Emotional poetry

My childhood.

On my fifth birthday party, I lived in a flat with a table made of out of pine which has always stuck in my mind.
I remember having the dolls Tiny tears and Baby alive.
Baby as alive seemed like a real baby when you fed her food as she moved her month when she was eating.
When I put the spoon in her month she made a funny nose. Written 1997 - 1998.

My love to human kind.
We all have a our talent in our family, even me with a disability.
My step sister Holly Wood is a great artist.
I like writing and art work, I am not anything really I just like writing and drawing what's going on in my mind.
My God daughter and co son Stevie Bea she is a good artist too.
The men I have loved and lost go into my poetry book. Written 1997 - 1998

Trees, I am a tree.
Outside my house, I have old trees.
I wonder how the old trees are.
My house is rather old, it was built in 1929.

When the sun is out there love me.
There are a lot of people around to be happy and enough the sun like me.
I either feel too hot or nice and warm.
I think many human beings, animals and objects feel the same way.

When the wind and the cold are here my leaves sadly full off the trees, change color and die.
That's when many trees feel sad and lonely.

Once all my leaves are off me on to the grounds, my branches are cold and bare through the long winter.
It's like waiting to wear my pretty dress in the summer mouths.
Winter is full of messy cold and ice.
I love to care and attenstion just like all nature. Written 1997 - 11.8.2005

What is life like for you?
What do you do up in heaven?Where do you go?
Who do you meet?
What does it feel like to be in Heaven?
Where do you the most happiness, is it heaven?
I know it's not the earth, it's mostly stress.
It's so hard to know what to believe some believe there's life after death others don't.
Is heaven any difference to here, if so how?
Are you working the same there as here?
Are you going out with friends and lovers as the same as did on earth?
Has heaven changed you as a person, if you for better or worse? Written 2004

What makes us Happy?
Are we happy in what we do?
Sometimes we are happy to be free.
Other times we are happy to love.
We all chose our own things that make us happy.
Life is what you make and even how you make.
When you look for love you can't find it but it's right there if you don't look for it.
If you lose the love you full to pieces but there's plenty more fish in the sea.
It takes a long time to be happy.
Most people are happy been lone.
Most of us can't live with or without love. Written 2004



You would not believe the world today.
You may well be at peace but you may see from heaven what's happening on earth.
Well the truth is that today there's no right and wrong on this earth.
We are not allowed to bring up children how we were brought up as children.
The British law is wrong letting British children be out of control.
A lot of children today grow up on drugs and harming people's lives one way or the other.
The cost of living has gone up through the sky.
Today's music is no good.
No entertainment without you Freddie Mercury.
There's also no love without you.
Why did you have to leave the world this way?
The world was a better place with you.
There's no happiness without you.
We all miss you.
You brought us a happy world but there's no world for our children.
I like many people my age don't have children because there is not anything there for them and the world is dangerous.
You gave us our lives.
Without you so many things have changed for the worse. Written 2004

Men and love.
What has been missing out of my life?
May be I don't need it, maybe I can do without the love of a man.
Not just in a partner but in my own Father.
Where were you when I needed you?
That was a silly question, was it?
All my life, I have felt anger asking myself why I did not see you as a child.
All my Mother's family managed very well with me.
I don't feel like your daughter at all.
For whatever reason you could not see me for you could of seen me for a little while.
You are my Father it seems wrong that you were not around when I was a child. Written 5.7.2000

It's far too late.
My Mother told me about you when I was five.
Why did you confuse my mind?
I know I did not know any difference at the age of five but you made me feel unhappy when finding out at the age of five.
The reason for that was because I knew Ray as my Father then I was suddenly told that you are my real Father Max.
Now we can't turn back the clock.
Sorry, I can't be a child again.
Now I am grown up, it's your loss. Written 5.7.2000
You have had your chance to be my Father.
My Mother and her family gave you a chance to be my Father during my childhood.
For some reason you were not there but for whatever reason it was what you can't change the facts that I am your daughter.
You have not changed now, have you?
I thought I could forgive and forget until you told me you have two other children me and may be my half brother Jay has not seen.
This must be worse for them than it was for me as they are in care, they must be wondering who their real family really are.
Now I am an adult you don't feel like my Father, I just feel like me. Written 5.7.2000

I thought it would of been easy for us to be Father and Daughter.
There are many people in this world in the same boat as us if not worse.
When I first met and knew you at twenty - one I could see the future and everything seemed alright to me until many years later when you told me about the younger children.
Now I know it's hard to build a Father and Daughter relationship with you through adulthood.
So the end is unhappy how this all turned out. Written 5.7.2000

What does it feel like?
I wanted to give you a chance to be my Father, it does not seem to be like that.
The reason for that is what your family told me or should I say my Mum about you.
It's hard to forget a family past like that.
Sometimes can put it behind me other times I cannot.
Knowing that I did not see you as a child is still hard to take in.
It hurt more as a child and that you are not seeing these children now.
I will still find a way of getting on with my life without you the same as I had no choice as a child.
Don't think I am afraid that if I managed as a child I can manage now to live without seeing you.
Written 5.7.2000


What has it done to me?

Things could have been worse I know.
All the same it's not good enough!
There's only so much I can take, I have accepted it long enough.
Thank god things can't get that much bad or worse.
I am sorry, I wish I knew how to carry on as if nothing has happened but I afraid I am very disappointed in you Dad, I thought you may have chanced to what you were like in the past but for what you told me it does not sound like it.
Never mind me I am grown up my childhood was passed, they are your young child you should think about their future, can't you see that?
You are the only one who has lost out whether you see that or not I don't know.
Do you know that!
What has it done to my life, more important what will it do to Henry and Louise's life? More to the point what has it done to Jay's life?
When I go into relationships I fall in love too easy, when I get hurt I find it hard to let go.
I know I dream of a faraway future still the same as when I was a younger person.
Now I must tell myself to take things day by day.
Whatever the future is and how we end up does not bother me as long as he's mine and I am his. Written 4.7.2000

This is what you have put me through.

When relationships end, I have always cracked into pieces.
Depression hits me really bad, it's always hurtful and upsetting and take it takes me ages to get through.
I am so glad I write poetry otherwise I'd never get through.
Even if I have people around me I feel as if the whole world is coming down on me.
I just seem to really crack up, I bet that does that to a lot of people too.
I feel so guilty and selfish because everyone has relationship breakups, not just me.
It's hard to put it into words, what I do to go to pieces like this.
You would have to see me in this state but then again I don't like anyone seeing me like this, I feel ashamed of myself.
I am very sorry if I have upset people when I have been upset like this. Written 4.7.2000

You have made me feel empty.
Sometimes I have felt as if something has been missing in my life.
I have never known really what it is.
What do you know Father, it's partly caused by me and mainly caused by you because I find it hard to let go of love.
I hope this young gentleman will fill in the missing gap.
Looking back now, no other man who has been my lover has been there like you.Written 4.7.2000


I think I forgive you Dad.
I forgive Dad, sorry I got angry with you.
I can't help but feel disappointed that you missed my childhood.
I am happy to put the past behind me, well I will try the best I can.
I don't think my young half-brother and sister will ever forgive me for this though knowing that they may not have seen either of us you, me or Jay.
Please don't forget I have not forgotten though, I may live with it but it will never come out my head.
I agree that it must have been a shock for you with me on the way because Mum and you were so young.
I know now that these things could have happened for the best, all good things come to an end.
In whatever way the past may have affected me I am willing to cope the best I can.
I know I call you Dad sometimes I think life is too not to talk again but other times with not seeing Henry and Louise I feel as if I am a jigsaw with two pieces missing out of me.
Forgiving me what I said but I am confused Dad.
Ray had been always the person called Dad.
Ray looked after me as a child, he was there for me when I was ill.
All Dads should do for their kids what Ray has done.
Please don't feel guilty because you can't change the past but you can be the difference in the future though.
I was angry because I wanted to try to put the past behind me.
I must make a new starter put the past behind and look to the future.
Maybe I could think of you as a friend rather than a Father but that's hard when you are my Father.
I still feel as two human beings are missing from my life mine half brother and sister, I bet Jay feels the same way too.
Whatever I and Jay say we may not say how we really feel because we have had a choice but to live with the situation you have created Dad.
I don't know whether or not Jay knows about Henry and Louise.
I am sorry if I am confusing you because I am confused myself but seeing as my Dad and you is confusing too. Written 25.7.2000

Mothers.
No matter what you do in life Mothers seem to be always right.
Mothers tell you but you think you are right.
Never feel ashamed because your Mother was your Grandmother's child, had to be told by her Mum too.
Trying to find the right boyfriend or girlfriend to please your parents is hard work. Written 1997 -2000

Who is always there for you?
You may think you can live without your Mother but can you?
Parents can be like your partners you can't live with them and you can't live without them.
If you have a problem Mother s are always there to care and share with you, well some things anyway.
I felt leaving home was the best thing I did even though it was with my Mother's support but spend too much time together you do each others' head in.
Life is how it suits you. 1997 to 2000

Family.
Mother always knows when you have made a mistake.
Sometimes parents and children can do one anothers' heads in, mainly Fathers and son, Mothers and daughters.
My Grandmother, my Mother's Mother told me that she and my great Grandmother used to fall out over my Grandfather.
My Grandmother said to me I was wrong going with your Grandfather, you great Gran was right saying I should not have gone with him or married him but my Gran divorced my Granddad in the end.
My Gran said the only thing I have to thank your Grandfather is your Mother, your Uncle Tony Aunity Vicki, and my Grandchildren.
Only you can seek your own mess out, only you can find out for yourself.
Let's hope the next stage of life is right for you.
What is right the end of the day? who knows! Written 1997 - 2000

Who does everything for you?
Who has cooked for you all your life near enough until you met you husband or wife?
When I am with my Mother she always there to care about my problems.
As long as my Mother is alive she will know when I need her there.
I am an adult with a disability some things I need help with some things but not others.
It's a fact my Mother has known me since I was a child I am only human just like her and everyone.
No child can live with their family but an adult need their family just as much mainly when they have a disability. Written 1997 - 2000

Mother's day.
I am an adult but deep down I am a teenager, I am a child and baby just like all human beings.
I can't live with and without my family and Mother.
The loves me just like my Mother does and love them too.
I may worry my Mother and family but no human being is perfect neither is life.
A Mother is a child in herself she is her Mother's child. Written 1997 - 2000

Mother and child.
Mother never fear I am well and I here.
You have been here to get me over fears over the years.
You were an older child Mother but you were too young to had me, you were seventeen.
My life started with the child who is the Mother of me. Written 1997 - 2002


Rats.
Rats are fury and black.
Rat can be very fat across their backs.
Down the rat holes the rats go hiding from been eaten the witches. Written 1997 - 2000

Fairly Tale land.

When I was a little I used to dream of been a princess meeting my handsome prince when I grew up.
How untrue can the fairly tales be after living one's childhood believing in them. Written 1999

August.
The start of the middle of the August holiday season still goes on.
August is third summer month but the eighth month of the year.
August is the last summer then cold in September may kick in.
Kids' holidays may start and finish at the seaside before they go back to school. Written 21.7.1999

September.

September be warm or cold.
September can even warm enough and less money to go aboard.
On the 21st September it can start to cold as the light nights go short to draw in for autumn.
The leaves are blowing off the trees to change from green to brown as the wind gets stronger. Written 21.7.1999