc that make me and many others like me fat.
I told you on the 26th December 1993, that I did some typing but I can't remember what I writing about, if I have still got that writing I would know it was or whether I dated it or not. I have written so much in 20 years but nothing really has been published about from a poem each published in eleven but then Poetry Now! the publishers ripped me off.
I learned how to knit at the age of 16, my hands couldn't grip the needles due to my unknown Dyspraxia still to this day I don't know whether I have got or not. I am not knitting as much now because my interest has become bigger in my writing, it surprising how much of my time is taking up with my writing, Advocacy, learning disability and mental health awareness training. I think at the time of writing this diary I was knitting a white jumper which I don't think ever got finished.
I polished the table and fire place. At about that time people stopped using coal fire, which they only used as fire places. Just by looking at them as a writer I thought about coal fires roaring as they are lit, which I tried very hard to think about ideas for stories which never came out successful. I have missed those warm Christmas feelings as a child when it came to coal fires. I started to realize 20 years ago I became an adult, things were changing for me, what was there about ten years before had gone.
I had been writing about facts and feelings. In all honestly back in those days I fell hopelessly in love with Steven Preen from Worcestershire, he seemed full of charm and he could  charm the water off a ducks back but there was also the evil side of him too, which I knew I had to get away from whether I loved him or not. At the time I was totally blind. He was always after other woman and he made himself to be the big I am but he wasn't. He said he'd got this and that but he hadn't. Yet when that relationship ended at the time felt like the end of the world. Six mouths later I realized it was for the best.
I started my autobiography back in February 1993 but didn't start this diary tell December of that year. Twenty years on I find it hard to work out whether I have finished or not. When I started it I was only twenty - three years old, I had people telling me I hadn't lived long enough to write. I looking back now at the age of forty - four I know they were right, which could explain why it's taking so long. There again what I could do is link the diaries I have write to my autobiography, if look out for those pieces of work on here. For someone as young as I was when I starting writing I had a lot on my mind at time yet there were times I had writer's blocks, used to drive me mad when I was in a mood to write. Now I have grown to accept because I have been through that many times over the years. Even after twenty years nothing has been published because with my disability the support is just hard to find, which is no different to other writers. I may even have except that I may not make not everyone does. Saying that some people are luckier than others. When I wrote which was then chapter ten in my autobiography, ' Living with Adults.' I forgot to write about the time my Mother and Aunty Vicci were watching the film ' Love Story' . I was eight years old at the time. I never understood why tears were running down their eyes as they were watching the film but they were laughing. I brought the toilet roll in, put it on the coffee table.

" Dry your eyes you silly pair!" They just laughed at me more than the film I think in the end. Even now I don't understand silly pair ha ha. I never took that much interest in the film to be truthful, which handy surprising I didn't understand my Mother and Aunty laughing and crying at the same time but then I was only eight years of age. In those days I was on tablets for fits.
I can't remember what number chapter it was. I have changed the number of chapter and titles a lot of the years in that autobiography. I wrote a chapter My Adult Life. Like I said about people telling me I was too young to write an autobiography because I hadn't hardy lived. What I wrote about was what I had done so far from when I left school at 16 until I was 23, you may well think when read it a fair bit but I added more over the years as I made those moves in my life.
On 30th December 1993, My old school friend Molly came down to my Aunties with her sons. Twenty years later she's on her death bed with month cancer, which is complicity heart breaking.
We spend a lot of time together as children. Sadly we did't see each other a lot over the  years during adult hood. I could be wrong but I think she mixed with a lot of people who got into drugs and that. When it comes to situations like this it can be very hard. It's so sad we can't turn back the clock. A lot of things we don't realize until it's too late. Back in Charlies Dickens time there was a lot of homeless people becoming hungry and ill during the 19th century. These people never know what was wrong with them and doctors never really knew what the right treatment was, which hasn't changed much today. With the cuts of the NHS and that I feel the world is slowly going back to where it was in the 19th century. Like Charlies Dickens I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. When I started writing back in February 1993 I watched the news at ten about the Council Care homes closing down, which strangely inspired me to write. I was recovering from cancer of the throat at my Grandmothers.
It was the 31st December 1994. New year and better started I thought I was in love with another young man Anthony Shone who I met on the 16th May 1994. To me he was my first serious love. The relationship was on and off for 13 and a half years. I guess I took on Anthony what I had been through with Steven but we we both to blame the damage of our relationship, which is a very long story.
I remember been inspired by Charles Dickens stories about the hard times people had in those times.  People who are worse off than myself yet it turned I was working for Mencap back  in 2007, which is a learning disability charity.  I was Group Advocacy worker and Learning Disability Awareness trainer for an Advocacy group called Our Shout. Due to the government cutting funding it folded in 2011, which was a heart breaking job to lose. Fro May 2011 to December 2011 I had nothing going for me other than my writing, I just went into deep depression during those mouths.