Summer at last

The unhappy winter has on far too long.
Summer is here at last but goes far too fast.
The trees were well covered with green leaves that are dark, light and bright green.
The birds are singing in the leaves and the eves. 1997 - 2000

Just a poem.

How do you write a poem?
In a poem you can write the words that you love.
You write the poem on paper then type it out to put in book.
What subject can you write poetry about?
You can write about friendship.
You can write about love.
You can write about the stars up, high, down and above.
You can write about anything you want and anything that comes to your mind.
Poetry is a shorter way to show your and people's feelings about life without writing a story.
A story book is lovely to read and look. 1997 - 2000

I'm your secret valentine.

Please be my secret valentine.
Wherever you are valentine please come come to my mind.
I want someone to love me for me me one day at the right time.
I have never meet anyone who truly wants to be mine.
I am always told that there's someone out there for someone at sometime.
I don't know if you are hard to find valentine.
Who is the valentine girl for you and who is the valentine boy for me?
Just you wait and see.
Come on valentine guess guess who I could be? Late 1996 - early 1997

I wrote this poem at almost the end of 1996 the start of 1997. when something told me I had to come to terms with me and Tony having broken up the first time. The next person in line did not turn out to be the right which did not surprise me.

My mind is all over the place.

There must be men out there as true as Antonio.
Where are these men to be?
Why can't I find a love who want me for me?
Why can't I love who I want to be with?
Why who I want be with will he be with me?
Why can't his feelings match mine?
Still life is not all about me. Written mid summer to Autumn 1997.

Please please make my day.

Please please make my day by coming back to me.
You have pleased me in a lot of ways before.
I hope I have pleased you before: whether you have or not I am pleased to be your girl.
You pleased for the kind of gentleman you were but what's happened to you now?
You will please me even more if you give me a surprise knocking at door.
I wish you will love me forever more.
Please write me a letter!
Please give me a call?
Please at least ask how I am?
This is too much for a woman to ask a man.
Why have you destroyed my heart and leave me so sad and blue?
You played into me because you knew I loved you and you know I still do.
It's so hard to believe what life would be without you, mainly when I am alone and you are with her.
If you don't want me, why can't you see sense and see someone better than her, it does not have to be me.
Why don't you try again my boy, your not good at picking women are you?
What have done wrong, other than finding it hard to fight the problems from my last lover before you?
Why do old relationships spoil it for new relationships?
Pain just takes ages to go.
OK I had one affair, you know he got me drank and got me where he wanted me.
Sorry that was a big mistake now you are making a bigger one.
Why do we keep on hurting one another more than loving one another?
Sorry I did not mean hurt I understand why you are getting your own back on me.
I did not mean to make you so sad and blue. Written 1997.


I never want to love again.

I never want to love again.
I just know if I love again I will get hurt again, it will make me worse again.
Who knows what I will do next, I don't know myself.
I don't want to live on this planet with loneliness, I have had enough of this life I do not want to live anymore.
This is the end of love and life, I have had too much pain to bare.
If I get hurt it will get worse I will go round the bend.
It's no good me living for someone I love who does not love me.
I don't know how to love more.
May be I should know I did not know how to love, I thought I knew how to love.
May be I will never ever know how to love, without falling in love too easy.
My heart does not feel and fear love, my heart feels and fears pain.
When I was a younger girl, my heart used to feel love, because I never knew or understood that love can end.
I am just frightened of feeling pain myself, I do not want to hurt another man and I don't want to get hurt myself. Written winter 1996 - 1997.

I treasure only one history love I had.

He is just a poor confused man who does not know what he wants in life.
He is a gentle, loving and caring gentleman.
He gave and took the best he could.
I am more grateful with what he had done for me in two and a half years.

He used to be a romantic wild red rose so now that's the best he goes.
Flowers on every birthday card he send me he chose.
He used to make me feel like the lady of his life.
I loved his smile that made my love for him worth while.
He used to be a very wise man.
He gave me so much love that I can't believe that anyone else could replace.
The love I had for him I treasure by my lonely heart.
I know life is life but I wish we were sharing love together in our hearts.

Now those days are over, my heart has to cope with happiness, laughter, joy sadness and tears.
Happy history is not forgotten to me, it's worth being alone until I can move on to love someone better, new and get rid of all the pain I am going through. Written 1997.



I think I am having a a breakdown.

I think I am having a nervous break down.
I feel like cracking up, I don't know what to do or where to turn.
I can't see what's a head of me.
Something or someone is pushing me over the edge.
What or and who could it be? 1997 - 2000

This was a time I was in a bad state of mind. I feel very guilty writing such a poem, it was a time I was cracking I had to do something to come terms with what I was going through at the time. Sorry I was feeling sorry for myself at that time. If there's anything I have learned now that life goes on after all. Nothing or and no one will take over my mind like that again.

Life.

Why is there a world?
Why are we ever born?
What is the world coming to?
Sooner we are born we are dead.
Life can hit you the face without a warning so make the most of it. 5.8.2002

Disability and work.

Why is society and the world is so confusing?
Why put people with disabilities down?
Why don't you give us a chance to live our lives how we want?
You would not like people telling you that you can't live your life how you want to.
Why don't you learn to understand people with disabilities, as much as you may learn you may not know as a non disabled person what it's like to have a disabilities.
Why don't you get people with disabilities a job if they want one, them support getting in the job!
We may well be slow but accept how we are then we will do a good job. 6.8.2002

Words that come to mind.

I dread the snow blocking the doors now winter is on it's way.
I look forward to seeing snow on the windows outside.
The winter comes to life with snow but not when it stops transport. 7.8.2002

My disability.

Like to have the chance to live my life without been put down and turned away from society, if I like many other people with disabilities are not accepted, why are we on this earth?
It hurts to hear the truth of what we don't want to hear but when we have too many people telling us difference things we get confused.
May be if I wait for people they will wait for me.
I am very willing to learn things.
When everyone is not thinking the same of what the rules of people with disabilities right it becomes very confusing.
Support should be given when that person wants it but otherwise help them speak their own minds.
All we need is time and support 12-18.8.2002

How did he write?

How did he read what he wrote?
He must have been a remarkable guy.
How did he write if he was blind?
See people with disabilities are creative, they can get jobs.
We all work in difference ways sense, feel, sight, smell, taste and touch or even all.
How did he know that he was writing what he wanted to write?
How did he get down on paper what was going on through his mind?
I guess he could not see pictures and he may not have got the support.
I guess there was not braille or any other support in the 1600s.
The 1600s was John Milton,s time, life must have been dark for him been blind.
It's hard for someone to understand who is blind.
Blind is not just blind in sight, dyslexia is a word blindness, Autism is a mind blindness.
People with all kinds of disabilities manage more than what people think, even though we are slower because of our disabilities that makes us a better than people who have not got anything to slow them down.
With not seeing you must worry that you are feeling and touching the wrong things.
How do you know if you are touching right people?
The answer only by voice.
It must be hurtful not to see what you have achieved.
I think a lot of people who are clever have disabilities.
The blind may have a lot of support now but not in John Milton,s time. 19.21.8.2002

Jonathan Swift 1667-1745.

He wrote about the ships sailing on the rough sea.
He must have been bought up into the world of sea.
The sails blowing in the wind.
He had epilepsy just like me.
I am so lucky to have tablets to cure my epilepsy.
There always a way of achieving things in life whether you have a disability, health problem or not.
You just need to get the help and support in what you want to do and show willing.
Years ago there were not any chances or support but a lot of frame people with disabilities achieved things at home because they knew society would not accept them but sadly their work was only seen after their death, society knew it was wrong then.
People knew they had things wrong with them back then but did not know what like we do today. 22,23.8.2002

Theses poems are from Christmas short story, ' THE OUTSIDE CHRISTMAS TREE.' Based times when Christmas used to be Christmas.

Christmas Eve.

It was twelve o, clock at Midnight.
The children were a sleep.
Father Christmas came down the chimney.
Good boys and girls get Christmas presents.
Can you hear the bells ringing?
I hope you are fast a sleep. 14.15.10.2002

Christmas Day.

Christmas day Merry and Sherry opened their presents three o, clock on a snowy Christmas morning.
The girls were half a sleep but too happy to carry on sleeping, they could not wait any longer.
" The presents are not under the Christmas tree, Merry?"
" Why not, where is the Christmas tree Sherry?"
" I think we have got up far too early, Merry."
For some reason Sherry picked up the maroon curtain and looked through the window.
" Look Merry, it's pure white snow out there and there's the Christmas tree."
" Don't be silly Sherry the Christmas can't be outside, Father Christmas may have taken it down thinking we are not a sleep."
" Look through the Window Merry!"
"So the Christmas tree is there Sherry, I must be seeing as I am dreaming."
" It's true, Merry."
" I know Sherry."
The girls opened some presents round the tree in the snow.
In those there were very little children had for Christmas but they were still happy with what they did have.
Merry and Sherry had oranges and nuts but the Christmas been outside was a present for them as it's self that's how happy they were.
There were very little presents the girls could open before Mummy and Daddy got but they still had oranges and nuts. 17.18.10.2002

This poem is from another short story of mine called ' IN THE DAYS ANIMALS COULD TALK.'

Burt the bird.

There was a black bird called Burt.
He sang in so many words.
He ate so many worms that were burned from his wife Mrs Wormy Bird.
It was surprising his throat was not red enough to be burned and hurt.
Mrs Bird would boil all the worms in a saucepan.
The worms would be as black as coal. 29.7.2002

EVERYDAY GOD BRINGS A NEW DAY.

When you wake up in the morning light.
The weather could be dull or bright.
The day could be good or bad even a mixer of good and bad.
Whatever kind of day we still have to face life, just can't hide away.
No matter how frightened we may be everyday can't stay the same, even though happiness what we like.
Life goes on, the longer you leave the worse it gets.
Whatever is good it's worth making it better but don't make it any worse if it's bad.
Nothing happens over night, it takes time and sometimes money.
I am not a church goer but I don't have a problem with people who go to church.
Everyone each to their own.
I believe when things are going wrong, where there's a will there's a way.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel one way or another.
Life goes on however it goes on but life is what you make it. 21-27.10.2002

To get along in life.

Keep your head up high to the ceiling and the sky.
Never tell a lie.
Be trustful towards people, then they may well be trusting back towards you.
Never let people walk all over you, never trust them if they do let you down and cross you.
Let what you want in life come to you.
It's easy us saying these things, it's doing or not doing these things because we all make mistakes and we tells lies if we say we don't make mistakes.
We do things that we regret at times, with most things there's no going back and starting again to put things how they should have been the first time.
Don't hurt people because they may turn to hate you.
Turn your back on people who hate you, you don't need them there are plenty of people who will like you if you try hard enough, there's good and bad in everything, just don't make the same mistake to push other people away.
Never hide away from the truth, even if your in the wrong.
You win some: you lose some.
Give the peace to the world then the world give peace back to you.
Be strong, let them go if they are going to go.
Never depend on people to be in your life forever.
You can't do everything by the book.
You can only do your best. 19-18.2.2003

The World.

Why war on top of crime, is it not unsafe enough?
Why war and crime at all?
Why should we live in fear of becoming victims?
It seems as if the whole world is coming to peace.
If things are how they are now, what will it be like for the next generation?
Wherever we are from, why can't we feel free in our country, instead of having to lock the door and instead having to live in fear of walking down the street?
Why do people have to hurt one another, what happen to the days if you did not like them you would not speak to them?
You would not even go near someone if you did not know them, let alone liking or disliking them, yet we were less frightened to speak to anyone back then.
Today no one knows anyone not even the people who live next door them, it's sad because people had more friends once they knew people next door to them and some people knew every person who lived in their street.
It should not matter who and what we are, we are all human beings and we all want peace.
War gives us more pain so does crime. 3-19.3.2003

Art.

Paints
Crayons
Felts
Coloring pencils
Paper
Board
Frames
Pictures
Art is full of feeling and life, it works like poetry, plays, novels and short stories.
Every picture tells a story. 2-19.3.2003

Childhood.

I was an Autistic child but only very mild.
I used to cry when the light was off at night.
I used to cry when I wet the bed at night.
I used to feel alone even though I was not alone.
I used to hear voices down stairs, I did not want to miss out on a thing. 27.5.2003

This is a poem about a point myself and Anthony were having one of many of our rough patches together, when we were both drink at Christmas time in 2003.


The next morning.

When I have been drinking too much at night, I feel as if the room is spinning round and round the next morning.
Never again, oh my head, I think I will go to bed to sleep it off.
Oh no I feel sick I must run to the toilet quick.
I must stop, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I don't drink as much as I used to drink.
I saw my boyfriend, now the college is off for the Christmas holidays.
He takes good care of me, he advised me to cut down on my drinking.
I normally only drink heavy Saturday nights, that's when I get carried away.
Life is far too short to waste.
I must eat to get over the hang over.
I must manage to get on with my life without putting at risk.
Have a good time, get drunk but don't kill yourself.
I am just a worried girlfriend. 29.12.2003

You may see some poems about another friend of a friends who sadly died.

Christmas time.

I think about being with you at Christmas.
I dream about you at night and think about you in the day.
Many times I wish I could walk through your door of heaven.
We would have had such a lovely time together.
I can just picture a roaring warm coal fire. 30.1.2003

Cruel world.

I know I am a Church of England.
Why did god, if there's such a man had to take you away from the world so early?
Why did you have to go before we met?
War has spoiled our life together that's never happened but has spoiled it forever.
No memory and no fun.
Not even one thing for you and me to look forward to.
No chance to see what I should have seen, still it was not to be.
Christmas, death days and birthdays upset me more.30.12.2003

I want to Link this poem to my story ' TALKING TO THE GRAVES.'

I must talk to you, even though I don't know if your real or not.

I might be here, you might be there but either of us could be anywhere.
Whatever happened nothing has changed for us, it never will.
I saw you looking at the newspaper, you had thick blond curly hair
I started to feel something for you as a person but I thought I may have to control it because you may have a wife.
I knew there was never going to be a you and me because you may be married or not for real.
To my surprise in my dreams you kissed, I could not believe my luck.
The hard thing was I was given a choose bet ween you and your twin brother who as well could be in heaven.
It was just a dream I had that turned into a nightmare, no one knows if you were a story or real that I will never know.
I was so much looking froward to seeing you, when you would have come home from war.
Whether you lived or died it was either a nightmare or a dream but not real.
I was looking forward making a fresh start.
At night, there are so many stars in the sky.
I really do believe that you and all good people in heaven are there. 30.12.2003

Think about!

Think about the good and the bad in today's world.
Drugs give people the worse grief of all in today's world.
Murders, rapes, mugging and many more say it all.
The greatest thing in the world is love and support to us all.
We can't have good news all the while but there's more bad news than good. 30.12.2003

Life.

Why do we moan?
What do we moan about?
Do we stop to think about people worse off than us because they don't moan.
The kind of people who don't have enough money to feed themselves and dress themselves.
People who have to sleep on hard floors.
No toys for children.
No magazines, make up and clothes for teenagers.
Why do they make out they are always happy yet they don't have anything at all.
30.12.2003

Animals.

Animals are loving to us if we are loving to them.
Not all people are kind to animals.
Some animals like some people can be frightened of strangers until they get to know them.
Some people can be frightened of people until they get to know them.
Some animals can be frightened of animals until they get to know them.
Anything can happen in animal and human nature.
In a lot of way animals are brighter than human beings.
Most of us find it hard to understand animals, may be animals understand us better than we understand them.
We are not clever to understand how animals talk but they can understand us when we talk.
If we hurt we can hurt back but animals can hurt people even harder if they hurt but you can't blame them.
At the end of the day animals know more what they want than human beings do.
Not all animals can stick up for themselves just like not all people can stick for their selves.
( Who will and can stick for animals been picked by human beings and other animals?)
Most people treat animals like soft toys rather than living animals.
( Why do pick on living things that can't fight back?)
We are frightened of something coming back to us.
We should not start it in the first place.
It come only comes back on us in the end, we have to accept that it services us right. 30.12.2003

Spiders.

Big black spiders.
Big black bodied spiders.
Eight black legs.
Spiders come rushing without you knowing.
Some of us love them.
Some of us hate them.
Most of us are scared of them.

Some of us have nightmares about spiders.
Most of us catch spiders in jars and keep them as pets.
I am not scared of them, I just don't like them mostly when they are there when you don't know they are there.
I don't like them around me.
What about you? 12-16.4.2004

Why am I unhappy.

I never seem to sleep well.
The boyfriend and I tend to be jumping down each others' throats.
My Mother is on my case, when she's here don't need but when she's not here I need help.
The Job centre not my case to get work but they don't want me to work because of my benefits.
I want to work though, I'd love to work but I get turned away because of my disability. 15-16.4.2004

Depression.

I can wake up and feel low in the mornings for no reason at all.
Sometimes I can feel as if I am going to cry but it does not always.
How strange is that?

Sometimes I start laughing but once I do I have a job to stop the same as crying or I can feels as if I am going to do either but I can't do neither.

I can feel sad for no reason yet I can feel happy for no reason. 19.4.2004

Life goes on.

The children play.
The teenagers dress up, grow up, have boyfriends, girlfriends.
Most adults become Mums, Dads, Grans, Granddads.
Going out and getting drunk.
Going to college and getting a job.

Getting old with a walking stick.
Look around the condor, life has gone.
Where has it gone?
Life and time has not gone anywhere.
What are we doing here in the first place?
Why are we here?
Who and what has bought us here?
Who knows?
Are we going to another world?
These are questions that can't be answered. 20-21.4.2004

Home for me

Home for me to bed for the night.
Home for me to feed my month, then out for the night.
Home for me to study.
Home for me to work on my computer.
How for me to draw, write poetry and short stories.22.4.2004

My nightmare.

To look in the mirror to see that I am old and gray.
To see every day of my life waste away.
To scream at seeing wrinkles on my face.
To grow old and moan like my Mother.
To turn not as good looking as I used to be.
I just want to be me, no change when I could be spending money on my health. 23.4.2004

Have I been sleeping: have I been dreaming?

I close my eyes, I hear a heavy storm.
Am I hearing, sleeping or and dreaming?
When I open my eyes, I don't feel as if I have been a sleep at all.
I can't sleep until the following night.
Some nights I feel as if I have no sleep.
Other nights I feel as if I have been to sleep forever. 26-27.4.2004

It's not easy to make myself understood.

I am not the person I appear to be.
Apart of me is me because I have to be even though of me is what I want to be.
There are things in life I have face that I don't want, If you love me you'd at least try and accept with me.

Like a lot of people I have not much money but I still have to have a life.
I hate depending on people to help me out a lot, mostly I like to do things myself.
You don't make it easy for me, it would be nice just to get a bit of support off you complaining about, without us fall out and without us been close to spiting up.
If you are going to be so silly to let the hard times of society slit us up, well you just can't love me enough.

I get so many strange looks off people because I have a boyfriend who can't seem to understand my tough situations.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so stop making a fool out of me!
I hate people saying you don't buy me a drink when you do.
Please don't let society and the people in it get to you, nothing should stop us from loving one another otherwise you don't love me at all.

A lot of people tend to think I beg money off people because I don't have much money myself, that not true I find a way to get through on my own somehow.

Jobs are hard to find for anyone but if you have a disability like myself, it's even harder.

If you have fits like myself and you live alone, your frightened of not waking up.
This is the life I have to face, either love me or don't love me but make up your mind either way!

They just things in life we can't chose to have, it's there whether we like it or not.
As human beings we don't have to everything we say and do.
Mainly the things we don't have a choice is with the government. 22-25.7.2004


What flowers do I like?

Roses
Daffodils
Daises
Bluebells
Buttercups 26.7.2004


Life is too short to waste.

Choose what you want out of life, when you get a choice.
Gap life with both hands, with a lot of things in this life you only get one chance.
Never mind the good and the bad, life is here to enjoy and make the most of however long or short it lasts.
Try not to get too stressed out with the bad things in life but enjoy the good. 29.7.2004 - 1.8.2004


Most of these poems are written to tell life as it is in the 21st century.


Christmas.

There would be no point of Christmas without children.
If we think about it there would be no children without Christmas.
Children don't like Christmas forever because children soon grow up and learn Christmas is not like it used to be when they were children.

In the terms of Christmas in the 21st century, Christmas cost more money than it did in the 20th century so it's not as much fun for today's children than it was for yesterday's children.
There again today's children have a lot more than yesterday's children.
For eg; even though I have a computer now, I did not have a computer as a child but I was still happy though.

There does not seem to be any white Christmases anymore, in fact I can't remember when the last white Christmas was sometime in the 20th century I guess.

Christmas is just a fairy tale, you spend your childhood thinking there is Father Christmas, then you soon find out truth when your nearly reaching adulthood. 30.12.2004

How I hate Sundays.

I hate Sundays because the days and nights are too short.
It's even worse on dark winter nights, when the days are short and the nights are long but I find Sunday short all day.

The buses either run every hour or every half an hour. 31.12.2004

In the mood to write.

I open up a page to write, then my mind goes blank.
There's either too much on my mind or nothing at all.
When I have a lot of my mind my pen writes with it, at the same time I don't find it very easy to take notice how it looks on paper.
My writing always seems to look very untidy, then I type it if I can make sense of what I have written in the first place.
I try to tidy my work up on paper after I have written it but I may support to do so because I don't always notice every mistakes, which is due to my dyslexia. 31.12.2004

Understanding people with Autism.

We are not always what we look like.
We are not always what we seem like.
We may the same the wrong things through misunderstanding without meaning to anyone or anything an harm.
We feel unhappy and cross when people get unhappy and cross us because of our disability and being understood.
Sometime we appear to be who and what we are not.
Sometimes we seem selfish but we don't mean to be.
We tend to feel down because of having to appear misunderstood it's does not make us feel as if we are having equal lives to non - disabled people.
Every person with a disability wants to teach people to understand, Autism is not only disability that get misunderstood lot's of people with difference disabilities get misunderstood.7.1.2005

The world today.

What are we we missing in the world?
We are not missing anything.
The good things in life are very few but the world is not all black and white.
Good and bad is however you look at life in each and every way.

Mobile phones.
Computers.
The internet on computers and mobile phone.

In some ways it may make life easy for you but in other ways it could make life hard for you.
The internet is good for searching for information, is that good for you or does it take the old fashioned ways of doing things?
Are we doing less things for ourselves than we used, may be we end up depending on computers too much?

Fro eg; the spell check puts our spelling mistakes right but do we remember how spell the right word it has shown us?
It shows that old fashioned spelling tests have gone out the window.
Mind you for years we used book dictionary, how many of us learned the word as we found the word?
How many of us try to work out a sum before going on the calculator?
If we are not careful could on computers so much that we won't be learning anything ourselves, well could be the next generation anyway.

The internet could save us going to the library but then put the libraries out of business.
It can be good to listen to our music and could save us a lot of money in cds and that.
Save us a lot of work with pens and paper, if you make a lot of mistakes clear the screen rather than wasting loads of paper and getting through load of pens.
Like I said it is not all good and not all bad, it can save and cause you to spend
a lot of money in many ways, mainly with all these down loads. 12.5.2005


The bad in today's life.

Today more lives turn into death through murders, rapes, muggings and many nasty things in the world today.
Illnesses are very few and in between hospitals have equipment and research they used to have.

Children are now hurting their parents and teachers.
Adults can get sent to jail if they stick for themselves.
I would not like to think of the world in the next generation because we will be having to let children do what they want to.
Thank god, I will never know how worse it's going to get.
If that is not true, is it true that dead people look down on us, if so what would they think about this generation now?

This does not mean to say there is not any good in the world today.
I just hope we are more opened minded to the world than what we were or are we too opened minded, who knows!
Sometimes too much said can take respect away : not enough said nothing gets heard or and done.
Years ago it was hush hush or no one knew a thing.
Children were seen not heard. 13.5.2005


The good about today's world.

It's good that we can use our voice and say how we feel about life.
It's also good that we can use our voice in private as well as public.
We really need to support one another more than we ever did before, may be we are aware of so much more.

People's problems have come a lot more out in the open than what they were, mainly when it comes to crime, relationship break ups and other things too.
There was a time when people never knew how to talk about these things because they were never taught how to.

You carried out pictures out in your minds not knowing how to talk about, whatever happened was either not talked about or it would take a long time to be said.
Most of the time it was never understood once it was said, depending what was said.
In the eyes of society no one knew anything, now no one knows no one because you don't know who you can trust with too much crime about.
If you spoke, you could not explain because you were seen not heard.

Doctors and nurses are more educated than they used to be or should be.
You can talk more open that you used to but we still have a long way to go.
Changing for good and bad will never stop.
We can go on forever on what's better and worse in today's world. 14.5.2005


Remember, never forget.

Never forget the hungry people in the 3rd world.
Why do we have to be reminded by reading newspapers and television?
Why can't we just remember these things in our minds, how selfish are we?
We spend too much time complaining and moaning about our own problems when there are people worse off than ourselves.
We have homes and money, these people have nothing.
They smile, we are as unhappy as if we have the whole world on top of us.
What is life all about? Who knows!
It all does not seem to make sense. 15.5.2005


Go for it!

If it's moves round in your hand, draw it paint it and write about it!
If you want to do something in life, then do it, never waist your own or anyoneles' time.
Tomorrow will never come unless you make it come.
Today is too long without doing anything at all.
There will be no looking back, you cannot make yesterday into today.

If it stays, draw it!
Draw it with a pencil.
Paint it with a paint brush.
That's the picture you get, that tells the tales and stories in words.

If you want to do something never waste time.
Tomorrow may never come, you sadly may well be gone.
There will be no looking back at time that has gone past.
So go for it now!
You will never know what's round the condor.
You only live once go for it!
You may live to hear the tale. 1.6.2005


Life.

There's nothing wrong with asking one's name.
What some people say and do can be difference things, including me.
We are young and stupid hoping to become older and wiser.
No I am wrong, I mean younger and wiser but it does not work that way.
The night is dark: the morning is light.
In time you will see that light at the end of the tunnel.
You can't always get what you want : good things can come to those who wait.
Never make a promise you can't keep, we are all to blame for that at some point in our lives. 11.6.2005

Breaking point problem at times.

Never take too much on that you can't cope with.
Never have nothing to do so your life won't be full filled.

There's no such word as psychology when the human brain is hard to understand.
There are no real answers to why we think like we do.
It's worse when the mind is confused and when the person does not know what to do.

If there are no heads, there are no brains.
Brain is not a word: it's just inside the mind of one's head.
It just gives one a message to tell them what to say.
As human beings, we are not clever, we just say what our brains tell us to say which normally a load of rubbish anyway. 12.6.2005


Silly sayings.

If you don't meet the light at the end of the tunnel, then climb the mountain but don't fall.
If happiness still does not go your way, built a brick wall brick by brick.
Built the wall starting from the bottom and work your way to the top.

Slowly you will get what your aiming for.
Another step is step by step.
Take one step to another until you get to the top.
Don't except it to happen over night, except to take as long as it takes. 13.6.2005


It's another world.

Make believe is fiction, make believe is not the truth.
Non - fiction is not make believe, non - fiction is the truth.
You don't get what you wish for but you can only hope for what you want.
You can't except what you want to come true.
It's better to create characters out of your head.
Base these characters on real life.
Places can be create out of real life or everything can be made up out of one's head. ( Make believe your in another world.) 14.6.2005


There were days of respect.

There were days when we had bonnie old in wide rain, tied up scarfs and turned in framed glasses.

These old ladies chatted at the bus stops, took up the seats of buses.
Many of them lived next door to one another as they used to talk to another over the fences.

These were times everyone know everyone: now through crime no one knows no one.

Not that there was not crime then but very little was found out.
There again you had to give people respect, even old ladies would gab you by your ears if you disrespected anyone.

They would walk you round and round until they found your family members.
If you were good though they would make you a cup of tea and a piece of cake.
If they didn't know you, they would give you a sweet or two.

No one took rudeness off anyone.
Everyone loved everyone and they would put them right when you did wrong because they wanted children to grow up to be nice and respectable adults. 15.6.2005


Difference worlds.

Whether they knew you or not, you could not get away with anything.
You could not be naughty or rude, very few children grew to be robbers or murderer.
Very few children grew up to harm people in any kind of dangerous ways.
What is wrong in the world today, the government has gone mad?
Everyone knows that change can happen in good and bad ways but our changes are in dangerous ways in the rules of our government.16.6.2005

You yourself.

You yourself are alone in the world.
People can tell you what they think of the way you live your life but only you can decide what you want out of life.

Only you can walk out the door, walk down the road and know where to go.
Only you can decide which direction to turn, decide what to do as well as where to go.
It's ups to you to do what's right for you. 17.6.2005

Where do we go?

Where is heaven if there is such a place?
Where do we go when we get there?
What do we see when we get there?
Why be born at all if we can't come back to earth?
What is it like to be in heaven?

Ok I know no one knows the answers to these questions: those questions do go through a lot of our minds.
A lot people say human beings come back as animals and even objects.
Animals could come back as human beings but objects never die because they are already still.

It's all unknown so who knows!
It's hard to say that anyone knows.

If we have these questions inside our heads, why were we born if our questions can't be answered?
Why is there a world?
More to the point why is there us? 18.6.2005


About me.

I can be a very serious person.
I can feel very sad.
I can be a cheerful person.
I can feel very happy.

I lack conditions in myself.
I might make you laugh without myself knowing it.
I might have a sense of humor without knowing I have.
I might click with a joke sometimes but sometimes I may not.
It may well take me a while to get a joke but I may not get it at all.

Sometimes I am more cheerful than other times but I do have the odd moody times.
It depends if I have a good or bad day, which is no more difference to most people. 19.6.2005


British weather.

One day rain, next day shine and another snow.
We do get days where we get four seasons in one day.
Whatever the weather, we never seem to be happy.
It's either too hot, too cold but rarely it's just right.
We can never win the weather game.
Today the seasons are never the same.
In Britain the weather can't make make up it's minds, may be it's like some British people.
Still it would be boring if things and people were all the same. 30.6.2005

Our world.

Today the world is strange.
In some ways we have big changes in our lives.
In other ways we have small changes in our lives.
Some things get better: other things get worse.
In other ways some things never change.
This could depend on when and what way life wants to be cruel and kind to us.
A lot of things are the way they are, we can't do anything about that.

Tonight the bus station is quiet in Wolverhampton, in fact too quiet not many people there.
There was a guy with a bold head smoking his cigarette and drinking a bottle of WKD.
When the bus came he ran up stairs as fast as he could so the bus driver did not see him with a bottle of booze in his hand.10.5.2005


To build a story.

To create a human being in it's own character.
This human character needs feelings.
There needs to be an event in a place with atmosphere around the character.
We need adjectives to our readers about our characters, places they go and live. 13.5.2005

This poem is from a teenage love story I wrote many years ago, which has never been know whether it's good enough or not, it's called 'THE BIRD WATCHER WHO SPIES'.

The bird watcher who spies.

Joanne and Dan met at High school in London in 1960.
Dan's friend Lee asked the teacher Mr Johns if he could do a bird project for home work.
Mr Johns did not see why could not do a bird project at the time.
Joanne and Dan met at Saint Jame's park on a Saturday afternoon at 2.00pm.
Lee found Joanne and Dan's private place in the park, without them looking he spied on them with his Dad's binoculars as Joanne was wearing a pink bikini.
Joanne went mad at Lee because he woke Dan up in the park.
On Monday morning , Mr Johns asked Lee for his home work.
Lee gave Mr Johns a piece of paper saying, Pink tit bird.
Mr Johns was not very happy with Lee wasting his time, the rest is in the story.
Mr Johns asked the whole class to look in their books for the Pink tit bird.
Joanne and Dan were very happy with Lee. 15.7.2005

Why are we ever born?

Why are we are born if we die anyway?
It just seems so unfair if we mostly on this planet to to stuffer every day unhappiness.

No one is saying life is all bad but there is more bad than good so then we question that future that can not be answered.

What can happen to lives of children?
How are children going to grow up?
A lot of people say parents are too blame when they can't keep an eye on children twenty - four hours a day.
No one can tell today who is a good or bad parents because you can't bring them up how the last generation was bough up anyway.
I have no answers to these questions to give.
The law creates crime, either children get hurt from crime or they create crime.

No one is saying that adults don't create crime but you knew of very few children creating crime years ago.
Thanks today's laws, parents won't get any thanks off their children.
What is the future for children?
No one knows and we all dread to think about.

Jobs are hard to find, lots of places closing down.
Education is hard to find with courses slowly cutting back too.
Young people having less things too do, this could make the crime grow.
This could be the future of today's children so what will it be like for tomorrow's children?
If I am wrong, I am sorry but I can't be right all the time. 15.7.2005

I went to bed with the clock as a child.

When I was a little girl, I went to bed with the clock.
I think I loved the clock more than my toys, even if I had the toy clock, I still learned to tell the time at three years old.

12 o, clock was two fingers up the centre of the clock.
40 to the hour was 8 to the hour.
Quarter to the hour was 9 to the hour.
10 past the hour was 2 to the hour.
Quarter past the hour was 15 to the hour.
20 past the hour was 4 past the hour.
25 past the hour was 5 past the hour.
30 past the hour was 6 past the hour.
35 past the hour was 7 past the hour
5 to the hour was 11 to the hour.

Even today I love the sound of the ticking clock.
I have a clock on my bedroom, living, kitchen and even on my mobile phone.
The only place there is not a clock is the bathroom but I don't take them to bed with me anymore.
Oh not forgetting my alarm clock when I get the right battery to help the clock wake me up. 16.7.2005

This poem is a message to society to accept people with disabilities as human beings and treat us equal to non - disabled people with the right support.


People with disabilities.

At one time people though people with disabilities were thick.
People though people with disabilities were mad and dangerous.
People though they could frightened people with disabilities because people with disabilities more than likely frightened non - disabled people more.

People with disabilities became strong in ourselves.
All what was wanted for us was the right support.
We now don't feel a lone but we don't want people to feel sorry for us.
There are people worse off than people with disabilities but some disabilities are worse than others.

At one time we were taught to see life in black and white because society did not know any other way.
Now that things have moved on a bit it's a little but not good enough we still have a long way to go which takes time and money.
It can never be a perfect world but it could get better. 17.7.2005


Disability people's ability.

Most of us can paint, others can draw or even do both as artists.
There are people with disabilities who can take pictures.
Some of us are writers in poets, playwright, short story tellers and writers.
There people with disabilities who are novelists.
There are even people with disabilities who can sing.
May be we are slower than other people at our jobs but we can do creative jobs with the right support.

A long time ago people with disabilities used to be disliked.
The reason for this is because the lives of people with disabilities are affected due to their disabilities.
Over the years society has discovered with the right support people with disabilities should get by just the same as people who are non - disabled.

It can be very hard when disabilities are not seen.
Only because a person and walk and talk, it does not mean that they have not got a disability.
It is really up to the people with disabilities to tell people they have disabilities.
People must learn to understand if people disabilities don't anything and you think something is wrong.

Have you ever thought that even now there are people that turn a blind at people with disabilities, people with disabilities may feel scared, embarrassed and even ashamed to say so?
How would you feel if you were us?
We should not be made to feel that way but in some cases of our lives society still see us as hard work and completely useless.

Why don't society look at the strong parts of people with disabilities and give us a chance to bring what comes easy to us to life!
Society should let us believe in ourselves as human beings.
They would not like if people were saying they could not do this, that and other. 18.7.2005

This a poem I think will link to the story 'TALKING TO THE GRAVES.'

Walking into a dark hole.

I walked through the dark tunnel, it was like a dark hole.
I was holding my torch, it was a very dusty atmosphere.
I couldn't hardy breathe, there was hardy any air.


I walked around, I don't I could see a thing even with the torch.
I fell over tins, bottles and goodness knows what else.
Somehow I managed to get hold of a rug, then put over me and slept in a load of dirt and dust from the mines.

When I woke up a I saw a man asleep, his face was covered in cuts and goodness knows what.
I felt guilty I must have been in a deep sleep.
Some must have really beat him.
At first he was thanking me for giving him water, then he was in this world of heaven. 23.7.2005

Unknown title.

I know I did not know you.
I am not sure you are real or inside my head.
You are a person waiting to come out of me, I am not sure you are real until I built you up to put in this story.
Are you interested in me, I am talking to you inside your grave.

You are a kind character in this story, you saved disabled people's lives in the Gulf war.
You are a hero who sadly lost your own life.
I had a dream about a character like you, from there having been working on a story.
I know I am prod of that you are my character hero even if you may not be real.

When your life was taken away from you, it still took my life away too even though I did not know you.
I may well be still here but I have nothing to look forward to without you.
What difference does it make with the whole world falling to pieces anyway?
There's risk of shooting in the world without war. 11.8.2005

' TALKING TO THE GRAVES'.

I wish.

I wish I could see your grave to see if you are the person I was told you are.
Your ghost may come to life if there is any such thing.
Would it not be magic if you came alive?
I wonder what and who you could be.

Could you be an animal, object or human being?

Would you stay back with us until you are a great old man?
You could be an old man looking like a young man?

Would it really matter as long as we see you in heaven or and earth one day forever?

What happened to you, if any thing did or are you not real? 12.8.2005


All change.

It does not seem like a long time ago but times have changed like they do.
We all know nothing stays the same.

Very little money kept a family going during in the first and second world war.
Children never had a lot but they were happy with what they had got.

The only sadness there was, was losing the people you loved in the war.
The main people were friends and family.

Children's toys did not cost a lot, we are greedy with money today.
Hide and seek did not cost anything.

Today takes a lot to keep children happy.
A lot of children do not seem to be happy with what they have got.
This generation has a lot to learn.
We do not know we are born. 16.8.2005


Talking to the Graves.

Are you laying down in your coffin?
Is your coffin lid opening?
Is it hot or cold in your coffin or can't you feel it?

Are you reading the news paper?
What did you look like in person, have you turned to skeletion?
Am I just dreaming?
If only I knew your life story, if only I could put you into a fiction story.

You must be up there with your skeletion friends talking about heaven and earth.
I know I can't see you : may be you are able to see me.
May be you were taken away from the earth too soon. 19.8.2005

The story ' Talking to the graves' still goes on.

How unkind life can be.

You should not be inside a coffin, under a grave stone.
You should be with me in the lovely sunshine.
We should in a romantic wood, just you and me.

We should be spending time together on a Sunny afternoon watching the birds sing.
You should not be in heaven, if you are I am too.
I may well be in this unhappy world but only without you.
There's hardy much happiness in the world today.
Now that I am in heaven with you, I know I will be missed by a lot of people on earth but that's just a dream.
I must be on earth because it is cold, there's no joys of spring just cold winter weather. 20.8.2005


Why keep it quiet.

There's still things we don't understand.
We can't let it go until we understand our own lives.
People think that we should know what's wrong.
Why do we both feel so down, things are going wrong yet we still love one another.
Why do you care about people think anyway?
Why do you let people get bet ween us.
I am sick and tire of people telling me that you are the wrong person for me, yet it could be true.
I can't help it if I am in love with you.
Yet you tell me that people say I am the wrong person for you, may be it could be true but so what about what people say?
I know people think we are out of our minds.
May be we are not right for one another but it's hard to control love. December2006

I never know what I want.

I never want to stay in but there are times I don't want to go out and do myself in with how I feel at the moment.
I get so depressed but don't ask me why.
I love been around people and I need something to keep my mind busy.
Like all of us I have good and bad days.
Today there are still too many bad things said about race.
This is society let's us down.
Too much crime in the world.
It's hard to believe happiness in today's world.
There's always been wars around as it is and still is today.
This is why the world depresses me more. December 2006

Why do I write sad poems.

Take me like a pinch of salt not too serious.
Poetry is just my way of writing about how I feel from day to day.
Some poems may be happy others may be sad.
I hope one day my poems will get better.
I hope one day I will be happy and not feeling like taking my own life.
I hope one day I will feel strong enough to leave the partner I am with now and love someone who is right for me and who loves me.
I hope to get work one day rather just be stuck where I am now, signing being on benefits is making me depressed and it's breaking me and my partner up but may be it would not be a bad thing.
I don't think black and white all the time, I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel some way and some how.
I have not got there yet but I know I will one day.
I have fallen down and got back up again before, I will do it again.
Life is not just about me.
I just wish I did not love the wrong mind you who is the right one? December 2006

In a difference world.

It would be lovely to see the angels.
It would be lovely to see the fairies.
Forget the witches may be remember the wizards.
Become the ghost of love. December 2006

Poor times.

Washing lines.
Children dressed in rags begging for money around street condors.
Rats wondering round getting wet in the pouring rain.
People living on bread and water.
Young boys as well as men working down the mines.
Young boys down the chimney sweeps.
Now what is the world coming to with unemployment? December 2006


Us

We met one another in our twenties.
We are both in our mid to late thirties now.
I know we have been together on and off.
Who would have thought that we would get back together?
Deep down I did hope but may be I am starting think it was the wrong thing to do.
One is a problem is that feeling called love.
Good, bad, wrong or right, feelings are hard to control.
I still love you now but I am sure you love me too. December 2006


You took my world away.

You left me crying every day and night.
At night I could not sleep.
When I looked through my window, sky was dull and gray without you.
My fears were that you'd never love me anymore.
I kept on hoping that you would love me again.
I was going to tell you that I forgive you for hurting me, how mad am I?
It took four years for us to get back together. December 2006


The days are long.

It does not matter what time I get up, the days still seem long.
I am sitting by my computer on the internet and writing poetry.
To me the time is click slowly.
Time never seems to end.
When I go to college, the day can take as long and short as it wants to.
When I am at home it feels like a prison cell until the evening time.
It's such a sense of freedom to get out and about, it stops me feeling sorry for myself.
It stops me doing and thinking silly things.
The mind is like a box that you can take the lid of see what's inside.
If it thinks something it should not, crack it like a nut.
It won't hurt, you are just taking control over your own feelings like I should with love.
You are just trying to get yourself to think right when you could either be silly or wrong. December 2006

Romance.

Lighten up my life with a candle light.
Send me flowers and give plenty of power.
Come with me, we will get in the shower for half an hour.
Please be sweet do not be sour.
I love you and you love me.
Is that not enough to see?
I kiss you and you kiss me.
Just may be we can be happy to be.December 2006


Everyday feelings.

Some days I could be in a hot mood.
Other days I could be in a cold mood.

Friday I felt tearful, Saturday I felt sad, anger and tears .

Sunday my feelings kept on changing from happy to sad, this happen all week long.
Tomorrow is just another day. December 2006

I wish I was a difference kind of person.

I wish I could be a writer but that could be wishful thinking.
I wish I could live with my boyfriend without losing my benefits but that could be wishful thinking.
Everyone hates paying tax but life goes on, without work there's no life at all.
Why should I be any special to anyone else but why should I be trapped to benefits?
All I wish for is a peaceful life, then I wish to die old, otherwise I wish to die young if life is not worth living.
Other than a flat I have a good education but what's the point of that if there's no job in the end.
Oh I just want to work part time even if it's a little bit of pocket money.
Depression has or is taking over my life. December 2006

Where am I going?

It seems like a very long walk.
It's so dark, it seems very far away.
What will I see when I get to the end?
I am so scared, I just want to stop dead.
Will I stay standing up or will I full down?
There's no saying when and where it will end if it ever will.
Will I break or mend?
I will still love you, can't you see that?
Just tell me if you want to be free.
I will live in sadness if I have to.
May be I will be happy and one day I may not love you anymore.
There's happiness and unhappiness but not everyone is lucky enough to love until death. December 2006


How long?

How long and high is it to get to the sky?
When I get to the sky I will fly when I die.
I will like a butterfly and bird in the sky.
I will fly like an angel with wings then lye.
I will fly like a fairy with wings then cry. December 2006


Please never change.

I love you because you are you to me.
I hope that's the way to be.
I hope this will never change for you and me. December 2006


On my own.

I am in my flat.
The clock is clicking slowly.
I can't wait to walk out the door.

I will soon be with my boyfriend or and my best friend.

Come home at night, I am back looking at the four walls.
I stop up listening to my music and I put my computer on then time for bed.
The same stars again tomorrow.December 2006


Love.

What is love all about?
Look for it you can't find it.
Don't look for it, it's right there.
Once you feel love for someone and they do for you, it's hard to control.
It can go wrong and end in tears but still hard to control.
It can take long time to move on and love someone else.
You have to dust yourself up and start all over again.
It can become a risk loving, it can be very much be about trust.
You just take chances if it does not work keep moving on what will be will be.
Whatever good chance you get take it, those good chances don't have often. December 2006


For life to be worth living.

Forget the rain and the clouds.
Forget the frost, fog, sleet and snow.
What about the green grass covered in daffodils?
What about a few green leaves on the trees?
What about being warm instead of cold?
What about the bright yellow sun in the deep blue sky?
If that was the case, may be we will be less depressed.
When Christmas is here life is a mess and come January, many people are in debt.
That's when life is not at it's best. December 2006

Say goodbye to life.

I say good bye to the bad things in life.
Take the easy way out, go to heaven.
I say hello to the good things in life, leave earth.
What here for us all?
Nothing but bad news.
Too much crime and the list goes on.
Too many companies closing down, there's nothing for young people anymore.
I find it hard to see the good life.
Other than my boyfriend's friends, family and education that's my life.
Society is depressing but may be there is a way forward one day. December 2006

I don't think I have anything to get upset about.

Some how I feel low but I wish I knew the reason why.
I also feel very upset and angry.
I feel as if I don't want to live anymore.
I might be just depressed.
Whatever it is I will find a way to get over it but I am not sure how to other than writing poetry.
I feel as if I want to disappear into another world.
I just want to die and never come back.
I don't want help.
I just want to cope on my own.
I wish I could be happy again.
It's hard to see what will happen next. December 2006


How do we explain?

People say it's all in our minds.
We should snap out of it.
We would if we were not be feeling like we do.
Yes I have a reason to give, the world, government and society.
There have many times I felt low for no reason, that's the same for other people too.
I have cried not knowing I have been crying for.
In the end I have felt foolish and guilty but then when tears catch your eyes that's what you can't control. December 2006

Why do I feel?

Why do I feel I don't want to eat a lot?
Why do I feel as if I don't want to go to bed?
Why do I wake up just any time when I do sleep.
I have no job and not much money and no where to go other to see the man I love.
If I can just about get some kind of work and a little pay, I'd be ok.
I am still on earth, I don't think I will be happy until the day I die.
I want die young and in peace. December 2006

What's the matter with me?

I feel ashamed that I feel sad.
I think I have got more in life than I know about.
I have a boyfriend, family and friends.
I have a good education, I am not bullied like I was in school.
I know life does not live around me but most teenagers and people in their twenties don't have respect these days.
Manners have gone through the window.
People are getting off buses pushing into people.
No one seems to be polite anymore.
The government has given us far too many rules to cope with.
The only thing with my life is being disabled and wanting a job. December 2006

I wish there was a way to disappear.

When I am walking outside I wish there were some magic powers to make me disappear up in heaven if there is any such name and place.
Please take me away from this depressing earth?
I would have wings on my arms and flippers on my feet, then up and away I would go.
What will be there for me? who knows?
I want to run away and hide from the world
I want to say goodbye to earth.
I want to run away from the same old things everyday.
Find a place to hide and die.
If I carry on living in this world I won't be happy because it is depressing towards everyone. December 2006.

It drives me mad.

I look at the tall block of flats, I picture myself flying in the air.
If I am inside a high rise flat, the ground seems a long way down.
If I am waiting up stairs on the bus as the bus moves, I keep think I am going to fall down.
I don't know why I think I am falling down as I am going up.
The end of my life seems so far away, how much longer do I have to stay, I can't stand the pain as longer?
When I am going down, I know if I fall, I won't fall up, I will fall down. December 2006
December 2006

When I feel down.

When I feel down, I can't be bothered with anything at all.
Whether there is something the matter with me or not.
I just want to get away from the four walls.
The end of my life seems so far away, how much longer do I have to stay?
I want to live to be old but only when I feel happy again. December 2006


Winter time.

Look at the cold, dull and gray skies that depresses us more!
When the day turns to night gray turns to black.
When I go out it's a long way to walk through those block of flats to the bus stop.
Those flats seem a long way when it's dark when I come back home at night.
There are very few street lights as you walk through the dark alleys where you turn right.December 2006

It feels as if it's there for life.

Everyone has good and bad days.
We all can feel down in the dumps at anytime.
We can feel happy anytime but at the moment I am feeling up and down through the day like most people with depression.
A lot of people would say it's all in people's head but you only have to have kind of tragedy and we are out of our minds.
I don't think people are surprised by that because stress kills more than thousands in the world. December 2006

Where do I go next?

The shy is blue and the sun is yellow.
Sand is yellow and the sea is blue too.
I will feel the air coming down to feet as the tide pushes me in the sea.
I will see angels under my feet as I fly like a bird.
I will haunt earth as an angel, I will keep earth safe. December 2006.

It won't be: it will be.

It won't be fires.
It won't be knives.
It will be tablets, pills and water.
When I get up there, I will be a fairy with lots of frills. December 2006.

I would love.

You just don't show love towards me anymore.
Never mind I get paid tomorrow as you seem to want to rid of me.
I may have enough money to buy myself a beer tomorrow night.
I hope to get a job next year and may be a bit of cash one day. December 2006.

If I end my time.

I don't like heights.
I don't like knives.
I like water but not tablets or pill but less painful way to die.
I don't mind what happens to my body as long as I am in peace not pain. December 2006.




It's so easy to take it out on other people.

Something without ever knowing, you snap and hurt someone's feelings.
You know afterward you feel bad about what you have said and done.
You just want to break down and cry.
You don't want to live you want to die.
The guilt cuts you up like a knife.
I am just going out of my mind. December 2006

It's too much.

There is nowhere to run and hide from my feelings of love.
Life is hard work for us all at times.
Don't ask me why that is because I don't know.
Sometimes I feel down for silly reasons.
There was a time people thought you were mad if you were down for no reason, I have lived in those time.
Even on happy days I can hide the sadness yet on sad days I can't.
You want to put things behind yourself but in most of us it's hard to do.
I mainly get depressed when I worry about thing which could be silly things.
I know what a lot of people would say is worrying gives you an early grave, may be that's what is happening to me because I can't help the way I am.
When that happens I act as if it's the end of the world, I have always been like it's part of my disability I was told.December 2006


I want to leave earth before I am 40.

I hate the thought of having curly gray hair, walking stick and frame.
I don't want to line up for my pension money, I want to be gone long before I get to that age.
I don't want to end up in a old people's home I sooner be gone well before then.
I want to leave the world as young as possible.
The thought of going through the change scars me. December 2006

Why?

Why, if life can't be that bad why does it feel that way?
When you feel down, it does not always happen with a reason.
I keep wanting to close myself up so I don't depress people even though I am but I find it hard to control.
Writing poetry is the only thing that's keeping me going so don't take what I say too much to heart, take it like a pinch of salt.
I can understand that I not get or any of you reading this work but I need to get these things off my chest which is hard to do without putting on people.
I am sorry, I will just say nothing one day so people don't know.
I don't feel the same person as I was before. December 2006.


Crying and tears.

What has causes a lot of us to cry for no reason?
Who know why?
I don't know myself so no one has to know the answer to that question.
Why do a lot of us get down for no reason?
That's no one's guess.
Why do we feel it's the end of the world?
Why cry over silly things?
What is life really about?
Goodness knows.
How can some people just sail through life yet others just crack up?
I think if you believe your a strong person then you take life as it comes.
I think I am stronger than I think but I think I am strong enough to think I am strong.
Yet for some reason I am one of the worse worriers.
Whether something is on my mind or not, if I feel tears it comes out.
I just feel silly.
Should I feel silly or not?
That's another question hard to answer. December 2006


I want to get out of here.

May be no one knows how I feel.
I feel like walking away from Wolverhampton before my life ends.
I feel moody and depressed.
I feel I can't wait to get out of here.
I don't want to travel the world, I want to get out of it.
I don't know how to feel good anymore, I don't think I ever did.
I don't want help, I just want to leave the earth, I will never be happy until I do.
I don't know the first thing to do to change my mind about how I feel.
I only wish I did not feel this way.
I just feel so confused as if the world is too much for me. December 2006


One day everything will come to an end.

We all hate sadness but we all like the truth.
There are times that sad things are the truth and it hurts.
Humans and animals live and die.
Flowers and plants die.
Nothing lasts forever so why are we here in the first place?
We all go through happiness as well as sadness.
How confusing the reasons are for us being on earth in the first place.
It can't be anymore confusing than it already is but how boring it would be if it just worked one way.
You just can't have it good all the time.
You just can't have it bad all the time.
It all ends in the end.
All good things come to an end. December 2006

Drinking.

Drink can cause people to break down relationships.
Drink can cause family break downs.
Death can drive people to drink.
Drunk drivers are danger to themselves and other people.
Drink can drive people to death whether they drink heavy or not.

My world was empty without you so I wanted to leave the world without you.
I couldn't stand anymore, I tried to leave the world before.
I did not feel strong enough to cope with the pain so here I go again.
I almost drank myself to death.
I ate less and less and I became light headed.

I still forgive you but I don't forget what happened, that's only because I love you.
I understand the past is the past but I can't but talk about every now and then because you hurt me very badly.
I am willing to put behind now but you will have no more chances if you hurt me again. December 2006


What is life like now.

I am sitting in my living room looking through my window, the sky is half blue and half white.
It's an early Monday afternoon but it is a Bank holiday that does not feel like a Bank holiday.
There's hardy anyone about outside.
How strange is that?
You may say why don't you get out?
I will tonight.
I have hardy any money to spend.
I am not asking for the world but it would be nice to have a little bit more money in my pocket.
Jobs are not easy to find these days.
There are far too many people unemployed, which causes people to go through depression.
No spaces, not enough exams, too many exams, not enough training, too much training, age, disability, place closing down and many more reasons. December 2006

I can't see.

I can't see any further than my nose.
I think it's a big long road.
I can't take that big long road, it's far too far for me to walk to see what is there.
I am just scared what will happen when I get there.
I want to get of here before I get there, I can't see myself getting to the end of the road.

so high, when I look up I feel as if I want to fly.
Yet I would be too scared to fly going up high.
I don't know if I would feel strong enough to come back down again.
I don't like the thought of going up high unless I am in an plane.
I don't like seeing thought.

I don't know what I will see when I get there.
Will I go left, right or straight on?
I don't know where to turn.
I am too scared to try so I want to cruel into a hole to die.

The sky seems high rise flats by where I live.
I keep thinking that someone is going to fall out of them.
I keep thinking that they are all going to fall down. December 2006


A lot of people say.

A lot of people find and see poetry boring.
Poetry is only boring if the poet makes it boring.
Mind you I feel bad to say that I have a over loaded mind and it just gets down on paper.

A lot of us poets may write words of sadness but words of truth.
I write words of happiness and sadness.
Most words of happiness is the truth but very little.
When it comes to that it makes us wonder why we are here in the first place.
Most poets, people who write plays, People who write novels and other writers find it hard to let their feeling out in any other way other than write.
Writing is not always easy to put into words but then people can't answer you back.

It does not mean you can't be a writer if you find words hard to write on paper, just say what's going through your mind and write it.
Writing is from the mind not art.
Everyone has a book in them because we live life.
As long as you have research to work on when you have a writer's block.
If your mind is full ideas, write them down.
You can keep at it until you get there, I am still working on it now.
I have been writing for 13 years.

Some people express themselves in painting and drawing, which I do sometimes, that's art. December 2006

The great thing about poetry.

The great thing about poetry is that you can say what you mean.
You can also say what you don't mean as long as you tell your readers you don't mean it.
Mostly you can cay how you feel.
Poets should make things understood so readers can read bet ween the lines what the poets say and mean.

Sometimes somethings are hard to think about when it comes to thinking about a subject.
Think about what to write : what not to write.
Learn off other poets but not too much, be yourself because we all live so we have a book inside ourselves. December 2006.

I don't want to leave you.

You are not the problem, it's me.
I only feel better when I am with you.
You might be the only one keeping me going but I don't feel I can.
The world seems big and larger than life to me, it all seems so far away.
I still have so long to live it scars me.
I don't like it this way, the fear of having walking sticks and frames.December 2006

There are good times and bad.

Today I don't feel too bad.
Tomorrow I may feel down.
Sorry, I must say I will never know.
The good thing is that I am eating a meal, I can smell cottage pie and veg.
When I am low, I don't eat that much.
It makes a big difference when I see people.
I saw my best friend today that's good.
I just wish I would not take my stress out on my lover, he is also my best friend.

May be when I get work one day, I can save up for getting my work published and new clothes.
I will still enjoy my social life all the same.
I can't have everything.
We want difference things but can't have everything as we haven't got it. December 2006




Mixed feelings, mixed thoughts and mixed life. (Strange poem.)

It's funny to think I am sitting in The 'GOOSE IN THE CITY ' tonight in Wolverhampton in my home town.
England is playing Crocrasa.
I don't like football but every time I seem to read my book, England seems to score.
I wonder why that is, only that my book is called 'A BOX OF TRICKS' by Jeff Phelps.
It's also strange to think I can hear more men cheering.
Even in this day and age very few women cheered the football match.
I don't want to be someone's Mother or daughter, I want to be someone's lover.
Now end result for England is 5 - 1. 9.9.2009



Same time and same place.

I am sitting in a pub in New Brighton on a warm September sunny day.
I look through the window and sadly see that I am not in New Brighton, I am in dirty Wolverhampton.
It seems very strange to think I went to a writer's group in July, I met the writer Jeff Phelps of ' A BOX OF TRICKS.'
So many things tend to be in common with that book and some of my Father's life.
My Dad used to live in New Brighten in the sixties, this book was written about the same place and the same time, the mods and the rockers.
Sooner my Dad left New Brighten he met my Mother in Wolverhampton where he was born himself.
There are things likes Bowling alleys in New Brighten but my parents met in Bowling alley in Wolverhampton.
Just before I was born, my parents parted, my Dad lived over South London and I lived with my Mother in Wolverhampton.
Apart from when I was just born, I did not see my Dad until I was twenty - one years old when he came back to Wolverhampton to live.
The reasons for me not seeing my Father until I was twenty - one is a very long story.
I would have loved to have spend my childhood in New Brighten with my Dad, near the seafront, fish and chips.
I had traveled round myself a bit to Wales and Shorpshire for a number years in my late teens and early twenties . 9.9.2009.