Back to poetry

 Water and wine.

Here I am drinking water and wine, everything is fine.

What I write either does or doesn't rhyme.

My mind is blank thinking about what to write most of the time.

No poems, no verses just words and lines.

Just trying to be one's self I have not let alone you cannot read my mind. 

I don't need to write a story, novel, or play just words, that come from the mind, which are not.

What are we thinking and why unknown to me as well as you.

Therefore I write one line at a time, even though it's rubbish coming out of my mind.

I may have always been out of my mind and still am.

Nothing to miss when I have gone. 

Nothing to lose nothing to gain.

It's okay it's just a load of rubbish of words coming out of my brain but none at all.

I am just no one and nothing to miss when I have gone.

I'm no one special I have no talent at all.

I have no thoughts at all but then I do, I just struggle to express those thoughts in the way others understand.

Writing words are just my way of managing myself, disability, my mental illness, problems, my life meaning the good things as well as the bad, happy, and the sad. 

There is nothing to miss I'm just human like you but if I'm known I wish to be known while I'm here not when I am gone. 

  Do not remember me when I have gone because no clocks can be turned to remember me while I am here. 

Whether the weather.

It is the start of 2022, New York started wet, damp pouring with heavy rain on the windowpane.

The lake was slightly overflowing as the deers were eating wet grass on the meadow hill. 

Suddenly the fog and mist appeared with no sign of a lake to be seen only an icing ring. 

Winter greyness appeared with the winter trees and grass everywhere.

Since then the snow has been on and off since Christmas eve. 

           

We must remember.

As sad as wars are we must remeber those who risked their lives for us, even if we never have will know them, we wouldn't have been here if it had'nt have been for them.

No matter when or what war etc, whether we knew them or not their lives were as important as ours, this could familes from today to those generations apart etc or and even friends etc.

The Civil war was 300 odd years ago, 1733 was the run up to the Civil war.

Sanvannah has a histroy of slaves, trees, fields, farms etc just like other parts of American such as North and Sourth Carolinia. 

The solar system

Not sure whether or not anyone has wrote poems about the solar system but what I write is not poems but words, snetcences, lines etc.

Earth is Mother of the world planet earth, we walk the walk of places, people,  animals, rivers, sea, lakes, different weathers and more.

The planet is a milky way of stars, mercury, mars, venus, earth, jupiter, saturn, uranus, nepture, pluto, the moon, the sun and maybe more, which all planets of the solar system, this our planet earth.

The good and bad of getting old.

The truth is that we are neither young or old, we are just human.

It's just that there comes a time we change and voices go more so over our head than they used whether we are happy with what's going on around us or not.

We are too tired to row with others as much as we used, if we feel emotional we don't show it to others as much as we used to.

We more so keep our thoughts to ourselves, which have learn from experinces, we have at last learned words can get us into trouble so therefore it is mostly better to handle life with thoughts although there are times we do need to speak up.

We are there but then we are not, we mostly don't always hear you, most things are better off not said. 

By all means speak yoourselves whether we answer or not, we may not be there but if you so wish talk away, it is best to get things off your chest.

Do not cry because we are not there or and if we are not there, we have diserppeared into thin air but then we are there just that there are most times you see things different to us.

Get use to it, we won't be here forever, make the most of us, neither will you.

You may not see it now but you will be saying the same if not simlair to others around you one day.

Your time will come one day your time, you don't know when neither does anyone else know but it will.

When you find yourself talking like this you know your getting old but it is not all bad in everything, no one knows everything that is impossible but you find your learning more and more, also thinking wiser and less seem to start bothering as they may do now.  

The main bad things are the aches and pains etc. 

I'm still not quite there but near enough, to have written this poem I have only found myself thinking about and seen members of my family to know what to except.

Born to be young. 

Getting old is hard to accept because when we are born we are born to be young.

Really in some ways life can be unfair, to carry on live to when your life should end, you face getting old, unwell, depending on others etc despite health fitness etc today comepare to  how things used to be , but if dieing young you leave others in disbear there is no winning.

Where there is a postive?

For most of us many positives take so long to come if not at all.

Take love for example most of us go through madness I did anyway of falling in love with those who didn't and don't love because if you face simliar or same as me, we were foolish to realize in our time that whoever didn't love us, even though they said they did, they were lieing to us, we just took our time to work that out.

In time most of us come across who that does truely love us in the way we love them and then grow old with them, one goes before or and after the other and even together, we can only hope we go together but that doesn't work out for everyone. The hardest is living without the other when you love them so much.  

I fell down but I got back up again.

I thought you hurt but it was just a long nightmare I had for many years.

In my mind today sorry to say you are not real I never knew you, you were only in my head.

My goodness at the time I thought I lost everything when I lost you, I loved the ground you walked on  at the time and I must have been so out of my mind, you abuseived my mind or should I say I thought you did.

As negative it most was, do not take this the wrong way, I don't want to be your lover and I don't want to be your friend no way how you hurt me or should I say I thought you did.

Of course notthing changes how I feel now.

I spend years going along with your feelings what wanted whether I liked it or not, all the same you knew I wasn't happy with the way you treated me but you didn't care.

All is not all negative out of this, at one time I would have said the positive thing were the happy times we have had but even that is blank and out my mind, who would have thought because like a fool back then my world was round you.

Despite that and it doesn't make me want you back in my life again so don't you dare think that it does but there is one favor you have done me out of this without realising it is what I went through with you created my talent for poetry but I don't waste every time I write a poem writing about now like I use to. 

I thought I couldn't live without you but I was so wrong, how you hurt me at the time foolish caused me to have a number of suisidal attemps, now I look at my life thinking what the hell was all this about?

I never thought I had the strenght to carry on now long gone I have realised I was stronger than I thought I was. 

You chewed me up, spat me out.

I fell down but I got back up again.

How I got through I don't know but I need no credit whatsoever, my stenght is my poetry.

I must have been so out of my mind to put up with your twisted mind all these years, you loved me then you didn't but you never did, you lied. 

The sooner I stopped feeling in love with you, which was not sooner enough you decided you still loved me.

The first time because I still loved you like a fool I took you back then seven years later you hurt me again, then the second time I stopped feeling in love with you then I was done without there was no going back and that is my word forever. As old as we are getting I am not living with your silly games again and again. I love again but he is not you, he and it never ever will be. 

I am still here, you haven't killed me with you mental pain, you thought you had.

Whether you have changed or not there's no going back.  

They say hate is a stonger word and in a lot of cases it is but sorry for what you put me through I find it so hard to even for you friend, if only I hadn't have loved you much when I was very young.

Love is so blind at the start you don't know at the time but that does not put me off loving again just not with you or others before you. 

what do you except?

Not whether or not I feel sorry or empathy for in a strange way.

Sorry but I have no idea how someone can go from feeling in love with someone then not in a matter of a short time, then keep having a change of feelings.

Maybe this is something you cannot help or is this purpose?

I don't know but all the time this is why I wanted out of your life in the end.

Not sure whether I was right or wrong not being your friends anyone but sorry I sure cannot be your lover anymore because you never sure you wanted to be mine. 

Whether you can help this or not you cannot someone to waiting around and go around your feelings, feel the same way as you each time you change etc.

Maybe you are living with same problem you were living with when I knew you but whether that is so or not I am not leaving the life I have now for you or anyone, besides you cared when you left me for someone else when we were young so why should care now and why should I? 

It doesn't and never did do me any good because you never knew what you wanted and I wouldn't be surprised if you still don't know what you want in life.

I will be honest to say it must be a sad state of afair to be you and I'm so glad to be out your life as I have been for the last ten years and I knew since 1994. 

Burnnight.

What am I doing in Amercian on Burnsnight?

Even though I am an English girl not a Scot girl, I love poetry.

Robbie Burn is one the greatest poets of all.

I only tried haggie once in my life but no chance tonight as I am in Amercian. 

All the same I write poetry, the sun is shiring and the snow is still on the ground.

I will be travellling back to the UK tomorrow and landing Friday morning.

When I started writing poetry as a young lass in my late twenties, Robbie Burns inspired me with his words laddie and lassie. 

Anixety and words.

Too easy to see the world as all black and white when it's not all dull.

Too easy for crisises to bring life to a stand still, feeling alone when we are not.

The future seems far away or not at all, too easy to wonder why we are here, thinking there is no reason when reason there is, the puzzle is just the not knowing the answer to life on this world.

Too easy to think we will face the world alone when it's not so but some how we do, we think we are not strong to take anymore but somehow we do despite of crisises we may face.

Young poet I were even though I wasn't they were just words I wrote and what inspired me first most was young what was in his time, John Keats I thank you so much for getting me out of a hard time even though you didn't help me in person but you help me to create my own work poetry and words, even though we are so many generations apart.

If only it was possible to help you in person but pen, paper and typing is the only way to be.

No one should judge you for what you went through losing Fanny the love of your life to another man thinking that you ended your life because of that, you didn't end your own life, you were unwell. 

It is too easy to think you ended your career as a doctor to your career as a poet because of Fanny, surely that wasn't necessary the case. 

Although, when losing happiness it is hard to see your happiness in the future, when we don't know what is to be, how long or short happiness will come back to us most likely in a different way.

The feelings of others matter too, life is not what we want to end although we may think so but it is our pain we want to end but it is not always necessary we will feel that way, we shouldn't judge what we don't know.  

  

 

Short Introduction to the American Civil war.

 American Civil war was more of a local war between themselves and other states due to slavery and how the economy was at the time. This started in 1861 and lasted till 1865. I am learning about it myself which is why I am giving a short introduction and adding a website at the end, which will know more than me.

 The reason for choosing this is topic is because during my time this time round in America I had spent a bit of time in South Carolina, which is pretty much places as there where the Civil was. Other places are such as North Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, savannah, and many more.

  This war affected many things such as farms, canals, roads, steamboats, railroads, banking, insurance; newspapers, books, magazines, and more, which had been happening from 1815 to 1861, I say the effect the economy, which I may be wrong to say but more like trying to improve the economy as unpleasant as wars are. 

There it is not an easy or nice one to explain as many lives were injured or lost like they are in all wars.  There again I admit what do I know and I won't be just adding a link to this site I will be reading it as well? Where I need to find out if it did do more good from harm or the other way round in the end. You most likely know more than I do.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Civil_War

Sadly the Civil war was the worst bloody war for the Americans apart from world war 1, 2, and mand more. There was more than 920'000 death, which completely distorted those left behind. https://www.history.com/topics/american-civil-war https://www.americanwars.org/ Abraham Lincoln was president of the United States at the time of the Civil war. The loss of lives etc wasn't nice but the civil war did end slavery when the war was over, I think it did, and says on www.amercianwars.org/ 

More about planets

 Since I started this website in 2007 it's not necessarily all about just or and all about what you can learn from me but also what I can learn from you. Even though it's mostly about disabilities, mental health, etc how the awareness can benefit those who face similar or and the same as me and those who support, care for them, etc apart from other topics too, which plants again what is what this post is going to be about. 

You may wonder why I have decided to write about planets at the moment. To be honest no reason at really and I am not excepting to achieve anything or any little out of it really. To be honest when I was traveling to South Carolina around about a week ago I was watching Space 1999 on my iPad, which used to be on the telly when I was a small child in the 1970s, I never really understood the program back then and I am just learning to how which I guess made me decide to want to research on the internet about different planets. Good or and the bad thing really due to my disabilities etc I am well behind as far that's concerned where most young children I learning about the planets on the earth I struggled to do so at that and are a bit clearer to me at the age of 52 than when I say 8 or however old I was when I should have learned time but then should there be any shame on time we learn anything? This I think is a hard one to answer. Anyway, right or wrongly I thought I would share the topic with you. 

Only that I have been aware pretty much the Covid crisis started I have written a lot about mental illness, which with facing it myself has always been concern how others to me cope and the fact of Covid for nearly two years in March has likely to have increased mental illness even more so, anyway more on planets because I have nowhere near covered everything. 

Venus. the hottest and 2nd planet on the solar system. The temperature of the venus planet is 880 F 471 C. Considering Mercury is a cold planet it is not the coldest planet Neptune is the coldest planet. Venus's atmosphere is very thick with carbon dioxide gas and the atmosphere traps heat. It feels like the furnace is on the surface. 

Venus is the Roman goddess of love. Aphrodite for the Geeks, it's not an inviting place.  Venus is responsible for active volcanoes, hot toxic, earthquakes, etc. 

We shouldn't be surprised that venus is the hottest planet, which is 9 C times stronger it is on earth.  It would seem like  900m 300Ft underwater. 96 percent of cordon dioxide, which is a never-ending water cycle of heat 1000 F day and night.https://www.space.com/16080-solar-system-planets.html#section-venus-earth-s-twin-in-the-solar-system

 I won't say a lot about Jupiter and Saturn other than a website for those of you who may be interested and a bit information reason for this is that Jupiter and Saturn are rather similar according to what I read in a lot of ways. https://www.thegreatcoursesdaily.com/saturn-and-jupiter-similarities-and-differences-of-two-giants/

Jupiter is the 5th planet in the solar system and Saturn is the 6th. Let's focus on Jupiter first. It has 778 million 5.2 AU thereabouts from the sun. 317 more so than earth and 2.5  larger than the other planets.

It is a gas giant with hydrogen, helium, and other gases. It has a very intense atmosphere in the solar system. 

It is possible that it is no more different either to Uranus when it comes to the wind speeds, it can reach about 100 m/s and possibly more. It is 142. 984km 88.846m thereabouts.

It takes roughly a year for Jupiter to equivalent 12 years earth, which only lasts 9 -8 hours.  Temperatures are about 148 degrees celsius. It has 79 moons and more waiting to be confirmed. It is second to Saturn when comes to satellites. 

Saturn. is the 6th planet on the solar system, which is another gas giant. 1.4 billion km / 886 million mi about 9.5 all way from the sun. It has 7 rings on it. 

82 king of moons confirms satellites. The atmosphere is made up of hydrogen, helium, and other gases.

120.500 km  74.900 mi thereabouts. It equivalent is to 30 years of earth roughy. Researchers say Saturn is a recognizable planet in the solar system it lasts about 10.7 hours. 

Rough temperatures are 178 degrees celsius. It is most likely the most known planet on the solar system.  

Just to say I won't be closing this subject but I will be going on to something else on this blog then coming back to when I have no idea myself but before I do I just want to write about the basics of the last two planets and maybe add some websites on here etc just in case anyone is interested. To be honest I am learning myself and sharing what I am finding out on here. 

Neptune is a very dark and cold planet, it is an ice and thin gas giant, that causes very strong winds. It is the 8th planet in the solar system. Neptune is responsible for jet streams and winds 1'500 miles per hour. it is far from the sun and further from pluto. The internal heat is weak meaning there is no heat or very little heat on Neptune. 

Uranus is another planet not close to the sun orbits where the sun is on its side with its axis, it spins near the stars. It is the 7th planet in the solar system. Neptune and Uranus are ice giants. This is because they are very big planets made up of hydrogen, and helium gas.  It has only been in the last few decades astronomers have called it the ice giant because the atmosphere is a mantle layer. Uranus is the Grandfather of Zeus, the greatest of all gods. The planet was first discovered by William Herschell in 1781. abyss.uoregon.edu/~js/ast121/lectures/lec20.html

Our planet

Many of us may or may not know already so sorry if I am telling you something already know. However, this study has been properly been going on centuries but like a lot of things, things change, get taken out, added on, etc where they get updated, etc. In today's world, we have had the internet for the last say twenty odd years and so many sites tell us different but maybe because of updates and takes time to update everything. 

I only say sorry and take a guess on what I am putting this study I cannot promise for all to be correct hopefully most are to what I research. Over the years it started off to be eight to nine planets and now to a few sites I have researched roughly 12 planets now. 

The planet and sun are made up of Mercury, Mars, Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, venus, earth,  the moon and pluto. The gallery is the solar system with the stars that connect to the earth and it's the solar system milky way around the sun. In the gallery is gravity star formation gas of clouds with the milky way.  https://www.bighistoryproject.com/chapters/2#intro

Mercury.

Mercury is near the sun but it is not a high temperate. It is the second planet on the solar system and the smallest planet on earth it is also very simliar if not the same as or and to earth.  

One site on the internet had said that they think we are likely to think that Mercury is the hottest plant because it is near the sun, which for many of us maybe the case the but it then says the sun belongs to venus, which many more us are likely to be aware of.

I read another search before the one I have just said about saying the same as all searches mercury being near the sun but tempertature not being very high, which made think that was why we get sunny and cold weather. It seems I was wrong. In this search mercury is responsible for hot and cold tempertature where there's in the day, which would be on mercury 10 times a day brighter the sun temperture 800 F and drops cold at night 300 F.

Mercury can be seen without an telescope but it was first studied by by gulieo Gelilie in the 17th century https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galileo_GalileiHere is information about Mars  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshttps://spaceplace.nasa.gov/weather-on-other-planets/en/

Later on Giovanni Zup in 1693 found different to venus and the moon. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giovanni_Battista_Zupihttps://abc17news.com/news/national-world/2021/05/27/mars-exploration-fast-facts

https://space-facts.com/mars/

Simliar to earth to Mars is a home but the home to the tallest mountain in the solar system whereas the earth is our home. Mars and the sun are roughy the same size as one another. Mar is named after the Roman god, it is a red planet, terrestrian planet with thin atmosphere and contains cardon dioxide accroding to what I have researched online.  Temperature wise there is not much difference between mar and mercury but mars is probely even colder to the point of winter temperture 32 F in the day. Mars can't cope with heat from the sun so night temperature is around 200 F. According to more internet research I have done there isn't enough to feed the water cycle like we have on earth. Mar and earth are rather simliar if not the same that they have roughy the same landmass. 

However' and yet Mars is the 4th planet given by the sun but the 2nd smallest planet on the solar system. Mar is bigger than mercury and is responsible for deserts, giant dust, stroms, winds, cold, atmosphere, dynamic, vocanoes, polar ice and more. 

Earth.

Earth is our home planet responsible for all living, items, objects etc too, everything

everyone around us everywhere, people, places etc. It is the only planet on the solar system with water liquard on the surface. It's the 3rd rock from the sun and the only planet with life. However' it is the 5th biggest planet in the solar system and is hign in density accroding what else I have researched. 

The earth is a rocky planet around the sun after mercury and venus. The distance from the sun brings on water liquard around the surface, which the earth is the only planet water is on. The atmosphere brings nitrgen and oxgen around the earth. This brings on water areas such as seas, lakes, rivers etc and land such as birds, ducks etc. The earth is covered with salt water from the sea. Earht's atmosphere is covered with nitogen and oxgen, venus, mars and cardon dioxide. 

The earth is a shinly blue marable which has and hasn't interested us in a sense some of us take interest but others don't. I know this is hard to understand mean most of us think we don't but we do without realising just by living our lives only we are not all aware of that, we have been ever since we first set foot on the earth. There's so much we can take for grandit without realising even those who are not interested how the planet works are involved without realizing by just living their lives. 

Earth is also is the planet on the solar system that has plate trectionics, which I will go into what they are as this report goes on. The crust of the earth has broken up into region known as tecttionics plates. Key words you could google such as magma interior of the earth. shere, earth, iron, oxgen silicon, earth surface covered with water 4.70 percent, the core of the earth, the earth rotating etc, which are parts of the earth. Composition of the earth, the crust, mantle, outercore and inner core.

The composite earth has layers such as on the outside is the rocky layer called the earth's crust, the mantle is covered by the outer and inner core. The planet is made up with elements 46, percent oxgen, 27.7 silcon, central of the core of earth consists elements, aluninun, 8 percent, 5 percent iron, and 3.6 caclum.

The age of the earth is 4.5 billion years old. 

Temperature of the earth is 61 F and 16 C. 

Also, time is a useful thing to look into such as 365 days of the year, leap year, calader etc. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time.

Earth only has one moon, earth is the biggest of four, terrestrial planets, besides mercury, venus and mars, terrestrial planet means hard rocky surface of the earth, compositive which is in the iron - core, surounded by the outer crust. 

What is around the earth gives the earth life and what that life is depends on us, which is totally different from all of us, it would be boring if we all thought the same but not everything in life we have a choice on and it's not always necessary we should on most things. There are so many different types of lives as we know, which are millions. 

Geography of earth.

There are seven big land masses that are called continents, Africa, Asia, North American, South American, Europe, Oceania, and Antartica. It has five major bodies of water called oreans natually meaning seas. Atlantic, Pacfic, Indian, Southren, and Arctic oreans. There are such highest points of sea level on earth as Mount Everest and lowest part Mariana Trench. 

 

Empowering us to move forward

Empowering is not a force it is a choice of those you may be helping at least it doesn't intend to be a force. Don't get me wrong there are times there are important things we need to do and don't want to do but that is not in everything. 

In terms of helping someone else compared to yourself you can suggest things but whether they go along with what you say or not is down to them. Not everyone is necessary but some may go on to things that you don't think about or and don't suggest, which is just as good if not better, achievement, etc even more so which is where they doing very well even more so when they are or and been feeling very negative in whatever way, whether there is the reason or not. In most cases for some if not for most people could be self-confidence, motivation, etc. 

Do not force them to do anything just for the case of doing your job, bit, etc. If they have no interest or they don't like something etc it is not helping them at all and it's not making them feel better or positive about themselves. Even what they like, what they enjoy, what they are good at etc isn't going to make them feel perfect but it should or and say will help them live with the way they feel or and even make them feel better than they have been. 

Over the last year or so not just due to the Covid crisis but the Covid crisis has not helped I have written a lot about Mental health and illness on this website. What I write I go by my experience of facing disabilities, mental illness, etc. I myself have had counseling, emotional support, etc, which has been a  huge help, it doesn't make me myself a professional therapist, counselor, emotional supporter, etc. Professions do amazing just jobs but not all live with the problems themselves, which I wouldn't wish or blame anyone it's just life.  All the same feeling and facing the same but similar to your clients makes a difference and also my intentions are not only to help my clients but hopefully help professions understand too.

Mental illness plays a big part for loads of reasons or no reason at all. Either way, Mental illness doesn't affect people the same way it's no excuse for everything, behaviors, etc but it is also a big part and doesn't help either. This makes it hard to know one what or the other unless until you get to know some and even then there isn't always no real knowing. What is hard nine times out of ten when counseling etc you only communicate with a client for so long like for eg; there are sessions only last six months etc unless say they can resign another six months etc. 

To bear in mind I guess in some rules of the law service etc there may be due to funding etc so many times you can allow a client to resign. Therefore in some cases, you may or may not get to know the people you are helping rather well. Mental illness can vary so much some behaviors can be worse than others where your safety and theirs matter so much. Some are dangerous to them, you or both but not all are necessary down to it but mental illness doesn't help, which is a hard one. Yes, by all means, your safety matters, and of course, you have the right to your concerns but I know is an easy thing to say and not everyone will be a danger to you, there are different extremes of danger and you shouldn't have to deal with any unnecessary. 'However' your managers and those over them etc should and have a responsibility for your safety as well as you.  

Just because most clients may refuse things it doesn't make it the fault of them or you, mental illness can have a huge effect on a person, which may be within the person themselves but they shouldn't be blamed for the way they feel. However' again your safety matters and you can only try to help them the best you can if they are refuse it's not down to you to wave any magic wands etc. It's your right to report any safety concerns for you or them to your manager. 

A word of advice for most fields of work is thinking about very carefully whether or not the field is for you or not and Mental health is one of them. Like all fields of work health and safety are involved, which is more so most fields more so than others. My advice is, to be honest with yourself and others meaning the clients and the people work with. Like I have ready said in this report mental illness is not an excuse for every way people behave but also mental illness doesn't help a person in all ways either. However,' mental illnesses isn't something those who face it chose it makes sense to why we have been misunderstood but mental illness can make most of us behave most of us wouldn't on purpose. however' as I said not everything is down to mental illness everyone has good and bad points in different ways which is why not everything should be excused but also the mental illness can be serious but not always, there are mild and major forms, etc.

 Sorry if I defend anyone but I have to say thinking carefully about if this field for you is important meaning in this, I have to be honest which is a hard one because I don't want to defend anyone but it's a little bit like saying if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. I feel guilty to say this because mental illness is hard but safety matters to everyone. Despite health and safety laws, rules, etc it is important for you to think about whether this career is for you or not. Even I feel guilty because I find to word things in a way I can make myself misunderstood without meaning to. What I am trying to do is see things from both sides of making everyone aware that mental illness can be a serious safety risk to one's self and others but everyone is a human being and there's good and bad in everyone, not everything is down to mental illness which is hard to know what is what, which seems a mind field when we except no one to judge us, cause sigma, etc but then when you know you face mental illness yourself it's just raising awareness to help others to put themselves in your shoes and others who face similar if not the same. 

The real point of this report is to raise awareness of how to deal with my mental illness as well as trying to help you help others, which may not always be very helpful sorry to say as everyone you come across is likely to be different. By doing this I will be raising awareness of some if not most of the ways I manage my mental illness. One is to try and help others similar if not the same as me. Secondly is try to focus on things I enjoy and like doing. 3rd raise as much awareness as possible. 

There are many reasons or no reason at all why we feel negative, we all feel negative at times but some of us feel negative more so than others whether it's sadness, anger, etc. It may not always be the case but it may be worth looking into finding out if you or someone you know faces being negative a lot. If so no one is alone and it's to be ashamed of it's just very concerning like I said it may not be the case, in some cases may be a phase that may pass. It's understandable if you or someone you know doesn't want to talk about or and you may just want to tell people you know trust etc or and may you trust no one etc, no voice is forced.  Magic wands cannot be promised but talking may help you manage how you feel, cannot promise to go away but talking to someone may help you deal with it in a positive way, which I know is easy for me to say but you don't have to go along everything they say, they just may suggest things, which may go by their way or and go by your positive ways your choice. 

Now my positive ways what is yours? I will be honest now what I going through depends on the way you look at positive, negative, or both. In most cases, one of the causes of why we feel negative is the weather, whether there can be many others cause too or no causes at all. I understand from my experience to even focusing on what we enjoy, like good at, etc is an effect for us. A little a bit like exercise if you haven't done for a long time, for example, focusing what you like, enjoy, good at starting with say 5 mins or and less, maybe building the time on it each day, etc or think of your own ways if or and when you can. Here is my way for example.

I love writing poetry, short stories, painting learning, raising awareness of disabilities, mental health, etc, mentoring, counseling, advocacy, etc.

Just this lately I have gone into a new study, which tries to understand how science, space, etc works which I never understood in school. However' it's not necessary space but our planet. You know how I said one of the cause to how we may feel in a negative if there's a lot cold bad weather etc, although the weather is part of how planet work it may not be just that. I will be researching and writing about this in my next post. bearing in mind this also includes the positive side as well such as the sun and good weather even probably the right feel of temperate etc.

Poems 2020 to 2022

 Behind the mask.

Smiles and laughs don't mean we are feeling completely happy, we are just trying to manage in life and we have no intentions of being fake either. 

Never judge anyone for feeling however they may feel, no one should feel ashamed or guilty but remember those around you have feelings too.

There are times most people find it hard to say how they feel without being misunderstood or and fearing they may take it out on others without meaning to.

However, we are all human no one is perfect not everything is down to Mental illness, etc but Mental illness, etc doesn't help us either. 

Never guess or and judge anything or and anyone you don't know.

The happiness you may see but underneath there may be a great of sadness, which is unknown unless one says but they shouldn't be forced to say either.

Want to end the pain, not life.

 We are what we are and who we are.

Life around us isn't necessarily the cause of the way we are feeling, in most of us the answers are unknown to ourselves even to why we may feel as we may do.

We just want the negative feeling to end and most of us struggle to know how to go about moving forward and positive, which may take a short, long time, or never. 

Ending life seems to the person feeling as they do like the only way out of ending how they feel and most of us can only see that way of dealing with it.

Never think we don't think of those left behind because we do.

Despite of counseling, therapy, emotional support, etc, there is even though most of us don't know who would find counseling, therapy, emotional support, etc is a challenge for them to look into let alone go for. 

I closed my eyes.

I closed my eyes last night at the end of the night, with no sign of sleep for hours after I turned off the light. 

The darks black clouds and shadows came over me underneath the sheets. 

Now living in fear as my black pen writes not able to keep up with the thinking of my mind.  

So many black shadows and clouds I see inside my closed eyes and racing mind. 

The mind is talking. 

Call me mad, call me insane but there should be no shame of thinking talking mind, many would say the first sign of madness but one shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

Many would say the monster mask inside and out the anxious mind. 

I hear voices in my mind that can either talk a long time or go completely blank a lot.

The voices tell me I am sad, bad, crazy, and mad, it takes me a long time to think otherwise.

If the world thinks the same as my mind, it is a challenge for me to stop my mind from thinking and even talking a lot. 

It's all in my mind so they may say, there's no way it will go away hay, hay-like the devil eating up inside. 

Who am I, who are you?

Who am I, I am nothing but just me.

No one else and nothing else but I am human not an item or an object.

What I write is words not poems every day, well not every day only when I have words in mind to write.

My mind cannot be thinking about death as I keep on telling my mind to shut up. 

It's just the negative that I feel inside but then let's look on the bright side new year has started and spring is yet to come. 

Bring on the green monkey that swings by its green leaves tree to tree eating his bananas.

 Depression no you don't beat me.

Depression you beat me but then you don't.

You are like water crying in my mind and there is no reason for you to make me feel this way.

You make me negative but then you don't I am not all black and white because of you, you are not making others think of me otherwise.

You make me feel empty, lonely inside but then you don't because there's no reason to.

You try to stop me from doing the things I want to do but then you don't because I won't let you stop me. 

I fight with under sleep and overeating because of you but somehow and in some way I get through. 

You make me feel hopeless and anxious but then you don't  I  get through. 

You are like a voice in my mind I battle through my mind twenty - four seven. 

Yes, you can get to me then you don't because poetry is my therapy. 

There's no one side.

Life is not all negative, it is positive too.

The dull grey rainy sky becomes the bright yellow sun, sand, and blue sea.

Happy new year to you all, drink until your heart is content but don't need to drink to write poetry.

one is neither right nor wrong in one's state of mind.

One is not necessary who and what you see, one can be so easily misunderstood.

Mixed up and scared of what may happen the unexcepted or and the unknown.

Like they see no other way of managing feelings other than ending one's life, where they find it hard to see the way forward and the bright side of life. 

Unknown thinking.

One feels alone finding it hard to see that they are not alone.

Aware of all night thinking random thoughts going through one's head, trying not to dread and trying not to feel as if you want to be dead. 

Trying to think positive is not easy when you feel so low.  

Struggling to sleep as you turn off the light, without meaning to you overthink or and even over worry, which is a panicky scary feeling.

Not everyone you like, love, etc you can always have in your life and trust forever, some people in time let us down. 

For most of us, it can be a struggle to get used to those who let down been out our lives but we learn we don't need them, which is we thought we knew them but we didn't but not everyone is the same. 

Don't give up.

Things won't go wrong all the while and things won't go right all the while.

Even when you are okay there could be struggles along the way, most things could even wait another day, what do you say?

Being unsuccessful doesn't make you a failure, most people may think you are but they are only talking about themselves, don't let them run you down.

Most people learn from their mistakes so will you.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

What seems so far away may be closer than you think.

Try not to give up the way forward sooner than it seems. 

Mental health speaks.

Fear is a worry,  fear is panic, fear is a scar. 

We tend to be afraid of what may happen and or afraid of the unknown. 

Those who try to control the world try to control our minds.

Death hurts those left behind as much as those who are feeling they are taking their own lives. 

Never judge those who say they feel as if they are feeling as they going to take their lives, they are not selfish, they don't want to end their lives, they want to end their sadness, anger, and pain.

They are struggling to find ways to cope.

Never force a voice to speak or not to speak, they will say what's on their mind they want, who they tell or and don't is their choice too. 

No one needs to be a counselor, therapist, ofter emotional support, etc, friends or and family can offer help too, etc. 

Poetry says

Poetry says nothing but words and sentences, which is the purpose of saying what is on the mind.

To say what one thinks of life around, how they feel, what they see etc.

The voice and thoughts that speak poetry.

December and Xmas have been and gone pointless money spent only for one day Xmas day, now a new year is here and spring is on its way.

January, February, winterly snowy months, and cold but spring and summer are yet to come.

The blue sky, bright yellow sun, the sand and sea on the beach. 

 

New year new start, interduction to new poems

As I have said in most posts Mental health and Mental illness are not all negative or should I say it doesn't need to be. However' Sorry if I have made myself misunderstood of course no one enjoys having Mental illness but those of us who live with it know it doesn't go away but there are ways of living in positive ways but to understand it's not easy for everyone who faces it as I face it myself. 

As you all know we have just faced Xmas, new year and for two years nearly three we have been living with the Covid Crisis which affects everyone one way or another. Easy said than done I know but let me be honest with you even the worldwide governments don't know what the future is of the Covid crisis whether it's going to go a long time, lifetime or what, which is no more different to living with Mental illness really so we cannot promise to make it go away. 

I know that's easy for me to say, which is why I say I know is a huge concern, health, safety worries about loss of lives, despite the vaccines, tests, masks, etc. It may not make us feel how we were before Covid but yes I know some, most of us are facing, worse, different than others, etc but it is worldwide. As you know no one can wave magic wands but try to bring as much positive as possible again I know it's easy to say because it doesn't help everyone but may help most of us not only live covid but even other things too apart from Mental illness. 

One thing I do understand though, it may not be something everyone is facing but I know I am not alone. Since November I have been in New York had an amazing time and going back to the UK at the end of January, all the same, you would think I would be completely sane I would think so as well but somehow no. 

Anyone who doesn't understand would think I am selfish, ungrateful, etc but it has nothing to do with what is going on in my life and I haven't been feeling all negative but pretty much so, it is the way I have been feeling inside as I said with Mental illness you can have negative feelings sad, angry, etc no matter how life treats you and that is no one's fault and neither yours. It is a huge struggle to flight and I shouldn't feel it, I am well-loved and have no reason to be upset with those around me I am just with myself or should have been. Despite of having thoughts of feeling I don't want to be on this earth anyone, I have been flighting it even before being in New York but those I know they don't deserve to be left behind.

How do I deal with it? Anyone who is feeling the same if not similar is likely to deal with it differently and those who are you are not alone even though it feels like. Don't get me wrong, it's not the same for everyone but the most common feeling this time of year and it may be in my case not sure (sad) season affective disorder, plus I have been struggling to sleep, Anxiety with my mind over-thinking, etc. Part of it could be struggling with adjusting to the time difference and I daresay I will face the other way round when I go back. to the Uk.

Without me realizing I at least to start with I have been managing my Mental illness for the last twenty-five years on and off with poetry when I had a mental breakdown over something that is nothing now but felt like everything at the time. What works for one person doesn't work for another. Before I started writing poetry I was receiving counseling, which was very new back then, and doesn't me wrong the person who was counseling me was completing amazing very helpful in the best way he could be but little I realized I was facing Mental abuse in the relationship had been in, it was only years later another great counselor told why I was taking so long to get better. Even now I wouldn't I am 100 percent over it but come a dam long way to what I was, hopefully, helps me to help others who are going through the same if not similar. 

It was hard to believe my thinking than to what my thinking is now, which is why I will never judge people in saying you will see it will get better even though most people will. Yes, I know that sounds concerning but just because of what I faced myself doesn't mean will work for everyone. I am not going to take guesses and lie to everyone even though all it is I could be wrong. Whichever way I am here for people I help however long they want me to be and anything I can't help with I find places and or people who can if the person I am trying to help wants me to. 

Now I would like to share my poems with you on this website, if you have read the website since I started writing it back in 2007, you will know my past poems are on there and even either you have only just started reading this website or you have only been so many years or however long or short your welcome to read my past and present new poem which I will be typing soon if you wish to. 

I will be honest to say there are negative and positive poems, fiction and non - fiction, mostly non - fiction. Many of my early poems which I wrote for many years are the causes of my mental breakdown and many poems as there are, are as long as I learned to live with what I faced. The new poems will be written on a new post. Also, I am hoping at some people of this year, I am hoping to get round to it rather soon on and off this month to next to reword many of my old poems. 

The reason is this although my mental breakdown really started twenty-six years ago, I didn't start to get any help till the early part twenty-five years ago but I could be working through the summer months, which was pretty much when I started writing poetry in 1997 that year.

The history and how it started.   Regardless of how the breakdown affected me, I was still somehow a twenty-seven-year-old disabled student studying my mock Engish in college. In the college library, I came across a John Keats poetry book, which inspired me because he happened to be facing similar things in his time as I was in mine. Believe it or not in school etc I struggled with taking things in, which made me anxious. I did have a fair few poems published but were cost and I would like to look into having at least most of my work published I don't expect to get it all done. However' I wrote my first poem when I was twenty-three, which again unexpected and I have forgotten the name of it, it is on this website and I will know which one it was when I see it lol. 

Again, that was an emotion but not really silly thing on my mind I needed to get over, which was a crush that at the time I didn't see as a crush over a guy I thought I was interested but he wasn't in me lol, silly I know I guess most us has gone through that in young years. I won't say who it was causing that wouldn't be fair but if you are reading this post and you remember it was you so sorry for firstly making a fool of you and myself. Secondly writing the poem that didn't tend to be, it only intended to be my way of accepting I couldn't my own way but turned out to be a poem.  If you know which one it is even if you don't I do, If you wish me to take it off, then just let me know it common box of this post and when I get to it I will search for this website to delete.