Tuesday, 5 July 2016

1996 to 2016 Poetry part 11.



 Faith in people.

Anything is possible in life, if you have faith in people.
If you have faith in people they find it easy to have faith in them.
This means believing in them.
If you bring people down all the time, they will bring themselves down all the time.
People will think badly of themselves all the time.
There's good and bad in everyone in everything about them.
No one needs to be reminded of the negative side of life when it is facing them without anything being said?
Life is stress enough without being reminded about the negative all the time.
We need to be reminded more of the positive side of life to keep and feel strong in ourselves to cope with the negative. 27.4.2014


  when you’re disabled.

When you’re disabled it's as if society treats you as if you are no one.
You are looked down on as hard work and costing too much money.
It's as if the whole world is against you but not everyone is.
It seems as if everyone is blaming you for being disabled and ill as well as been born.
It's as if everyone thinks negative of you but not everyone does.
Some people wrap you up in cotton wool but others put you in situations you can't manage.
Most people treat you as if you don't want to do anything but there are many people with nothing wrong with them who don't want to do anything at all.
There's so much misunderstanding in this world. 27.4.2014

I will still be here.

I know it's hard to explain because I will see you even though you won't see me.
I will still be here but I know it won't be the same for you.
I don't want to leave you I really don't.
If I am taken from this world, it will be no choice of my own.
I may not be moving around but I will be there in your history and memory.
Love you so much and always will.
Never say never because no one knows for sure what will happen.
 1st June 2014



 Can't believe you’re gone.

Here I am still writing this poem about you.
Even though I
 knew you were unwell, I still can't believe you've gone.
Even though I didn't see a lot of you through our adulthood, I can believe I won't ever see you again.
I only wish we saw each as much as adults as we did as kids.
It just shows you learn life is far too short yet when you’re a kid, you think you have got all the time in the world just like we did.
We had always been friends and we always will be even though you have gone.
Molly my longest friend ever since I was very young.
We went to school together when we were so small and so young.
We are the age as each but I can't believe we won't see each other anymore.
I can't believe I knew you for forty years then suddenly you have gone.
To me there's no friend like you, Molly.
The friend  who carried my clothes out of school in the hot summer of  1976, when I thoughtlessly took my clothes off at the age of six and a half. 30.6.2014


I thought I knew him.

There was nothing good about him when I think about it now even though at the time I thought he was wonderful.
Now I realize how wrong I was to get with the wrong sort yet it felt so right at the time.
I was waiting and hoping for too much at that time, it did me no good.
When I think about it now I shouldn't have fallen for him at all.
My feelings were far too strong to say no and walk away.
Yet now I feel nothing for him at all.
I thought I understood him but I didn't yet I loved him so much at the time.
I thought he was so good at the time but he wasn't, our love was so blind.
I thought he would be always being mine.
Twice he walked out my life.
 Over the years he played games and messed up my mind.
Yet I wrongly thought everything was fine.
I was so madly in love with him at the time.
No one in your life is forever.
No one completely loves you.
I was so young then love was blind.
It was such madness that he never knew whether he loved me or not but I got fed up of that in the end.
In this life there's no warning of the human mind.
There's no warning when love starts.
Unknown is finding out for one's self.
Nothing led me to fall for him other than love.
I only wish I hadn't of loved him so much.
For a long time we were falling apart but I was too blind to see.
Now after a long time I have learned to build back up that love and trust to love someone else.
My love now like my love before is so unknown, I'm yet to find out even though I love him so much.30.6.2014



 I never wanted things to end how they did.

Sorry to hurt you as I did what I had to do not what I wanted to.
You may not believe this but I didn't want it to end this way.
In fact I didn't see this coming myself.
I didn't want us to have an on and off relationship.

I am not saying it would have been an on and off relationship but I’m worried just in case.
I know we have our rough patches and problems that which hasn't been either of our faults.
This hurts so much, to be truly honest I have never had to anything like this with anyone before, why with the man I love so much?
I understand due to my worry and Anxiety if I misunderstood what you said, I’m so sorry even more so if that has happened.
I did what seemed right otherwise it would have been all playing on my mind all the time.
I decided to end the contact with you because I love you too much to just stay friends but then it’s hard me to end the contacts all together so maybe we could email instead to see what the future brings.

All the same I have not deleted any of your contacts, I will never do that even though I said to stop contacting.
I know and even though it doesn't make sense that prove that I didn't want to end the contacts and it proves I don't hate you and never did and never will.
This is really hard because I don't want to mess you about because I know what feels like because I have been there myself before I met you.


I only wish there was a way we could work these things out.


You might not think it  but I have hurt myself as well I am even more hurt that I have had to hurt you and we both have to get use to this, which I know very is hard so please don't think I am not hurt too.
Like I said down the phone on Monday I don't hate you at all in fact far the opposite.
Naturally we wanted a future together and to get serious. Nothing I wanted more than to make a big happy difference your life and mine.

I Know I have said many things to you in the past but they are things I wanted as well as you and it took me this long to realized if we hadn't had what we hoped we could have upset about it.
 am very sorry that I am at fault for not working this out in the first place but when you are in love and want to be with being with a person I still with you, it's too easy to hope for too much.

I suppose we could carry on emailing each other and see what happens. If it doesn't turn out to what I'm worrying about then may we go back slowly or contacts we had in the first place.

Like your contacts I have will never be deleted. May be it will help to accept things either at least me anyway meaning friends or relationship.

I don't disrespect to you.
Don't get me wrong.
I understand things you say on the phone there are things I don't so at least in we are emailing there's fair chance, I will understand everything say and mean.
Hopefully it will help us contact each other the ways we
Used to.

Don't think that I don't know what you're going through because I am going through it too.
I have there before I met you. I am so sorry I had to do this and I know saying or anything that would have would have things.


There can be a big difference between what we want and what the right thing to do is.

I had to do this because we were getting more and closer to you.
Yes I really wanted us to get closer to you but we live too far away from each other.


Like I said in the texts on Sunday night despite of everything going on, I did mean that I am very grateful for the time we had together and the things you bought me I would have never except, I still see myself as the luckiest woman out.
Well I hope to hear from you by email soon whenever you get time and if you want to, I think we should let the relationship come back naturally if it's going. As play writer William Shake peace used to say, to be or not to that is the question. Well what is the answer to the question? My answer is,  If it's to be it will be if it's not to be it won' be.
Without realizing and without meaning I guess hoped too much too quickly.
Let's have slow contact like email to start with and see how that goes and if it goes OK then may be texting then phoning then may be back online like we used to but that's up to you as well as me.   2.8.2014


Answers to your possible questions.

You must be wondering why I walked away from you when I love you so much.
Naturally I didn't want to walk away from you.
You must think I am reacting as if nothing has happened.
You may think I have no care in the world.
I don't expect you to believe me but I'm as hurt as you.
I really didn't want to upset you and I'll upset myself too.
I never planned this to happen and I didn't see it coming to us.
There was nothing more than I want us to last.
Many other things I wouldn't have stepped in the way but my Anxiety got the better of me not over you but our situations with other parts of our lives.
I couldn't live with not knowing what the future holds, even though no one knows.
Without letting anyone control our lives, people do have the right point of saying that it's hard for us to have a relationship when we live so far away from each other.
Despite of us living so far away I wouldn't have thought my feelings would be too strong for friendship, which is why I said to end the contacts.
As much as there's no rush to get together, with us being so busy in our lives could delay for us to get our relationship together.
Yes I should have realized it in the first place but I loved you too much and always will.
Sorry I am to blame but then I shouldn't be to blame for loving you, there's no answer to that is there?
I'm so sorry I should have seen it coming.
Even though we weren't excepting to live together, I should have know it's hard but then my feelings towards you wouldn't let me accept that, no I have to fight it before it's too late.
Despite of my feelings being too strong for me to be your friend, I will still have email contact with you and let the future happen naturally however it's going to happen. 3.8.2014

  
 should have known from the start.


Your reasons for our break up me know and understand now.
We don’t need to go over those reasons now I know and understand.
It’s great to know we may have parted but we are still great friends all the same.
Life is too short to end our friendship when we have no reason to fall out altogether not that we ever did.
I went online to try to make new friends, little did I know I was going fall in love yet again.
That doesn't mean I’m going to shut you out of my life.
That doesn't mean I don’t love and care about you anymore.
I’m moving on from the life I can’t have. 16.10.2012 – 8.8.2014


I am what I am and who I am.
What I am and I am who I am.
If you don't like who and of what you see of me then leave me be.
May be able I change some of the person I am in me.
One thing I can’t change is my disability and health problems.
Not that all the person what and who I am is all because of my disabilities and health problems.
I have to learn to not to care what people think and say, which isn't always easy.
I even get things wrong too; I may misunderstand what you think about me.
I may not speak because I'm scared of saying and doing the wrong things to your mind, it won't mean what it seems.
Sorry if I seem rude to you this is what I don’t mean to be.
The world is too big for me and too many people; this is where I find it hard to communicate towards this big world of people.
My problem is finding it hard cope with too many things at once. 3. 1. 2012 – 20.8.2014


No Matter hard I try.
No matter how hard I try nothing seems to be right.
If only I could fall in love with a person who right for me.
I have fallen in love too many wrong men.
People say the one I’m with now isn't right for me but they may be right but I can’t help the way I feel about him and another ex of mine.
I will make up my mind even if it kills me, no way am I cheating and lying to anyone, even if either one or both have done the dirty on me.
Somehow my break ups of relationships tend to turn out to be dangerous in the end.
For a lot of years I have been in love with a man who plays mind games which does my head in.
One minute he loves me and the next minute he does not.
If only I didn't love him so much.

I am not the woman I used to be or the woman I would like to be.
I intend to be faithful that's why I can't cope when I have strong feelings for two people.
I never thought my feelings would make life so hard.
I hate putting myself in the wrong, when life puts on the hard spot.
Love can be a dangerous game to play.

I either have too much choice or no choice at all.
It's a good job I only have the choice of two of you but that's hard enough to make to choose.

The hardest thing is that I going to have hurt one them because they both in love with me too.
The trouble is I don’t want to hurt either of them.

The trouble is I don't want to hurt either of them.
I have never felt so guilty in my life.
 I hate putting myself in the wrong, when life puts me on the hard spot.
Love can be a dangerous game to play.
I either have too much choice or no choice at all.
It's a good job I only have the choice of two of you but that's hard enough to make that choose. 1.6.2004 – 21.8 2014


I never thought I'd feel for you like I do now.

I loved you so much for so many years that in end hurt so much.
Isn't strange that years later I learned not to love you at all?
Isn't strange you had you made out loved me then you didn't but then I don't think you loved me at all?
Years down the line I force myself to walk away without realizing one day would stop loving you but then you wanted me back again.
For quite years now I feel nothing for you but anger.
I feel so much anger for you inside from someone who loved you so much.
What you put I though cut me up so much inside.
To think I put up with all your promises, cheating and lies, how I was so blind.
My big problem was I loved and forgave you so much until I had such enough.
For quite a few years now enough is enough until now I can this is the complete end for us but only my anger for cuts me up like a knife. 7.10.2014



You are no money man.

Who’s that guy walking down the street?
This guy is you, you who don't need the world to keep me happy, I just want you.
You don't show off with your hands in your pockets.
You haven't got crocadrio feet.
He must be coming home from work.
You never make any noise about playing with yours toys.
You’re my man you’re no boy.
I just love your curls.
You are no money man meaning you don't need money to keep me happy.
 I don't want your money I want your love.
You never drink beer so you never give me any tears.
I'm not just anyone's, I'm yours.
I love you I know you won't mess my mind about.

I except love back but I know you don't give me no crap my chap.
Your a good lad you don't mess with my head and you don't just think about getting me into bed.
I don't want your money; I just want your love.
I want us to dance and have a romance.

This is your only chance man.
Timmy tells the DJ we want to dance to a good song.
You don't need your teeth to smile.
It doesn't matter if our love takes quite a while, I just love you style.
No money man can win my love.
No money matters at all only love.
No one else will take your place.
Who cares what people think of my taste, I love you that are all that counts?
Time apart brings tears to my eyes.
You’re always on my mind.
Now my love for you is getting stronger by the time. 14.10.2014


Learning to believe in you.

Take me as I am or don't take me at all!
Love me as a person or don't love me at all!
Be what and who you want before you go there!
There are times that the truth hurts but lies hurt even more.
Learn to have love and faith in yourself before love and expect someone else to have love and trust in you!
Learning how to love and trust in you may sound big headed but there's nothing like being sure of yourself first.
If you can't have faith, love and trust in yourself then be honest with yourself not to have others in your life at all.
For those of you who have hurt people, now does the truth hurt?
Those of us who believe in ourselves learn to love and trust others and we rid of those who have let us down.
It's far too easy for us to blame ourselves when we are hurt.
We are all only human we all make mistakes.
Its takes two to tango the blame isn't all on one person.
The most blame is on the person who hurt you and let you go.
You are so much better than they are and there is 
someone out there for you so much better than what they were.
You just need to stop taking too much of the blame when you are mostly not to blame.
You can’t change what’s happened but you can improve what’s going to happen.
Believe yourself otherwise you will doubt yourself all the while.
Don’t take the pain out on yourself and the person who you love now!
Don't take out on others what you have been through but then time to take care of yourself now then once you have faith, love and trust in yourself then move on!

Don't bring yourself down to the person who has hurt you for you to hurt someone else, which everyone knows is so easy to do without knowing it but in time think about it then you start blaming yourself so don't give yourself any reason to do!
I'm telling myself as well as telling you, those of us who have been hurt we need to tell ourselves we are mostly not to blame because the main blame is on the losers, we are not.
We showed them love but they didn't know what love is but that's not our fault.
They led us on instead of them not been honest with us and not telling us they aren't interested, they had a relationship with us that lived a lie because they didn't love us.
It may have disappointed us that they didn't feel the same way as us at the time but at least it would have been the truth.
To learn to love you before loving yourself is the best love of all.
To have faith, love and trust in yourself then you will have the same for your partner.
You can balance between being yourself not being headed because why beat yourself up over things that are not all your fault even though they seem like they are?
Most people like to get in your life to rib your heart apart to a point they want to blame you, don't let them!
Building faith, love and trust again is so hard to a point we can lose our self belief it's not easy I know but let's not let it! 30.10.2014 - 8.11.2014


Whatever the choice.


There's no way of getting it right first time.
Even if feels right it not always is yet if it feels wrong it could be right.
Rightly or wrongly you can never please anyone, very often in the end you can't please yourself.
Things aren't always at the end as they are at the start.
Very few of us get it right first time but others just sail through life.
Those who are out there to look out for us but life are just a game of chance.
Yet there's no chance really life so why we here?
There are so many questions that are unknown.
The reasons are unknown to how the world around and how we all came about.
Life is known to try us to see what happens.
It's unknown unless we try yet we can't try all.
Where does it all come from?
What is life all about?
Some luck comes to others but others it doesn't.
Everything is different in different ways, how boring it would be if it was all the same. 30.10.2014 - 8.11.2014

Changes in school.

In my day kids were scared of the teachers now the teachers are scared of the kids.
        Kids should be learning education not murder; no kid should bring knives to school!
        When I was in school, you would get the stick whether you were clever or thick.
   or I must not do but them no which would have got me into worse trouble.
          You don't have to hit a child to teach them right from wrong just get them to write I must do or must not do until they understand the reason why or reasons why not.
        No please in the teachers whether you can learn easily or not.

        Today and even yesterday very few people take and took a lot of passion in their career for most people it seems mostly about the money.
        If I was a teacher I would have been pleased with myself as well as the learners to see that I have taught that people whatever it is.
There's no sense in giving a person a hard time when they have a skill or and talent to share.
         No person disservices a hard time even if there know nothing at all, why show them up in front of the rest of the class?


         There shouldn't be a big deal whether someone is very or not very bright.

I don't believe in beating or abuse but every kid should learn right from wrong. 


        Stop the bullying and stop the abuse, just keep away from another if you can't get on!
        Stop sending nasty texts to one another in school! 30.10.2014 - 8.11.2014


 Nothing and no one is stopping me.

I will do everything I can to be with you.
Nothing and no one will come between us.
To me you are a lot more than just my friend I love you so much.
I would like to show you how much you really mean to me.
If only I could show you how much I love you in private.
I will find a way to see you nothing and no one will stop me and take me away from you.
I will find a way even if I have to find myself doing so.
All being well if spring and summer is warm then you could have a day visit my home; just let the winter come and go.

I will do anything possible to get to you.

I don’t want to force anything onto you.
Yes I would love a proper relationship with you.
Making love is not important but can be part of the relationship if we decide to.
There’s no harm to making love it just needs protection.

Wanting to be together is more important.
Wanting each other for each other is important not what we can get out of each other.
You’re just on my mind all the time 24 hours a day. 12.11.2014

Leave my mind alone.

Leave my mind alone, I don't love you anymore.
Now I love someone else so much better, you have left my life so leave my mind.
You have only left my life because I have walked out of yours.
I have walked out your life for good because you want me more than just friends but then no you want to hurt me again.
I won't let you hurt me again because I won't be in your life.

I'm not walking back in your life again, no way.
All I have left from you is anger and pain.
You are like poison floating through my mind.
Now I have walked away from your game of cat and mouse.
Whatever I wanted you wanted the opposite so I learned you played childish games.
I was far too blind at the time to see that you were playing with my mind.
You are like a silly boy child who has never grown up.

At the time all I could think about is how much I love you but then in the end you hurt me far too much to carry staying with you for the rest of life yet you were everything I hoped for not I don't want anymore.

 Yet it's hard to believe that love I have for you for so long has grown into so much hate. 11. 11.14


Miss you every day.

Miss you each and every day in each and every way.
My world is empty without you even though I have never spent a lot of time with you.
There never seems to be a change but May change is just round the condor.
I will never give up on you unless you give up on me.
No sun ever suns on me.
Unless you’re with me there's not a moment I don't wish you were by side.
Only time will tell when we see each other again.
Until then we carry on emailing, face booking, phoning and texting.
Look forward to our time together whenever that time comes.
However long or short time is some time better than no time at all. 12.11.14

 If only I didn't see you.

I walked along the road to wait at the bus stop, there you were.
Why did I see you?
You are strange, I don't know you anymore and I don't want to know you anymore.
You say hello you never say goodbye so why speak at all?
We just happened to see each other at the bus stop that's all.
You said everything on an off the bus then you end up saying nothing at all.
I lost my ring off the person I love now but then I found it in the freezer.
I walked along the road, there you were, you ugly mug at the bus stop.

Why do I still feel as if I'm still a victim of you?
Why do you talk to me at all as if nothing happened at all?
Why do you talk to me as if you want to when you know you don't?
You know full well that I don't want anything to do with you anymore otherwise you wouldn't want anything to do with me at all.
Can't you see you have put me through enough pain?
Can't you see my love for you is through? 12. 11. 14

 Never think.

Never think that I don't think about you because I do.
Don't think I miss what we had together because I do.
Don't think I don't accept the fact we can't have it back.
Don't think I'm not cheating on the man I love for anyone because I'm not.
I have never cheated on you, him or anyone.
Don't think I hate you because I don't.
I know nothing would have made any difference to both of us whether I loved again or not.
If you have met happiness again I will never take that away from you like you wouldn't take my happiness away from me.
Yes I know it's sad that situations weren't right for us so we never really had chance to find out whether or not we could have been happy together, sadly that's one thing we have to accept that we will not be able to know.
We never hurt one another but we were both disappointed to lose one another but it never stopped us from been friends together, one good thing is but strangely the hardest thing is for me to hate you.
None of this easy for us both,
 we both did what we had to do not what we wanted to do.
Really truly speaking we never had the chance to really try between us.
It was one thing that ended without pain but disappointment.
The good thing was we didn't fall out.
I may be I still loved you but we can't mend what's been broken.
My feelings are no different than before but I accept that no matter what I will never be able to have back what we had before.
I wasn't looking for love it just happened 
but then it would have made no difference to us whether it happened or not.
You and I have nothing to hide whatever happened ended before I found love in someone else.
There is no difference between the two of you but sooner or later I needed to move on.
I had enough of waiting around for the love before you,
 all he could do was love me then dump me again,
 not that I thought that you'd do that to me but I knew that we would never have back what we had before.
Nothing would have changed between
 us so things wouldn't have come back like
 they used to that I knew I had to accept
 well we both did, not that I needed to
 love someone else to accept that, that love just happened. 12.11.2014
 You don't have to answer me.

Despite of how you feel you don't have to answer to me.
If there's someone else in your life then I'm happy for you as much as you’re happy for me with my happiness.
All the same it doesn't mean I don't feel anything for you
 but I can cope with that without letting it come between the loves I have now.
Always remember I'm not a person to play and cheat on someone, I never did it to you did I?
I will never play or cheat on him.

All the same I'm glad to say that I and you didn't slit on bad terms.
Nothing lasts forever but somehow I fell for you.
You may not be in my life anymore but you were nowhere
 near the worst man I had but then for you I guess I wasn't best woman you ever had yet.
You gave me a memory that I never ever forget.
It wasn't only about my feelings but you’re too.
This love was the only love that ended so different to the rest.
I kind of knew one day sooner or later you'd leave me someday
 so I thought to myself sooner or later I need to make a life on my own.
Despite of how I felt about you I knew I had to be strong.
I never give you up in my mind, you never pass my thoughts.
Never mind we tried failed but not completely hate one another I'm so glad to say.
It's so strange that life is so unknown to start off with.
I guess if we knew everything it would never be a shock or surprise.12. 11.2014

I'm no more your lover or victim.

First of all I was born to be your victim of love.
I fell for your love so many times but not anymore.
So many times you left me in the dark,
 not really knowing how I really felt for you, knowing I foolishly loved you so much. 

I never had any luck when it came to love.
Now I have learned how to get by with or without love.
Even though I have moved on to what I was I'm still not 100 percent in myself.

I took so much pain and stress from you, shame on you.
Now my life is moving forward not backwards.
Now I have learned to put the fault mostly on you not myself.

Don’t try to get back to me, I'm having no more.
No more of your mind games.
No more of your lies.
Stop messing and playing with my mind!

You may have made me a broke woman but I'm fixing
 myself now with or without any man's love.
I feel nothing for you but anger.
I don't loss sleep or waste a tear over you no more.

I'm more your lover.
I've no more your victim.
In the end I found myself keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself in order to stop loving you.
I gave you all the love I could but what I could give you was never enough for you.

Now this is the complete end of you and me. there's no going or looking back.
Our love was a big mistake and you led me a lie from start to finish.
There was no love from you to me even though there was from to you.
I lived 13 and a half years in your lies.
Now I'm with someone new there's nothing you can do.

You ripped my heart in half until we completely parted,
 this was happening from the very start but I was far to blind to see what was a head of me.
You thrown our love away yet again I was to blind to see what was going to happen to me.
It's far too late now the damage is already done, you can't mend what you broke.
You can't touch anything or anybody without breaking somebody or something.

You may have left my life now you need to leave my mind.
I did everything I could to show you my love.
Now enough is enough.
My love for you was so strong that in the end ran out for you.
I'm losing no more sleep over you.
I'm wasting no more tears over you.
Now I'm with someone new there's nothing you can do.
Now you have lost me for good, you should have loved me while you had the chance. 19.11.2014



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