MOSTLY VALENTINE POETRY 2009 - 2010.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?

I once thought you loved me, how wrong and blind was I, thinking about it, I don't think you ever loved me at all.
You cut me up into pieces like a razor blade going through me, until you made me bleed.
You made it hard for me to love someone else but you don't stop my life anymore.
I should be used to you being unkind to me by now.
I have been there before you hurt me so bad.
I won't let you hurt me anymore.
This time Ant, I have put a brave face on.
Now it's time to get rid of that pain and anger inside me. 10.7.2009

I HOPE I WON'T GO BACK TO BEING LIKE I WAS AT THE AGE OF 27 IN 1997.

I am nearly 40 now; I should be a stronger woman now not weak like I was at the age of 27.
I am trying to stop myself from being as bad as I was 13 yrs ago.
I shouldn't have let you get to me, how mad it was me having a breakdown just over you having gone off with another woman.
I mustn't drink heavy like I did then.
We are over for good this time, there will never ever be a next time.
When I feel bad I must write things down poetry instead of breaking down.
In my body and mind I must be strong.
I mustn't feel depressed or angry because of you. 10.7.2009

No MAN IS DRIVING ME MAD.

No man is driving me to drink.
No man is driving me to cry, I have ran out of tears to cry.
No man is driving me to end my life.
I will get through pain somehow and someway.
Last time you hurt me, I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel then things got better.
Now I believe things will get better again one day I will see a bright light again. 10.7.2010

YOUR TURN WILL COME.

I am so glad to have a great friend in you through good and bad times.
The way I am feeling at the moment, I am not myself.
It would not be fair to put my pain on to you.
I miss you so much but I am glad of the space we apart with the way I am in myself right now. I need to get myself right again, I have done before, and I will do it again.
I will spend as much time as I have writing about how I feel about you. 10.7.2009


JOHN KEATS.

John Keats was the first poet I came across who made me want to write poetry in 1997 at the age of 27.
I don't think I would have got over my break down with learning from John Keats' work, he taught me so much about poetry.
I thought I was alone in the world, I never thought that Keats had been through the same as me.
I read one of his words but I came out with a thousand words, at least it felt like it.
Drinking heavy is not the answer; your problems are still there the next day.
At the time I was very young but not very strong.
I opened the poetry book of John Keats; it was as if he died for me after he had broken down relationships too.
Time is a good healer and writing poetry helps too.
Not that we except every person to be affected the same to heart ache and pain, it would be boring if we were all the same. 10.7.2009

GETTING OLDER.

Getting older is getting wiser.
We should be strong enough to cope with life's ups and downs.
We should cope different to what we did when we were young.
It's the states of our minds. 10.7.2009

LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING.

Looks are not everything in a person.
We were born to be what and who we are.
The way we think as human beings is the main thing.
We all cope with life in different ways but my way is poetry.
We all suffer angry and depression in different ways, my way is finding it hard accept pain but poetry is my way of writing it down how I feel inside without breaking down . 10.7.2009


HAVING MEETINGS.

Most people say meetings are boring just like many say poetry is boring.
Nothing is boring if you don't make it boring.
You speak in meetings like poetry is writing words.
Poetry is a way of the poets writing what goes through the poet's mind.
This works or work the way in meetings, the chance people to say goes through their minds. 
The idea of meetings is to try and make things better.
In my job it's about giving people with disabilities our rights. 10.7.2009

YOU’RE BACK IN TOWN.

You’re back in town, that's alright as long as you look after your Mum more as she's not well.
I don't hate you but I don't love you anymore.
I don't I miss you; we had friendship in the end.
If I am honest I am scared that I may fall back in love with you but I don't want to.
You have dropped me down and picked me back up again so many times over the years.
Enough is enough, I can't take no more.
I don't know what I'd say to you now I have not seen you for over a mouth. 
Who would have thought that we had spent so much time together in fact too much time together, that our love has just died apart. 
I bet you never thought I would leave you like I did, did you?
I never thought I'd walk away from you but it's the best thing I ever done.
You just didn't know or understand how much I really loved you, even though I told you a thousand and one times.
Whether you know and understand now how strong I loved you, it's now far too late; I don't that way about you anymore.
It's only your own fault, you have believed and that I loved, I spend enough time with you for you to know how I felt about you.
I am not a bouncing ball you can throw around and pick up when you feel like it, I'm a human being just like all people.11.7.2009

LOVE AND PAIN.

The feeling of love is hard to control.
It's so hard to stop pain.
You can try to make things better but it doesn't always work.
Love brings you pain: pain brings happiness.
There must be a point when love runs out when you have suffered so much pain, then love very slowly turns to hate.
I think it's time for me to move on to love someone new but but pain needs to go altogether until I can love again. 11.7.2009

IT'S NO GOOD ME THINKING YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE.

Let’s start again!
No more chances.
No more pain.
I won't let you hurt me again.
Let's change things this time!
No chance I have heard your broken promises before.
Let's put what went wrong right!
What am I talking about; I have tried so many times with you?
Let's stop hurting one another; we are like a pair of kids on the playground!
Why do we keep on hurting one another and going back to one another?
This has gone on for too many years now, this has got to stop!
I can't believe I fell for you again and again until I thought suddenly a change of thought; I don't love this man anymore. 11.7.2009

YOU USED TO BE MY MAN.

You used to be my man; you used to be the love of my life so I thought.
I don't think you thought I loved you as much.
If you have worked it out now, it's too late my love has run out for you now.
If only I worked out that you did not love me as much as I loved you, I wouldn't have wasted 15 yrs of my life on and off with you.
I know you told me you loved me but not as many times as I told you.
May be you didn't believe me but may be you didn't tell me the truth.
I must move on, you don't stop me from loving again but I will get to know a person first.
I need to get rid of this pain you have given me.
The worse thing was that you said in the end that you didn't know whether you loved me or not, that's why I had enough. 11.7.2009

MOST MEN.

Most men what is it about them?
They pretend to love you but they hurt you again and again.
They dirt on you, then they except you to love them again.
I can't promise myself I will never get hurt again, I have fallen for it a lot more than once again and again but at least it won't by the same man I have known for 15yrs.
I will have to tell myself no more pain off him.
If I hadn't of been a fool to be in love with you, then I would not have been hurt by you.
Once you feel love you can't live with or without it.
Sadly love and pain links together. 9.7.2009

VICTIM OF LOVE.

I have been a victim of love.
I have been a victim of men.
How many women haven't been through the same as me, I would say many but men can go through pain as well as women?

Used
Abused,
you name it
I have been there.
Who has not been there?

Men have hard times with woman just like woman have hard times with men.
How much more can we go through?
I don't wish it on anyone; no one is the first or last person to go through it.
The nice part: love pain is horrible.
There again pain makes you become stronger.
We all want someone in our lives that want and love us for ourselves.
Nothing stops me from carrying on with life, I fall down and get back up again, and I have done so many times before.
Nothing stops me from loving.
I am not the best of women but I am strong.
I do what I can to make the man I am with happy.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but I just want to carry on loving. 11.7.2009

BE IN LOVE WITH POETRY.

Be in love with poetry, that's one love that doesn't run out.
Say what you want pen, paper, writing and words don't answer back at least not on the page; it's only your own words.
Let the readers think what they want but give them enjoyment in their reading too.
Your thoughts, feelings and fears only.
Drain any painful feelings out of yourself but also write about the good in life too.
Keep getting to know yourself by writing poetry.
Keep getting to know yourself before you get to know your readers.
Write your private thoughts down but don't have them published unless your readers enjoy your work.
Poetry keeps poets going strong through the good and bad of life.
Poet's ways of dealing with life is poetry. 12.7.2009

WRITER'S HANDWRITING.

Too much going on in one's mind to think about whether the writing is neat or not.
Now that I have written, I can see the state of my hand writing, I must type so that my readers can read it.
Can I read my own writing? Only sometimes but I know write as fast as my mind is thinking, then most of the time I get carried away.
What a state of my writing.
What a state of my mind.
Who wants to read my hand writing it's too messy?
Who wants to read my mind, there's too much rubbish inside?
I feel guilty about the things I write about but anger inside me comes out on paper not on people, only people who have hurt me.
Sorry to my readers whose read on paper, it's what's going on in my mind on to poetry
? 12.7.2009

GUILTY WRITER.

My mind thinks too fast for me to write or my mind is blank.
Love and pain the only things I write about, animals, home, family education, career, love and so the list goes on of the subjects that I write.
How many readers are interested in what I write?
Who knows! Sorry
Please let me know readers on your comments in an email, thank you.
You can write what you like, and then I will reply back to you.
I am a dyslexic writer; words may have the right letters but not put in the right places.
My mind can work over time or not at all. 12.7.2009

SORRY I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU.

Sorry I told you, I love you, am I going too fast?
How wrong was I to think you'd tell me that you love me?
How selfish was I to think of only my own feelings?
In future I will accept what you want despite of how you feel about me. 12.7.2009

LOVE HURTS.

You can't help who you fall in love with.
It's just accepting it if the person doesn't love you.
No matter what feelings of love is hard to control.
No matter how much pain is given, you don't give up until the feeling of love has gone.
Love is there as long as it wants to be. 12.7.2009

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK?

What makes you think I am free to love you?
What makes you think I still love you?
What makes you think that I can go through that pain again that I let you put me through time and time again but no more?
If I hadn't have walked out like I did, you would have still been walking over me.
I would be still sitting back waiting for you to love me again, I have been a fool long enough.
Now it's too late for you, it does not stop me loving again but I don't love you.
How much more pain do you think I can take? 12.7.2009

MOST POETS’ LIVES.

Writing, drinking and smoking.
We love the stuff that's not good for us, as I sit with a bottle of Becks in the Moon under Water in Wolverhampton.
I Write poetry whether we feel happy, laughing, angry, sad or mad.
(Why?)
Today I have been feeling down enough to write about what's going on in my head. 12.7.2009

IT TOOK YOU SO LONG.

What took you so long to tell me that you love me when it's too late?
I don't think it has sunk in that I have told you that I don't love you anymore.
For years I had always been there for you, in fact a lot of people had told me you weren't right for me but I was right for you, may be they were right in telling me that.
You may love me now but you will stop loving me, like you have thousands times before, which means you have never loved me at all.
I have learned what you are like, when it comes to changing your mind about your feeling towards me, it was causing me pain and hurt.

Sorry, I can't go back to get myself hurt again, my trust is gone in you.
You should have known what you wanted in the first place.
If you love me why do you keep on finishing with me and going back to me, that's only pretending to love me when you don’t?
I must have been blind to think that you loved me. 12.7.2010


IT WILL HIT YOU ONE DAY.

Why do you only seem to want me when you have been drinking?
When you are not drunk, you change your mind about the way you feel about me.
You change your mind as many times as you change your soaks.
Don't you understand that I am finding it hard to come to terms, I don't love you to built my hopes up , now I don't built hopes up with anyone: I never say never ever.
You have hurt me enough as it is, you shouldn't make it harder for me by you ringing me when your drunk.
It's no good saying you want me back when your drunk because you don't feel that way when you’re not drunk. 26th July 2009 

STOP FIBBING TO YOURSELF AND ME!

I understand you like your drink, don't a lot of us.
Now you need to cut your drinking down as you have a lot to take on at home.
Too much drink makes you do and say the wrong things.
When you drink far too much, you’re not yourself, your not you someone else.
You say you want me when your drunk but you don't.
The drink is doing the talking not you.
Yes, I know when it comes to the next day, you have thought about what you said sorry about last night, the next day you have a complete change of mind from the night before.

Just be careful other wises you could be disbelieved when you are telling the truth. 26th July 2009.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF COW.

There once was a cow that had a calf.
The calf went to have a drink off his Mother.
Suddenly the calf could not taste any milk as he blew a turn walking round the field.
" Mummy Mummy, I can't taste milk but I can taste and blew music."
" Why are you making such a loud nose, son?
" I am hungry so I better have a drink off another Calf's Mother."
" OK son, whys that?"
" You have a pair of bag pipes underneath you, I better ask the farmer to call the vet, and this is not right for a cow."
" Don't bother son, I am alright, we are in Scotland, we are Scottish cows, moo moo (boo)."
Mrs Cow herself called vet on her mobile phone because she was worried her son wasn't getting any milk, she didn't think it was right him getting milk off another calf's Mother.
The tune was so loud; it was keeping the whole farm awake.
We Wish you a Merry Christmas was blowing out in the middle of July, Mother started to get even more worried about her son.
" Alright, I will come over to have a look at you Mrs Cow."
" No, Doctor Vet, please look at my son?"
" Your son is alright Mrs Cow; he just needs milk to grow that's all."
" Look at Mrs Cow, I have never seen anything like it's not good that you have a pair of bagpipes to feed the baby, you should have nipples, the baby needs to moo louder and grow some more."
" It's good him having not any milk though, Doctor Vet!"
" That's no problem, he'll have to have milk off another cow, that all Mrs Cow."
" How long does he have to blow for?"
" As long as it takes for the bagpipes to turn back to nipples, which could take until next New Year, Mr Cow."
" Oh goodness, it's only July now, its ages yet."
" Well I only said roughly Mrs Cow; sorry it's not very often we come across this kind of thing, Mrs Cow." 
Mrs Cow's bagpipes was even blowing, the bagpipe were blowing I wish you a Merry Christmas without her son blowing on them.
The tune even kept the whole Scottish farm awake all night long, which made Mrs Cow very guilty indeed.2009

KING OF POP, MICHEAL JACKSON.

It was a shock on Thursday 25th July 2009, when the world lost you Michael.
I am so lucky to have been a born from the Jackson5.
Your first song with the Jackson5 was 'I WANT YOU BACK' it came two weeks before 7th October 1969; I was born 24th October 1969.
You kept your career going for 40yrs, which was as old as I am now.
The KING OF POP shines in the disco light.
I loved your music in the Jackson5 and your solo career.
Thank you very much for the music, Michael. 12.8.2009


YOU WERE SO BRAVE.

You were so brave to walk and sing on the stage with what you had been through with you Father behind closed doors.
The world has heard about the hard times you have had over years, we are sorry we thought you were always happy because we always saw you smiling.
You told us to smile even when things are going wrong for us.
Thank Michael for been so strong for us. 12.8.2009

FACES THE WORLD.

Face the world with a smile.
Hold back the tears and the pain.
Don't hide behind closed doors.
Show the world you can face them, don't be scared.
Thank you for those words, Michael, we say good bye and rest in peace with love.
You don't need to worry anymore; your stress from the Media has now gone forever.
Thank Michael for all the work you had done for us, you sang all the great songs our King of Pop.
Your music will live forever; we love you in rest and peace. 12.8.2009

Freedom.

We are human beings.
We are born to live then to die.
We live only one life so there for we should have chooses how we live our lives.
No one should hold our chooses against us.
We should be accepted in society whether we have disabilities or not. 12.8.2009

LIFE IS NOT THE SAME.

Life is not the same knowing you have gone Michael.
Once I watched and listened to your music on YOU TUBE I can't get off the Internet.
Michael the world is empty without you.
Let's hope heaven is in a better place for you, 'EARTH' was.
We miss Michael with love. 12.8.2009

WE ARE ONLY THIS EARTH ONCE.

What are we doing here?
Why are we here?
Life is what we make it, when you have a choice to make it how you like.
A choice we like in life to make us happy.
There are times what has to be has to be, therefore there are times we don't have a choice, then life isn't what you make it when it's controlled by society.
If we can't make the choice on earth then we will have to make it if there's such a world as heaven.
In your memory, people know you as a person.
In your death, people need to remember the good in you. 12.8.2009


WE MISS YOU ALWAYS.

We all love you.
You must know we all love you.
That means millions of people including myself.
You have always been very special to your fans.
It's only when we don't hear you singing Freddie Mercury and Michael Jackson that we remember you are both in heaven.
Now we have thought about you two in heaven, it feels like a knife going us. 2009

PLEASE BE MY VALENTINE.

I like you a lot but I am not building my hopes that there will be at you and me.
I will never say never, I will just accept what is or isn't to be.
Only because I like you such a lot I don't except you to like me the same as I like you.
If you don't like me the same way as I like you, there's nothing I can do.
There's plenty more fish in sea for me you see. 9.12.2010

PANE TURNS INTO HAPPINESS; HAPPINESS TURNS INTO PAIN.

Despite of the feeling as if the whole world is coming to pieces on us, I don't give up on us.
Us.
May be we can't see one another as much as we would like to, the good thing is that it gives us time to sort our own lives out but I never stop thinking about you.
Having this space gives me time to get rid the pain I have still got before I met you.
I guess give you time to get rid of the pain others have you through too. 
I am sorry if I have blown it between us.
I should of thought of your feelings too not just about mine.
The time we have without one another seems like a life time.
As every hour, minute, second, day, week and even feels like year going yet have only known you just over a year; my love just grows stronger and stronger for you.
Butterflies fly through my tummy like fishes swimming in the sea.
I can't handy eat and sleep without thinking about you nonstop. 9.2.2010


SO NEAR YET SO FAR.

For me to be with you, there's no rush, what will be, will be.
Time never runs out of love from me to you.
I know you are not far away but our time together seems so far away.
Never the less our time apart doesn't change the way I feel about you.
I understand that your feelings count too; I can't accept your feelings to match with mine because of the way I feel about you.
I will be honest; I like you more and more.
In fact I am missing you more and more.
The thing I don't want to do is to say and do anything to drive you away.
When I see you I want to show my feelings more but I respect your private reasons not to.
I don't want to spoil whatever we have got between us: I don't want to spoil a thing between us.
Respect you not disrespect you. 13.2.2010

I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL WHATEVER WE HAVE GOT BETWEEN US: I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL A THING BETWEEN US.

I know I have contacted you in the past, I am so sorry about that.
I am so sorry if I have contacted you at the wrong moment.
I must learn to control how to feelings about you but most of all I miss you more and more everyday in every way.
I keep looking at my mobile phone, telling myself no but I love to hear your voice.
I like you so much; I don't want to spoil a thing.
Even when I contact you on a rare time, I feel so guilty in case I am bothering you when I shouldn't be. 13.2.2010


VALENTINE'S DAY ISN'T THE ONLY DAY.

Valentine’s Day isn't the only day I want to be with you.
Valentine's Day isn't the only day I miss you.
Valentine's Day isn't the only day I want to kiss you.
As much as what I have said are true thoughts going on inside my head, us having time apart is making me want you more, miss you more and look forward to seeing you more if or and whenever that time comes.
Makes me want you more but these days I understand that that's not possible who knows what the future will brings?
I can wait as long as it takes unless you let me go, then I will move on. 13.2.2010

THINKING ABOUT YOU.

For me to you, time never seems to run out.
I will be honest, I liking you more and more I don't want to drive you away.
When I see you, I want to show my feelings more and more to you but I know that isn't possible with the hard private situations we are both going through.
I respect you not this respect you.
As time goes by my feelings get stronger and stronger for you. 13.2.2010

LOVE COMES TO THOSE WHO WAIT.

Love comes to those who wait.
Never look for love.
The hardest thing is not to think of love.
Until now I was never good at waiting for love, until friendship came along.
I have only started to more to life than just love.
At one time I accepted love all the time.13.2.2010

NEW START.

valentine's day last year, I wrote my last poem to make last lover hoping he'd love him for the lasted time, I gave on him his last chance to love me again.
He never loved me while he had the chance, his loss.
Now that I don't love him anymore he wants me again, to me it's far too late.
Sadly I wasn't strong enough to walk away from him, at the time I loved him. 

Little did I know, I'd meet a very great friend in you?
With the very little time we have spent together, my love has grown even stronger for you.
Despite of hard situations going on around both of us, I never stop thinking about you.
Little did I know I would learn to stop feeling in love with him and falling for you? 13.2.2010

HARD SITUATIONS.

I'd rather be seeing you then going to down to see him, I don't enjoy been there.
Well I am going to see his Mum, her time could be up any time but sadly he lives there.
There could be anything going on but there's not, there's nothing going on between me and him, I don't want to be anywhere nears him.
I want be with the person I like so much, which is you. 13.2.2010

FRIENDLY LOVE.

You are my angel.
You keep me up when I am going down.
You keep me flying when I am about to stop. 13.2.2010

LET'S START WHERE WE MEAN TO GO ON!

Being true to one another.
Give one another trust and freedom.
Be true friends from start to end.
Keep private information between both of us.
Helping one another out, loving one another and showing one another love to share. 13.2.2010

ONE DAY HE WILL BE OUT OF MY LIFE.

I want to leave him altogether; I don't want to see him ever again.
I hope one day, I will be pain free to love you.
He will live in love dream that will turn to a complete nightmare.
I will wake up in the morning; the past will seem like a very bad long nightmare of mine. 13.2.2010

IF ONLY.

If only I could show you more than just friendship.
If only I could be your Valentine on Valentine's Day.
If only we knew whether the sun is going to shine on us both or not.
I will wait for you as long as it takes unless you tell me to stop waiting for you.
May be it's to be or not to be your Valentine. 13.2.2010

YOU KNOW I AM HERE FOR YOU, DON'T YOU?

You I am here for you, don't you?
You know I will always be here as long as you want me to be, I will just move on, if and when you don't want me in your life anymore.
We are very close friends; I hope we will love one another as friends until the end.
However short or long you want me I am here.
I hope we will be always being there for one another to care for one another to share.
Whenever you want me I will be there.
We are so near but times apart seem so far but never think that does us any harm. 14.2.2010

IT SEEMS LIKE A LIFE TIME.

Time seems like a life time without you.
There's so many things I don't have chance to say to you, there so many things unsaid between us but what is said is private between us.
It's just easy to write poetry when I have the time.
Love comes to those who wait.
I am here as long as you want me too and to. 14/2/2010

ON VALENTINE'S DAY MY LOVE IS GROWING STRONGER.

I can't start to tell you how much I like you.
My feelings are growing very quickly the more time I have apart from you but we still need to take things slowly.
My world would not be the same without you inside my mind.
If only I could tell you how I feel about you without thinking I would drive you away from me. 14.2.2010

NO RUSH.

There's no rush, I am here as long as you want me too and to.
As long you want me, there's no one else for me.
The more I don't see you, the more I am thinking about you as my feelings get stronger towards you.
I am becoming braver than I ever used to be with anyone.
Missing you is painful but having you on my mind is giving me happiness too.14.2.2010

SOMEONE SPECIAL.

Not everyone can see the one they really like on Valentine's Day.
Some things are better off not said, we all have some private thoughts.
There comes a time in most people's lives that we are happy to have a someone special in our minds as well as our lives.
Friendship is a better way for us to get to know one another.
It doesn't mean it is or isn't to be.
Special someone special thoughts. 14.2.2010

FRIENDSHIP.

A friendship doesn’t just have to mean friendships.
Love doesn't have to mean just relationships.
There can be friendship in love as well as relationships.
You learn that there's more to life than just love. 14/2/2010

LOVE POETRY.

I love poetry because it's a great way of saying how you feel about life.
Love poetry keeps me going with and without you.
Love poetry stops me bothering you on the phone as well as saying how I feel about you.
Love poetry me from driving you away.
My work helps in the same way too.
Love poetry makes me a stronger person for longer.
Love poetry helps me clear whatever is going through my mind.
Poetry doesn't just help me with love but other things too.
I am not just a love poet; I am a poet of all subjects. 14.2.2010

I KNOW YOU SPEAK TO ME WHEN YOU CAN.

I have a very good friend in you; I hope you have a very good friend in me too.
I respect you for being a private person, I will never this respect you.
I never want to end the night when I am with you.
Time seems like forever without you but I look forward to seeing you again however long it takes.
Never the less I think about you all the time; I will never give up on you unless you give up on me, no matter how often I see you. 14.2.2010

THINKING ABOUT YOU ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

Knowing that I can't see you on Valentine's Day of all days makes me sad but I
am not mad with you.
Days, hours, weeks, minutes and even years are painful enough.
Happiness knows that I am thinking about you and hoping you are thinking about me too.
Never the less I am missing you. 14.2.2010

I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS.

I thought I knew what love was before I met you but I don't think I did.
I think I thought I knew it all.
I have never had to cope with missing anyone like I am missing you.
I don't think I had found myself feeling love for anyone like I am feeling love for you.
Never the less I can cope.
My feelings are far too strong to give up on you. 14.2.2010

PRIVATE WORLD.

A private world is a special world with private and special thoughts.
We have a very special friendship.
It's very hard to know what the future will bring for both of us.
Let's not hope for a joy of spring: let's not hope for really bad things.
Let's shut the black past away, we have both had long nightmares.
Let's get rid of the bad people out of our heads and keep the good people in our heads! 14.2.2010

Trying to get things off my mind.

Close our doors close our eyes.

We need to clear out of our minds before we can close our doors and eyes on the old thoughts to bring new thoughts.
We mustn't worry about a thing; otherwise we could be bringing something bad into something good.
How can you feel good at the same time as feeling bad but somehow we do?
Sooner or later you need to be getting out of the bad to get into the good, we shouldn't mix good and bad but it seems to happen.
Nothing is good all the while; things may be either a little rough or crash for life.
The world used to be beautiful, we had very little war and very little crime was notice at time.
It good to know that we notice more crime but bad to know it happens, ever worse to know that it happen and wasn't notice.

Some many things in life weren't notice a long time ago but more and more are notice now.
A never ending story and a never ending poem.
Making plans for the future without even knowing what the future is going be or not even realizing that there may not be any future.
Never make plans let the future be.
No safety in the world.
No surprise to anyone when there's too much crime by people who don't do their time, too much and greed with money that's going going gone.
We need help to understand life, what is it about?
Why were we born, why do we die?
Why are we here in the first place?
Let the rain be sunshine, Sunshine be rain.
Not too cold not too hot.
Let there be safety not danger. 4.10.10

Our eyes are our doors.

Our eyes are our doors, we close and open.
We never know what nights and days are until our eyes that are doors are open.
Sometimes we can't close our eyes that are doors at all when too much is on our minds about things we may and should and shouldn't know.
Sometimes we are only told half the story; we may have to wait until tomorrow comes, forever or not at all.
Some days and nights are different.
Other days and nights are all the same.
Some things have to start and finish but others don't happen at all.

Other things stay as they are, whether it's good bad life is life sometimes for a good reason other times for a bad.
Sometimes tomorrow is known other times it's unknown, sometimes it's better off unknown but most of the time it needs to be known.
At times life can be cure things happen that shouldn't.
Life is what you make but not everything happens by our choice, which doesn't leave us completely free.
When it comes to the government no one is free but no one is completely naughty.
We all need some control but not over controlled.
To be fare the world needs a balance so nothing is too fare or too unfair, which never seems to happen. 4.10.10

 Open our doors open our eyes.

Good morning time, there's very little freedom for us all.

Open our doors open our eyes.
The world is a mess in so much debt, we have been too greedy.
Now the world is losing money so one day it will all come to an end.
The future is unknown.
As one door closes another one opens.
Hello, to the good, goodbye to the bad.
Hello, to the bad, goodbye to the good.
That's the way life always is and that all it ever can be. 4.10.10

You mean the world.

When I first met you, I didn't know who you were.
I was going through far too much pain from my last relationship to be aware of the rest of the world around me.
I was too numb with pain to love and to know I was loved; love was the last thing I thought would happen again.

When I started talking to you I felt good but I had no idea that you felt more for me than just a friend.

I was far too hurt to know what the future was going to bring to any part of life.
It was a big surprise to find out that you were interested in me, that's one of the reasons I didn't go for it right away, it's also the fact I didn't know you and as I say the pain I was going through with the last heart break.
I didn't expect someone to pain interest in me so sudden that's why I was unsure.

Since then my feelings have just got stronger but I'm now scared in case my feelings are too strong for you, it's not just about my feelings, it's about yours too.
If you wouldn't have never paid interest in me, I would have kept how I felt to myself in fear that you may have not been interested or and you could have been with someone already.
I wouldn't have wanted to spoil your happiness if you were taken for already just because my happiness came to an end.

Now that I'm with you, I will be truthful to say that I don't want to lose you.
That's why I keep trying not to build my hopes up but that's not an easy thing to do with a lovely guy like you, you can never be sure that anything is for life but never say never.
I don't want to make you feel as if you are force to be with me.
I must be brave and strong, I'm a middle aged woman now, I have been through enough heartache and disappointment but I can't take anymore.
When I first met you I had been going through a heart break for two years.
Sorry I didn't say yes right away, my head was just all over the place.

Sorry if I have misunderstood your feelings towards me, I will move on If I have misunderstood you.
I don't want to step in your way, tread on on your toes, be around when I'm not wanted and so on. 
I don't want to make you want me if you don't want me.
I understand that it's not all about me, your feelings count too but I would be lier if I said I don't love you.
If you don't feel for me the same way as I do about you, I have to live with it and be strong. 10.10.10

Love and pain.

You can't walk away from love until you don't love.
Falling in love is easy but walking away from pain is hard.
It's very hard to put people's' feelings aside when they don't feel the same as they do.
Different people walk into your life, make out they love you, leave you and break your heart.
Love and pain seems like a never ending thing when it's long but knocks you to sick when it breaks. 10.10.10

Why do I love you?

Why do I love you?
If only I knew why, only how handsome, kind, a understanding gentleman
you are.
Why do I put myself through so much pain?
Here I am again!
I took so long to get over the last person who broke my heart.
If I love someone I can't walk away altogether but I can't force someone to love me if they don't love me. 10.10.10

What's going on?

Is there still you and me?
Many thoughts go round my head because we don't get a lot of private time together.
I will put my feelings to side and think of yours instead, I understand it's not all about me, it's about you as well, that's how I want it to be.
Whatever makes you happy makes me happy but sad deep down.
Stay where you are if that's what you want, I'm here as long as you want me.
You will never lose my friendship, our future is unknown.
May be I worry too much, I don't want to jump the gun but then I don't want to put a trap on your life.
I don't want to hope too much and I don't want to make you think that you have to feel the same about me as I do about you.
I am not going to lie; my feelings are very strong towards you.
I am preparing myself just in case I lose your love.
No matter how many heart breaks I have, I will keep on loving but not when I am still in love.
May be I won't anymore feel the warmth of your arms close to mine.

May be I won't feel the way you used to hold me so close anymore.
May be it's a long time coming; we may get there in the end.
We may not get there at all but I'm there for you as long as you want me to be.
If you do feel the same way about me as I do about you, then you are worth as long as the wait takes even if it's forever more.
10.10.10

Here you go again!

You loved me twice.
You dumped me twice.
Now you want me back again.
How many chances do you want?
You've hurt me a lot more than once.
I thought I would never stop loving you but finely I walked away.
You will never stop me from moving on how I want to despite the pain you have put me through.
It's not my fault that you didn't love me when I loved you.
You've been playing nasty games with my mind.
Now it's too late, you only have yourself to blame.
I always thought you loved me but I believe now that I was wrong.
You don't love me, you only love yourself.
You are only saying you love me because I'm not in your life anymore. 10.10.10

Good friends.

You are a good friend; I only wish you could be more.
You have been great support.
You were there for me not long after he broke my heart.
You helped me to strong enough to carry, I thank you.
Without your support I would have let him put a hold on my life.
There's still a lot of damage inside me to clear but slowly I'm getting there.
It will still take me a long time before I start feeling really good about myself again but you make me feel even better. 10.10.10

Changes.

Time to let there is to be.
Time for peace.
Not to hope expect anything at all.
Never say it will ever end.
Let the damaged past mend.
Getting to know one's self all over again.
Believe in one's self.
It will take one's own time to feel one's self again.
Too soon for heavy love.
There's no harm in friendly love.
Companionship is very close friendship.
One becomes two of us me and you.
We're not the first who have been hurt, we won't be the last.
It's tremendous to be independent but to be faithful.
We all make mistakes how many of us learn from them?
My mistakes have been loving men who have hurt me but I guess we have both been as bad as one another.
I just got too close to them and I hoped for too much.
Now it's time to take it easy, one isn't getting any younger but II Admit my feelings for you are getting stronger. 4.11.10

My secret lover.

May be I don't show my feelings towards you, may be you do know how I feel towards you.
There are too many people around us and I am scared in case I frightened you away.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I know you like me but I like you more and more.
I know I didn't say right away, I didn't expect you to pay interest in me.
I was still getting over the last love that is no love.
Facing you is hard when I know how I feel but I get by.
We just need to carry taking our time just like we have been doing and keeping it quite.
Even our time to together when if we get it together.
It comes to those who wait as long as it takes. 4.11.10

Sorry John, I didn't mean to hurt you.

It was his 17th birthday sometime in June 2001; it was a very hot evening.
The windows of the Flying Dutchman pub, War stones, Wolverhampton was streaming or I may have been dreaming.
When me and my ex partner were a couple, One that very night we were outside in the beer garden walking around smoking a cigarette.

Even though the pub has been closed down quite a few years this memory still stands in my mind.
I gave Antonio his second chance to love me again he hurt after he hurt me before, I thought I knew it all.
I thought he loved me better the second time better than the first time, I was wrong.
Now that I don't have feelings for him anymore, he now makes out he loves me again but I'm no foal to him no more.


I was blind to see that he didn't give a dam about this 17 year old boy who winked his eye at me as if to say hi.
I wouldn't have wanted a problem between Antonio and John.
Little did I realize that Antonio didn't love me for me.


I felt so ashamed not feeling the same as what he did.
He was such a nice young man, I guess still is. 
Having been an older woman I would still felt feelings of shame whatever would have happened.

I don't think he knew nothing about love.
I didn't know enough about love but I should have done.
I should have known better.

I could see him trying not to stare as sweat was pumped out of him everywhere, poor lad.
He started to worry me as he made me nervous when he was looking at me.
As my heart began to race and I almost in a panic attack.
Sweat started to pump out of me too.
I was hoping he'd walk away from where I was.
He walked up closely to me.
He looked at me as if he wanted to speak but he didn't know what to say.
His face went bright red with shyness.


I felt so ashamed that I didn't feel the same way but I still would have felt ashamed if I did.
I had too much repeat for him to lie or and lead him.
I just only hope he has met a nice girl a lot younger than me.
He was lovely all the same.
Even thought we didn't get together.
I still feel as if I should have known better. 


Now those ten years have gone by.
I still feel full of guilt and regret.
If things would have been the opposite I would have still felt the same.

I hope the fact that we didn't get together saved us a lot of heart ache towards one another.
Some things we don't like happen for the best.
May be it wasn't to be.
May be I did or didn't do the right thing after all.
He may have now lost interest in me in the end.
He may hate me for not giving him the experience he may have wanted.
He might respect me for been honest with him.
I hope have I made myself understood.

The only way I feel pain is wishing I was his age.
What scares me is the fact that he may have more sense than me.

I knew who he was, his name was John. 
I knew his Mum and Dad.
I felt so ashamed for not feeling the same as him.
He was such a nice young man. 
Whatever I would have became of me and John I would have felt as if I wasn't doing the right thing.

I am not been nasty I would like to be someone's lover not Mother or Daughter.
I used to be friends with his Mother but we ended falling out.
She wasn't that many years older me.
If only I was the same age as him knowing what I knew at the time or even better what I know today at the age of 41.
I felt so lucky to have been loved by someone so young.
Knowing that he felt this way towards me he made me feel like his age at that time all over again.

This may not make sense but I forgot what it felt like to be 17. 
If only I knew at 17 what I knew 31.
If only I knew at 31 what I know now at 41.
I was so old he was so young.

I felt so lucky to have been loved by someone so young, it bought back my youth again.
At the same time it made me feel ashamed however I felt. 
I knew I had to control how I felt, I didn't feel it was right older woman having feelings for a teenage boy. 
I still wouldn't have felt as if I had done right.


What did he want with an old fool like me?
I was 31 old enough to be his Mum.
In the end she hated me.
She blamed me for fancying her son when it was the other way round.
I don't think she believed me; she should have done when she knew I had a partner already. 21.11.2010

The loser.

Once I thought you were the man for me but now I'm glad it didn't turn out to be.
People told me that you weren't the man for me but I didn't listen to a word they said to me.

I thought I knew it all.
Now I realize that I'm better off without you.
I don't even want to see you, you hurt me that much.
I wish I never met and loved you.
I wish I never gave you a second chance after you left me the first time.
Now that I don't love you anymore, I can't believe that I ever did love you at all.
The more I loved you the more you hurt me.


Now that I don't love you anymore, you don't hurt me anymore.
Nothing ever matched between us, it was wrong for us to fall in love.
You knew I loved you so much but it too me years to realize that you didn't love me.
Now I don't love you anymore, you make out you love me because you have no one hurt anymore.

I was too blind to realize that your love for me was a lie and even still is and always will be.
I had put up with your trickily mind games too many years far too long.
If you treat anyone else like you treated me, you will spend the rest of your life alone.
One day someone will hurt you like you hurt me, then it will hit you hard.

You always played tricks with my mind.
One minute you loved me the next you didn't.
I can't believe I ever was a your victim of hate and love for so long.
You used to give me wonderful dreams and nasty nightmares but not always at the same time.

Butterflies flow and swam through my stomach when you made me feel good.
Panic attacks would go through all over my body when you made me feel bad.
My stomach would turn over as if I was on a very fast fairground ride.
You may have broken my heart but whatever my future is to be, I'm glad to say that I don't want to be with you anymore you see.
Despite of the damage you have put me through, you will never stop me from doing what I want to do,which has nothing to do with you. 31.10.10

 Granddaddy Who

I was in the sixth form of Penn Hall School twenty - five years ago. I have found it hard to tie my shoe laces all my life, this no fun at all.

Getting ready for swimming and PE was a big nightmare in school.

All of a sudden Mrs Hard shouted at me.

" Come along child, I want everyone in the mini bus!"

I lost my temper because she was in a rush but she wouldn't help me tie my shoe laces.

" Can you help me, please Miss."

" No you should know how to get yourself ready at your age."

Granddaddy who casted a nasty spell on Mrs Hard with his magic walking stick.

All of a sudden a old man with a bald head with glasses, he was holding a magic walking stick.

He came from just thin air out of the ceiling.

" My name is Granddaddy Who, now Mrs Hard you tie your shoes!"

Mrs Hard jumped out of her skin with shock, as Granddaddy who came down from the ceiling she came up to the ceiling, she had out gone out of thin air.

"Ow." Screamed Mrs Hard

Granddaddy who had magic Superhero powers. December 2010

 Able Mable turned into Marvellous Mable, she had a magic table.

Marvellous Mable made people's dreams come true, at Penn Hall School so long ago.

The magic table turned into a rowing boat that ran down the stream, if you know what I mean.

A fish jumped into the boat as I screamed.
A very heavy rain full came down as a sudden sound and flash of lighting, as I jumped I got soaking wet.
The boat turned into a racing car as I drove very fast, then it turned into a plane, as the plane I blew up into a puff of smoke.

All of a sudden we had gone into thin air.

Marvellous Mable had magical Superhero powers. 4.12.2010

 You are never happy.

You spent so long trying to get me out of your life, that's what it felt like to me.
Now that I have gone you miss me, you don't what you have lost until you have lost it.
At the time you really hurt me but I really loved you.
Now that I am out of your life, I don't love you anymore.
I know you want me back in your life.
I have known you long enough to know whatever happens you're never happy with.
You have lost my love, you only have yourself to blame. 26.9.2010

Things on your mind.

There can be things on your mind all the time.
Most of the time you think of things that happened a long time ago.
No matter how hard you try to blank these thoughts out you never forget.
These are very often things that are hard to talk about and explain yet never understood.
We can feel frightened to say anything at all.
For me it happened at school.
A lot of people told me it was all in my mind but it's always there never forgotten no matter how hard I try to forget.
Why has it been there all my life, yet I have tried so hard to blank it out?
I have learning disabilities, I don't have the same understanding as other people yet I'm not alone in the world anymore, I never was, I only thought I was alone. 30.9.2010

Unheard voice.

When you have learning disabilities, you are always children in the eyes of society.
Nothing has seemed to have changed, I guess it never will but it still seems as if not a lot has changed in the last 30 years or more, that's not been understood or listened to.
After not been listened to, understand or believed by adults when I was a child.
It carried on far too long into my young adult years.
I guess I never got heard because of my learning disabilities.
It's as if people knew that I wasn't suppose to know anything but I knew I had been hurt in some way, explaining it was hard.

I knew nothing but a long true nightmare that I still can't get out my head from the age of seven upwards, now I am 41.
This happened to me more than once and more than one person.
It's just so hard to explain, which not a lot has changed when it first began.
It happened so long ago.
I shouldn't try to tell because I don't know what happened yet I don't forget.
It doesn't make any sense but strange as it sounds it's true that strange unexpected things even now still come out of the blue. 30.9.2010

 Time to go to bed.

It was time to go to bed, us girls chatted for a while.
The Housemother told us off to get to sleep ready for school the next morning.
My mind was full of unexplained stress that I wasn't supposed to know yet it happened to me.
It was no good telling the kids, they weren't suppose to know either.
We were little children little babies who were learning about life yet there was very little to learn at that time.
Everyone fell asleep all but not me, I wasn't the best of sleepers anyway but all what I didn't understand was playing on my mind I was far too young to know but I should have known what happened, it was too hard understand and tell anyone.
I wasn't just a child; I was a child with learning disabilities.
I held my ginger German teddy bear named Hands, I felt so alone.
Every time I tried to sleep I could hear and see the big evil 

moister attacking me.
I lay there thinking how I was going to tell grownups but I didn't have a clue. 30.9.2010

 It's hard to talk.

I just cried all night.
Every time I faced a child, I felt so alone in the world.
I kept hoping it wasn't happening to any other child but then it made it even harder to explain myself if it wasn't.
It was no good telling them because they weren't suppose to know or understand either.

Not able to understand what happened to you is a very strange nasty feeling, just these unforgotten unexplained things going inside your mind.
It can never be a lie if it's never forgotten; I only wish it was because It wouldn't be there to haunt you for life.
It happened every school I went to, I was unaware of whether it was happening to other children or not until we were adults.
Before I knew it was happening to other children as well me, I thought I was having nightmares, hearing and or seeing things in my mind.
We were just far too young to know and understand what was going on.
I have met many people who I went to school with during adult they have been through the same things in the same schools.
I wasn't alone after all I just didn't know that a lot of the children went through it too.
It's haunted us all our lives, even today, it's hard to explain.
If you know what I'm talking about and it's happened to you, I'm willing to help you if you want someone to talk to on sarajgorman@googlemail.com 30.9.2010

 Time to listen to children.

Time to listen to children; you never know what you are going to hear.
You can't be there with children twenty - four hours a day so you can't say what they tell is or isn't true.
If a child goes on about the same thing a lot, then it's true, something needs to be done.
Children need to be listened to; this is the same for people with disabilities and Health problems all ages.
It's time to listen carefully and take more time with people who take to be understood and heard otherwise could be disbelieving something that really happened.
Take more time to understand all human beings.
They could be telling you something that has happened but will damage the rest of their lives if nothing has been done about it.
This could damage their minds like it has damaged mine; don't let that happen to them.
We all know that most kids can tell lies but if some things can be tried to be said once too often enough and is serious, that's the time to listen and take action that will help to be happy again. sarajgorman@googlemail.com 30.9.2010

 You only live once.

Do anything you want this could be your only or last chance in life.
Help someone who wants to give things ago, it could be there only and last chance too.
Help someone who needs more help than you.
Remember it could have been you if not them.
Don't let theirs and your chances slip.

There's nothing worse than been left out, how would like to give something a go but no one is there to help you if you need help?
Everyone looks at you at if you are squib and thick, that's not the case you just need a bit more help than most people.
You’re left out because it seems as if the rest of the world can have a normal life, you can't. (What’s normal at the end of the day?)
What are we missing out on?

Crashing cars and screaming kids is something we can do without but what's missing is looking in the mirror everyday seeing another you.
See how different and better life can be for your child than it was for you, not to say that life was all bad and all good for you.

There seems to be full of lovers, you feel like your boyfriend's child when you need more help than others rather than his girlfriend. (You feel useless when your relationship breaks up.)

There are too many benefit traps around jobs but the world is a very lonely place without a career, study and work.

You feel left out when know you help from them but what they realise is what is like to need more help unless learning disabilities and Mental Health problems happen to them.

Things that happened a long time ago are always in your head.
The memories are always there but words never really come out to be understood or even said.
So you see faces and hear voices inside your head.
No one understands unless it happens to them.
The world looks at you really strange; whatever you have said and or listened to doesn't make sense.
They think you’re nuts because you don't make sense to them.
No, they are nuts because it doesn't make sense to you.

You try to grab life with both hands but people are in your faces all the time when don't need it but no one is really there to give you a helping hand when you do need it.
You want to give it a go because you are only on the earth once so why were we born at all?
At least you have tried if you haven't succeeded.

My real Father isn't my Father; I haven't known him long enough he's my friend.
He doesn't know a great deal about my life so he's the only one in the family doesn't know me. 2th October 2010

 Get by.

Times are rather hard; money is tight, even though you don't get a lot of chance to hold me tight, still we're happy enough.
It's not just money problems it's other things in my life too but no worries it's not you.
I've been through good and bad before, I will get by just like I've always have done.
Not sleeping well but over tried with things on my mind.
Somehow I'll manage my work.
I'm worried about losing my work and business.
I will either run the business with support or not all.
My work means a lot to me so do you, even though I don't have enough private time with you.
Strangely I miss you even though I see you.
There's so much to tell you but very little time to say it. 2nd October 2010