My way of managing Anxiety and Depression, poetry is my answer.

Poems on disabilities and health problems.

Anxiety angers on my mind.

     Anxiety caused me so much pain inside.
Anxiety is fire that burns me up inside.
Anxiety cuts me up like a knife.
Anxiety has become part of my life.
Mostly everything seems worse than it is.
I either feel tense or numb.
Most of the time I worrying over nothing at all.

It’s hard to get Anxiety off my mind because it’s a part of me. 8.3.2014

I can't sleep.

         I can't sleep I have so much on my mind.
 It's twenty to three in the morning, I just can’t sleep.
I just have so much stress that I don't want to put on you.
I am just not thinking straight at the moment.
The weather is even more cold and dark without you. 15.12.2009

I feel so low.

I feel so low and empty without you.
How did I meet you?
How did I fall for you?
How did I get myself in this state?
Why did I build up my hopes that you were the one for me?
I remember I was going through with heartache with someone else when I first met you.

Now feel the same now as I did then.
It never seems to end.
I don't want anyone but you.
Now I have tell myself that in time I will meet someone new just as I had to when I broke up with all the other lovers.

This is hard to believe to how I feel now, 6.11.2012

Hiding pain with a smile.
Sometimes the world can know too much about you.
Sometimes we should be free to have our secrets and cope alone with whatever goes wrong.
Drinking may not be the answer but tears are too locked in the eyes to cry.
Keeping oneself busy is keeping ones' self going.
Now it's too easy to fear the future.
Not wanting to be alone but not having to deal with disappointed ended love.
It's hard to know what you do and don't want let alone what's going to happen.
Try not to think about it, just get on with it with a smile.

May be it's easy to smile but hard to stop thinking about you.
No matter how I try I find my feelings for you are hard to go. 9.12.2012

Introduction to ‘WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND?

It's very strange how everyone’s' mind work, which are so different.

It would be a very boring world if we were all the same.

 This is why we all behave different.

 These behaviours can affect the lives of people to people.

 There are some people who suffer from certain illnesses that cause people to be a danger to themselves or and other people.

 In some cases certain medications can cause people to be a danger to themselves or and other people.

 A lot of medications cause side - effects by curing one thing and bringing on another. 2011 - 2015-03-08

Crime has grown.

As we are all aware crime has seemed to have grown a lot in the last ten years or so.

 Crime is growing bigger all the time.

Danger and affect everyone’s' lives one way or the other.

 There’s never any excuse for crime but it can be hard to know what people goes through people's minds who commit crime.

All it takes is a matter of time.

People can take out anger on others due to Mental illnesses, drugs. Side - effects of medications, stress they may have had from other people.

 This doesn't there should take it out on others. Some people get themselves into these dangers but not even been aware of what they have done. 2011 - 2015-03-08

Crime, disability and mental health.

When it comes to people with disabilities and health problems been victims of crime, this can be a hard job for the police to deal with because a lot of people with disabilities and health problems find it hard to communicate,

 Some people find it harder than others, depending their disability or and health problem.

This I will explain about how hard it is for people with disabilities and health problems to explain us.

 Therefore we may not believe or understood unless the crime was seen by anyone, which has never been the case in my case?

 People who commit crimes are crafty. 2011-2015

People who commit crime are crafty.

They chose quiet moments when there's not anyone around so they don't get caught.

  Some people pick places to hurt their victims where there aren't CCTV cameras.

With Mental health and Learning Disability it can vary because we are all different just like all people.

 Most people with disabilities and health problems are victims of crime.

Others are prisoners not even aware that they have committed crimes due to their disabilities and health problems or even side - effects of medication.

Health professions should be more aware of.

I have worked for Mencap for years; there have been a lot of people with disabilities and health problems who have been victims of crime than prisoners.

 This had made me realize more and more that I haven't been alone to have faced not been believed or understood.

Crime isn't the only subject I am covering I am covering all kinds of subjects that come to my mind.

 Every reader has a different interest so I do my best to interest as many readers as possible. 2011 -2015

YOU CAN'T CHANGE WHAT'S HAPPENED NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT.

You can't mend what has been broken.

Mark David Chapman, it's too late to say you're sorry because you have already done the damage.

John Lennon hoped to be Jesus Christ and come back to live.

Let's be honest is there life after death?

Even there was life after death John Lennon would have been haunting you Mark David Chapman.

Do you believe in Jesus Christ? 2011 - 2015

Mental Health, Bullying and Hate Crime.

We are seen but not heard.

It's hard to believe if you don't see.

It's hard to know what's happened when you’re not there.

People with learning disabilities find it hard to make ourselves understood.

We can't help the way we are.

Most things are hard to talk about it can be hard to get things off our minds.

It can be hard to get Hate Crime off our minds.

People who do Hate Crime should get a life time.

Most people who bully as children do Hate Crime as adults.

Most people today get away with bullying and Hate Crime because the law lets them.

There used to be a time that children were taught to learn right from wrong.

People who bully and do Hate Crime get away with it forever or for a long time.

Just because people don't see us get hurt it doesn't mean we don't.

You see some of us can't stand up for ourselves.

Not many of us who can stand up for ourselves.

Those of us who do manage to stand up for ourselves get misunderstood for the bullies.

The world thinks we are bullies instead of victims.

People who bully and or do hate crime don't always get found out. 20.1.2011 -2015

YOU CAN'T CHANGE WHAT'S HAPPENED NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT.

Do you think he will come back to live?

May be Jesus will but John Lennon won't.

Do you believe in hell on earth but peace in heaven?

That wasn't the way John Lennon saw it.

John Lennon believes in peace on earth.

I know answers are unknown what the truth is so who know what and not to believe.

I was 11 years old in the class room when Mr Stoll told me and many other children at the time of the bad news of John Lennon's death.

I can still hear Mr Stoll telling us now 30 odd years on.

The peace John was hoping for on earth I hope he gets in heaven. 8.12.2007 - 5.7.2013

John Lennon.
John Lennon was a young hippie in the 1960s.
He believed in peace not war.
He would not be happy with the world been any other way than peace not war.
Today he'd be rolling in his grave if he saw knew what a mess the world is today.
John always rewarded brave people.
He wrote great song and poetry.
He drew and painted lovely pictures.
He was a very clever man.

The sad thing was that he did not die in people but with a bang.
Everyone guessed that John Lennon wanted to die at a peaceful grand old age with no pain but just in his sleep. 31.1.2001

I feel so low.

       I feel so low and empty without you.
How did I meet you?
How did I fall for you?
How did I get myself in this state?
Why did I build up my hopes that you were the one for me?
I remember I was going through with heartache with someone else when I first met you.

Now feel the same now as I did then.
It never seems to end.
I don't want anyone but you.
Now I have tell myself that in time I will meet someone new just as I had to when I broke up with all the other lovers.
This is hard to believe to how I feel now, 6.11.2012

Don't think because I'm alone.

Only because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm free to love anyone for a long time.

As far your mind works, I'm not a free woman because you don't know I'm single.

I want to move forward not back in my life.

I don't need you to mess my head around anymore.

Now I'm staying away from you.

Don't think because I'm alone that I'm coming back into your life because I'm not.
I will make sure that you won't know whether I'm single or not.
I'm keeping away from you so you don't get your chance to love and hurt me again.
Love, you don't even know what the word love means.
May be I am lonely but it's better than being with you to hurt me all over again like you so many times before.
How many chances do you want?
If you think I am wasting the rest of my life on you, then the news is bad for you.

I'm not giving you anymore chances for you to love me to hurt me again.
I find it hard to forgive and forget what you did to me.
Why should I forgive you at all?
I used to find it hard to stop loving now I find it hard to love you again.
Why would I want to try to love you again after what you put me through?

Now I just have no trust in you yet once I believed in you so much.
I should never have gone back to you; I should have known better to not give you another chance.
I may well now be single, which could be for a long time but not forever, I believe I will met someone better than you one day.
The longer I am single the more he will be worth the wait as well as the date.
I don't want to love you for you to hurt me again.

You confused my mind and messed with my head with your silly mind games not knowing whether you wanted me or not.
I want someone who knows what and who he wants.

Now you have lost your chance to love me again.

I feel nothing for you anymore.
You never loved me and cared for me as much as I did for you.

You didn’t love me as much as I thought you did.

You didn’t love me at all.

I can’t believe I loved a man for 13 and a half years on and off who didn’t love me.

Our relationship was based on you lying about your feelings towards me.
I was too blind to disbelieve about the way you feel about me.

 It’s time to move on.

It's time to stop turning up on your door step. 5.11.2012 -18.11.2012

Understanding people.

The only people who understand we is we.
Freedom is important we without knowing it we control one another.
We are looked at as strange from strangers as if we have masks to cover as faces.
We are looked at as if we are wrong all the while.
We are looked as if we are not human.
We looked at if we are nuts and out of our minds all the time.

There's a fear if we are watched all the time.
What we do and say isn't wrong all the time.
Not everyone sees things our way; it would be boring if everyone’s minds were the same. 9.12.2012

27 1997.

At the age of 27 1997, it was a bad year.
You broke my heart, you tore me apart.
At the age of 27 in 1997 I just wanted to go to heaven.
Life did not seem worth living, it all seemed like a dark tunnel.
The winter was dull and cold without you.
I discovered Shelley and Keats in the summer.
Without planning to I wrote poetry but when I did I knew life was worth living after all.
Once I started writing poetry it helped me clear my mixed up mind which helped me to get stronger in my mind.

That's when I learned to understand that life goes on, without writing poetry I would have broke down or and even ended my own life.
Jim Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison all suffered depression one way or the other over difference very bad times in life; they were all 27 when they died.
They were very creative people in their music but I pulled through my breakdown when I was nearly twenty - eight by discovering poetry. 13.2.2009

How did he write?

How did he read what he wrote?
He must have been a remarkable guy.
How did he write if he was blind?
See people with disabilities are creative, they can get jobs.
We all work in difference ways sense, feel, sight, smell, taste and touch or even all.
How did he know that he was writing what he wanted to write?
How did he get down on paper what was going on through his mind?
I guess he could not see pictures and he may not have got the support.
I guess there was not Braille or any other support in the 1600s.
The 1600s was John Milton’s time; life must have been dark for him been blind.
It's hard for someone to understand who is blind.
Blind is not just blind in sight, dyslexia is a word blindness.

Autism is mind blindness.
People with all kinds of disabilities manage more than what people think, even though we are slower because of our disabilities that makes us a better than people who have not got anything to slow them down.
With not seeing you must worry that you are feeling and touching the wrong things.
How do you know if you are touching right people?
It must be hurtful not to see what you have achieved.
I think a lot of people who are clever have disabilities.
The blind may have a lot of support now but not in John Milton’s time. 19.21.8.2002

Jonathan Swift 1667-1745.

He wrote about the ships sailing on the rough sea.
He must have been bought up into the world of sea.
The sails were blowing in the wind.
He had epilepsy just like me.
I am so lucky to have tablets to cure my epilepsy.
There always a way of achieving things in life whether you have a disability, health problem or not.

You just need to get the help and support in what you want to do and show willing.
Years ago there were not any chances or support but a lot of frame people with disabilities achieved things at home because they knew society would not accept them but sadly their work was only seen after their death, society knew it was wrong then.
People knew they had things wrong with them back then but did not know what like we do today. 23.8.2002

Disability people's ability.

Most of us can paint; others can draw or even do both as artists.
There are people with disabilities who can take pictures.
Some of us are writers in poets, playwright, short story tellers and writers.
There people with disabilities who are novelists.
There are even people with disabilities who can sing.
May be we are slower than other people at our jobs but we can do creative jobs with the right support.

A long time ago people with disabilities used to be disliked.
The reason for this is because the lives of people with disabilities are affected due to their disabilities.
Over the years society has discovered with the right support people with disabilities should get by just the same as people who are non - disabled.

It can be very hard when disabilities are not seen.
Only because a person and walk and talk, it does not mean that they have not got a disability.
It is really up to the people with disabilities to tell people they have disabilities.
People must learn to understand if people disabilities don't anything and you think something is wrong.

Have you ever thought that even now there are people that turn a blind at people with disabilities, people with disabilities may feel scared, embarrassed and even ashamed to say so?

How would you feel if you were us?
We should not be made to feel that way but in some cases of our lives society still see us as hard work and completely useless.

Why doesn’t society look at the strong parts of people with disabilities and give us a chance to bring what comes easy to us to life!
Society should let us believe in us as human beings.
They would not like if people were saying they could not do this, that and other. 18.7.2005

this a poem I think will link to the story 'TALKING TO THE GRAVES.'

Misunderstanding.

You say black.

I say white.
No one is wrong or right.

The world is blind. There's just a misunderstanding of one another's minds.
That misunderstanding can cause sadness that can take away ones' choice.
Ones' choice of been left out of the rest of the world.
You can do what you want safely without answering to anyone.
You don't feel useless.
You don't feel like hard work to other people.
Despite of the world been blind to me, I'm learning something new every day.
May be I need more help to learn but I'm not blind in everything.
I still learn the same but different to you. 31.12.2011

Lack of communication.

Hello, are you there?
Am I speaking to a person?
Can you speak?
No reply, why?
This is never a human?
I can take a while to speak; it may take a while for me take in what you have just said.
Ok, you think I am rather strange.
You must be strange not to give me time to speak.
What are we on about; we have known one another all our lives?
We still can't communicate.
I know I'm your family member, we know one another since we were born.
We still don't know or understand one another. 31.12.2011

You have walked on me.

       I am the path.
I am the sand.
I am the sea.
You walk on me or swim inside me.
I am your water to cool you down.
I'm in the middle, you are all round me.
You lie on me.
You stand on me.
You all make the world a bigger place than it seems to be.
You are all over crowding me.
I can't breathe.
It's like I can't join or fit in.
You will make fun of me because I can't join in with you all. 31. 12. 2011

I will be on my own.

 I will be on my own.
My company isn't good enough for you.
I am hard work for you.
I need more help than other people.
When no one is there you're wondering why I'm alone.
When people are there you're wondering why they bother with me in case I am hard work for them.
With the limits of what I can do in my life it's as if I shouldn't have been born.
As if I shouldn't be on this earth.
As if life isn't worth living.
That's where you're wrong when I have my creative talents.
What am I doing now?
I am putting my feelings in poetry and words. 31. 12. 2011

Someone, something is behind me.

Someone, something is behind me.

They want me to move fast.

I’m trying to move in time to their speed.

Something or someone that seems nasty is getting closer and closer.

I am taking up their space.

Here I am made to feel useless and guilty again. 31.12.2011

I’m just me.

I’m no clever person but I am not thick either.

I just write what’s going through my mind.

I’m just me a human being like you.

I am no one special.

I have a career.

I have a life.

I cope alone but I still have the world watching over me. 31. 12.2011 

Crossing lines.

It can be so hard to speak one's’ mind when the right words don't come the mind, out the mouth.

The mind can be hard to control.

Being heard and understood can be two different things.

There are times that no one takes the time to listen to what the person is saying.

The voice needs to be heard.

You haven't achieved what you were hoping for me.

People make fun because you may not have said what you were thinking.

You know what you mean even if people don’t. 31.12.2011

Zombie

I am in a world of my own.

I am Zombie.

All I can see is crowds of people crowding round me.

I feel like a puppet on a string.

Everyone seems to be having a good time yet I seem to be missing what is going on.

No worries I will find my way alone somehow.

I’m just in a dream world.

Where are the people I know, they have seemed to have left and yet they seem millions of miles away.

Where do I go now?

Left, right or straight on.

There are too many people for me to know.

Too much nose, too many people talking at once.

The world is buzzing around.

I feel so overcrowded by the world. 31.12.2011 

Mirror mind.

Mirror mind.

Mirror writing.

To me the world is upside down.

I see words upside down.

When look through the mirror I see an upside down world.

I see writing upside down letters and words.

I can see me mirror writing the world of words.

Look at me!

Mirror writing, painting, drawing, poetry and short stories.

We are just looking from darkness into the light.

The future is hard to see because the world had no money.

This could be bad enough for the next generation.

 31.12.2011 – 2.1.2012

I can fight this bad feeling whatever it is.

A bad feeling can happen whether there's a reason or not.
You can feel bad even when you know there's nothing to feel about bad about. You can feel as the world is looking at you and judging even if they are not.
You can feel alone even when you’re not.
You can feel worried even if you have nothing to worry about.
Stay strong which I know is easy to say, show the world despite of how you feel that you are alive.
You don't feel special but you are.
You feel like a bad person but you are a good person.

Of course things will get better even though it doesn't seem that way.

The good is out there somewhere it's just finding it.
It may not come for a long time to come but then quicker than you think
it will be better if you're patient enough to wait.
I know the bad is too easy to fear but the good is hard to think.
I guess I just accept too much without meaning to.
I know it's not easy to believe in ourselves even though we should. 
Yet if we believe in ourselves we can believe in others.
If we learn to love ourselves we can love others. 9/12/2012-20.2.2015

Too scared to talk.

Finding it say it hard to say what one thinks in case others judge.
It may not be nice but it may be the truth.
One can be scared of the truth in a good way as well as a bad but then the truth isn't always what we want heard then we do, it's no good living in a lie.
Not wanting to hurt the feelings of others.

     Not wanting to full out with others because they can’t agree with you and you can’t agree with them.

       Everyone has the rights of their own views.

      Not everyone gets along: not everyone doesn’t get along.
Right or wrong you can't make feelings go away until feelings want to.

We all make mistakes but not all are mistakes.
It's what we say and do what matters: thinking is thoughts not words. 9. 12. 2012

Understanding people.

The only people who understand we is we.
Freedom is important we without knowing it we control one another.
We are looked at as strange from strangers as if we have masks to cover as faces.
We are looked at as if we are wrong all the while.
We are looked as if we are not human.
We looked at if we are nuts and out of our minds all the time.

There's a fear if we are watched all the time.
What we do and say isn't wrong all the time.
People may fear in case they are misunderstood. 9.12.2012

Different kinds of Autism.

  Some people with Autism find social imagination hard.
   It doesn't seem to know how to play with toys.

 Is attached to one particular toy or object.

 Excessively lines up toys or other objects

Repetitive behaviours or interests, which cause children with Autism to not have any interest or learning ability in the world around them.

ASD is defined by a certain set of behaviours that can range from the very mild to the severe.

Some Other Signs

Poor eye contact

At times seems to be hearing impaired

Physically disabled

Mentally Disabled.

 Which is odd because physical disabilities shown on the whole.
I was born with lack of oxygen to the brain, 

Autism can happen, before during and after birth. Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Fits.

My body is like a machine as I get electric shocks in my knees and legs.

That’s when a get a headache, sometimes I got dizzy and then I start to shake.

Time to lie down to rest my aching head.

Let the turn carry on till I sleep.

Yet I am aware what’s going on around me but I am feeling unwell.

I am confused whether it’s fits, Anxiety attacks or even both yet they very rarely happen.

In the mean time it’s like electric wires coming in and out my head like blowing fuses.

This could be caused by worry and stress or even hot and cold weather.

The cold spells tend to cause me dizziness.

Loud sounds can make me shake and jump. 2.6.2012

Looking through the mirror.

Without knowing what to expect to read inside was John Keats's poetry, whose picture I saw on the cover of the book.

When I read his work which was hard to understand at first but then I read what he had been through at that time was no different to what I had been going through when I read his work.

Even by looking at his picture he looked how I felt at the time.

I read Keats’s work with not excepting what to read the fact he was going through the same as me inspire me so much to write poetry.

It was then I realised I wasn't alone, it helped me so much with coming to terms with my broken relationship more so than crying, then I realised I wasn't alone. 21.5.2012

It was a dark time.

Back in 1997, I drank heavy thinking the pain would go away but I found the problems were still there the next morning.

Every time I drank the night before it would numb the pain.

Loneliness seemed to have got worse day by day until I started writing poetry.

I couldn't see the wood between the trees, I felt so weak and depressed.

Twelve mouths seemed to have last forever even I didn't know how long it was going to take me to come to terms with the breakup of the relationship.

When I started writing poetry I realised I wasn't alone after been inspired by John Keats’s work. 21.5.2012

The character.

What do you see when you look at me?
Why did you make me?
Would you agree there's a character in me?
Why did you bring this disabled world to me?
Thank you god for making me.

Am I the human being you wanted me to be?

What are you seeing and thinking when you look down from heaven to earth at me?
You see a human being who is not very wise.
How can you see me god with those far away eyes?

As a human being I am sitting here still.
I'm human baby, child and teenager inside an adult who used to dribble her food and make no reply.
You look down from heaven to earth in a loud voice saying I wish she'd try.
Did you ever you used to notice the things I used to do like losing a sock and shoe?
Did you notice the things my family used to do like feeding and bathing me all the days through?
Do you still see the baby in me? Late 20^th to early 21^st century.