ALL IN THE MIND.

Here I am still writing this poem about you.
Even though I knew you were unwell, I still can't believe you've gone.

Even though I didn't see a lot of you through our adulthood, I can believe I won't ever see you again.
I only wish we saw each as much as adults as we did as kids.
It just shows you learn life is far too short yet when you’re a kid, you think you have got all the time in the world just like we did.
We had always been friends and we always will be even though you have gone.
Molly my longest friend ever since I was very young.
We went to school together when we were so small and so young.
We are the age as each but I can't believe we won't see each other anymore.
I can't believe I knew you for forty years then suddenly you have gone.
To me, there's no friend like you, Molly.
The friend who carried my clothes out of school in the hot summer of  1976, when I thoughtlessly took my clothes off at the age of six and a half. 30.6.2014

I thought I knew him.

There was nothing good about him when I think about it now even though at the time I thought he was wonderful.
Now I realize how wrong I was to get with the wrong sort yet it felt so right at the time.
I was waiting and hoping for too much at that time, it did me no good.
When I think about it now I shouldn't have fallen for him at all.
My feelings were far too strong to say no and walk away.
Yet now I feel nothing for him at all.
I thought I understood him but I didn't yet I loved him so much at the time.
I thought he was so good at the time but he wasn't, our love was so blind.
I thought he would be always being mine.
Twice he walked out my life.
 Over the years he played games and messed up my mind.

Yet I wrongly thought everything was fine.
I was so madly in love with him at the time.
No one in your life is forever.
No one completely loves you.
I was so young then love was blind.
It was such madness that he never knew whether he loved me or not but I got fed up of that in the end.
In this life there's no warning of the human mind.
There's no warning when love starts.
Unknown is finding out for one's self.
Nothing led me to fall for him other than love.
I only wish I hadn't of loved him so much.
For a long time we were falling apart but I was too blind to see.
Now after a long time I have learned to build back up that love and trust to love someone else.
My love now like my love before is so unknown, I'm yet to find out even though I love him so much.30.6.2014

I never wanted things to end how they did.

Sorry to hurt you as I did what I had to do not what I wanted to.

You may not believe this but I didn't want it to end this way.

In fact, I didn't see this coming myself.

I didn't want us to have an on and off relationship.

I am not saying it would have been an on and off relationship but I’m worried just in case.

I know we have our rough patches and problems that which hasn't been either of our faults.

This hurts so much, to be truly honest I have never had to anything like this with anyone before, why with the man I love so much?

I understand due to my worry and Anxiety if I misunderstood what you said, I’m so sorry to even more so if that has happened.

I did what seemed right otherwise it would have been all playing on my mind all the time.

I decided to end the contact with you because I love you too much to just stay friends but then it’s hard me to end the contacts all together so maybe we could email instead to see what the future brings.

All the same, I have not deleted any of your contacts, I will never do that even though I said to stop contacting.

I know and even though it doesn't make sense that prove that I didn't want to end the contacts and it proves I don't hate you and never did and never will.

This is really hard because I don't want to mess you about because I know what feels like because I have been there myself before I met you.

I only wish there was a way we could work these things out.

You might not think it but I have hurt myself as well I am even more hurt that I have had to hurt you and we both have to get used to this, which I know very is hard so please don't think I am not hurt too.

Like I said down the phone on Monday I don't hate you at all in fact far the opposite.

Naturally, we wanted a future together and to get serious. Nothing I wanted more than to make a big happy difference your life and mine.

I Know I have said many things to you in the past but they are things I wanted as well as you and it took me this long to realize if we hadn't had what we hoped we could have upset about it.

I am very sorry that I am at fault for not working this out in the first place but when you are in love and want to be with being with a person I still with you, it's too easy to hope for too much.

I suppose we could carry on emailing each other and see what happens. If it doesn't turn out to what I'm worried about then may we go back slowly or contacts we had in the first place.

Like your contacts I have will never be deleted. Maybe it will help to accept things either at least me anyway meaning friends or relationship.

No disrespect to you.

Don't get me wrong.

I understand things you say on the phone there are things I don't so at least in we are emailing there's a fair chance, I will understand everything say and mean.

Hopefully, it will help us contact each other the ways we

Used to.

Don't think that I don't know what you're going through because I am going through it too.

I have there before I met you. I am so sorry I had to do this and I know saying or anything that would have would have things.

Like your contacts I have will never be deleted. Maybe it will help to accept things either at least me anyway meaning friends or relationship.

There can be a big difference between what we want and what the right thing to do is.

I had to do this because we were getting more and closer to you.

Yes, I really wanted us to get closer to you but we live too far away from each other.

Like I said in the texts on Sunday night despite everything going on, I did mean that I am very grateful for the time we had together and the things you bought me I would have never except, I still see myself as the luckiest woman out.

Well I hope to hear from you by email soon whenever you get time and if you want to, I think we should let the relationship come back naturally if it's going. As play writer William Shake peace used to say, to be or not to that is the question. Well what is the answer to the question? My answer is,  If it's to be it will be if it's not to be it won' be.

Without realizing and without meaning I guess hoped too much too quickly.

Let's have slow contact like email to start with and see how that goes and if it goes OK then may be texting then phoning then may be back online like we used to but that's up to you as well as me.   2.8.2014