Sara's poetry page 2

 Everyone is looking at me.

I can only guess what you all think.
I seem but not look very different to you.
Most may think I have gone mad.
Others may see me as their best friend.
Others just think I'm ok.
I don't mean to be the person I appear to be.
I mean to sound rude or not interested in what's going on around me.
What I do and say may be hard to understand for you even though I don't mean to be the person you see.
Sorry if I seem nuts, which may not seem very human  

to you.
I seem stub, dumb and thick to a lot of people but I'm not.
If you don't know me it's hard to understand me.
It can take a long time to get to know me.
Sometimes I can shy away in case I'm misunderstood as a human being.
I'm having to learn not to care what people think and say, which isn't always easy.
I even get things wrong too, I may misunderstand what you think about me.
I may not speak because I'm scared of saying and doing the wrong things to your mind, it won't mean that I mean to be rude towards you.
The world is too big for me and too many people, this is where I find it hard to communicate in any way at all towards them.
My problem is finding it hard to cope with too many things at once. 

When I feel anger.

 

When I feel anger, I do not want to live anymore.

When I feel anger, I feel stress and tense.

There are too many thoughts going through my head.

Poetry is the one for keeping me sane.

Do not know why to get angry and depression for no reason at times but most the time there are reasons.

I need to stop doing and saying things I could regret.

It is all in the mind.

It is unknown thinking about what we are going to think.

Most thoughts seem odd and others unknown.

Not always easy for one’s self to make themselves understood.

Feelings as well as thoughts unknown.

There are times there are no thoughts at all.

What a boring world it would be if it were all the same.

no more tears to cry.

No more tears to cry but sadness is still here.
It was all so long ago.
Nothing was ever done because it was understood or believed.
Pain is unknown whether I like it not.
Even now no one understands or believes me.
I find it hard to talk about it even now.
I may not be crying on the outside but I am crying on the inside.
I am smiling on the outside but feeling pain on the inside.
I used to find it hard to sleep in fear of seeing one of you, a few of you, or even more.
Now, none of you bother me at all.
You have all been here far too long to stay.
My mind is just wondering away thoughts.
I find that I am believing in myself at last.
When I have been through this pain so long nothing is new to me.

The thoughts have been inside my head far too long.
The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

new to me.
The thoughts have been inside my head far too long.
The grass is always greener on the other side.

Just get on with it!

How do I get through every day, I don't know.
There must walk around as if nothing has happened.
No one knows what one another is thinking.
I don't shut myself away from the world because life is for living that's what you born for.
I just get on with life, I have never known anything else.
More than 30 years on since the first one, they have still got away with it just because I been just a child and having learning disabilities.
No good talking about it whatever I say nothing gets done.

The present is here yesterday has gone let's live for 

today.
Tomorrow is unknown.
Time to move on.
The pain has gone on far too long to hurt me anymore.
I was far too young to tell anyone.
Far too young to know what was going on.
Too young to understand.
Too young to be understood.
Even now over 40, my words just can't speak. 

What is on your mind?

Feel free to say what is on your mind at this time.

Just say anything whether it is happy or sad.

You do not need to say the things what is private to you.

The choice is yours, but I would advise you not to let things build up.

Communication is a good thing because one never knows how others may reply.

The unknown is whether or not other’s information is going to be helpful to you.

Some people do not communicate at all.

Mark David Chapman.

What was on his mind to murder a famous ex Beatles star, John Lennon.

You cannot mend what is broken.

Saying sorry is not going to mend the damage.

John has long gone to heaven.

Many have heard it was because John believed in Jesus Christ but that was no reason it to happen, so what if he did.

There could be unanswered questions that will never be answered.

This is a very tricky subject as many say Mark David Chapman had Mental health problems and it is unknown whether or not he was aware of his own actions, nevertheless he took John’s life.

Maybe Mark was aware of his own actions and something in his mind telling him to kill John so what and why?

John wanted peace and not war, yet many saw it as he wanted it the other the way around, maybe Mark might have one of them but maybe we do not know for sure.

Many have said Mark read J.D Salinger’s Captcha A Rye, which there must have been something in there to encourage him to do so but no reason to do so, therefore I would have thought he must have been aware of what he was doing.

However,’ many say he was a fan of John Lennon and that he was Schizoaffective or Schizophrenia, so all is unknown.

I was eleven years of age when John Lennon, came to school I think it was Tuesday Morning from my schoolteacher telling all the class on the 9^th December 1980, I was totally speechless for an hour, it was shocking.

 

What were you thinking Mark?

Do you believe that Christ will come back to life, even so you should not have done what you have done, Mark?

You may not be alive but you will be always on our minds, John.

If we really can't cope with what we hear or see or even both in many cases can be, then just walk away.

Help is better out there than it used to be, now there's counseling out there, there never used to be any help at all but we still have a long way to go.

The world is a strange place.

The world is strange as you and me, it has good and bad.

How we face the world isn't the same.

Life is what we make it.

We are the people who live in this world.

The world isn't the problem it's us in it.
The main thing is how we are to one another.

There are a lot of thought we need to keep to ourselves.

At times it all gets too much.

No one is going to help us unless we help ourselves.

We need to find ways of not letting the bad in life play with our minds.

We must think about good things in life.

Clear the bad things out of our minds.

The good may be hard to think about.

For me writing poetry helps me get on with my life by writing all my thoughts down on paper out my mind.

 

Drawing, painting, and exercise biking riding is also exceptionally a good cure for me.

Anxiety is not the only reason for doing these things, enjoyment comes into it too.

Every day.

I miss you every day.

My world is empty without you.

Nothing seems to change but I accept it because I think so much of you.

I don't think I will ever give on you unless you give up me.

When the sun shines it doesn't shine unless I'm with you.

There's not a moment that I'm not wishing I was with you.

Holding me all night until the morning light.

The good may be hard to think about with the very little time we spend together.

Hopefully, that little time we get together will help us to be together longer than if we spent a lot of time together.

I will just do my best to clear the bad out of my mind by writing poetry.

I never know when to text or call in case I contact you at the wrong moment.

However long or short our time together is better than nothing at all.

Open up your mind.

If you feel as if something should be said then say it.

Don't be scared, don't be shy just open your mind.

Some people feel as if they don't want to talk about sad things but they feel as they need to.

Please give their own time when things are to talk that they want or and need to said mainly when it's sad things.


Some things are hard to talk about but better off not talking about in a lot of people's minds.

 

January blues.
January skies are dull not blue, but all feel a bit sad and blue in January.

 I felt low before, during, and after Christmas.
Everyone feels low this time of year.
Wintertime is a time of breakups, which makes you feel the January blues more.
I've cried so many times over the years over breakups, I have no tears to cry anymore.

 I have eaten too much over Christmas and stuff in January.

Now I show my emotions by eating less and less instead.
People are slowly going back to work.
In time I know I need to get myself together to face the busy world yet again.

What is wrong?

I felt unwell for no reason.
The headaches were too much.
I wasn't even drinking much if not at all that point but I felt as if I was.
The room was moving around as if I was on drink and drugs.
I could handy open my eyes it was as if I was blind but I wasn't going into sleep.
I was fully aware of what was going on around me.
Yet I was shaking and feeling dizzy but then I was still getting around.
Was it a sheer panic attack, fit or both.
I am unknown to whether not I have taking the right medication and dose for the past twelve years Lamotrigine 25 mg and 50 mg.
Now the side effects are just too much I have told my GP but she still tells me to carry on taking them. 

Side effects in my head.

Headaches and dizziness are due to my med.
Don’t tell me that my Anxiety and depression is all in my head caused by the med.
I have always had Anxiety and depression anyway even without the med.
Feeling sleepy and drowsy but not been able to sleep doesn't make sense in my head.
Feeling clumsy on my legs and not be able to do too many things at once which I have never been able to do anyway.
Up and down to the toilet like a jack in the box with stomach upset.
Feeling irritability and the thoughts of taking my own life gets worse.
It's only the people who love me and I love are keeping me here.
Eye movements raid and uncontrolled.

Dry mouth, overtired, and not been able to sleep.
Pain in back and joints. 

Feeling low.

Low in the mood.
Feeling sad.
Low self-esteem.
No get up and go.
Feeling guilty about everything as if everything is my fault for what goes wrong in the world.
Feeling irritated and intolerant towards people or is all of this in my head?
No motivation or interest in anything I am interested in but I am trying to fight it through.
I find it hard to make decisions.
I find it hard to enjoy life whatever I do.
I find it hard to want to carry on living.
I feel anxious and worried about whether I have a reason to be or not.

I keep having suicidal thoughts which I am trying to knock it on the head.
My mind is thinking 24.7.
I even keep falling out with myself in my head.
It's like everything is my fault so I tell myself off all the while. 

I have lost my mind.

Many times I have lost my mind.

My mind is thinking of nonstop rubbish 24.7.

I am not thinking straight at all.

It is a feeling as if life is not worth living anymore.

I have energy, no get up, and go.

 

It is probably not as bad as it seems.

 

I panic too much because I worry too easily.

In my head, nothing seems to make any sense.

I fear the worst even if I do not have anything to worry about.

Anxiety is not easy to explain to those who do not face it.

The same with someone who suffers from Depression to someone who does not.

Its hard to understand Depression and Anxiety happening to someone without a reason to those who do not face it because it is a feeling of sadness and anger for no reason.

You cannot plan how you are going to be one minute, hour, second, night, etc to the next. 

Depression and Anxiety are part of those who face it.

You cannot say when you are going to feel sad and blue.

These things happen when they want to.

Mountain out of a mole hill.

 

Fear can be what you see in your mind.

Sometimes things do not turn out as bad as it seems.

We are so misunderstood but even we know that the world is not all black and white.

Just because we may smile does not necessarily mean we feel happy inside.

Fear of taking one’s life can be a feeling of sadness even though some people do take their own lives and others do not.

Some of us find a way to cope and manage.

Never judge what you do not understand we are not ungrateful or selfish, we are dealing with our pain and or emotions, which is where we need your help to be sane.

We understand some problems, conditions are more serious than others, which is not as easy as your safety matters as well as ours in which case send us onto those who can deal with us if you cannot.

What may seem like a small problem to you can be huge to us, which may be why most of us worry probably more so than we should.