Back to poetry

 Water and wine.

Here I am drinking water and wine, everything is fine.

What I write either does or doesn't rhyme.

My mind is blank thinking about what to write most of the time.

No poems, no verses just words and lines.

Just trying to be one's self I have not let alone you cannot read my mind. 

I don't need to write a story, novel, or play just words, that come from the mind, which are not.

What are we thinking and why unknown to me as well as you.

Therefore I write one line at a time, even though it's rubbish coming out of my mind.

I may have always been out of my mind and still am.

Nothing to miss when I have gone. 

Nothing to lose nothing to gain.

It's okay it's just a load of rubbish of words coming out of my brain but none at all.

I am just no one and nothing to miss when I have gone.

I'm no one special I have no talent at all.

I have no thoughts at all but then I do, I just struggle to express those thoughts in the way others understand.

Writing words are just my way of managing myself, disability, my mental illness, problems, my life meaning the good things as well as the bad, happy, and the sad. 

There is nothing to miss I'm just human like you but if I'm known I wish to be known while I'm here not when I am gone. 

  Do not remember me when I have gone because no clocks can be turned to remember me while I am here. 

Whether the weather.

It is the start of 2022, New York started wet, damp pouring with heavy rain on the windowpane.

The lake was slightly overflowing as the deers were eating wet grass on the meadow hill. 

Suddenly the fog and mist appeared with no sign of a lake to be seen only an icing ring. 

Winter greyness appeared with the winter trees and grass everywhere.

Since then the snow has been on and off since Christmas eve. 

           

We must remember.

As sad as wars are we must remeber those who risked their lives for us, even if we never have will know them, we wouldn't have been here if it had'nt have been for them.

No matter when or what war etc, whether we knew them or not their lives were as important as ours, this could familes from today to those generations apart etc or and even friends etc.

The Civil war was 300 odd years ago, 1733 was the run up to the Civil war.

Sanvannah has a histroy of slaves, trees, fields, farms etc just like other parts of American such as North and Sourth Carolinia. 

The solar system

Not sure whether or not anyone has wrote poems about the solar system but what I write is not poems but words, snetcences, lines etc.

Earth is Mother of the world planet earth, we walk the walk of places, people,  animals, rivers, sea, lakes, different weathers and more.

The planet is a milky way of stars, mercury, mars, venus, earth, jupiter, saturn, uranus, nepture, pluto, the moon, the sun and maybe more, which all planets of the solar system, this our planet earth.

The good and bad of getting old.

The truth is that we are neither young or old, we are just human.

It's just that there comes a time we change and voices go more so over our head than they used whether we are happy with what's going on around us or not.

We are too tired to row with others as much as we used, if we feel emotional we don't show it to others as much as we used to.

We more so keep our thoughts to ourselves, which have learn from experinces, we have at last learned words can get us into trouble so therefore it is mostly better to handle life with thoughts although there are times we do need to speak up.

We are there but then we are not, we mostly don't always hear you, most things are better off not said. 

By all means speak yoourselves whether we answer or not, we may not be there but if you so wish talk away, it is best to get things off your chest.

Do not cry because we are not there or and if we are not there, we have diserppeared into thin air but then we are there just that there are most times you see things different to us.

Get use to it, we won't be here forever, make the most of us, neither will you.

You may not see it now but you will be saying the same if not simlair to others around you one day.

Your time will come one day your time, you don't know when neither does anyone else know but it will.

When you find yourself talking like this you know your getting old but it is not all bad in everything, no one knows everything that is impossible but you find your learning more and more, also thinking wiser and less seem to start bothering as they may do now.  

The main bad things are the aches and pains etc. 

I'm still not quite there but near enough, to have written this poem I have only found myself thinking about and seen members of my family to know what to except.

Born to be young. 

Getting old is hard to accept because when we are born we are born to be young.

Really in some ways life can be unfair, to carry on live to when your life should end, you face getting old, unwell, depending on others etc despite health fitness etc today comepare to  how things used to be , but if dieing young you leave others in disbear there is no winning.

Where there is a postive?

For most of us many positives take so long to come if not at all.

Take love for example most of us go through madness I did anyway of falling in love with those who didn't and don't love because if you face simliar or same as me, we were foolish to realize in our time that whoever didn't love us, even though they said they did, they were lieing to us, we just took our time to work that out.

In time most of us come across who that does truely love us in the way we love them and then grow old with them, one goes before or and after the other and even together, we can only hope we go together but that doesn't work out for everyone. The hardest is living without the other when you love them so much.  

I fell down but I got back up again.

I thought you hurt but it was just a long nightmare I had for many years.

In my mind today sorry to say you are not real I never knew you, you were only in my head.

My goodness at the time I thought I lost everything when I lost you, I loved the ground you walked on  at the time and I must have been so out of my mind, you abuseived my mind or should I say I thought you did.

As negative it most was, do not take this the wrong way, I don't want to be your lover and I don't want to be your friend no way how you hurt me or should I say I thought you did.

Of course notthing changes how I feel now.

I spend years going along with your feelings what wanted whether I liked it or not, all the same you knew I wasn't happy with the way you treated me but you didn't care.

All is not all negative out of this, at one time I would have said the positive thing were the happy times we have had but even that is blank and out my mind, who would have thought because like a fool back then my world was round you.

Despite that and it doesn't make me want you back in my life again so don't you dare think that it does but there is one favor you have done me out of this without realising it is what I went through with you created my talent for poetry but I don't waste every time I write a poem writing about now like I use to. 

I thought I couldn't live without you but I was so wrong, how you hurt me at the time foolish caused me to have a number of suisidal attemps, now I look at my life thinking what the hell was all this about?

I never thought I had the strenght to carry on now long gone I have realised I was stronger than I thought I was. 

You chewed me up, spat me out.

I fell down but I got back up again.

How I got through I don't know but I need no credit whatsoever, my stenght is my poetry.

I must have been so out of my mind to put up with your twisted mind all these years, you loved me then you didn't but you never did, you lied. 

The sooner I stopped feeling in love with you, which was not sooner enough you decided you still loved me.

The first time because I still loved you like a fool I took you back then seven years later you hurt me again, then the second time I stopped feeling in love with you then I was done without there was no going back and that is my word forever. As old as we are getting I am not living with your silly games again and again. I love again but he is not you, he and it never ever will be. 

I am still here, you haven't killed me with you mental pain, you thought you had.

Whether you have changed or not there's no going back.  

They say hate is a stonger word and in a lot of cases it is but sorry for what you put me through I find it so hard to even for you friend, if only I hadn't have loved you much when I was very young.

Love is so blind at the start you don't know at the time but that does not put me off loving again just not with you or others before you. 

what do you except?

Not whether or not I feel sorry or empathy for in a strange way.

Sorry but I have no idea how someone can go from feeling in love with someone then not in a matter of a short time, then keep having a change of feelings.

Maybe this is something you cannot help or is this purpose?

I don't know but all the time this is why I wanted out of your life in the end.

Not sure whether I was right or wrong not being your friends anyone but sorry I sure cannot be your lover anymore because you never sure you wanted to be mine. 

Whether you can help this or not you cannot someone to waiting around and go around your feelings, feel the same way as you each time you change etc.

Maybe you are living with same problem you were living with when I knew you but whether that is so or not I am not leaving the life I have now for you or anyone, besides you cared when you left me for someone else when we were young so why should care now and why should I? 

It doesn't and never did do me any good because you never knew what you wanted and I wouldn't be surprised if you still don't know what you want in life.

I will be honest to say it must be a sad state of afair to be you and I'm so glad to be out your life as I have been for the last ten years and I knew since 1994. 

Burnnight.

What am I doing in Amercian on Burnsnight?

Even though I am an English girl not a Scot girl, I love poetry.

Robbie Burn is one the greatest poets of all.

I only tried haggie once in my life but no chance tonight as I am in Amercian. 

All the same I write poetry, the sun is shiring and the snow is still on the ground.

I will be travellling back to the UK tomorrow and landing Friday morning.

When I started writing poetry as a young lass in my late twenties, Robbie Burns inspired me with his words laddie and lassie. 

Anixety and words.

Too easy to see the world as all black and white when it's not all dull.

Too easy for crisises to bring life to a stand still, feeling alone when we are not.

The future seems far away or not at all, too easy to wonder why we are here, thinking there is no reason when reason there is, the puzzle is just the not knowing the answer to life on this world.

Too easy to think we will face the world alone when it's not so but some how we do, we think we are not strong to take anymore but somehow we do despite of crisises we may face.

Young poet I were even though I wasn't they were just words I wrote and what inspired me first most was young what was in his time, John Keats I thank you so much for getting me out of a hard time even though you didn't help me in person but you help me to create my own work poetry and words, even though we are so many generations apart.

If only it was possible to help you in person but pen, paper and typing is the only way to be.

No one should judge you for what you went through losing Fanny the love of your life to another man thinking that you ended your life because of that, you didn't end your own life, you were unwell. 

It is too easy to think you ended your career as a doctor to your career as a poet because of Fanny, surely that wasn't necessary the case. 

Although, when losing happiness it is hard to see your happiness in the future, when we don't know what is to be, how long or short happiness will come back to us most likely in a different way.

The feelings of others matter too, life is not what we want to end although we may think so but it is our pain we want to end but it is not always necessary we will feel that way, we shouldn't judge what we don't know.