Even though Valentine's day is over life still goes on. People with disabilities and health problems want our rights to go out and enjoy ourselves as much as other people. The worrying thing now is that things seem to be turning round the opposite to a point with these cuts there are not many places to go, which doesn't only affect vulnerable people but everyone one way or another. For example Wolverhampton City Council are already facing £134m in soaring cuts so I found in the newspaper this Friday morning gone so I guess most places in Britain are facing not much different to what we are. It is affecting two socialising event Youth clubs and the Over 50 clubs. Without the Youth clubs the crime could grow more and more. Therefore more and more people are going to be using the internet but not everyone is lucky enough to have access to the internet. Those of us who do though need to know how to keep ourselves safe, there's as much crime online as what there is out and about, it's even more harder if you are a vulnerable person. Here are tips to try and keep safe, which I may have put here before.
Disability dating
tips.
Socialising.
Mencap understand the worries families, parents and carers have over
people with disabilities. Mencap know that there are still a big majority of
people with disabilities who haven’t got a great deal going in their lives very
often because they are over protected. There needs to be a balance between
keeping people with disabilities safe and letting them live their own lives.
Majority of us who have been in friendships and relationships have been victims
of people who we have trusted to be our friends or and partners least once in
our lives. Whether we have disabilities being a victim of crime isn’t nice.
Safety is important for everyone but people with learning disabilities and
health problems are more easily lead. Sometimes society can over project us far
too much to a point that we are used to been over protected that when we have
to cope alone we find it very hard.
Even people with disabilities
know have to accept that life is not perfect otherwise it would be boring.
There again we can't live in fear that everything is going to be bad. The world
would be a very boring place if things were just good all the while or just bad
all the while. You don't need to have disabilities and health problems face
being a victim of crime more than able people. Nine out of ten times people
with disabilities are seen as victims more because we are slower than other people
and we seem weaker than able people.
It's like I have said in one of my reports, more support staff are needed in
Britain so people with disabilities can have equal lives to other people as
possible but with the right support. A lot of people are finding it hard to
keep their support now due to the cuts, which is making it very hard for a lot
of people with disabilities and health problems to live their lives. We want
people with disabilities to live their lives how they want but we also we want
them to be safe too. Please email your comments to me my email address is
sarajgorman@gmail.com thank you very much.
Supporting Rights
Society tends to turns it's self way from all races one way or the
other. People with disabilities are just one of the races that faces
discriminate by society how people are discriminate is depending on the kind of
races they have. If you are a lot races the more stress you have to face I
guess. We all have to face discriminate in difference ways.
People with disabilities are also human beings, most relationships and
friendship break up but if the break up is about race, why lead someone on in
the first place? There again the people who have a problem with race should be
honest. You will make things a lot worse by fibbing to them. The truth may not
be good news to the person you are telling. For eg: white people refusing to
have relationships with coloured people because of their colour or even the
other way round.
Nine out ten people can never pick a partner to
please their families. Not many of us please our families agree with our first
love. We all get told one way or the other that the person will hurt us. More
often than not families are always right? Very rare they are wrong. When you
have a learning disability, it feels as if you seem to pick the wrong partner
even more so because all these barriers are around you more so.
When it comes to being single, it can be a lack
of loneliness for everyone but then a relief of freedom when you have been with
the same person for years like I have in my last relationship I have just come
out of this year. There's always that fear of been on your own if you leave
that person, then you learn you have done the right thing if you walk away. I
used to if I leave him that would be it; no one else would want me. This was
because it was as if I could never make me him happy so I thought I was never
going be good enough for anyone else. I also learned to love him so much but
now I don't love him anymore.
That was just the problem I had was wondering
whether I could trust another man. I kept on fearing that I'd get hurt again. I
have now learned that life is full of risks whatever you do. If you don't keep
trying, you will keep on fearing everything and thinking about bad things until
it haunts you. Never build your hopes up on anything though.
I feel more of a stronger person now. I think I
understand now that my disability for eg; may not have been all reasons for my
relationships to have broken down. Many of my ex boyfriends have had
disabilities. The strange thing is though when I went to special schools many
children put one another down because of their disabilities and bullied each
other.
Coping with single life. We all know
having a partner is not a big deal but it is a big deal to people who have
never had the chance to fall in love if they want to. Some people like to stay
on their own because they can't stand the thought of getting hurt. When it
comes to people with disabilities, it always seems like we can't get
relationships because of our disabilities or there is a feeling when
relationships end, they end because of our disabilities. People with
disabilities should be given the same rights as people without but those rights
should support. We as people with disabilities know that not all people without
disabilities discriminate us. Not all the world is black and white. We have
come a long way in society to what we used to be but we still have a long way
to go.
Mostly people with disabilities tend to be over protected from a lot of areas
in their lives; relationships can be one of them for most people. To break the
barriers and give people with disabilities the right support so we have choices
and we are not being controlled by society.
When it comes to being single, it can be a lack
of loneliness for everyone but then a relief of freedom when you have been with
the same person for years like I have in my last relationship I have just come
out of this year. There's always that fear of been on your own if you leave
that person, then you learn you have done the right thing if you walk away. I
used to if I leave him that would be it; no one else would want me. This was
because it was as if I could never make me him happy so I thought I was never
going be good enough for anyone else. I also learned to love him so much but
now I don't love him anymore.
That was just the problem I had was wondering
whether I could trust another man. I kept on fearing that I'd get hurt again. I
have now learned that life is full of risks whatever you do. If you don't keep
trying, you will keep on fearing everything and thinking about bad can make you
more of a stronger person now. I think I understand now that my disability for
eg; may not have been all reasons for my relationships to have broken down.
Many of my ex boyfriends have had disabilities. The strange thing is though
when I went to special schools many children put one another down because of
their disabilities and bullied each other.
You just always feel as if you’re in the wrong
all the while, you feel useless and as if you have failed. I don't want people
with disabilities to feel about their selves the way I used to feel about
myself. I don't wish that on anyone. I want to know that relationships that
don't work out are just not meant to be. It took me years to understand that
but better later than never.
When it comes to relationship break - ups or for
people who have never had a relationship or even friendships in their lives it
can be hard. When you have learning disabilities you can be misunderstood. This
can happen to all if not most people who can now and then be misunderstood.
People with disabilities can be mostly misunderstood. Try to remember those who
have not got disabilities, you could have had disabilities. How would you have
coped? Not an easy question to answer if you have not got disabilities.
Childhood memories tend to haunt a lot of us. Never build your hopes up on
anything though.
I feel more of a stronger person now. I think I
understand now that my disability for eg; may not have been all reasons for my
relationships to have broken down. Many of my ex boyfriends have had disabilities.
The strange thing is though when I went to special schools many children put
one another down because of their disabilities and bullied each other.
You just always feel as if you’re in the wrong
all the while, you feel useless and as if you have failed. I don't want people
with disabilities to feel about their selves the way I used to feel about
myself. I don't wish that on anyone. I want to know that relationships that
don't work out are just not meant to be. It took me years to understand that but
better later than never.
Dreams, feelings
and thoughts.
We have had dreams, feelings and thoughts. Whether we get or it lasts is
a difference thing.
Most things may not last but at least most people get chances in life. Not many
people do get chances. You don't need to have learning disabilities to not have
those chances or have those chances taken away from you. A lot of people with
disabilities get put down or and left out. We look and think different to
people without disabilities. Really we are just a bit slower than people
without disabilities.
I wanted to
marry and have children when I was a child and teenager. In the 70s and 80s
when I was growing up marriage was a common thing. Very few people with
children were single. My Mother was one the very few single parent families in
the 70s. I guess this made children think at that time think that marriage was
the main part of an adult life. Children hoped to marry when they grew up the
same as the adults around them. It was not easy to be a single parent in the
70s as my Mum found. As a child it's hard understand that things change when
you become adults.
I have had relationships through my adult life
but never been married. No more different to many people. I have had failed
relationships as they do in the end. I have been one of the very few lucky
people with disabilities to learn about what it's like to have relationships
feel like, even though I have been hurt in the end. It's happened so many times
now that I think what will be will be. If there's anything I have learned in
this life that there is no Cinderella and Prince Charming. I am no Cinderella;
I know very well I won't meet Prince Charming. I think I've learned that a long
time ago, it hit me hard when I found out. We can all dream. I am not saying
that everyone is unlucky to not meet that special someone for life but very few
are.
When it comes to being a person with a
disability, I know I have said in the report' DISABILITIES, FRIENDSHIP AND
LOVE, people should be honest about the way they feel about people with
disabilities as human beings. Having said that the reasons are not always
because of our disabilities. There could be other reasons too. We are not
alone, a lot of people without disabilities unsuccessful relationships too.
People with disabilities should have their rights supported.
Alright I have taken stick about not been able
children because of my disability, I never understood why. That is not the only
thing I understand, today's world is not a nice world to bring children into. I
guess most people need to have children to keep the world going round. You
can't bring them up how you were bought up so they can get themselves into all
kinds of stick and give you all kinds of things to worry about.
Disability,
friendship and love.
Growing up into the big wide world is hard enough as it is. When you
have disabilities the world an even bigger place. It's as if it over crowds
you. It does not feel as if your rights and chances have not been given to you
and or taken away from you. Life is full of barriers without having
disabilities. Barriers over stop your rights and chances you want. We need to
be strong enough to fight those changes and right, don't let them get to you!
Everyone has to live with some barriers but people's disabilities are made to
be helpless, useless and hopeless 99% of our lives. Our disabilities seem to
like the reason why and why not in the case may be. People with disabilities
get and feel let down by society.
No matter how hard life is, generations change. Some things change for better
other things change for worse. Change is a big thing for everybody but even
bigger for people with disabilities. When things change for the better, it can
be as much as big change as a bad when it's not accepted. Time is our world
like it is yours. We need to make sense of the world just like you do. No
matter how hard we work to make life easy for ourselves and one another that
include you as well. We don't seem to make it any easier to make sense of the
world, do we?
Whether we have a disability or not, we hate been misunderstood and we hate
misunderstanding people. This does not just happen in friendship and love it
can happen in everything. If I am honest I have been one of the lucky ones to
be able to have friendship and love. That does not mean that I don't look out
for the people who have not had the chances to have friendship, love and that
applies to everything in life.
It's better to be lost in love than not to be loved at all. How ever long love
lasts, some people have not been lucky enough to try it in the first place.
It's bad enough not knowing what to expect anyway but when it comes to your
first date when you have disabilities, it's even more scary, believe me. You
can be scared of scaring people away because of your disabilities. People can
look at you as if you are thick so they tend to misunderstand you as a person.
We are human being who should have as many rights and choices the same as
people without disabilities with the right support. Some people with
disabilities need more support than others in all different areas of life. We
understand due to our disabilities that we take longer to learn, it can be a
lot of hard work. Having disabilities can happen to anyone, it could have been
you. You will never know what it feels like to be left out unless you have
disabilities.
We all understand that we can't have everything we want. Never think people
with disabilities are any different in that respect. It mostly seems to be the
things we can't have is because of our disabilities. We all have dreams,
feelings and thoughts just like you do. We are human beings just like you are,
please don't you forget it!
Many of us dream of different things like marrying and having children, which
more often than not does not happen or not many marriage. Eg; many of people
with disabilities are not even given the chance to see what marriage is like.
Always tell the person a bit about your
disabilities so they know what to expect of you. Explain more about what
disabilities are and what it feels like to have disabilities. Try to tell them
how to cope with disabilities. Tell them to accept you as you are or not at
all. Give them their choices, show them you are strong and do tell them that
they will lose out if they don't accept you as you are, you are a human being
too.
If they walk out they will lose out not you.
If you like the person who has turned you away because
of your disabilities, it may take time to come to terms with them hurting your
feelings. There's someone out there for everybody, plenty more fish in the sea.
If you
are an able person dating someone with disabilities and health problems.
Dating.
When I have gone out on a date. I never minded
whether It was a blind date, I can cope with the person been unknown but not
the place. I have been on many dates but I get worried when I am meeting
someone new. I like to know there are people in the background that I do know.
Pubs and cafes are the places I go to the most and I am seen by people I know
the most.
I am not a person who just goes with anyone.
Having had damaging relationships in the past, I like to get to know first for
a long time then see whether I want an relationship with them or not. It does
not matter to me though whether they have disabilities or not. There's more
than one thing about everybody. This is how I met my male friend.
Not everyone is like me though, we are all
different, and it would be boring we were all the same. We must always think
each others' feelings, everyone likes dates different one another. It's even
better start if you are both happy with how the date is set out, it's a better
match if you both comfortable.
If you are a person without disabilities who has
turned a person down because of their disabilities. Try to think about how you
would feel if you were in their shoes.
Date tips.
Eg; let’s just say date someone with a walking
disability, what you will need to understand there is more to the person.
Before you start to say, “I don't like him or her." Take a bit time to
hear to know them. If you still don't like what you hear and see then leave.
Before you leave bare in mind that the person has not don't anything wrong,
they disabilities that they can't help.
You find out they have speech problems, take
time to listen to them. If you find it hard to understand what they are saying
give yourselves both time. If they have a support worker they may be able to
write down what the say but if the person can write clearer than they can
speak, then that's one less thing to worry about. I know it's not very private
date if they need so much support but by them having a support worker it could
help to make them understood to you. Think about how be embarrassing it will be
for that person if he and she can't make themselves understood. If the date
does work out may be you can learn how understand other people with these
disabilities so you can one day understand person.
No one can force you to stay if you don't want
to but if you really can't cope, don't be angry with the person, like I have
said it's not their fault.
Don't say! I can't be bothered; you will be too
much hard work for me.
Do say! I don't know anything about people with
disabilities, I can't cope.
Just may be the person with disabilities will
tell you how cope. If you don't ask then it's your lose not there's. Give them
and yourself time to get to know one another. That person has more about them
than just their disabilities no more different to if you were dating someone
without disabilities. You just need to take a bit more time that's all. Explain
to the support worker if the person is finding it hard to understand you.
Try to look at more things than just the
disability. The person may have a walking and speech disability but they may be
a very smart dress person. With giving yourself time to understand what he or
she is say they may tell you more interesting than what you past dates have
told who have more than likely not had disabilities. This person with
disabilities may be a lot nicer than the people you have been out without.
We understand that there is no any easy way of
telling someone you don't feel the same as them without upsetting them. The
best thing you can do is be honest: the worse thing you can do is make them
feel useless, helpless and hopeless. Think about how you would like to be
spoken to if you had disabilities.
If you someone does not have the same feelings
as you do, it's not very easy for them to tell you so. If you have a disability,
you may need and want some support in case your date tells you something you
don't want to hear. There should not be any harm in having that support if you
want and need it.
You must remember when you first meet, either of
you have not had the chance to do anything wrong. Ask and tell one another the
easy things for eg; each others' name, where you both come from and so on. Bear
in mind that society tends to push people disabilities away. People with
disabilities are very often used to been let down but they do get fed up with
it. Please except them to be a bit more worried than mainly if they have not
got a clue that they are going to see. They could be scared about it if they
haven't been dated before or and their past dates have been let downs because
of their disabilities. They may need you to tell them to say now ask me
something now. This is because everything could new to both of you not just the
person with the disabilities.
Tips for people with disabilities.
You will have more chance of your date working
out, if you dress nicely, bath, shower, shave, smell nice and may be a bit of
make - up. It's good to look nice anyway. If a person without disabilities is
your date, you will never know what they will be like towards you. For eg; a
walking and speech disability is well noticed. By making sure yourself look
nice, they could be more change of the person accepting you as you are. There
again it may be someone with a disability. Without been rude, if you are lucky
enough to get a kiss. Not I am get worried about that too; you’re not the only
one, try not to dribble as you kiss. You never know it may turn out you may not
be interested in them. There us worrying about how people without disabilities
are towards us. Enjoy your date, what will be, will be. Plenty more fish in the
sea if it's not to be.
Tips for people without disabilities.
You can talk to us on a date not much different
to talking to people without disabilities. Ask us questions about hobbies,
interests and etc. We will answer them and ask you.
Ups and downs.
This person has a disability, ok that seems too
much for you to cope with. You must think about being honest with them without
making them feel bad about themselves. I understand it's hard to do but if the
feelings you both have are opposite, this where you have to be careful if you
don't feel the same way. It's bad enough turning someone without disabilities
down.
It is hard for everyone as it is when it comes
to ending a relationship and facing someone finishing with you. Like I have
said before it's even more of a blow when you have not been given the chance to
see what love is like in the first place.
When you are in love your mind is somewhere
else and when a relationship breaks up, your mind is somewhere else. It can take
a long time to come to terms with an ended relationship.
The stress of losing someone you love can hit
you as it is. It can make you feel ill. It's like the end of the world. In fact
it get's to the stage with most people like it did with me that you don't want
to live.
Stress is bad for everyone; in fact stress is
the worse killer for every one of all. In today's world the credits crunch the
worse stress of all. Relationships can break up over money problem, which was
one of the reasons for my last relationship having broken up. Stress is bad
enough for everyone but people with disabilities and health problems it can
stress out or even kill us twice as quick. Relationships break up can be one of
the hard things to cope with until you learn how to come to terms with it. My
reason for writing this piece of writing is to help people with disabilities to
cope with the stresses of losing relationships and the joys of gaining
relationships.
For eg; There are important things to deal with
and things into need been done in quick time limits. You need support to get
them done and we just can't get support for whatever reason why. We get
worried, worked up; we can't help it and its part of our disability.
In one of the Mencap reports, it says people
with disabilities are 85 times likely to die under the age of 50 compared to
people without disabilities. Four times as many people with disabilities die of
preventable compared yet again to people without disabilities. Stress in
unavoidable to everyone that includes people with disabilities but it does not
help us. If you would like to read more about people with disabilities on
another site. WWW.mencap.org.uk/page or just try without the page.
Moving on.
I have
run out of love for you. Take your time to come to terms with it. My advice is
to get out and mix with people. If you start to like or even become fond of
someone, don't rush in feet first get to know them first. It would be better if
you could meet someone who has been through relationship breaks ups not much
different to yourself. If that person feels the same towards you, may be you
could have a very close friendship. Never build your hopes that it could turn
into a relationship but never say never.
An Example of a reason why many people with
disabilities lose relationships or they can't find love for eg, the most common
reason for people with disabilities to lose the people we love is that we are a
danger to society. Most people without disabilities want a marriage and a
family for eg; so do people with disabilities. Nine out of ten times, people
without disabilities cannot be bothered to support their partners with
disabilities or even sort out support. If that's what they really want and they
really love their us can all find it hard to be able to control how we feel?
You may not have run out of love for the person you have lost but they may
partners with disabilities. We know it takes time, hard work and a lot of money
but they would do whatever it takes be with someone who wants the same and what
means a lot to them. That does not mean that I am saying marriage and children
is all there is to life. It's an example of a reason why many people
disabilities either can't get relationships or lose them.
A lot of people lose relationships, we agree.
It's the reasons behind them not the fact that it does happen. When it comes to
the same reason in each relationship your in and out the case may be, how
strange is it? Mainly when it feels like it because you have learning
disabilities.
There has always been that fear in my mind as I
had to learn to live with in my life that I could not be a Mother than I would
never be good enough for any man. Now they take me as I am or not at all. I
used to feel useless and hopeless but not anymore. I am no baby machine; I am too old for that anyway. Why
shouldn't younger people with disabilities have the rights I didn't have or
should I say I didn't get, if that's what they want? (Shame on society.)
Be honest.
Even if you are telling us something we don't
want to hear, and then please tell us the truth. Tell us that we are useless,
helpless and hopeless partners if that's what you think we are. Think about how
you say it to us though. Tell us what you want out of life, what it is what we
can't give you? What is there good about us? We understand that more
relationships and marriages end now than years ago. People need to be honest
with people on the reasons why they are ending a marriages and relationships.
The barriers hurt people with disabilities enough as it is. Not everything
comes down to our disabilities. Don't be afraid of how we react because it will
be worse if you don't tell us the truth. Don't make up a reason to hide the
truth! Truth is what we want to hear even though the reason hurts us.
Raising social
awareness for people without disabilities about people with.
Getting out and about can be hard for anyone not just for people with
disabilities. Due to people with disabilities needing more support than people
without, it can be hard for people with disabilities to have our rights and
choices. Having said that some of us are luckier than others. Most people can't
go out unless they are in groups for eg; Circle of Friends and Mates to Dates
supported by Mencap. Transport also seems to be a big deal. Most families,
carers and etc seem to be more over project than they should be which any isn’t
help to peoples' independence. A lot of people like to make friends and
relationships so do people with disabilities. Everyone goes through risks in
life so do people with disabilities. Everyone needs to be strong to life so do
people with disabilities. Everyone needs money to go out so do people with
disabilities. There diffence can be that most people with disabilities need
support to get out and about. When you’re out spare a thought for those who
can't get out and about without help.
For the last year or so there's been a big credit crunch, now it's getting
worse. A lot of things have cut back not just things for people with
disabilities. The more things that do cut back, there will be nothing left of
the country. Mates to Dates have cut back and Circle of Friends is either
cutting back or already has.
As I may be have told you early on in this site. My relationship broke up 13
and a half years ago, which was on and off. I still carried going to his house
every night for two years after the slit just as friends. It's turned out
things got that bad I found myself needing counselling to get myself on my feet
again plus my work is keeping me going as well. The last time I had
counselling, I was given a very interesting book to read called THE ASPERGER
LOVE GUIDE.’ We all know that people with disabilities find it very hard to
find friendships and love to keep hold of. We all know that a lot of
relationships are not meant to last anyway even in led people without but it
can get bit too much when each one ends for the reason of having disabilities.
This book I am reading is a guide to help people with disabilities cope with
relationship and to help without disabilities cope too when having partners who
are Asperser.
I would like to write a book called
DISABILITIES, FRIENDSHIPS AND LOVE' I would like to say why in my book why I
think people disabilities find it hard to make friends and relationships.
People with disabilities also understand that it can be hard for people without
disabilities to make friendships and relationships too.
Everyone needs to make friends.
Most people like to have lovers.
People with disabilities want to make friends
too.
Most people with disabilities want to have
someone to love just like most of you do.
Communication and understanding helps for us to
get along together in life.
People with disabilities would like to teach
people without how to communicate with us and how to understand us.
sarajgorman@gmail.com you are welcome to read Mencap's website on staying up
late WWW. mencap.org.uk/stay plate. A lot of people with disabilities have
complained about their evenings been too short for them because of their
support workers finishing work. Some people with disabilities don't get out at
all due to been controlled by carers, families and not enough support working
staff.
Most people with disabilities find it hard to access transport.
Society, families and carers control the lives of majority people with
disabilities in a loving way. There needs to be a balance between support needs
and people with disabilities living our own lives by our choices.
Please post your views to sarajgorman@gmail.com Thank you.
Going Out?
Love and friendship is hard
to find and keep whether you have disabilities or not.
Majority of people with disabilities find it hard to meet with all kinds of
people includincluding people like ourselves. These are the same thoughts when
majority of us with disabilities want a little love in our lives. So, next time
you are out think about the hard time majority of people with disabilities are
having. Majority of us get bullied, ignored, misunderstood or and picked on.
Society needs to accept us the same as other people. Society seems to turn a
majority of us away because we seem and look different to other people. We
would like to be accepted in society the same as other people. People with
disabilities are human being just like you are.
Meeting someone.
It's not very often we can
find love at the end of the night as single people. Love is not every thing in life.
People with disabilities need chances to live their lives equal to able people
with the right support. We only live once let us make the most of our
lives just like you. Why are we here if we can’t live our lives? We understand
that we can't live our lives how we want alone but we can with the right
support. Everyone no matter whom or what they are should have the rights to
live their own lives as long as it’s not a danger to themselves and or others.
It shouldn't make any difference whatever race a person is eg; learning disability. People with disabilities and health problems understand that we
need support but we don’t want to be over controlled by society. We understand
we all have different disabilities and health problems so we all need support
in different ways.
For quite a while on this site I have been writing about chances and
barriers. Many people with disabilities are controlled by society. Some People
with disabilities are luckier than others; I am one of the lucky ones. Saying
that, my disability is very mild so when it comes down to the things I really
need help with I can't always get the support. I still look out for people who
are not as lucky as I am. I guess this can depend on what kind of disabilities
people have got. It's seems a shame that people have been looked down on in
that way, it bad that it’s still going on that way. There are all different
kinds of disabilities but we are all still human beings. My job is to support
people with all disabilities to see that they get the rights of their lives. It
is also my job to support families and carers to see the balances of support
and people living their own lives. To
see that these people get what they need as well as what they want. We want
people with disabilities to have more choice and control over their lives.
Love can be blind and wonderful at first.
Sometimes slowly and other times quickly love can go sour. How long you can
stand pain for is all according how much and how long you have loved that
person for. Love is a feeling that is hard to control. I have only just stopped
loving and feeling in love with someone after 13 years. It was hard to let go,
even though I should have walked out a long time before I did. I have learned
you have to get know someone for a long time before you get too close. I got
far too close far too soon. Even if you are very fond of someone just be on
your guide. It can take a very long time to trust again after been hurt.
Since I have been helping out at Mencap, they
have been helping me. I have been getting counselling to get myself back on my
feet again. I never thought I'd say this after 13 yrs that I don't love my ex
boyfriend anymore. I have moved on to learn to stop feeling in love with him
and to stop letting him hurt me. I am still coming to terms with it now but I
am better than I was. If you are in that situation whether you have a disability
or not may be you should try doing the same but in your own time.
Only because I am out of there getting on with
my life, I still don't feel 100% me. I am still finding my feet; I am not going
to rush into the next relationship if I ever fall in love again. What will be will be. As I have told you in
the last report that I am having counselling because I still feel damaged. It
can take a lot out of you for a long time.
Feeling alone.
Everyone has to cope
barriers in their own way. People with disabilities don't expect to be treated
any different to people without. We have face barriers a lot in our lives
because society sees us a Health and Safety hazard. With the right support we
should be able to get through our lives as much as people without disabilities.
Society tries to make us feel useless, hopeless, helpless and guilty about the
way we are. We can't help having disabilities and health problems. We were
either born with disabilities and health problems or it happened during in our
lives. Learning disabilities can happen to anyone. No one understands until or
unless it happens to them. People need to learn how to understand us as human
beings and give us the right support. It is my job as as Learning Disability
Awareness Trainer to make sure that people with disabilities get the rights of
equal chances in life the same as people without disabilities with the right
support. People with disabilities need to have support for having choices and
control over our own lives so we don't feel useless and left out.
We don't have to feel lonely when we are without love and friendship. We
feel lonely when society pushes us out of our rights we should have. Friendship
and love is one of the things we should be able to have rights to as much as
people without disabilities. I guess it's too easy for most people without
disabilities to say." They must be use to it." That's not true but it
is. We are use to it because we have had no choice. No, we are not use to it.
We are fed up of society telling us what we can and cannot to do.
I remember as a child I felt like the odd one out in the world. For eg: not
understanding why I could not tie my shoe laces at ten and me saw children of
five who could tie theirs. As an adult now it does not seem like a big deal now
but at that time it was. Even though I spend a lot of my life in special
schools I was very unaware that the other children had disabilities but
different problems. If I am honest it took me years to understand that I had
disabilities that slowed me down. I was too slow understood why I was slow,
that's the reason why.
Even though I was surrounded by people with disabilities in school, the
world still seemed too big because our problems were not the same. Yes, I know what you mean it would be boring if
we were all the same. Your right but change is not something you understand
when you are very young. There came a time I finely understood that I am not
the only person in the world with a disability. I so misunderstood so much
before that I accepted people with and without disabilities looking at me so
strange that's because to them I seemed different I guess. I do feel guilty I
wish understood that there were other people with disabilities too. Most people
have worse disabilities than me.
When it comes down to feeling a lone without a
partner, as I may have said something the same in one of my reports on this
site. Seeing couples walking round, you feel down because either you have
broken up with someone or you have never been in love. I guess many of you have
come across that kind of loneliness in your lives. That feeling of the whole
world being together. You feel alone you are not because you are not only
person in the world who is alone. There are plenty of lonely people.
The world seems like lonely places don’t you
think? Do you find the world is hard to understand because I do? At the end of
the day people with disabilities have to face no more than people without
disabilities.
Society just tends to turn us away because we
need support, that's too much hard work for society.
This world seems even bigger for us to cope with. We find it very hard
for us to get used to change. Even if we move on or try to, it can take us a long
time to get use to that change due to our disabilities and health problems. In
many cases we are not any different to people without disabilities. We are just
might a bit more sensitive to stress and we don't always find it very easy to
take our minds off things that worry and upset us. People with disabilities
have lived their lives in control of society. Many people without disabilities
tend to think we don't have feelings and we don't hurt. In fact we are strong
and weak at the same time. We are weak because we are fed up of been controlled
by society but strong because in the past we have not had no choices but to
have our lives controlled. With the right support we are no different to people
without disabilities, we are human beings like everyone else.
Becoming strong. This could be a piece of
writing to make you feel strong if you are having a heart break or any other
problems, whether you have disabilities or not.
Things were getting harder and harder everyday,
it turned out it was not to be. I never thought I would see the day I
would walk away. I used to make excuses to be with him. I loved him; I didn't
feel strong enough to call it a day. In time I learned that nothing was going
to change for the better. This is why I moved on. Many people who knew us both,
I don't think they believed that I would leave him. I found it hard to stop
loving him. Little did I understand that I was going to stop loving him but
that did not happen until I moved on. This was because he could not make up his
mind whether he wanted to carry on having a relationship with me or not. To me that
was not good enough. I don't think he knew what he wanted from day to the next.
I think I was too blind to know that. I loved him so much; I thought he loved
me so much. May be he lied to himself and to me in the days he told me he loved
me.
I was so stuck in the rut for years yet I put
myself there through love. (Should I say I was stuck in the mud?) For a many
years for some mad reason I thought the world of him. I even travelled to be
with him rain, hail, snow and even the sun. A lot of people have said he did
not understand how much I loved him. I think they were right. I think I was
wrong to think that he loved me as much as he could. Now it's hard to believe
that he ever did love me. It all seems too long ago to remember
now. What I have learned is, no matter how a
person treats you; love keeps you hanging on as long as it takes to run out.
Yet he broke my heart so badly, not long after I
left him I started having relationship counselling to get my life back together
again, which Mencap have supported me with. Helping with Mencap has done
wonders for me. It has helped me look out for other people. It also helped come
to terms with the loss of my Nan two years ago as well as my relationship
break. Mencap has made me a stronger person than I was before. Thank you
Mencap.
When I was a younger person, I never thought I
was a strong person but now I think I have learned to believe in myself. Saying
that I believe I am strong enough to cope with whatever life throws at me but I
don't hold back on myself, I don't put up with anything off but I am no fool
anymore either. Most people tend to think people with disabilities are weak. We
fall down and get back up again as much as you do. We come to terms with heart
breaks as much as you do. We just might take longer than you do to come to
terms with it. When it comes to getting back on you feet anyway there is no
time limit, heart breaks take a lot out of everyone. Take your time to please
you whether you have a disabilities and health problems or not.
Friendships.
I know I have wrote a lot about relationships now I am going to some
work friendships. Compared to relationships to friendships.
When it comes to friendships and relationships, it's a free country or should
be than what it used to be. There used to be a time when for eg; that gays were
not accepted. This is part of the human race. Some races are people's own
choices and other races are not people's own choice. Whether we chose our race
or not we are what we and who we are. Eg; some people choose to be gay but they
don't chose to have disabilities, it shouldn't be seen as a crime though.
The good news is that we are free how to choose
how we want our friendships and relationships. Here are some examples of
chooses.
Two men in friendships. Two men in relationships.
Two women in friendships. Two women in relationships. Men and women in friendships.
Men and woman in relationships. Race is accepted a lot more than it used to be
but still have a long way to go. You do still get some people look down on
race. People who still do have problems with race should keep their thoughts to
themselves; we are human just like them. Eg; when you a disability, you have to
live with a enough with society putting you down as it is but you are gays as
well, it's even worse. If that's the way you are, well carry on, that's
society's tough luck. Each to your own.
You may well be too friendly girls having a
drink together, Two best male mates, man and woman in a friendship working on a
relationship, man and woman planning on staying in a friendship, two men
friends but working on been gay and or two women friends working on been gay.
The list can go on to different people's choices of life. Like I have said a
lot of us still have society look down on us how we live our lives.
Don't
get me wrong that pretty much some people with disabilities have had
relationships in the past but due down to needing more care and needing to be
look altered more. For most people without disabilities that people like us
have been always hard work for them.
We know
that we can never force people to together but by us raising the awareness of
learning disability we may help better people with disabilities to have better
lives than now and ever before or many years now, I have walked into pubs on my
own. That may sound scary to most people with disabilities, yes they are right.
No it
has not been easy for me. People have looked at me strangely and not spoken to
me. Over years I must say it has got better as people have got used to me coming
in and I have got used to them. There has not been that much of a change as you
may accept.
People
come and go, some people never come back at all and new people come along. It
can be very hard to explain really because every human being different to one
another. I guess it has not been just hard me for as a person with a disability
eg; there are many people without disabilities who take a long time to get to
know people and relax with them.
If people have had different bad experiences
with people, they may take a long time to trust and relax with people again.
They may not necessary shut themselves away in the house but rather than talk
to people they may well be happy just to watch the world go by. When they feel
used to what's going on around them again, they may start talking to people.
More on dating.
Character study.
Always study the same thing in yourself as you do in your date. For eg;
try to notice whether your date is worried about meeting someone or not. Do you
feel the same way?
Nine out of ten people with disabilities do worry about they are meeting
people, they feel more on their guilty than other because they can be
understood to other people. A lot of people are unaware of communication and
understanding. As people with disabilities we understand that can't put every
one of our faults down to our disabilities but what we may do and say may not
please other people. If we are told we have hurt anyone without meaning to that
is when we do feel bad and guilty. This doesn't reply to everyone with
disabilities because all have different disabilities. Except the excepted and
the not accepted.
Like I have said many times on this site, there's more to people than just
their disabilities, which is no more different to people without.
People with disabilities have feelings, just like you do.
With some things people with disabilities are aware but with other things they
are not, that goes with and without doing and saying.
A person may behaviour strangely because they may be worried about dating
someone with disabilities. A person with a disability may worry about dating a
person without a disability. The case may be that it's not a match or they are
worrying in case it's not a match. Either they are not interested in the person
or the person is not interested in them. They may start looking at their own
faults, wondering if they are doing anything wrong and wondering what the
matter is.
People with disabilities may be
thinking about our own faults that may put off. Things that we may not be aware
of and things that we are.
People with disabilities may worry more because
they either they get very little chance or they have been turned down by other
people in the past who not got disabilities because of their disabilities. They
may even have had relationships end because they have been frightened to tell
their ex partners about their disabilities then somehow they have found out.
Anything is possible so be aware. If they seem frightened try to calm them
down. Go somewhere where there are plenty of people who you can ask for help,
in case you find it hard to calm person down. If you find it has got to the
stage you feel you have to walk out, make sure your date is left with people
they know in case they need any support with transport or anything. They may
feel they may need people to talk to, mainly if they have not got a support
worker with them.
Personality.
Are they full of life, laughing and joking? Have
they got a sense of humour?
Are they too serious? Are they in bet weening
full life and Serious? Think about they want from you as well what you want
from them. It’s all down to you to say what you think them. It's down to them
to say what they think about you. Try to study how the person acts and seems.
Try to get a rough idea how they feel about you. Some people with disabilities
don't find it easy to explain themselves. How they look and how they feel about
you. What they say and how they say it. What you say and how you say it. Look
out for the person's body language and see if they notice yours.
Key words to look out for. The way you are
towards one another.
Looks, Behavior, Fears, worries, Happiness,
Sadness, Don’t just look at their behaviour towards you; you also look your
behaviour towards them too. We all have faults; don't just put the blame on to
one person!
Get to know yourself before you get to know
someone else.
The best tip is to get to know someone as very
close friends first, there's plenty more fish in the sea if it does not work
out.
Get to know yourself, Love yourself, get to
know the person then Love the person.
Understanding the difference between friendships
and relationships.
It is not always the case but two people can
like one another a lot but be very close friends. In majority of cases people
have just come out of very
damaging relationships. Therefore one does need to take one's time but one does
not want to be lonely. One wants to protect themselves and the person they are
with. One wants to move on from the bad past they have had, which cans a long
time to do. Don’t to build your hopes up to think anything is going to last but
don’t think it won’t either. Some good
friendships turn into great relationships. You want to get closer but you don't
get too close because you don't want to hurt one another or yourself. That's
where you want to control your feelings but it is not easy do when you are very
fond of one another.
We all learn from our mistakes but how many of
us learn from them? How many of us make the same mistakes over and over again? The biggest mistakes a lot of us
have done are jumped into relationships feet first. For a majority of us, there
comes a point you don't want to jump feet in first anymore. When you come out
of a relationship that has damaged you, it has taken a lot out of you. No
matter how hard one tries to move on, takes it's own because it takes a lot out
of one. Try not to get too close to someone too soon. It could help if both of
you get back on your feet again. It's even harder when you are attractive to
one another; it makes you want to be together more.
Now think about it.
In the early stages of dating try to meet up in
places where you are well known and don’t drink too much because the person may
take advantage of you or and you might tell the person things you don’t mean and
they could take you seriously. It’s very important to know what you want from
this friendship or and relationship to be fare to one another. Too much drink
can change peoples’ mind then they can change their minds back again when they
are sober. You may lead the person
without meaning to and things could be done that you regret. It will very often
happen to the ones we think of the most we end up hurting ourselves and losing
someone who means a lot to us. Please be very careful that you don’t end up
regretting something you regret for a long time or the rest of your life. If
it’s a case they feel something for you but you not for them don’t lead them on
to think otherwise. Protect yourself from someone doing that to you as well.
What happens next? Where is it going? Where has it gone? May be you can think
about going two more dates before you talk about how you really feel for one
another. Be careful were you going now because most places are now very pricy. Treat one another but not too much because
everyone these days is in the same boat one way or another. Give and take is
important a relationship there should be 2 people spending the money not one.
The pictures
Theatre
out for dinner
the pub
Sex and Sexual
health awareness.
Fighting for rights for people with disabilities.
As people with disabilities our rights to lives are very limited in different
areas and way. Even though we understand that health and safety is for our own
good, society should give us the right support rather than putting us down.
Support should be given if when and where we need it. Sadly due to lack of
funding everything is possible. We should be able to be equal to other people.
Just like other people we have different skills and abilities to life. What is
different to other people that we all have different kinds of disabilities?
Some of us need more than others. Not everyone needs support in all the same
things. Every part of Britain has different kinds of support for different
kinds of people, depending what the British government spends money on, which
can be the silliest things at times.
Unknown History.
The big subject that has tended to be bloom and
gloom for everyone over the years is the word sex. Now Mencap is trying to open
news doors to help people with disabilities not be afraid to talk. It took
other people longer enough to feel they could talk about what they wanted to,
let alone people with disabilities. Majority of people born before me have
said. "I am think I was born under a gooseberry brush." Families were
very big for eg; my Nan was the oldest of eight children. Contraception was
never heard of let alone seen. Children were seen but not heard. People with
disabilities were not able to have sex at all. It may be a case that society
was that people with disabilities were not coping with children then they would
take the baby off them. It's still the case but as I say now that some people
are getting right support others are not. We hope one day there will be the
right support for people with disabilities all over the country for what they
need and want. I think sex was unknown for other people too really but big
families still came somehow. (How?) is any one's guess ha.
In my day as a young person with disabilities I
could only just understand what sex meant. I learned about contraception how it
stops you from getting pregnant, condoms stopping from having sexual deceases
for eg: Aids HIV as well as pregnancy. Majority of people with disabilities may
not know how to put a condom on. I know I don't, I always leave that to men but
I am scared that one day I will come across someone who does not know how to
put one on.
I remember been told due to my disability, I'd
have the baby taken off me, which was why I have always had to protect myself
from pregnancy by using contraception. Looking to the future of young people
with disabilities today. I'd like to see that they get the right support that I
did not get. In fact I did not get any support at all. This support should be
right to people's needs and wants. Due to money in the country, I guess it will
be very slow support for a lot of people.
Moving on to today's world and opening new
doors.
When it comes down to sexual health, everyone
seems to be aware of it in other people but we still need to raise awareness of
sexual health in people with disabilities. Majority of people with disabilities
have to cope with memory problems and lacking of understand, they may not
understand why they would need to use contraception or even condoms to protect
themselves from Sexual diseases. This is where we need more clear accessible
information for them to understand why this education is important for them to
learn. Why should people with disabilities be left behind any longer just
because we are slow learners? All we need is the right support.
Round about six months ago I wrote two reports
on this website about Sexual health. As we are all awareness Jade Goody died of
cervical cancer back in March this year and Freddie Mercury my favourite singer
died of Aids back in November 1991.
We all
know that those two famous people did not have disabilities but I would guess
they would have wanted to see people with disabilities get the support to keep
ourselves healthily and safe as much as other people. What I was saying in the
cervical cancer report is, it's every woman's nightmare to have Smear tests but
every woman understands it's for our own good.
The NHS and society are not aware of the
majority of woman who have been sexually abused or even raped.
Because
of damages pasts in people's bodies, majority of woman with and without
disabilities may be too frightened to have Smear tests. Before these woman are
rushed into to having Smear tests, they should be given time to explain their
worries, how they feel, needs, wants and etc. I understand what you are all
going through; I have been through these things myself that make me fear to
have Smear tests. If you have any views on this subject please post them to sarajgorman@gmail.com,
I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.
MORE DATING TIPS.
Many marriages can happen on line dating but its luck of the draw when
everything is new, it doesn't always work out. Without these cutbacks going on
in the country not all people with disabilities and health problems need to
depend on social events. Not many people with disabilities and health problem
go to the pubs but it’s the same for able people too when the price of beer
goes up. Without work, college, pubs and etc you haven't got any friends so
these days if you have access to a computer going on line is far too easy and
handy. The risk is even if the person you are chatting to has a picture, you
don't him or her as a person and they could say anything in writing. This is
why it's very important that websites are safe to use but that's not always the
case.
When you first start taking to them it's very easy to give the wrong messages
without thinking about it because it's all very new and you are so looking
forward to meeting them so be very careful what you say to people. You may find
that some people may think you are saying things far too soon and ask you if
you are sure of taking that step whatever it is but others may not respect you,
take on board what you say because that they want to take that step at that
point then hurt you. It can be very easy to make yourself without knowing it
very much misunderstood mainly when you have disabilities and health problems.
Speak to the person on the
phone first before you start dating them make he or she sounds genuine.
As much as you may like the person start it off
as a friend first, if you are both patience enough it could grow into a
relationship.
If someone is keen enough on you they will be
patience enough wait for you.
Be careful if your feelings are strong for one
another try to slow things down. Anyone who has been in love will say it's not
easy.
Try not to be too trusting be on your guide for
a long time mainly if you have been hurt in the past.
Make sure you have someone you know very well
going to the first date with you to see if the person is genuine.
Don't meet them alone unless you are happy to do
so, even if you have chatted to them a lot on line.
Take things slowly.
If you find yourself chatting to a person a lot,
it's surprising how close you get whether its friend or relationship even then
is on your guide.
Be careful because some people can say anything
in writing it doesn't always mean they are telling you the truth.
When enjoying someone's company so much it can
be hard to slow things down mainly if you are so keen on one another and
feelings are growing strong, sometimes it's too easy to get carried away then
it ends in tears.
If someone isn't patience with you, you need to
speak to them but don't put up with what you don't want to put up with however
you feel about them.
A person can appear very nice but then hide
their faults just to keep your company so just be aware that can happen.
Some people don't show their true colours for a
long time to come.
If someone is pushing you into something you
don't want stand up to them but think very carefully whether you want to carry
seeing them or not.
Don't push someone into
things they want to do either.
You much respect one another to whether you want
friendship or relationships.
If someone doesn't want to be more than friends
with you there's plenty more fish in the sea you can carry on looking on the
same other sites if you want but the person you chatted to you in the first
place might be a great mate to you.
Don't push him or her if they don't want
as much as what you do otherwise you could lose a very good mate.
Relationships can take a long time to build many
grow from long term friendships.
These friendships and relationships need to be
moving at the same pace so don't be pushed into a speed you don't want to be
in.
If you think him or her going too fast for you,
you need to speak to him or her.
You may need to think about other options or
whether or not you want to carry on seeing this person despite of how you may
feel about him or her.
Do not invite one another to one another’s'
homes until you have known one another a very long time so don't get out
addresses for very long time to come, if you do have mail to give one another
patience and respect is very important so wait until you see one another in
person until you give each or one another mail.
When giving one another's email address though
just make sure it's safe to do so.
Disability
dating.
When I was working for Royal Wolverhampton Mencap I
helped them set up a Speed dating project called Mates to Dates. It lasted for
about a year or two before it run out of funding. I will let you know what’s
been happening since I updated the Mates to Dates report on this website back
in 2009.
Transport became a big problem for a lot of people with
disabilities and health problems. For example; a lady who could manage the bus
buses tried to book Ring and Ride for 6pm back from the Lighthouse to her home
after speed dating but Ring and Ride could only pick her up at 7.00pm. Say if
she couldn't have managed the buses the staff would have had to wait with her for an hour for her safety for Ring and Ride to come and pick her up.
Mainly when you meet a person for the first time make
sure someone you know very well is with you.
A lot of social event are or and have cut back due to
funding. There’s a big worry that a lot of people are lacking friendships and
relationships due down very little money and many can’t get out without
support. Some people have had cut down how often they see their carer or
support worker or even stop their support altogether. Some people haven’t
even got family support. People with
disabilities and health problems should have the rights to live equal lives to
able people with the right support.
The fact that these cutbacks are happening there are
worries that a lot of people with disabilities and health problems are going
online to find friendships and relationships, which is alright in one way but
not in another. It’s can be very riskily online because you can’t see the
person you are chatting to but then you can’t live your life in cotton wool
because of it. There needs to be a balance between safety and being
independent.
