I will be honest to say that no one is any except when it comes to Depression. Sorry, shouldn't have said that, I didn't think before I wrote. Yes of course you must have thought I have jumped the gun and yes your right. I shouldn't have done and I am sorry. However' yes those of us who face it excepts. What I am trying to say we all face it in different ways, which I should have said in the first place.
When I face depression I always feel as if it's raining down on me, even if it might not be. Each and every part of life is negative and as if everything in the world is my fault, everyone hates me, I hate me and I shouldn't be here. In fact, when I had my breakdown from October 1969 to August 1997, it was like I was trying to espace people in my life, I didn't hate them but I hated myself but at the same time, I couldn't cope with being alone either. I thought I was going mad, crazy, out of mind.
Now I know this sounds OTT and dramatic but it's very true, and to what I am saying now you may think I am demanding attention, which is not the case, even if it is or and was handy surprising because I was against myself. The only thing was people could walk away from me but I couldn't walk away from myself.
I felt as if the whole world was against me but I knew long before now that wasn't the case. If there are people reading this who I knew back then I am sorry for how I was back then. Even though it wasn't intentional, I still feel I need to say sorry because if not everyone but most people were just trying to help me, just I found it hard to see things in the same light.
It was a case of if you see me don't speak to me but I am out anyway because I couldn't stand being in at home by the 4 walls either as they say, which was totally weird. Why for the life of me I believed so oddly I have no idea but it's not odd, it's just the way you are feeling. I used to think I was alone on this at the time but although I haven't come across anyone, who has faced like I have, I am sure others may have faced it too, I don't think I could be possibly alone on this one.
I was advised counseling but never really understood what it was. At the time I feared I was thought of as out of my mind, crazy, etc and the thought of being sectioned, sent away, etc scared me. I was even advised anti - depressives because someone was concerned I might not have been sleeping which to be truthful I wasn't really other than say hrs from when I went to bed if I did, even then I was dieing to either get out of the house, put the blankets over my face or both in the case may be, which makes no sense at all.
My reasons for refusing Antidepressive was in case I struggled to get myself off them and on top of that I never thought I was going to make it through each day, thinking I was going to be gone completely but somehow when I thought about trying counseling without excepting it, improvements started to happen and plus I unexceptly got into writing poetry, which I felt that was helping too.
Now you may be thinking, you're lucky, and yes your right because not everyone is but it is possible you can be. I have to say with forms of counseling etc, which is empowerment meaning to say a counselor will say is down you, yes that is very true but things we can try and do without thinking about, which really which is what I did. How why and everything else I don't know and why I got into the poetry but then I do but it wasn't in the intention to ease my mental health necessary but it did and I am glad it did, I think I got into writing poetry because I enjoy it. It may not work the same for you but my advice is to do something you enjoy, you never know it may help you as well, which may not necessarily the same as it did me, but you never know, mainly if you facing some if not the same but similar.' However, I know Depression is not a nice place for anyone.
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