YOUR LOSS.

The loser.

Once I thought you were the man for me but now I'm glad it didn't turn out to be.
People told me that you weren't the man for me but I didn't listen to a word they said to me.

I thought I knew it all.
Now I realize that I'm better off without you.
I don't even want to see you, you hurt me that much.
I wish I never met and loved you.
I wish I never gave you a second chance after you left me the first time.
Now that I don't love you anymore, I can't believe that I ever did love you at all.
The more I loved you the more you hurt me.


Now that I don't love you anymore, you don't hurt me anymore.
Nothing ever matched between us, it was wrong for us to fall in love.
You knew I loved you so much but it too me years to realize that you didn't love me.
Now I don't love you anymore, you make out you love me because you have no one hurt anymore.

I was too blind to realize that your love for me was a lie and even still is and always will be.
I had put up with your trickily mind games too many years far too long.
If you treat anyone else like you treated me, you will spend the rest of your life alone.
One day someone will hurt you like you hurt me, then it will hit you hard.

You always played tricks with my mind.
One minute you loved me the next you didn't.
I can't believe I ever was your victim of hate and love for so long.
You used to give me wonderful dreams and nasty nightmares but not always at the same time.

Butterflies flow and swam through my stomach when you made me feel good.
Panic attacks would go through all over my body when you made me feel bad.
My stomach would turn over as if I was on a very fast fairground ride.
You may have broken my heart but whatever my future is to be, I'm glad to say that I don't want to be with you anymore you see.
Despite the damage you have put me through, you will never stop me from doing what I want to do, which has nothing to do with you. 31.10.10

Changes.

Time to let there is to be.
Time for peace.
Not to hope expect anything at all.
Never say it will ever end.
Let the damaged past mend.
Getting to know one's self all over again.
Believe in one's self.
It will take one's own time to feel one's self again.
Too soon for heavy love.
There's no harm in friendly love.
Companionship from one who's been through the same as one.
One becomes two of us me and you.
We're not the first who have been hurt, we won't be the last.
It's tremendous to be independent but to be faithful.
We all make mistakes how many of us learn from them?
My mistakes have been loving men who have hurt me but I guess we have both been as bad as one another.
I just got too close to them and I hoped for too much.
Now it's time to take it easy, one isn't getting any younger but I admit my feelings for you are getting stronger. 4.11.10
Sorry, John, I didn't mean to hurt you.

It was his 17th birthday sometime in June 2001, It was a very hot evening.
The windows of the Flying Dutchman pub, Warstones, Wolverhampton was streaming or I may have been dreaming.
When I and my ex-partner were a couple, One that very night we were outside in the beer garden walking around smoking a cigarette.

Even though the pub has been closed down quite a few years this memory still stands in my mind.
I gave Antonio his second chance to love me again he hurt after he hurt me before, I thought I knew it all.
I thought he loved me better the second time better than the first time, I was wrong.
Now that I don't have feelings for him anymore, he now makes out he loves me again but I'm no foal to him no more.


I was blind to see that he didn't give a dam about this 17-year-old boy who winked his eye at me as if to say hi.
I wouldn't have wanted a problem between Antonio and John.
Little did I realized that Antonio didn't love me for me.


I felt so ashamed not feeling the same as what he did.
He was such a nice young man, I guess still is. 
Having been an older woman I would still felt feelings of shame whatever would have happened.


I don't think he knew nothing about love.
I didn't know enough about love but I should have done.
I should have known better.
I could see him trying not to stare as sweat was pumped out of him everywhere, poor lad.
He started to worry me as he made me nervous when he was looking at me.
As my heart began to race and I almost in a panic attack.
sweat started to pump out of me too.
I was hoping he'd walk away from where I was.
He walked up close to me.
He looked at me as if he wanted to speak but he didn't know what to say.
His face went bright red with shyness.


I felt so ashamed that I didn't feel the same way but I still would have felt ashamed if I did.
I had too much respect for him to lie or and lead him.
I just only hope he has met a nice girl a lot younger than me.
He was lovely all the same.
Even though we didn't get together.
I still feel as if I should have known better. 


Now those ten years have gone by.
I still feel full of guilt and regret.
If things would have been the opposite I would have still felt the same.

I hope the fact that we didn't get together saved us a lot of heartache towards one another.
Some things we don't like happen for the best.
Maybe it wasn't to be.
Maybe I did or didn't do the right thing after all.
He may have now lost interest in me in the end.
He may hate me for not giving him the experience he may have wanted.
He might respect me for being honest with him.
I hope have I made myself understood.

The only way I feel pain is wishing I was his age.
What scares me is the fact that he may have more sense than me.

I knew who he was, his name was John. 
I knew his Mum and Dad.
I felt so ashamed for not feeling the same as him.
He was such a nice young man. 
Whatever I would have become of me and John I would have felt as if I wasn't doing the right thing.

I am not been nasty I would like to be someone's lover, not Mother or Daughter.
I used to be friends with his Mother but we ended falling out.
She wasn't that many years older me.
If only I was the same age as him knowing what I knew at the time or even better what I know today at the age of 41.
I felt so lucky to have been loved by someone so young.
Knowing that he felt this way towards me he made me feel like his age at that time all over again.

This may not make sense but I forgot what it felt like to be 17. 
If only I knew at 17 what I knew 31.
If only I knew at 31 what I know now at 41.
I was so old he was so young.

I felt so lucky to have been loved by someone so young, it bought back my youth again.
At the same time, it made me feel ashamed however I felt. 
I knew I had to control how I felt, I didn't feel it was the right older woman having feelings for a teenage boy. 
I still wouldn't have felt as if I had done right.

What did he want with an old fool like me?
I was 31 old enough to be his Mum.
In the end, she hated me.
She blamed me for fancying her son when it was the other way round.
I don't think she believed me, she should have done when she knew I had a partner already. 21.11.2010